downgrade23 Posted July 8, 2011 Posted July 8, 2011 Ok...let me first start off by saying I'm posting this to get some level-headed opinions and advice on how to help keep my family and save my marriage. Im 28 years old and my wife is 35, we have been married for a little over 4 years. We have a son that is 2 1/2 and she has a daughter from a previous relationship that is 8 and I have raised her as my own for basically the last 6 years. I thought that we had a decently solid marriage up until 2 months ago. We had our arguements, but what couple doesn't? After a few years, of being married, we began to get too comfortable together and neither of us were meeting the needs of the other emotionally to the best of our abilities, we did do things for one another that married couples that are in love do, but not all the needs were met by either party. I work 12 hr days 5 days/wk and have missed out on things because the hours that I work make it difficult to be able to spend a lot of time with my wife and kids. I told my wife that as long as I can afford to pay the bills and still have a little money left over from the check for play money for us then she wouldn't have to work. This has caused some resentment because she took it as I wouldn't allow her to work because I didn't want to pay for a babysitter. She said that before she got pregnant with our son, she didn't want to have anymore children. She said that the only reason that she got pregnant is because I wanted a child of my own. She said that since he was born in Oct 2008 that I have treated him differently that I treated my step-daughter. I will admit that I did, but when he was 1 he had some health problems that caused him to lose weight or barely gain any at all. He had special foods that he had to eat and wasn't allowed anything that had a dairy base in his diet. I have made peace with my step-daughter and now I no longer treat her different than our son. She knows that I love her no less than I do our son and she understands that I work a lot of hours to support our family. In May of this year, my wife left me because she said that I wasn't meeting her needs emotionally. She told me that she hadn't been in love with me for the last 2 years, but that she still has love for me because of me being the father to our 2 kids. I find this hard to believe because if she didn't love me she wouldn't have been willing to do the things that a couple in a healthy relationship do(being intimate, stating they love each other, etc.). I knew that for the last couple of months that she had become friends with a guy that I didn't know. Until about a month and a half ago, it was just a friendship. After she left me, she had started spending all of her time over at this guys house and she had basically all but left our kids in the care of a family friend or other family members. I have tried to take the children so that I knew they were being taken care of while I was working. I later came to find out that the guy that she had been staying with was a drug addict who either pops pills or crushes and snorts them. This guy also has a history of beating on women and he has verbally abused my wife in text messages, and has called her every thing in the book, yet she still keeps seeing him. His outbursts are especially bad whenever she is around me. I tried to intervene in this for her safety and our kids safety, she keeps telling me that I cannot stop her from seeing him or taking our kids to see him. Since she started talking to this guy, she had talked about our problems in the marriage and has all but brainwashed her. He has threatened to kill her because she was with me one day doing a couple things. I think that part of the issues in this are stemming from her mom and dad both abandoning her and her siblings when they were around the same age as our daughter, also her grandfather passed away back in October, and I think that he is intervening in our marriage because my mother fired his mother for coming to work drunk and being an alcoholic. At one point he up and text my cell phone out of the blue to tell me off when I had never done anything to him. Since that conversation, which was almost a month ago, my wife left to go to Texas with her grandmother for a family reunion and she had stated, while she was gone, that she wanted to try and work out our marriage and that she still loved me. In the days proceeding her return she stated that she wanted nothing to do with me and didn't want to talk to me unless in the presence of a lawyer. In the past week, she has stayed with a mutual friend and her husband with the kids because she has no job, no money, and her family refuses to support her because of her treatment towards me. I truly love her and fell for her the first time we met at her cousin's house almost 6 years ago. I have taken it harder than I thought I would take it. I am usually not an overly emotional guy, and I do have my moments where I cry from certain events in life, but I have cried my eyes out more times than I can count mostly because of the effect that these events have taken on our children, but I have taken the situation hard as well especially on Father's Day. I miss everything about her even though I do get to see her from time to time at our friend's home when I stop to see the kids. I usually make it a point to spend the little bit of time from when I leave work until they go to bed with them. On my days off I stay the night there the evening prior and spend all day with them. There are times when she is at the house and there are more times when she isn't. We have had our talks and I have read numerous relationship building books including: The Magic of Making Up, Women's Infedilty 1 & 2, Winning Your Wife Back Before Its Too Late, and Survive Her Affair. None of the methods have really helped. She now wants to basically just be friends. I'm not sure if I would be okay with just being friends, because I have spent 2/3 of my adult life with her and we have an extensive past with a lot of bad things that have happened to her that I was there to help her deal with. There is a deep emotional bond between us that I'm not sure I want to lose. I am almost at the point now where I no longer care about her, but still I refuse to give up hope on her. The only thing that really matters to me is making sure that the kids are safe and having their needs met in all aspects of life. In the past month and a half, I have realized the areas of our marriage that I had neglected and have truly changed myself to be a better father and husband. I have lost over 30lbs because of my change in lifestyle, being that now I run at least 4-5 miles every morning before work and eating healthier. I started to play my guitar again for the first time in 3 years and write music about my life and now I hardly ever spend any time playing video games which I used to do every day, but nothing seems to get any response from her. I have the twinkle in her eye that I've always seen a few times in the past 3 days which I hadn't seen in the months and she has sat with me and we have done crossword puzzles together, which we always used to do after we had first gotten married. I just would like to know what the best approach would be to get this guy out of her life and to try to get her to reason with me on the situation so we can get marriage counseling and try to get our family back together so our children won't have to grow up in a broken home.
2sunny Posted July 8, 2011 Posted July 8, 2011 make sure she's uncomfortable. cut off her money hire child care change the locks after making sure she knows not to come home file divorce papers tell her to get a full time job that might wake her up to the reality she's created. do it all tomorrow. best odds to get her to change - enforce the change she'll have to see IF you DO get divorced. get moving.
2.50 a gallon Posted July 8, 2011 Posted July 8, 2011 (edited) 2sunny has good advice. You cannot woo her back by being nice to her, she is addicted to the drug of the OM, she will not listen to common sense. Do not beg, cry or plead, this will only turn the remaining love she has for you into pity. No flowers, no CD's, No Candy, no presents, they will only weaken you in her eyes Your best bet is to move on in life, become a better you. Be a a shinning example of manliness, follow 2sunnys advice and fight for your kid. She is chosing to stand in the middle of the train tracks with a train baring down on her. Going out to help her will only get you ran over by the train. Your best bet is to stand back and let it happen and then see if you can pick up the pieces. Start journaling everything about what you do, the hours you work, when you see the kids, take them to day care, or what ever, when you see her, etc. Purchase a voice operated recorder that you can keep in your pocket to record every face to face conversation she has with you, and add them to your journal Also wayward wives and their attorneys some times hatch a plot whereby the wife starts an argument, then claims that the husband abused them then call the police so that you go to jail and while in jail you find out that she has served you with a restraining order and forced to move out of you house while she moves back in. A VAR can cover you a$$ if this scenario should happen Be a rock for your kid and she cannot fail but to notice and respect you for being the man, and that is the first step for her falling back in love with you. Why are you still in love with her? Really! Think about it! You deserve so much better, there are lots of women standing on the side lines looking for a good man to share their life and bed with, and once they have found you know how to nurture, and take care of a love I was once in similar shoes and though it was hard at first, I walked away, and when she came back I kept on walking. You would be surprised how quickly that there were a number of woman vying to be the new Mrs. Gallon The one that I chose has now been with me for almost 16 years, in all that time if you added up the cross words we have exhanged it would total less than half an hour. We do not fight, we love, we take care of each other, she's mine and I am hers, and she maybe be totally out of my league in the looks department, but she don't see it that way, I am her man and nobody else need apply This new life awaits you if you so choose, and it is a lot better than getting hit by a train Edited July 8, 2011 by 2.50 a gallon
What_Next Posted July 8, 2011 Posted July 8, 2011 You've been given great advice here. Listen to it! Do the opposite of what you "think" you should be doing. Good luck, you'll need it. Above all else PROTECT YOUR KIDS!
2sunny Posted July 8, 2011 Posted July 8, 2011 as an added note: since she's hanging out with a drug addict - you should be thinking she may be doing drugs as well... her different actions could be explained this way. yep, i'd be thinking she's involved in pill popping too. oxycontin - taken orally - processes in the body as heroin, did you know that?
Mauschen Posted July 8, 2011 Posted July 8, 2011 3 pieces of advice: 1. Cut her off emotionally and financially. If she needs your help or wants to talk about anything other than the exchange of children, tell her you're not interested. If she needs help changing a flat tire, don't help (if your kids are with her, just pick them up and leave her there), etc. HAVE FUN (or pretend to) - work out, get a new good-looking wardrobe, do a ton of fun things with the kids. If you appear happy and mysterious, you may be more attractive to your wife. She is in a FOG and will not find you attractive if you beg, plead, cry, and try to rationalize with her. When you cut her off, then she only has one person to meet her needs - her druggie bf, and eventually he won't be able to meet her needs (hopefully). 2. Read the book "Child Custody A to Z" by Guy White. VERY helpful even if you end up not needing it. Until then, document EVERYTHING. When you have the kids, when she ditches them, when she is with her bf. Does she take the kids around him? Is he drugged-up at the time? etc. 3. Read His Needs Her Needs or watch the youtube series posted by Dr. Harley. Obviously, you won't be able to put any of this info into practice right now, but it will be helpful in the future. Also read http://www.marriagebuilders.com website - there is a lot of info there about cheating spouses and what to do with them.
Mauschen Posted July 8, 2011 Posted July 8, 2011 Oh, and what sunny and 2.50 gallon say, I think it is also good advice, but you mentioned that you wanted to keep your family together, so my advice is based on that desire of yours. I too had a cheating spouse and finally let go of him. At first it was very difficult, and still is due to child-related things (he has other issues besides cheating). But I have moved on and am much happier now that I don't have to worry about whether or not he is going to scr*w me over again in the future. My current husband is the complete opposite of him - and he is doting, caring, and not interested in partying or hanging out with other women. So, there is life after cheating and divorce - in case your life goes that way. It is really just too bad for the poor children involved.
Author downgrade23 Posted July 9, 2011 Author Posted July 9, 2011 I have cut her off financially and emotionally already...the only obligation I have to her financially is to pay her car payment because the registration is in her name, the loan in mine. I have already spoken to the bank and they said that they are unable to change over the memorandum title to my name but when the car is paid off in 10 months, they can put the title in my name. As far as child care, I don't have to pay for that, my father recently retired from his job and has said that he has no problem watching the children while I am at work. I have changed the locks on the house and I have told her that she needs to get a job. I have yet to file divorce papers because in 2 days, the kids and I will be leaving for a vacation and will be gone for almost a week. I am starting to get myself in a better place and slowly I am becoming happier in my life. I've started to pick up my old hobbies and have been working out for the last 3 weeks. The OM's drug of choice is Percocet. I know how to tell when someone is on percocet because of past experiences with a former friend of mine. She is not allowed to take the children around the OM because I have told her that if I find out that they are around him, I will call children services on her and that she is not allowed to take them anywhere without my knowing their whereabouts. I am actually sitting in the living room at our friend's home, where she is staying, with her. She hasn't given me a dirty look or said anything in a resentful tone. She asked me to put some gas in her car because she has a couple of job interviews next week and she has no money( I withdrew all the $ from our joint account and started my own). I told her that I wouldn't give her any money because she put herself in this situation and I am not going to support her in any way. I am ready to move on with my life, I will not give up hope on her, but if she doesn't come back to me, I will not be upset about it and I will find a better woman to be with that will appreciate my hard work and my affection.
coolheadal Posted July 9, 2011 Posted July 9, 2011 Your guys are tough here on your ex. I need to try with the nut I got for wife. She's telling others in her Yahoo Chat files what she's doing and planning. I get good idea of what's she's doing now. Best to follow these ways here men. These sort of women are the worst to marry and they're too selfish for us. I wish I knew back then when I know now! I don't want to be her friend, because having a friend like that is the worst friend to have. Again she's nut to even suggest that to me. I still can't figure out why she would come and visit with me at my own house. I am glad that idea is out of her head after I didn't do anything for her past b-day. So far now on I won't answer the phone or do anything for her, which really I am not. She needs to get off her lazy duff and do things. I am not washing her dirty clothes either. She needs to do it..
BlindRage Posted July 9, 2011 Posted July 9, 2011 (edited) Your guys are tough here on your ex. I need to try with the nut I got for wife. She's telling others in her Yahoo Chat files what she's doing and planning. I get good idea of what's she's doing now. Best to follow these ways here men. These sort of women are the worst to marry and they're too selfish for us. I wish I knew back then when I know now! I don't want to be her friend, because having a friend like that is the worst friend to have. Again she's nut to even suggest that to me. I still can't figure out why she would come and visit with me at my own house. I am glad that idea is out of her head after I didn't do anything for her past b-day. So far now on I won't answer the phone or do anything for her, which really I am not. She needs to get off her lazy duff and do things. I am not washing her dirty clothes either. She needs to do it.. What? For some reason Coolhead, I can't ever understand your posts . Can you try editing them? Thanks Edited July 9, 2011 by BlindRage
Author downgrade23 Posted July 18, 2011 Author Posted July 18, 2011 Well there have been some things come up since I left with our son on vacation and got back yesterday. 1) The entire time we were gone, she hadn't been staying at our friend's house but instead, she was staying somewhere else...more than likely with the OM. Her friend told her today to come get all her stuff b/c she is no longer going to allow her to live there, and I told her friend that if she wants the rest of her clothes and other crap from my house that she is only going to be able to do it on my days off as I changed the deadbolts on the house and they are locked at all times unless I am right outside the front door. 2) I made it a point before I left that our son is going to live with me b/c I am looking out for his well being, I told her friend, since I haven't spoken with my wife in a week and a half, that she CAN see him but it will be on my terms as far as where and when because of my work hours and the fact that I don't want him around the OM which is where I know that she'll go with him since she now doesn't have a place to live. 3) I am calling the lawyer's office tomorrow morning and am going to have him draw up custody papers for our son as he has already spoken with the judge and the judge said that he could file without having to file for divorce or separation. I would file for divorce, but at this time my funds are limited. 4) Her grandmother is going to file for custody of her daughter (my stepdaughter) as she is wanting her to not be in the situation of being around the OM and his vices. She also wants to keep her in the same school that she has gone to since kindergarten to get a better education than the schools in the town where my wife is staying. 5) I am no longer speaking with her at all. I have talked to many of her family and friends and they all have known about it since this happened and they are all actually siding with me that what she is doing is wrong. 6) I have come to terms that she probably won't come back, but I am enrolling myself in MC to at least get a grasp on what some of the factors were that started the downward spiral so that I don't make the same mistakes in the future. They may call her and have her come in and it could help and bring her back, but I'm not getting my hopes up. 7) I actually had an opportunity to go out on a date last night with a girl, who is very attractive, that I went to school with years ago. I had already made plans with my buddies to go play some music so I had to decline for last night. I'm not sure if I'm ready to date yet or not...it's only been 2 months and I also believe that she would try to use it against me when it comes to custody and divorce, even though she clearly has no room to talk. I guess one of my big questions is should I just go ahead and date and not feel remorse for it, and If I do date and she finally pulls her head out of her a$$ and realizes what she's lost and wants to reconcile, what should I do in that situation?
Author downgrade23 Posted July 18, 2011 Author Posted July 18, 2011 And also with # 5, I spent 3 hours talking to her sister today. Her sister actually went through a very similar situation about 2 years ago and her and her husband have been going through MC since. She has actually given me good perspective on things from the standpoint of someone I personally know that has been through and were able to get through it. She still has trust issues with her husband b/c of the OW, but they have actually been doing better since the A than before it happened.
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