anne1707 Posted July 26, 2011 Posted July 26, 2011 Because she chooses to do so, obviously. Really? Please then explain why I am looking for another job.
David Cain Posted July 26, 2011 Posted July 26, 2011 Really? Please then explain why I am looking for another job. You've been stating that for a long time.... So if you really wanted to get away from him you would've by now.
road Posted July 26, 2011 Posted July 26, 2011 Really? Please then explain why I am looking for another job. How about NC between you and your OM?
anne1707 Posted July 26, 2011 Posted July 26, 2011 How about NC between you and your OM? I do NC as much as I can within work. All contact is strictly about work. He is nothing more than a work colleague to me now. My H is fully informed.and is Ok with the situation. He knows I am job hunting and it is difficult because of my senior role in a specialised sector. Jobs come up rarely but any that are suitable, I apply for.
RepairMinded Posted July 27, 2011 Posted July 27, 2011 In that case it is not necessary for you to look for a new job. Your affair is long since over, your husband has forgiven you completely, and you are immune from any inappropriate interaction with the OM.
road Posted July 27, 2011 Posted July 27, 2011 In that case it is not necessary for you to look for a new job. Your affair is long since over, your husband has forgiven you completely, and you are immune from any inappropriate interaction with the OM. The point of NC is not because there was a PA, but to re ignite the addiction. Why do you think AA tells the drunks that they can't go to bars or any where alcohol is served? Proximity to the source increases the chance of a relapse. anne1707 should know this and if she does it's sad that she is down playing the importance of NC. It's sad the her BH not has to carry the burden that his WW banged the OM her BH has the additional baggage to see his WW leave his home everyday to go work and see the OM. anne you need to lift this weight off of your BH ASAP.
Owl Posted July 27, 2011 Posted July 27, 2011 Anne's BH is the one who needs to decide whether their marriage will suffer more from potential interaction with her former OM, or more from the potential loss of income and/or damage to her career due to quitting her job. She's made it more than clear that she works in a small field, with very limited opportunities for change. She's done the best she can to establish and maintain as little contact as she can within this environment...and if her and her H have determined that it's better for her to remain at her job rather than quit...that's THEIR JOINT CHOICE, and they are the only ones who can make that choice within their own marriage. Berating her for not making a change in this situation isn't going to change anything...she's where her and her H have both decided she needs to be. It's not all on her. It's a choice they both have input on...and appear to have decided together.
RepairMinded Posted July 27, 2011 Posted July 27, 2011 I didn't berate her. But if she is looking for a job because her husband still doesn't trust her to be at the same workplace with her OM, even after three years, then they haven't truly reconciled.
anne1707 Posted July 27, 2011 Posted July 27, 2011 I didn't berate her. But if she is looking for a job because her husband still doesn't trust her to be at the same workplace with her OM, even after three years, then they haven't truly reconciled. My husband does trust me and knows I have no interest whatsoever in the ex-OM however we would both prefer not to be in this situation. My H wants me to make a good career move. He knows the sector I work in and knows I am committed to leaving my job. Thank you Owl
anne1707 Posted July 27, 2011 Posted July 27, 2011 Why not? What about "this situation" is still bugging you and your H after three years? Well I can promise you it is bugging my H and I a lot less than it is you. If you look at my posts, you will see that I clearly state that recovery has been slowed because of my work situation. I know it has not helped but my H and I have discussed this and agreed something which works for us both. And no, he is definitely not a weak man or a doormat.
Tech_E Posted July 27, 2011 Posted July 27, 2011 Anne there are some people that are just not worth entering into a debate with. Ding ding ding, you've found one.... However; normally I do support you as you seem to be one of the few that are genuinely trying to recover from an affair, I have to question just how hard you are looking for that new job? I'll be honest and say that job or no job, I don't think I could tolerate my wife anywhere near her AP. Money is just money, you can't take it with you when you die.... Then again some people are more attached to the 'things' in life.
anne1707 Posted July 27, 2011 Posted July 27, 2011 I have to question just how hard you are looking for that new job? I'll be honest and say that job or no job, I don't think I could tolerate my wife anywhere near her AP. Money is just money, you can't take it with you when you die.... Then again some people are more attached to the 'things' in life. Thank you for the words of support. As for my job hunting, I am looking very hard. I do apply for any job I am suitably qualified and experienced for and have applied for jobs that would mean a change of location for us if need be. It is not about the money, except for the fact that we do not want to risk losing a home we love. Especially in the early days after dday, we agreed that having our home safe was important to provide as much stability as possible in that very troubled time. It's not bugging me at all, since I'm not the one you cheated on. By the way you didn't answer the question. I disagree. It is bugging you hence your repeated posts "berating" me. Plus I did answer your question. Yes I have seen that but you don't explain WHY this is the case if the OM has no effect on you after three years and your husband fully trusts you. The OM at this point should be a complete non-entity, just another person you work with. Again, if you look at my posts, all I have said is that recovery has been slowed because of me working with the ex-OM. It did take me longer to get over the ex-OM (who has meant nothing to me for a long time now) and of course that had an impact on the recovery of the marriage but my H and I are very happy together. If on the other hand what you are saying is that even occasional work contact still impairs your recovery then that means you've delayed your reconciliation by three years. No. It has not "delayed reconciliation by three years". We are reconciled but we both know it would have been quicker if work had been different and things that annoy us would not be happening. Whilst the ex-OM means nothing to me, it does not stop him from looking me up and down etc. I choose not to react to these looks because I found in the past when I did that he would deny it and then do it even more. My H strongly believes the ex-OM displays sociopathic traits. Plus even if there had been 100% NC from day one, I would not dare to presume that recovery would have happened e.g. within a year. I would still expect it to take several years. So basically you're saying two rather contradictory things: 1) There's no real need for you to get a new job to go NC with the OM; 2) There IS a need for you to get a new job to go NC with the OM. No. What I am saying is that 100% NC would definitely have been preferable and would certainly have made things easier in the early days. Now that my H and are in such a better, stronger position, the impact of my work situation is less. If you trust yourself not to resume inappropriate behavior, fine. I'm O.K. with what you said about that. I do trust myself. But why doesn't your husband trust you? Go back and read again. I said my H does trust me That's not the point. This is three years after the fact. If it was ever an issue it should have been addressed three years ago. Since it wasn't, why does it need to be addressed now? If it needs to be addressed now, that means it's something that's needed to be done for the entire three years. My H and I addressed this issue three years ago. He knows that if he has asked me to leave my job, I would have done. But we both agreed on a different approach. As I have said above, it is less of an issue than it was earlier in the recovery process. The question you haven't answered is "Why doesn't your husband trust you?" Again, he does trust me. Since anne says her husband's anything but a doormat it must be because her husband was OK with her working with the OM all this time. That's his choice but why now is he not OK with it any longer? No. he was not OK with me working with the ex-OM but we agreed that this was the appoach we would take. It was a joint decision. Your argument that he was OK and is now not OK is just an attempt to twist, manipulate etc. I read out your posts to my H and he laughed. He cannot understand why I am bothering to respond to you . In his words, if I said that grass was green, you would say it was purple.
Tech_E Posted July 27, 2011 Posted July 27, 2011 Thank you for the words of support. As for my job hunting, I am looking very hard. I do apply for any job I am suitably qualified and experienced for and have applied for jobs that would mean a change of location for us if need be. It is not about the money, except for the fact that we do not want to risk losing a home we love. Especially in the early days after dday, we agreed that having our home safe was important to provide as much stability as possible in that very troubled time. I can see your point, but honestly it would be a deal breaker for me to have any contact with the AP. A house is a 'thing' to me, and no 'thing' can take the place over the person I love. A house doesn't provide ANY stability at all. Post d-day my wife and I have had to move, and we've chosen to give up most of our 'things' because we've realized they mean NOTHING. Personally I feel that if you really wanted to; you could have changed jobs. It is admirable that your H is telling you it doesn't bother him, but deep down you and I both know it must be eating him from the inside out. I do wish you continued success.
anne1707 Posted July 27, 2011 Posted July 27, 2011 I've come to the conclusion that the only way to deal with those will desperately try to twist and manipulate every word to suit their argument and give their life some meaning should just be put in ignore.
road Posted July 27, 2011 Posted July 27, 2011 I've come to the conclusion that the only way to deal with those will desperately try to twist and manipulate every word to suit their argument and give their life some meaning should just be put in ignore. If you are that secure in your decision then why does it seem to be that disagreeable for you to hear contrasting opinions that you would put someone on ignore? Love a house? Afraid to lose a house? You can always sell a house. Downsizing is not the end of the world. Moving is not always bad, it has it's pluses and minus, and away from the OM makes moving a big plus. You got to have an affair. You got to keep your dream job and continue working with the OM. You got to keep your dream house. You got your BH to suck it up again and got him to allow contact. How many manure sandwiches does you BH have to eat to keep you?
Tech_E Posted July 27, 2011 Posted July 27, 2011 Anne for heavens sake please do not lump me in with posters like ____ (I hope you know who I mean...). I just wanted to carry the conversation forward a little with you. The reason you put forth for keeping the job and working with OM is the house correct? For me that doesn't hold much water. Sorry, but it does not. Personally I'd have given up ANY possesstion we had to have avoided the affair. I mean that in every sense of the words as well. As I said earlier, money is money, houses are 'things' when all is said and done they mean absolutely nothing.
anne1707 Posted July 27, 2011 Posted July 27, 2011 Anne for heavens sake please do not lump me in with posters like ____ (I hope you know who I mean...). I just wanted to carry the conversation forward a little with you. Oh no, I don't see you being like them at all The reason you put forth for keeping the job and working with OM is the house correct? For me that doesn't hold much water. Sorry, but it does not. Personally I'd have given up ANY possession we had to have avoided the affair. I mean that in every sense of the words as well. As I said earlier, money is money, houses are 'things' when all is said and done they mean absolutely nothing. The house was only part of the reason. Because of our financial situation, if I quit my job we would definitely lose the house but with the housing market as it has been over the last few years, it would probably not be possible to sell before a re-possession job was done. This would then have placed my H and I in a very difficult and stressful situation whereby getting a mortgage again in the future would have been difficult. The financial pressures would have been enormous. We recognised that our marriage was on the brink and that the financial pressures would be too much to take. We discussed and agreed appropriate behaviours for me at work in terms of NC as much as it was possible and decided that we could work within those measures. Then there is the career damage that me quitting my job would have done. The sector I work in is such that you do get to hear if someone leaves a job under "unusual circumstances". Now my job opportunities would just completely disappear if I was known as someone who walked out of her job for no apparent reason. My career is important to both my H and I, not just for the money but for the satisfaction it gives me and how I know contribute to society through it. I will add that when my H and I made the decision for me to stay at work and look for alternative employment, it was just before everything really started to fall apart with the economy. We did not foresee it taking me this long to get another job because up until then, suitable jobs maybe came up once every month or two. It's now more like once every four or five months and that is with looking much further afield in terms of location. My H was always clear from the very beginning that if he felt I was not following through with my actions in being committed to us then he would walk. He would not tolerate anything that made him doubt my sincerity. He is sitting here beside me as I type.
Tech_E Posted July 27, 2011 Posted July 27, 2011 Anne that explains things a little better. I can seperate your response out into a few compartments (no not a sentence by sentence destruction of your post ). First and foremost is the house. It seems that keeping this house is highly dependent on your dual income. Perhaps that's not all that wise to begin with.... Maybe you are both a little too attached to the house. Just saying.... Then again I'm not the type to give a rat's behind about a keeping up with the jones' type existence, maybe that explains the financial mess my wife and I are in . As for the job situation I can understand that, and if you've both agreed to it and you are both being 100% honest and it works for you then congrats on that. You are a lucky lady I can tell you that.
wuggle Posted July 28, 2011 Posted July 28, 2011 Janey, my wife pointed out this thread to me last night and initially I wasn't going to respond because as so often happens on threads like this whenever Anne posts several posters, often betrayed people who are still very angry, launch into attack mode on her. Often responding to these taunts and twists just makes matters worse. But, that said I would like to make a couple of comments that hopefully will help (if nothing else getting a different perspective) I have learned to not worry that he doesn't want counseling or to talk to anyone. This rings bells with me and I think you are right not to be too worried about this. I think society still does not bring up our 'men' to believe that they are allowed to talk through problems with strangers, we are expected to be all manly and just sort it out ourselves. When Anne & I went to counselling I think I found it very difficult at first, opening up about personal matters to a stranger was the very last thing I had been taught by my father to do. One day he might be ready, It will probably help, but I think if he is still around after 6 months then he probably has a good set of coping tools already and is probably working through things ok on his own. I would not have made it through the last 6 months without my H's strength and love for me. This is in my mind key. As you said earlier you are BOTH damaged. You did wrong, but the person who loved you has enough love still to try to stick with you and work through the pain. I think you should zone in on this whenever you are feeling a bit low. He is still with you because his love for you is way more than his anger and pain at being hurt. The feeling that I'm not worthy to be married still linger sometimes. I believe with all my heart that suffering is necessary to transform a person. I'm still not done suffering. But when I'm done, I fully expect to be a new person who doesn't recognize the sad and lost woman I became. This worries me a little. Whilst I am not saying that suffering isn't always necessary, and that we should try to avoid it (sometimes it does help). I think it is important to realise that there comes a point when you do have to forgive yourself a bit and lighten up. When you first met, I'm sure your husband fell in love with the 'you' that you were, I know that when I met Anne I fell in love with her bubbly , fun, confident side. I as her husband would not want to see her punishing herself too much or becoming what she isn't. Maybe if you are a bit more forgiving with yourself and become happier in you your husband might like that. Just make sure you don't punish yourself too much and become someone else. I think from what I have read you guys will be good. As owl and several others have said it can take many years to get over these things. As I said earlier if he is still there after 6 months he obviously loves you a lot. Good luck ps Janey, apologies for the next bit. I realise that this is your thread and this is in no-way intended to be a thread-jack, quite the opposite. I am hoping that by answering some of the criticisms levied against Anne the attackers will leave this alone and you might get some more constructive comments Anne that explains things a little better. I can seperate your response out into a few compartments (no not a sentence by sentence destruction of your post ). First and foremost is the house. It seems that keeping this house is highly dependent on your dual income. Perhaps that's not all that wise to begin with.... Maybe you are both a little too attached to the house. Just saying.... I like our house. But let me say that this has almost no bearing on my relationship with Anne. As you said a house is just a thing, bricks and mortar. I would gladly burn the bloody thing down rather than split with my wife. After Anne's D-Day (see further down) we were faced with a decision. Anne stated quite clearly that she was happy to give up her job, which she loved dearly (and is bloody good at ) and take a much lower paid job. This probably would have meant having to sell etc. But really, so what. I told her that I was prepared to accept that she was working with the OM (who we call d*ckhead these day) as I trusted her, and as long as she did all she could to find a different job, but one that would not compromise her career, I would wait. I knew that she was prepared to do this rather than see me walk. So to answer the strange critics who think they know our situation better than us, why would I do this ? Well in my mind it is really quite simple. I love my wife. My wife did something that hurt me. Even though my natural human instinct is to lash out and hurt her back, the love I have for her stopped me doing that. I accepted the pain then and still accept the fact that she works with OM because I love her. Pease don't think that this is because as some ignorant people claim I am p*ssy-wipped, this would be very niave. If I thought for a second that she was so stupid as to restart the affair I would leave (strangely now she is out of the fog she can see quite clearly that he is no-where near the man I am ) Another facet of this decision is that if Anne accepted another job (simply to prove that she loved me and could be trusted) and we moved and were worse off, who would be suffering ? Us. Weren't we suffering enough ? why the hell should we make life any tougher for ourselves ?. What purpose did that serve ?. As people in the past have pointed out , and as we realised from counselling the problem wasn't with d*ckhead, it was with me and Anne. He wasn't going to suffer from a knee jerk decision, or me needed childish false validation of Anne's love for me. I did what I consider to be the grown up thing. I accepted the pain, accepted that I was in a large part responsible for her affair as well and tried to work through the issues , even went to counselling which as I stated above was very much against my upbringing , and save our marriage. To the other posters who are lashing out (RepairMinded, Jason, John-michael whoever you are these days) I would like to point out that although I know you are angry and hurting you are lashing out at the wrong people. If you were to read Anne's previous posts and threads you would realise that I had an affair first a few years before Anne (which I think it became evident through counselling was a part of the reason for her affair). Why don't people attack me ? Anne was helped very much by sensible posters on this site and stays to try to offer help and advice to people in similar circumstances, I tried to stay around for a while with a similar motive but have just become very saddened by the constant anger and attacks from hurting posters so generally don't post much any more. Anne is not responsible for the pain in your life, starting troll like arguments with her and twisting everything she says is not going to help. If you want someone to punch (or punch you) I think you should look elsewhere. Again, sorry Janey.
Tech_E Posted July 28, 2011 Posted July 28, 2011 Wuggle, what a well thought out and clearly written post. I applaud your attitude and I admire your obvious love for your wife. I personally would not be able to handle my wife coming into any contact with her AP, let alone on a daily basis. I am not sure how you handle it, but you definitely appear to be doing just that. I see your point about not having her give up the job and potentially lose the home, but you classify this as suffering, see I don't. Sure there is a downside, a smaller home and maybe you don't to have that big backyard or a swimming pool, but does that equate to quality of life? Perhaps it does for you, but it doesn't for me. My wife and I live in a 2 bedroom apartment now. We moved from a 3 bedroom, 3 floor townhome with a backyard, a workshop for me etc etc etc. You know what? I don't give a rats behind about it. The thing is I'd move into a cardboard box with my wife. I just don't see having the 'big home' as justification for having your wife work with her AP. I just don't. Pure and simple. I am NOT one of those posters that attacks someone that has cheated, I am most definitely not. Perhaps it is my attitude towards money and the need to own 'stuff' that is coloring my opinion here, or perhaps it is just that I cannot see beyond having her work side by side with her AP as a constant reminder of her affair. Janey, this is a horrible thread-jack and for that I apologize.
Tech_E Posted July 28, 2011 Posted July 28, 2011 Thanks for the sentence by sentence analysis Jason/John_Micheal. More comic relief. . At least we can all get a good laugh out of your diatribes if nothing else.
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