JaneyAmazed Posted July 8, 2011 Posted July 8, 2011 So I've had this date in mind a while now. This marks 6 months since dday, as well as 6 months NC. I would love to be able to say everything is wonderful, and I am so over it all, but that would be a lie of course. I still feel the same as some of my other updates. I just read Silverplanets update, and it made me realize that I need to focus more looking within. I'm still not where I need to be where I don't depend on anyone for that stability and peace I know I can have. The point is I need to be healthy emotionally and give myself more time to heal. In a way 6 months seems like a long time, and in some ways it feels like dday was yesterday. One thing I've done is to focus on my H and his feelings. Whenever I start playing the self-pity vioin, I think of him and how he has suffered. We are both damaged, and sometimes we don't know how to help each other. I have learned to accept my H's way of dealing with this. I have learned to not worry that he doesn't want counseling or to talk to anyone. I have learned to be patient and to be thankful for the progress that has been made. I would not have made it through the last 6 months without my H's strength and love for me. I know it will take time to heal. I do get discouraged sometimes. I was that wife last year who was so unhappy that I was willing to step outside my boundaries for the sake of attention and affirmation. It's hard to have to face that I was her just 6 months ago. The feeling that I'm not worthy to be married still linger sometimes. I believe with all my heart that suffering is necessary to transform a person. I'm still not done suffering. But when I'm done, I fully expect to be a new person who doesn't recognize the sad and lost woman I became. I do have hope for my marriage, more so than ever. Healing is a slow and painful process, but we are healing.
Owl Posted July 8, 2011 Posted July 8, 2011 Six months is still well within the "painful zone". There's a reason why they say that it typically takes 2-5 years for a marriage to recover...if it does. It took my marriage almost 2 years to recover, doing everything right, and dealing with an "EA only" situation. Six months is tough. The one year anniversaries of everything is also a tough timeframe...it's once you start to come up on the two year anniversaries that you can really contrast how much better things are (hopefully) than they were. Hang in there Janey. What are you guys still doing to ACTIVELY repair and rebuild your marriage?
Author JaneyAmazed Posted July 8, 2011 Author Posted July 8, 2011 I just realized how very depressing my post was. I wanted to say that it hasn't been all suffering and pain. I have had many, many good times that I've been able to bond with my H and my kids like never before. These times are what keep me hopeful. I don't believe in sugarcoating anything but I certaintly didn't mean for it sound like it's all been doom and gloom.
Author JaneyAmazed Posted July 8, 2011 Author Posted July 8, 2011 Six months is still well within the "painful zone". There's a reason why they say that it typically takes 2-5 years for a marriage to recover...if it does. It took my marriage almost 2 years to recover, doing everything right, and dealing with an "EA only" situation. Six months is tough. The one year anniversaries of everything is also a tough timeframe...it's once you start to come up on the two year anniversaries that you can really contrast how much better things are (hopefully) than they were. Hang in there Janey. What are you guys still doing to ACTIVELY repair and rebuild your marriage? Thank you, Owl. It helps to know that this is normal. Oh, I wish I could fastforward to 2 years! To actively repair our marriage, we do things differently than before. My H has made a lot of sacrifices and far as his work schedule. We communicate better than we ever have. We take time to be together, just the two of us without the kids more often. Our sex life is more frequent and exciting than ever. I have to say that helps! It's helped us both being more intimate. He still holds a lot in, but I don't try to analyze him anymore. I don't force him to talk about everything. I believe he has to heal in his own way. I heal better my talking through IC.
What_Next Posted July 8, 2011 Posted July 8, 2011 Hang in there Janey, it will get better! My wife and I are approaching the 1 year mark ourselves and our relationship is lightyears ahead of where it once was. There are dark days and there are godo days, I am happy to say that the good days outnumber the dark days. Good for you for having the patience and wisdom to realize that your H must find his own way to heal.
donnamaybe Posted July 8, 2011 Posted July 8, 2011 Janey, it's good that you post here about your progress. It's always good to "say" things - put them down "on paper" so to speak. It's cathartic. It sounds like you and your man have the right attitude about your healing process. Yeah, he doesn't want counseling, but if you are both aware of your issues, you can at least address them in some way - together. I'm pulling for you girl!
Author JaneyAmazed Posted July 8, 2011 Author Posted July 8, 2011 Janey, it's good that you post here about your progress. It's always good to "say" things - put them down "on paper" so to speak. It's cathartic. It sounds like you and your man have the right attitude about your healing process. Yeah, he doesn't want counseling, but if you are both aware of your issues, you can at least address them in some way - together. I'm pulling for you girl! Thanks Donnamaybe - You are right about posting here. I know it sounds crazy considering no one here knows me irl but I kind think of you and some of the other supporters here as ones I am held accountable to. Whenever I start feeling really weak and vunerable, I come here and start reading posts. It does help me get stronger. Sometimes all I need is a little encouragement and I always find it here. Sometimes I need a wake up call, and I find that here too!
Author JaneyAmazed Posted July 8, 2011 Author Posted July 8, 2011 Hang in there Janey, it will get better! My wife and I are approaching the 1 year mark ourselves and our relationship is lightyears ahead of where it once was. There are dark days and there are godo days, I am happy to say that the good days outnumber the dark days. Good for you for having the patience and wisdom to realize that your H must find his own way to heal. Oh thanks Whatnext! Just reading that you're at the one year mark and you're lightyears ahead makes me smile! I am also happy that the good days outnumber the dark days. You know, during the affair I couldn't say that. There were many, many more dark days with no hope. Now I have hope. Thanks again for the encouragement.
What_Next Posted July 8, 2011 Posted July 8, 2011 Welcome back trgor, I knew I recognized your posting style
anne1707 Posted July 8, 2011 Posted July 8, 2011 Janey It will be 3 years from dday on Monday for us and I would still not like to say that we are 100% there (though that is pretty much down to me still working with the ex-OM ). Six months really is very early on in the whole process - for my H and I that was roughly when we got to the stage where we dared to talk about future plans rather than just lets get through the next few days/weeks/hours. Slow, steady progress is what it takes. Some slip ups along the way will happen but you obviously have it in you to fight for your marriage so don't give up.
Kidd Posted July 8, 2011 Posted July 8, 2011 Janey, I didn't see your post as depressing but as rather optimistic. I'm at a whopping 10 weeks. I'm still in the "Do you ever stop thinking about it?" phase. I'm encouraged with each poster that is a day past me and still reconciling. Got a few of them right here. Keep doing the right things so that you can be proud of yourself, your husband can be proud of you, and keep your chin up.
Author JaneyAmazed Posted July 8, 2011 Author Posted July 8, 2011 I would love to be able to say everything is wonderful That's the problem. No, the problem would be if I lied and said everything is great and mislead people who are going through the same thing. You knew that though.
Author JaneyAmazed Posted July 8, 2011 Author Posted July 8, 2011 Janey, I didn't see your post as depressing but as rather optimistic. I'm at a whopping 10 weeks. I'm still in the "Do you ever stop thinking about it?" phase. I'm encouraged with each poster that is a day past me and still reconciling. Got a few of them right here. Keep doing the right things so that you can be proud of yourself, your husband can be proud of you, and keep your chin up. I think we will think about it for a long time, but I've learned to distract myself when I get too absorbed in it. Even if I don't feel like it, I'll call someone or just get in my car and go a store or something. It's just my way of coping. Also, reading has helped me. I've been reading a lot of good books this year. (Fiction - not self-help! lol!) Self-help is good too. It's just everyone has an opinion and it can hurt more than help. And you're right about being proud of ourselves. During the affair, I was ashamed all the time. I hated being around people I loved and people who respected me. It made me feel so unworthy and so small. It's good to be able to have that self-respect back. 10 weeks is wonderful by the way. Don't knock it!
Author JaneyAmazed Posted July 8, 2011 Author Posted July 8, 2011 Janey It will be 3 years from dday on Monday for us and I would still not like to say that we are 100% there (though that is pretty much down to me still working with the ex-OM ). Six months really is very early on in the whole process - for my H and I that was roughly when we got to the stage where we dared to talk about future plans rather than just lets get through the next few days/weeks/hours. Slow, steady progress is what it takes. Some slip ups along the way will happen but you obviously have it in you to fight for your marriage so don't give up. Anne, I still admire you so much. I just can't imagine having to work with xOM. I can't imagine having to see him at all...especially right after the affair. You are an inspiration to me. I think you had it tougher than me, so I know I can do this. I do have it in my to fight for my marriage.
whichwayisup Posted July 8, 2011 Posted July 8, 2011 So I've had this date in mind a while now. This marks 6 months since dday, as well as 6 months NC. I would love to be able to say everything is wonderful, and I am so over it all, but that would be a lie of course. I still feel the same as some of my other updates. I just read Silverplanets update, and it made me realize that I need to focus more looking within. I'm still not where I need to be where I don't depend on anyone for that stability and peace I know I can have. The point is I need to be healthy emotionally and give myself more time to heal. In a way 6 months seems like a long time, and in some ways it feels like dday was yesterday. One thing I've done is to focus on my H and his feelings. Whenever I start playing the self-pity vioin, I think of him and how he has suffered. We are both damaged, and sometimes we don't know how to help each other. I have learned to accept my H's way of dealing with this. I have learned to not worry that he doesn't want counseling or to talk to anyone. I have learned to be patient and to be thankful for the progress that has been made. I would not have made it through the last 6 months without my H's strength and love for me. I know it will take time to heal. I do get discouraged sometimes. I was that wife last year who was so unhappy that I was willing to step outside my boundaries for the sake of attention and affirmation. It's hard to have to face that I was her just 6 months ago. The feeling that I'm not worthy to be married still linger sometimes. I believe with all my heart that suffering is necessary to transform a person. I'm still not done suffering. But when I'm done, I fully expect to be a new person who doesn't recognize the sad and lost woman I became. I do have hope for my marriage, more so than ever. Healing is a slow and painful process, but we are healing. You still need to have the eurika moment when everything falls into place in your heart and head, beating up on yourself and most of, forgiving yourself. Your H has and both of you are working through this together. Of course passing thoughts and feelings are going to happen, negative ones, but don't let that discourage you and don't focus on them. It's building blocks, one brick at a time..Just try not to remove the bricks that are being built by allowing old crap to creep back into your mind. Keep up the good work J!
OldOnTheInside Posted July 8, 2011 Posted July 8, 2011 Patience. Like Owl says: 2-5 years of really hard work. In my own experience, it took nearly 4 years for things to return to some level of "normalcy". Although, there was a lot more than my now ex-wife's affair going on. Though I don't regret doing it, I don't think that the person I am now would have bothered. Good luck...
gpatb43 Posted July 8, 2011 Posted July 8, 2011 You still need to have the eurika moment when everything falls into place in your heart and head, beating up on yourself and most of, forgiving yourself. Your H has and both of you are working through this together. Of course passing thoughts and feelings are going to happen, negative ones, but don't let that discourage you and don't focus on them. It's building blocks, one brick at a time..Just try not to remove the bricks that are being built by allowing old crap to creep back into your mind. Keep up the good work J! Your doing just great - keep working on yourself, keep working at showing him that he is the light in your life, don't be discouraged by the hard days that you have and that lie ahead - if you can come through these moments together, your relationship will be stronger than most out there, trust me. You will both have been to hell and back, and as a result, will together attain the life you wanted. I wish you all the luck in the world.
jnj express Posted July 8, 2011 Posted July 8, 2011 Hey Janey---I have a couple of questions, if you wanna answer fine---If not I will understand Does your H. outwardly trigger, and if so, at what, and how do you handle him when he does trigger around you----and-------Do you know the deep down core why---you needed to step ouside your mge., and what did you actually have to go thru/do to get to the actual why???? If you can/want to answer fine----I think it helps other, waywards, and betrayed's deal with their problems if they can look at how things were handled in a mge, that is successfully R'ing.----thx
Author JaneyAmazed Posted July 9, 2011 Author Posted July 9, 2011 I'm sorry that what I said apparently went right over your head due to your defensiveness. The problem isn't that you didn't lie about everything feeling wonderful. (I'm not sure where you got that inference from.) The problem is your need for your relationships to be "wonderful" in the first place. Your marriage was not "wonderful," so you tried to "solve" that "problem" by having an affair. If you keep waiting for, and expecting things, to be "wonderful," you will always be dissatisfied and disappointed. You have to learn to be satisfied with your life, as it is. And to be able to accept it, yourself, and your spouse, with all the relevant flaws and imperfections. Appreciate what you have. And for gosh sake--stop pining over your OM!!! You know nothing about me. Sorry. It would be a waste of time to go back and forth with you. Have a nice weekend.
What_Next Posted July 9, 2011 Posted July 9, 2011 Janey tregor is just a new username for one of the members that likely was banned... Same ole stuff out of him.
Author JaneyAmazed Posted July 9, 2011 Author Posted July 9, 2011 Hey Janey---I have a couple of questions, if you wanna answer fine---If not I will understand Does your H. outwardly trigger, and if so, at what, and how do you handle him when he does trigger around you----and-------Do you know the deep down core why---you needed to step ouside your mge., and what did you actually have to go thru/do to get to the actual why???? If you can/want to answer fine----I think it helps other, waywards, and betrayed's deal with their problems if they can look at how things were handled in a mge, that is successfully R'ing.----thx He hardly ever outwardly triggers. Only a couple of times when we've been in arguments which is understandable. He is so kind and understanding with me most of the time. Deep down I do know why I did what I did. If you read my old posts, you'll find the answers. No matter why I did it, it was wrong. There were so many other choices I could have made before taking that step. I own what I did and I make no excuses. I'm just glad that I am able to move forward and learn from this whole experience. I hate that my H had to suffer because of my poor choices, but we will do the best we can given the circumstances.
Author JaneyAmazed Posted July 9, 2011 Author Posted July 9, 2011 Janey tregor is just a new username for one of the members that likely was banned... Same ole stuff out of him. Yep. Same ole, same ole. No surprises.
Author JaneyAmazed Posted July 9, 2011 Author Posted July 9, 2011 Here's a relevant thread "You know nothing about my situation"...take a look...y' might learn sumpin'... http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t274802/ Just so you don't waste anymore time finding links and such, you are on ignore now. If someone quotes you, I'll simply skip over it. Move on to the next fWS
Kidd Posted July 9, 2011 Posted July 9, 2011 He hardly ever outwardly triggers. Only a couple of times when we've been in arguments which is understandable. He is so kind and understanding with me most of the time. Deep down I do know why I did what I did. If you read my old posts, you'll find the answers. No matter why I did it, it was wrong. There were so many other choices I could have made before taking that step. I own what I did and I make no excuses. I'm just glad that I am able to move forward and learn from this whole experience. I hate that my H had to suffer because of my poor choices, but we will do the best we can given the circumstances. Wonderful post.
anne1707 Posted July 9, 2011 Posted July 9, 2011 I just can't imagine having to work with xOM. Obviously, she doesn't "have to" work with her OM. 3 years out from the A is plenty long enough to have found another job if she'd wanted to. Excuse me but "she" and her H are doing fine which "she" is sure you won't believe. "She" is looking for other jobs but "she" and her husband have agreed that "she" should not take any old job as "she" has a very successful career. "She" knows the ex-OM means nothing to her and that he is not "her OM" or but "the ex-OM". "She" does not make any claim to him and wants nothing to do with him.
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