AlisaMarie Posted July 8, 2011 Posted July 8, 2011 He called me on Tuesday... we had a nice chat. It was a check in. I really wouldn't have answered but he called from a private number. We had some small talk. He wanted me to tell him that we couldn't be together... that I hated him and found someone new.... I told him I would be lying. I had a dream that he was with the girl that caused us problems. I woke up (this was 2 days later) today... at 5am and called him. He told me she's been helping him and wouldn't really confess of any other thing. I asked him if they had sex, he said he's not discussing that with me. We started talking about how we can work it out to get back together because our love can't be severed. We were making plans... then all the sudden he said he had to go. He called back and said he couldn't do it. Break NC and get what you deserve I guess. I feel like we broke up again. I can't do this anymore I am making myself sick. Now I know that he has her and she's replacing me. I can't take this. I HAVE TO MOVE FORWARD WITHOUT HIM. NOW!!!!!!!!!!!
Mack05 Posted July 8, 2011 Posted July 8, 2011 . I HAVE TO MOVE FORWARD WITHOUT HIM. NOW!!!!!!!!!!! You said it yourself..I read this in another post you posted AM -> "On and off for almost 2 years". No good/healthy relationhsip is on and off for 2 years, believe me AM. It's truly amazing how many people stay in relationships that deep down they know is not right. I have done it, more then once actually. We always make crazy kind of excuses to stay, those excuses are normally driven by fear, because we don't like the idea of facing the world on our own. So even though it's wrong we go back to our safety net, kidding ourselves that it's going to be different this time. That he will change, or I will change or better yet let's both change. Eventually a day wll come where we stop kidding ourselves because literally we can't take anymore and one or the other partner leaves. Sadly we have wasted so much precious time staying in a relationship that was simply not working... When we find the right person we can just be oursleves and they will love us for who we are. All of us, warts and all. That guy will never be your ex AM. Today you need to follow your quote above. In this instance I break NC for the last time. I would explain to my ex (in no uncertain terms) that I longer with him to contact me (god I sound so gay ) and that I would ignore any contact attempts. Wish him well and make a promise to yourself to leave it at that. Once you have done this then you can start to grieve and to heal. Today you take your power back.
Mack05 Posted July 8, 2011 Posted July 8, 2011 Also AM you have to stop beating yourself up and saying stuff like "I hate myself". This is really damaging to self esteem. Break yourself free today and give your self esteem a boost. Start thinking of yourself in a positive way and forgive yourself for all past mistakes (both in and out of the relationship). It's not easy, I know this but take the first positive step today in getting your life back on track..
Author AlisaMarie Posted July 8, 2011 Author Posted July 8, 2011 Also AM you have to stop beating yourself up and saying stuff like "I hate myself". This is really damaging to self esteem. Break yourself free today and give your self esteem a boost. Start thinking of yourself in a positive way and forgive yourself for all past mistakes (both in and out of the relationship). It's not easy, I know this but take the first positive step today in getting your life back on track.. I know mack... and I am that person that can't practice what I preach. I am being replaced. I feel so incredibly empty... and starting to count the days of NC is absolute torture. I was up to 10 days... he's the one that called two nights ago... he's the one that drove past my house. He's the one that says he misses me and I haunt him. As soon as I turn around and say the same- it's not going to work. Why is this such a ****ing game??????? Life is too short to EVER feel this way. We can be happy- with or without each other. He says it hurts more to be apart. So I guess the only defense I have to hurting him is to stay away... forEVER. Do I block his number? I feel like I can't... like that's me turning my back on him.
Mack05 Posted July 8, 2011 Posted July 8, 2011 (edited) like that's me turning my back on him. AM what exactly are you turning your back on??Do you think he deserves for you to care about him? I could be wrong here, but I am starting to think you have some codependent traits. How do you think you are going to heal and then move on, if you are concerned about your ex and his feelings? I'm a codependent. I have no problems admitting this. I have read a few books on how I need to overcome this..Still have work to do on this side of my personality. Instead of grieving for my relationship, I spent the first few weeks trying to figure out what was 'wrong' with my ex and then trying to help her in my own way. God that sounds so ridiculous to me now!It was NEVER my place to do this. As it turns out, I was just postponing having to deal with my own grief. I know it's hard AM, especially if you are a compassionate person, but when we are moving on we have to be selfish. By all means when we are breaking up we should give our ex's all the respect they deserve, treat them the way we would like to be treated. But once the breakup has been finalized, you have to be selfish. It's actually best for you both in the long run, even though it may not feel like that at the the time.. Edited July 8, 2011 by Mack05
Author AlisaMarie Posted July 8, 2011 Author Posted July 8, 2011 AM what exactly are you turning your back on??Do you think he deserves for you to care about him? I could be wrong here, but I am starting to think you have some codependent traits. How do you think you are going to heal and then move on, if you are concerned about your ex and his feelings? I'm a codependent. I have no problems admitting this. I have read a few books on how I need to overcome this..Still have work to do on this side of my personality. Instead of grieving for my relationship, I spent the first few weeks trying to figure out what was 'wrong' with my ex and then trying to help her in my own way. God that sounds so ridiculous to me now!It was NEVER my place to do this. I know it's hard AM, especially if you are a compassionate person, but when we are moving on we have to be selfish. By all means when we are breaking up we should give our ex's all the respect they deserve, treat them the way we would like to be treated. But once the breakup has been finalized, you have to be selfish. It's actually best for you both in the long run, even though it may not feel like that at the the time.. Yes, I will admit it. I am a fixer. Very codependent in relationships (but not clingy) but very independent physically. I spend most of my time trying to figure him out... and he surly has issues- as I do. I know what I have to do... I am just so ****ing hurt. Ignorance is BLISS and now I know the other girl is involved of course I can't help but think it's all about her. I taught his baby to walk and talk and did everything so he could go to school and work- and now I don't have either of them. I know he wasn't my son... but he was in my care for his entire life! (year and a half). I can't stand the thought of this girls hands on my ex... OR HIS BABY. My heart is shattered. I hate this town. And it didn't make me feel any better that he said he loves me and misses me and I haunt him...but still won't stick through things. That means he's either lying or a complete coward. OMG!!!!
geegirl Posted July 8, 2011 Posted July 8, 2011 Lying or a coward? Either one, not traits that you want in a partner. While she's playing house with him, he's also making contact with you. Definitely a liar and a coward. Lying to the two of you and too much of a coward to make an honest decision. You deserve better. And remember, even if he decided to be with you, his patterns would certainly have him doing the same to you. Nothing anyone can say is going to make you feel better. I know the hurt of knowing that another woman is now in your ex's life. It's an unexplainable pain. The pain of a break up is one thing. But the added pain of betrayal and seeing them with someone else, is unimaginable. It's been six months now for me and just seeing him a few weeks ago with someone else, brought tears to my eyes. Did it last long? No, about 30 seconds of crying and then I went home and was pigging out on a burger watching old Bristish comedies. Did I imagine them going to bed when I was about to hit the sack? Yes, but it was fleeting. I was in dreamland in minutes. Now, 6 months ago when I caught him having sex with someone else, how did I feel? I felt like I was going to die. I was crying every two minutes thinking of her in his bed, in his kitchen, in his shower, in his car...just kept breaking me over and over again. I was devastated for a couple of months. The thought of being replaced, wondering if she was better, prettier, smarter, funnier, etc. plagued me every waking moment. I was having dreams at night and anxiety attacks in the day. What I am trying to say is that, I promise it will get better with time. Just one foot infront of the other. Through it to get past it. As you release your attachment to him, the intensity of this pain will lessen. I don't know what I am saying but because I can almost remember those feelings that you are feeling now, I want to assure you that you will get through this Alisa. Please don't contact him anymore. If you see a private number, do not pick it up. If you are wanting to heal, avoid anything that looks suspicious or out of the ordinary. Block him if you can. You won't be turning your back on him. Remember, he turned his back on you. He's with someone else. If anything, you are the one willing to give it a second chance. He doesn't want it. So, who's turning backs here? Don't use the excuse when the only reason why you don't want to block is because you are hopeful and thinking that you may miss the chance if he decides to contact you with news that he wants to work it out. You want to be available, should it happen. Stop. Please NC. I know it hurts but this pain is temporary. Keeping in contact with him, will cause you indefinite heartache.
Mack05 Posted July 8, 2011 Posted July 8, 2011 I was going to page you for this thread Gee ;-). Paging Geegirl, Paging Geegirl. Turns out, I didn't have to..
geegirl Posted July 8, 2011 Posted July 8, 2011 Oh boy, Mack...I feel Alisa's pain. They should invent a pill for broken hearts and one for erasing the memory of *******s. Really!
sun_moon Posted July 8, 2011 Posted July 8, 2011 My heart goes out to you, it really sucks doesn't it? Ok so now, you have to move to action. Make a quick list of what you are not going to do again. You CAN do this. Even if you dont believe it for now Alisa, you have to repeat it until you feel it and believe it. YOU CAN GET PAST THIS and more importantly you are going to practice some hard core ignoring. When you give up the hope you get your life back, does the pain disappear? NO, but it sure is more manageable and you feel empowered. I had to hit rock bottom before I came to realization, just like 1000s of other people on here or not on this forum, to stop searching for more pain again, it took one last gigantic blow for me to go NC. You can too, you hit rock bottom, you can survive this. The only place you can go from now is up up up, and I promise you, you will get there. Make the conscious decision to stop the cycle. Make the conscious decision to delete him from your life, block, erase, put away, to eventually move on. Make the conscious decision to walk away. Most importantly make the conscious decision to know YOU DESERVE BETTER. I am sending you virtual hugs, I feel your pain, and its just sucks. You will be miserable all over again for the first few days and week, but I promise you, you will recover better than you expect because there is no longer a shock factor, you expect this type of horrible behavior from him. So, stop asking for more. Do hate yourself, and Mack is right, dont ever say that. Say I HATE HIM! It may not be true but it helps channel your emotions in the right direction, taking blame away from you. Own up to your decision to break NC, but dont dwell, move on and take your POWER back.
Author AlisaMarie Posted July 8, 2011 Author Posted July 8, 2011 Can I really just say right now that ALL of you are truly an inspiration. I have been crying since 5am... almost twelve hours. I went to the movies with friends and went for a walk. IGNORANCE IS BLISS. It's like I wanted the pain. I must break this cycle with him, and future relationships. My daughter left for vacation and I spent the whole morning sick and crying instead of loving and appreciating her. SHAME ON ME. I almost feel bad for the "other girl" while she's trying to win his heart and take care of his son, he's calling me confessing his love. Sickening. I have held in my pain for 3 weeks since we broke up- and no more. I have to morn, let it out... cry, die a little and come back because this time- it is TRULY over. No more ping pong doormat wipe your feet on my yo-yo bull****.
sun_moon Posted July 8, 2011 Posted July 8, 2011 Oh by the way I meant in my last message, DONT hate yourself, not do hate yourself. Atta girl, you can do this, grieving is necessary. Holding on to hope is not good. Immerse yourself in LS.
Author AlisaMarie Posted July 8, 2011 Author Posted July 8, 2011 Oh by the way I meant in my last message, DONT hate yourself, not do hate yourself. Atta girl, you can do this, grieving is necessary. Holding on to hope is not good. Immerse yourself in LS. It's like he just wanted to make sure I'd still be there for him. Now he knows so he can do him and whoever he wants. I don't know how to stop crying and wondering right now. My tears won't dry.
geegirl Posted July 8, 2011 Posted July 8, 2011 Don't say that Alisa. You are suffering a loss. You're not a machine. Just because you are grieving and feeling emotionally crippled at this time, it does not speak for you love and apprceciation for your child. She knows you love her and appreciate her and I can bet you that all she wants is for you to get better and to see you happy again. Don't beat yourself up for every little thing. It is sickening, isn't it. While she's thinking she's his girlfriend, having an exclusive and commited relationship with him, thinking she has a prize on her hands, here he is sneaking around talking to you. The roles could easily be reversed. Yes, mourn. Let it all out. Even if you literally feel like dying, barrel through it. It's all you can do. The alternative is to call him and get beaten down again. It's insanity. Print this thread. Read it everytime you feel weak and want to contact. It will remind you of the hurt and the disappointment you will face if you contact and it will give you the reality slap you need everytime you want to break NC. One minute you're going to be determined and the next you're going to be weak and hopeful. It will come in waves. Just feel it and let it pass, because it will pass. Don't react. Be still.
geegirl Posted July 8, 2011 Posted July 8, 2011 It's like he just wanted to make sure I'd still be there for him. Now he knows so he can do him and whoever he wants. I don't know how to stop crying and wondering right now. My tears won't dry. You don't need to know how to stop crying. Just cry. It's a process Alisa. Like grieving the death of someone close to you. This is no different. You are experiencing grief and hopelessness. It's natural and good for you to purge it all out.
Author AlisaMarie Posted July 9, 2011 Author Posted July 9, 2011 You don't need to know how to stop crying. Just cry. It's a process Alisa. Like grieving the death of someone close to you. This is no different. You are experiencing grief and hopelessness. It's natural and good for you to purge it all out. Well... today was horrible. I felt sick and I literally cried for 15 hours. I was BETTER OFF not knowing that he loves and misses me... NOT knowing that some other girl is replacing me that he doesn't even claim to care about but has been sexing her up and having her watch his baby... His reasons? HE HAS NOBODY... HE LEFT ME!!!!!!!!!!!!! I can't take this anymore. I am so sick of the games. I called him tonight because I was seriously going to dump my anger and say anything to hurt him to make him feel like he made me feel... but... I KNOW BETTER. I blocked my number and hung up before any words came out. I am done. Nothing I can say matters anyway.
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