Author JaneyAmazed Posted July 9, 2011 Author Posted July 9, 2011 As I had suspected, tregor is just part of the hydra Ignore list works just fine. Yes it does. If only they could be a little more original or change it up some, they might last a little longer before being added to the ignore list.
anne1707 Posted July 9, 2011 Posted July 9, 2011 Thankfully I am not accountable to posters on LS otherwise some would probably have me stoned or burned at the stake. Thankfully my H knows and recognises the real truth of our situation, contrary to some LSers who choose to create an alternative "truth" Now where is that Ignore button......
anne1707 Posted July 9, 2011 Posted July 9, 2011 OK I found the post where you said this: It will be 3 years from dday on Monday for us and I would still not like to say that we are 100% there (though that is pretty much down to me still working with the ex-OM ). And how does that mean that my H and I are not "doing fine". Just because we are not 100% through recovery does not mean that we are unhappy, miserable or even, god forbid, bitter. Yes our recovery has been slowed because of the work situation but this was something my H and I discussed and agreed a path that worked for us. I am actively looking for alternative job opportunities and my H again knows and sees this.
anne1707 Posted July 9, 2011 Posted July 9, 2011 If you were "doing fine," you would have said that in the first place. You wouldn't have said what you did, and not just said it, but also included the "sick face emoticon." You're still working with your "ex," you haven't stopped contact with him, ever, and it's still affecting your marriage enough to where it makes you "sick" to even think about it. -doing fine and not being 100% through recovery is not a contradiction. I am not changing what I have said. You are just choosing to twist and manipulate my words into what you want them to mean. As for the sick face - well neither my H nor I like the fact that I still work with the ex-OM. I don't like this situation. Would you have preferred it if I had put a smiley face indicating I was OK with the way things are???? But this is normal. If there has never been NC, then there is not going to be recovery. That's just the way it is for most people. Nothing different about your situation. - it is actually possible to do a form of NC whilst still working together. Not as good as full NC I agree. However there is no personal relationship. All our contact is based on work and my H is fully informed. It's you who made a point of saying that things weren't all shipshape, because you were still working with the "ex," and including the "sick face." Now you just want to backtrack on that because you think it makes you look bad or contradicts a point you were trying to make. - again no backtracking. Just your manipulation to create what you want to believe for your agenda Blaming the decision on your H I see. Why don't you take responsibility for your own decisions? You and you alone made the decision to cheat in a long term affair, and if you didn't want to continue working with the OM, you would have quit regardless of how your husband felt about it. - how can I blame my husband for a decison WE made TOGETHER after WE talked about the situation. I told my H I would quit if he wanted me too and he didn't. We also agreed that if he felt at some stage in the future he wanted me to quit my job because he could see how working with the ex-OM was hindering recovery then I would. Again he did not feel this need and never has. Don't pretend that you would have just quit if your husband immediately insisted you do that. The proof is in the fact that it's not three months after D day, it's three years. AND it's what YOU said has prevented your M from fully recovering. - yes, I would have quit (see above). Three months vs three years??? It would be so naiive to think that a marriage could recover in 3 months. We both knew it would be a long, long task. You can make all the excuses you want but it doesn't change the fact that you've never gone NC with your affair partner and your marriage has never recovered because of that. - so how can you explain that as far as my H and I are concerned, we have a happy, loving marriage which has far more substance and strength than it has had for many years? How come we look forward to seeing each other at the end of the day and are happiest when we are alone together? How come the ex-OM means nothing to me? How come my H and I discuss our relationship and love working on our life together?
anne1707 Posted July 9, 2011 Posted July 9, 2011 Sigh...... Okaayyyyyy I am at top level in a specialised sector. Jobs at this level in this sector do not come up often nationally let alone within commuting distance. I have applied for jobs when they come up. Fact is I do not have to justify my actions to you. The only people I am accountable to are my H and myself.
rafallus Posted July 9, 2011 Posted July 9, 2011 (edited) @tregor Why even bother? Happiness is relative. People in central Africa, in famine, poverty and disease, can claim they're happy, so can couples after cheating claim it. I know I would never be in either of mentioned situations (nor probably would you), but I'm not them. Some just want to live in their own Matrix, so let them. There is no point doing otherwise. Edited July 9, 2011 by rafallus
rafallus Posted July 9, 2011 Posted July 9, 2011 Cheaters say and do a lot of things that aren't true. If it's relative, you can't absolutely say, if it's true or not. To you (or me) it won't be, to them it will be. suddenly realize that they just don't have to put up with that kind of treatment. That is elementary thing, that should be obvious to anyone. If they choose to put up regardless, it's their prob... errr, choice. Problems will come out anyway, as this very thread show.
jnj express Posted July 10, 2011 Posted July 10, 2011 Hey Janey----thanks for your answers----I seem to have gotten into the middle of a private fight so I will not say anymore!!!!!
anne1707 Posted July 10, 2011 Posted July 10, 2011 Hey Janey----thanks for your answers----I seem to have gotten into the middle of a private fight so I will not say anymore!!!!! Yes, sorry about that. The hydra took a pop at me and now and it looks as if I was fighting with myself now that "it" has gone (again) Janey - you will always find someone who will refuse to believe you when you say that you and your H are doing well. At the end of the day, you know whether it is working or not for both of you and that is all that matters.
gpatb43 Posted July 10, 2011 Posted July 10, 2011 Yes, sorry about that. The hydra took a pop at me and now and it looks as if I was fighting with myself now that "it" has gone (again) Janey - you will always find someone who will refuse to believe you when you say that you and your H are doing well. At the end of the day, you know whether it is working or not for both of you and that is all that matters. Absolutely - Janey no one here knows you, your H, or the situation close up. Beware those who preach from the pulpit - advice should always be predicated on the fact it's what you choose that matters
Author JaneyAmazed Posted July 10, 2011 Author Posted July 10, 2011 I didn't think it was necessary to start a new thread for this, but I wanted to share a moment from my marriage today. My kids were taking a nap this afternoon so my H said he wanted us to take a "nap" too. We snuggled and he cuddled and it felt so good and so right. He makes me feel so loved. This was exactly what I missed so much over the years. We used to be this way when we were first married. There was a time when I thought all of that was in the past. There is a lot to be said when both people make the effort to show each other how much they love the other. We both know how important it is, especially now that we've gone through so much. Don't get me wrong, I know this is one day in middle of a long, hard road. I know we will still have our ups and downs, but this day encouraged me and lifted my spirits...thanks to my wonderful man.
gpatb43 Posted July 10, 2011 Posted July 10, 2011 I didn't think it was necessary to start a new thread for this, but I wanted to share a moment from my marriage today. My kids were taking a nap this afternoon so my H said he wanted us to take a "nap" too. We snuggled and he cuddled and it felt so good and so right. He makes me feel so loved. This was exactly what I missed so much over the years. We used to be this way when we were first married. There was a time when I thought all of that was in the past. There is a lot to be said when both people make the effort to show each other how much they love the other. We both know how important it is, especially now that we've gone through so much. Don't get me wrong, I know this is one day in middle of a long, hard road. I know we will still have our ups and downs, but this day encouraged me and lifted my spirits...thanks to my wonderful man. Janey - awesome and inspirational. Yes it's a small step, many more hard months of work ahead, but the fact you embrace the moments on the journey is fabulous and courageous. Keep it up - sounds like this relationship can be saved
Author JaneyAmazed Posted July 11, 2011 Author Posted July 11, 2011 Janey as one of the few frmrWS who has been able to sucessfully R with BS' date=' do you ever go to the "other" forum and let them know how you've totally redeemed yourself? I've recently been on there, and can't believe how conniving these people really are- one in particular just make me sick to my stomache... lets call her "Kabin". My God, this woman is so delusional its unbelievable. The way she parades her affair as if its the most beautiful thing that has ever existed... My God... to think there are people like thatin the world. I really admire that yo've come so far. Keep on doing what you'e doing... the RIGHT thing.[/quote'] I have no idea who Kabin is. I haven't read any of her posts, but I do know that we're all in a different place. I was very delusional during my affair. If I had been posting here during the affair, I'd probably cringe at whatever I'd have to say! No, I wasn't proud of what I was doing, but I was addicted to my xOM and very delusional. As soon as it was all confessed, I made the choice to change my actions. Time away from xOM has cleared the delusions. Thanks for your words of encouragement to me. I intend to keep doing the right thing.
Spark1111 Posted July 11, 2011 Posted July 11, 2011 I have no idea who Kabin is. I haven't read any of her posts, but I do know that we're all in a different place. I was very delusional during my affair. If I had been posting here during the affair, I'd probably cringe at whatever I'd have to say! No, I wasn't proud of what I was doing, but I was addicted to my xOM and very delusional. As soon as it was all confessed, I made the choice to change my actions. Time away from xOM has cleared the delusions. Thanks for your words of encouragement to me. I intend to keep doing the right thing. Congrats janey! Three years out and we have the most amazing marriage. It was hard work, extremely painful, hours, hours, and hours of talking and crying and laughing together and every day he THANKS me for not kicking him to the curb. I am so grateful and happy to be here. I am so grateful HE did not run away from my anger and pain and rage. He could have, very easily, done so. I could have too.
donnamaybe Posted July 11, 2011 Posted July 11, 2011 I didn't think it was necessary to start a new thread for this, but I wanted to share a moment from my marriage today. My kids were taking a nap this afternoon so my H said he wanted us to take a "nap" too. We snuggled and he cuddled and it felt so good and so right. He makes me feel so loved. This was exactly what I missed so much over the years. We used to be this way when we were first married. There was a time when I thought all of that was in the past. There is a lot to be said when both people make the effort to show each other how much they love the other. We both know how important it is, especially now that we've gone through so much. Don't get me wrong, I know this is one day in middle of a long, hard road. I know we will still have our ups and downs, but this day encouraged me and lifted my spirits...thanks to my wonderful man.Oh, sweety, I'm so happy that you posted this! You see? He loves you. You both can make this work if you just keep trying!
Author JaneyAmazed Posted July 11, 2011 Author Posted July 11, 2011 Thanks Spark and DonnaM! I'm still riding the high of yesterday!
Kidd Posted July 11, 2011 Posted July 11, 2011 Janey, show him, tell him what it meant to you. Express as much affection and appreciation to him as you've shown us. Reward him. You won't believe how far that goes. Do it today. Do it now.
Author JaneyAmazed Posted July 11, 2011 Author Posted July 11, 2011 Janey, show him, tell him what it meant to you. Express as much affection and appreciation to him as you've shown us. Reward him. You won't believe how far that goes. Do it today. Do it now. I have, and I will continue to do so.
gpatb43 Posted July 12, 2011 Posted July 12, 2011 Janey - it will get better and better for you both, if you keep at it. You go girl!
JustJoe Posted July 12, 2011 Posted July 12, 2011 Janey, as a former OM, let me say that I think you are doing just fine. Your story and Anne's show one thing very clearly, that there was still love in your marriage even during the affair. You may have buried it deep or it may have gotten lost in the "fog", but it was still there, and only needed sunshine to bring it out again. Good Luck.
Author JaneyAmazed Posted July 12, 2011 Author Posted July 12, 2011 Janey, as a former OM, let me say that I think you are doing just fine. Your story and Anne's show one thing very clearly, that there was still love in your marriage even during the affair. You may have buried it deep or it may have gotten lost in the "fog", but it was still there, and only needed sunshine to bring it out again. Good Luck. I know this is true. Last year was the worst year of my life (emotionally) - before and during the affair. Being close to my H again changed everything. He knows I love him and I know he loves me. We don't just love each other, we cherish each other. We don't just say it, we show it. There is such a difference in the way we treat each other now compared to one year ago.
kevinm1019 Posted July 26, 2011 Posted July 26, 2011 So I've had this date in mind a while now. This marks 6 months since dday, as well as 6 months NC. I would love to be able to say everything is wonderful, and I am so over it all, but that would be a lie of course. I still feel the same as some of my other updates. I just read Silverplanets update, and it made me realize that I need to focus more looking within. I'm still not where I need to be where I don't depend on anyone for that stability and peace I know I can have. The point is I need to be healthy emotionally and give myself more time to heal. In a way 6 months seems like a long time, and in some ways it feels like dday was yesterday. One thing I've done is to focus on my H and his feelings. Whenever I start playing the self-pity vioin, I think of him and how he has suffered. We are both damaged, and sometimes we don't know how to help each other. I have learned to accept my H's way of dealing with this. I have learned to not worry that he doesn't want counseling or to talk to anyone. I have learned to be patient and to be thankful for the progress that has been made. I would not have made it through the last 6 months without my H's strength and love for me. I know it will take time to heal. I do get discouraged sometimes. I was that wife last year who was so unhappy that I was willing to step outside my boundaries for the sake of attention and affirmation. It's hard to have to face that I was her just 6 months ago. The feeling that I'm not worthy to be married still linger sometimes. I believe with all my heart that suffering is necessary to transform a person. I'm still not done suffering. But when I'm done, I fully expect to be a new person who doesn't recognize the sad and lost woman I became. I do have hope for my marriage, more so than ever. Healing is a slow and painful process, but we are healing. To everyone who has responded to Janey's post... thank you for the words of inspiration... and Janey... thank you for sharing your experience. This post has really helped me to refocus and try to see things in a more positive light and not focus on the negative feelings. As always... Owl... you remain an inspiration.
road Posted July 26, 2011 Posted July 26, 2011 Janey It will be 3 years from dday on Monday for us and I would still not like to say that we are 100% there (though that is pretty much down to me still working with the ex-OM ). Six months really is very early on in the whole process - for my H and I that was roughly when we got to the stage where we dared to talk about future plans rather than just lets get through the next few days/weeks/hours. Slow, steady progress is what it takes. Some slip ups along the way will happen but you obviously have it in you to fight for your marriage so don't give up. Why are you still working with the OM?
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