Paige1377 Posted July 8, 2011 Posted July 8, 2011 My ex and I broke up two weeks ago and I moved with our child out of state. Since then we haven't talked about the break, only about the baby. I told him I would give him space, and I am taking this time to myself. My question is we were together six years, engaged and shared a life together, I even followed him to Texas for a job promotion. We broke up bc he said he had thought about it for two months and he didn't feel he loved me anymore and hadn't for two years. I feel like he gave up and let my daughter and myself leave. Why did he ket us go? We had been fighting over my insecurities and him keeping things hidden, but after six years I didn't think he would just drop me, especially since we have a young baby together and we had our life planned out. He was going for a promotion we would move again and I thought things would get better. We broke up two years ago bc he thought I cheated but got back together in a couple months bc we missed each other and then I got pregnant. He knows I love him and want us to be together, and yet he still let me go. Since we moved I have only talked to him briefly, only about the baby bc I don't want to drive him away and don't know if space will help. A couple days after we move we talked for five minutes and I asked if he missed me and he said he wasn't sure because it had only been a week. I am trying to move on now bc I don't think we can reconcile, the ball is in his court and he knows it. It drives me crazy to know he's out probably drinking with buddies and getting laid while I am taking care of our child. My daughter is my whole world but she needs her dad. I just want to know if space will help, I refuse to text or call him unless it's about the baby bc I don't want to push him. It's interesting though when I did call him he immediately calls back. I just don't know how long to give it before I accept this, it's still very fresh and hurts daily, but he is a man who rarely shows emotions, I have seen him cry three times...so maybe he's pulled away bc he doesn't know what to say? I am afraid he's not talking to me about us bc he's trying to give me time to move on bc he doesn't feel the same way, but yet when I asked him if I should move on he said I need to make that decision. Do you think it's just too soon, that the breakup is too fresh for us to communicate about it, or that I am just in denial and all the signs point to him not wanting to be with me? I just love him so much, my family tells me yo move on, his mom says to be patient bc it does take him a while to show his emotions and he will give me a final decision. I think his mom tells me that bc she has talked to him and he may have said something about reconciling. I know nobody can tell me what he us thinking, but it's unbearable to sit here and wait. When we broke up I asked after a couple months if we could reconcile and he said he didn't know...what do you guys think? I just can't stand this hurt anymore......
Crisis Posted July 8, 2011 Posted July 8, 2011 I can't say I feel your pain, but I think I can understand. I don't know what demons he is battling and I don't know the whole situation of you'll entire relationship. It good thought that you two split and then got back together. Most people never hear of a second chance, and I kinda wish that wasn't the case. Wish maybe I could give my GF one if she decided to come back, but we have been NC for 1 week with a month break up where she ended it after 5 years, and is now it seems she is sleeping with someone else and not in a full on relationship with them. That's beside the point. At least you have something else to live for, you have a daughter and so you have love some where and someone need you. It is going to hurt that you miss him. I would say give him some time, if he is a low emotion person. Most people like that just battle with themselves and try to find an answer, but it doesn't help with life's daily distractions. I'm sure he care about you and the baby, and feels that maybe he wasn't ready and may be using this time to prepare himself to be a father. I don't want to instill hope because like you said, No one knows what he is thinking. If you know for sure that his mom is talking to him, I would listen to her. Try to stay strong and let him get his head straight. You pounding at his thoughts won't do anything but delay progress. Focus on you and the baby, cause if this doesn't work out, you two are the only thing that matters. Most break up end where one person has an out where they have someone waiting somewhere and the other is left in the dark. Most times it's the dumpee that is left in the dark, in this case it isn't. Cherish the child and yourself, cause not many of us here on LS get a second chance, or even get to walk out of a relationship with someone needing us. Good luck to you, and I'm sure we would all like to hear how this plays out. I will be praying for you and your daughter that all goes well. Stay strong!
Author Paige1377 Posted July 8, 2011 Author Posted July 8, 2011 Yeah everyday that goes by without any contact from him makes me realize he just doesn't want me which is fine at least he was honest. I will always have the love of my daughter and I will have to deal with him for the rest of my life, but it's about what is best for her. I am not sitting around moping anymore, I am going to live life and my daughter is going to reap the benefits of a happier mother!
carhill Posted July 8, 2011 Posted July 8, 2011 We broke up bc he said he had thought about it for two months and he didn't feel he loved me anymore and hadn't for two years. If I'm reading the post right, then he made a baby with you while he didn't love you. This reminds me a lot of marital rewriting to facilitate or rationalize an affair. Since you left the state with your shared child, this would IMO solidify in his mind the reality of the end of the R and his 'reasons' for it. I hope you and he have made legal custody and support arrangements. Best wishes for a positive outcome
Author Paige1377 Posted July 9, 2011 Author Posted July 9, 2011 Yep, it's over. There was an issue with some money for our daughter and I called him asking him about it and he said he was in a movie. He doesn't have money for his daughter but he does have money to go to the movies and probably take a girl on a date. I am done being sad, this makes me so angry and makes me see this really is the end. Thanks for listening guys, but this is the punch in the stomach I really needed to be able to move on.
Author Paige1377 Posted July 9, 2011 Author Posted July 9, 2011 Oh to add to that I asked for him not to use money out of the account set up for his daughter but he used it to buy stuff with his new girlfriend even though that is meant for our daughter. I know things are just going to get worse, but I am keeping my head up hi. What's sick is he specifically used that account bc he knew I would check it and know he was out with someone else. Six years and a child together and he tries to play me like that. I don't need that kind of drama in my life.....my daughter and I haven't even been moved out for a week and a half and he's taking vacations with some girl he probably was messing around with before we broke up. Good riddance I think!
TheHurtProcess Posted July 9, 2011 Posted July 9, 2011 I totally understand and feel your pain. I have a five year old son. His mother and I broke up a good 4-5 years ago. Though her and I aren't in love anymore, I went through hell after I lost my family. It was much worse than the pain I'm going through now as a result of my most previous breakup with the most previous ex-gf. The pain from losing a family is 10x greater than that of just loosing a gf that you don't ever have to speak to again. There was no such thing as NC while going through that breakup. It took much longer to get over her as a result of not having the space needed to heal. But, I did it for my son and today, I don't regret it because my relationship with him has flourished. We actually made an effort to come to agreements as far as our son is concerned. We never had to actually see a judge because we came to such agreements. If the two of you can do the same, the outcome will be better for your daughter. Your best bet at this point is to just take him to court if he doesn't want to be an adult about the situation and reach such agreements. You will get full custody at this point and he will have to pay child support. Especially if he isn't attempting to be a presence in her life. It's your call. I wish you the best. But it sounds to me as if it's over. He's moving on and I wouldn't expect that he's coming back. Find yourself a decent man that knows how to take care of his family. Then settle down with him if you're looking for a commitment. I'm in the same boat. I'm looking for a nice, responsible woman to settle down with. My ex was a mere kid, a girl with no responsibilities in the world. You're going to realize the same about your ex. He's a boy. He sounds as if he has a lot of maturing/growing up to do. Leave him be.
meroyce26 Posted July 10, 2011 Posted July 10, 2011 Hi, I Discover how I got my ex back and never have to worry about relationship problems ever again: http://www.payzeno.com/a/nwerebem/19 Click here! It helped save many relationship.
Ally-65 Posted July 10, 2011 Posted July 10, 2011 Hi, I Discover how I got my ex back and never have to worry about relationship problems ever again: http://www.payzeno.com/a/nwerebem/19 Click here! It helped save many relationship. Why do you advertise this?? Isn't it a lot of ....? We know it will just tell us what we already know. If an ex wanted to come back, they would!!
stillafool Posted July 10, 2011 Posted July 10, 2011 Since you left the state with your shared child, this would IMO solidify in his mind the reality of the end of the R and his 'reasons' for it. I hope you and he have made legal custody and support arrangements. Best wishes for a positive outcome Yeah this is what I'm thinking. I think your being away from him has actually made it easier for him to move on. If you were still around where he could see his daughter and you together it might pull at his heart strings but with you out of site, it definitely makes it easier. Sorry.
Author Paige1377 Posted July 11, 2011 Author Posted July 11, 2011 I am now not worried about him necessarily wanting me, I am worried he doesn't want his daughter. He let us leave without a custody agreement, hasn't tried to see her and hadn't asked about her either. I don't know for sure if there is another woman, just a hunch, but I am worried he let us leave bc he wants a new life without having us both in it. He was trying for a promotion and I added stress to him and so did the baby. He said forever that he loved his daughter and when I left to visit family in Iowa, he asked her not to forget him. The thing is my family in Iowa he hates, up until the point of where he let us leave he wouldn't even let my family meet her, but now he willingly let her go see them after ten months where he wouldn't? I just wonder what made him snap. Was it the woman he had been texting non stop, or did he just feel like he didn't have what it takes to be a father? Was he more focused on his career than having her around? If he doesn't want her as part of his life, I respect that bc it's his choice, but what does it mean? Did he let us leave bc he wanted to focus on his promotion and be single for a while to play the field? Did he let us go bc he wanted to have zero distractions so when he does get promoted he will ask for us back? That's the only thing I don't get....I think personally after he gets promoted it will be a couple months and he will want his daughter back and try to sweet talk me back. But, It hurts me so much to know that he may not want her. What do you think?
Silivren Posted July 11, 2011 Posted July 11, 2011 Very sorry to hear you are going through this. I know it's very painful to split with someone whom you love very much - especially when you have a child together. What you really need to do now is to focus on you and your daughter. He has left you - so he definitely doesn't want to be with you right now. Don't wait around for him. Take care of yourself. Give yourself time to grieve - but be strong because your daughter needs you right now. Don't worry about whether he wants her or not right now. Being a parent affects men differently than it affects women sometimes. My daughter's father took a good 2 years before he really became involved in her life and realized what he lost with me. By then it was too late and I had moved on. Make sure you get custody and child support arrangements and continue with what you are doing - don't discuss the relationship just call him only when it's regarding your daughter. Don't let him get away with walking away and leaving all the responsibility to you. He fathered a child with you. He needs to realize that he can't be a single guy. It's going to be hard for you. It hurt like hell knowing that I had a newborn baby and my boyfriend had already moved on to someone else. But I surrounded myself with friends, kept myself busy so I couldn't worry about him - and I got over him. He is very much a part of his 4 year old daughter's life and my current bf is also a great step-dad to her as well. Good luck and be strong! You can do it.
Author Paige1377 Posted July 12, 2011 Author Posted July 12, 2011 So there was an update. My ex and I have had limited contact since we split two and a half weeks ago...only about out daughter. Today, after five days of no talking he called me. I thought the conversation was going to be awkward but we actually talked for about 35 minutes. It wasn't a conversation where it felt forced, it sounded like he was happy to talk to me. We discussed our daughter, discussed each other and what we had been doing. I brought up the money he used and he told me that he went out of town with his buddy, and I should have just asked him, instead of assuming. We discussed his possibly getting a job promotion that would bring him closer to his daughter, and we discussed me moving closer to him so he could see her more often. I told him I knew it was soon, but how he felt about us reconciling, and he said he didn't know, that it was still very soon so I backed off and let him know if he needed space I respect it. What's funny is he said he wanted to come visit his daughter and maybe take her to visit his family bc they miss her, he got choked up talking about himself and his family missing her. I said I wasn't comfortable yet with him taking her out of state bc without a custody agreement, he wouldn't have to give her back. We both choked up bc I said she was my whole world and he said she was his as well. He said if we would get back together I would need to trust him that he wouldn't do something like that and take my daughter from me. The convo was pleasant though, not angry and bitter and filled with hate like it was two and a half weeks ago. He told me information about what he was doing that I didn't even pry about, told me he wasn't in a relationship and his main concern right now was to be closer to his daughter, that dating was the last thing on his mind. I told him I wouldn't wait for him and he said he didn't ask me too, but he knew I was basically telling him how much I wanted our family. He did explain why he was distant, it was hard for him to talk to me bc he knew my daughter was with me and he missed her. He was waiting on a promotion for work, but called me a couple minutes after I ended the call and let me know he didn't get the job. I felt so sorry for him and expressed it. He said he was going to go up to work and make some calls to see if he could find something else closer. After the convo, I made a decision. I knew he had called bc he wanted to talk, the start of the convo was about something he got in the mail for me, so it sounded like he was looking for a way to talk and I had already told him what to do when he got that piece of mail. The decision I made was while he is trying to find jobs closer to his daughter, I am going to stay out where I am and focus on myself and her, leave the idea of him and I, however live my life. Like if someone asks me out, why not, I am single and I do need to decide if my ex is what I want. I decided to stop moping around and obsessing...and focus on being happy for myself and my child.... We also got e money situation for her cleared up and came to an agreement, which was needed. Since he let me take her, I decided I would not move closer to him unless it first proves he will be around his daughter. He made the choice selfishly to ket us go, so if he wants me or her he has to prove he cares, and I think if he comes to visit it will let him see his daughter and maybe give us e opportunity to talk after a couple more weeks and see how we feel. Even if I get a stronger friendship for our daughter, I will take it even though I love him and want our family. So, opinions....I know he misses his daughter and of course wants her, but what about me? Why did he say to me if we get back together you need to learn and trust me? Maybe I am looking too much into it, but I think time will tell. If he calls more and comes and sees her that will tell, but for now I am going to live my life to the max for my daughter and I.
Eddie Edirol Posted July 12, 2011 Posted July 12, 2011 Space wont bring him back if he knows you want to get back together. You have to make him work harder than that for you. Usually when someone wants space, its because they have no desire to see you, because of something you did that turned him off. Has nothing to do with the job. Whatever that is, it has to be fixed. if its your insecurities, that has to be fixed before you start again with him. otherwise you'll just become more insecure because you'll be afraid he will leave you again and again.
Author Paige1377 Posted July 12, 2011 Author Posted July 12, 2011 When we broke up and I left I specifically did it where I went as far away from him as possible....he even mentioned today that he didn't like the fact I ran away....bc that's what I did, I was hurt and I needed support from my family to be able to cope with how much it hurt. I needed to not see him for a little bit so I could clear my head...he said he had wished I had stayed closer, but with the split I had manifested in my head that he let my daughter and I leave bc of a another woman, which isn't the case at all, just me on one of my theories....I analyze stuff too much....anyway, he wanted space bc of the fighting and his feelings, I ran bc that hurt me and that's where it is at. It was immature to do, however I am the type of person when I give my love to someone, it's all or nothing and plus I had a child with him. I hadn't planned to have children but it felt right with him and I knew he would be a good dad. Yes it was wrong for me to move his daughter so far away, kind of selfish but him letting us go bc he didn't want to fight, just focus on his priorities for a while seemed pretty selfish to me. Two selfishs don't make a right when a child is involved, however I had nowhere else to go and my family gave me open arms. I don't know what the future holds, I am hopeful for us to work things out, and you are right, he's going to have to work for it. If he finds with time he wants my daughter and I I won't just move somewhere close to him so he can have what he wants at that moment. I will stay out, expect him to work by coming up, seeing us making the effort before I would consider anything with him. And yes I do have insecurities and that's one of the things I am working on, bc it did hurt the relationship, always worried when he will leave. He is the only man I have ever done that with, and I think it's bc of how much I do love Jim and how muc love I have given him. I have been working out, losing weight and am feeling better about myself bc honestly when I am healthier mind body and spirit my insecurities go away, bc I don't feel someone would leave me and I am happier when I am happy with me. I don't know, it was just one phone call, and I think rebuilding this would take a while, on both parts. Yes, it's way easier to start with someone new, however go forward a couple years and you will still have just as many problems if not worse. I do worry though that if enough time passes we will grow apart enough where we start seeing other people, but maybe time will show that is for the best. What do you think?
Author Paige1377 Posted July 14, 2011 Author Posted July 14, 2011 So this is the last update I have over my ex and I. In the beginning I was all for us reconciling, however after today that is never gonna happen. My ex had been texting a woman nonstop before we broke up, when I asked him to stop he didn't. A few days after we left I saw he still was so I took him off of my account so I wouldn't have to know. Now, three days ago he fed me this bull crap of how his main concern was being closer to his daughter and if we were to get back together I would need to trust him, like he was giving me hope. Now today, I knew something was up, so yeah I looked into his email account and that girl he bad been texting sent him a picture of herself. Now, yes I overreacted, I was pissed bc he made it seem like to me that he was trying to work it out with us, and I find out he is probably still texting her and other stuff. Now, we aren't together, but the same day he talked to me and expressed himself to me he received that picture of her and I know he had to give er the address. I called him, asked him if she was the reason he kicked us out and he said he's not dating anyone and he's focusing on a lot of things right now and I didn't know what that picture means. I know he's lying, know she was a big part of it but he doesn't want to tell me bc he knows I won't move his daughter closer to him. So he ended the call with I will talk to you later. He has got something coming, I am done answering his calls, texts the bastard can email me now over our daughter. He was playing me, keeping me on the back burner while he has his fun and I am saying this now, I gave him a child, took care of his ass for six years and I am not going to be played like that. He's a very controlling person so I know in a couple months he will come back after he has his fun bc he likes being taken care of and this is his routine. He is going yo miss his daughter too much and tell me what I want to hear.I know now that if/when he does this I will tell him hell no! I don't care how much I wanted my family, he knew I was sensitive about her, knew I was sensitive about him being involved with girls, and he was feeding me crap. I am glad this happened, I mean we have been out of there two and a half weeks and he had her lined up before and I knew it and he denied it when we were together. It makes me see how long he really didn't care. I don't care if she's a rebound or his girlfriend or whatever, all I know is she can take care of him. I am cutting him off completely, no more me giving him anything, anymore emotions, anymore listening to him tell me about his life, it's only about the baby. He doesn't care about me, obviously doesn't love me. This gives me the ability to be stronger for my daughter. I was afraid to be a single mom but I want to do it if it means I don't have to have him pull something shady like that on his daughter. He still put us on a bus with no money, we left without any possessions and he has only asked once about his daughter in two weeks. I don't care if I love him, that feeling will fade with time. This was a blessing in disguise, he controlled me for years, would have done the same to my daughter. Since I have her I know better, she needs a happy home, not a cheating daddy who lies and lies and lies. Yes I am angry and bitter, but he did let us leave and that's one thing I can thank him for. Well thanks for your responses, I am sorry to those reading this post looking for an answer. I will tell you this, if you have a cut reaction, it's probably right. Also, if you guys break up and they need space that usually means the want to screw someone else and you can save yourself the heartaches unlike I did. Don't wish the, back, don't pray to god, the pain will fade, just realize they don't want you and even if you do love them, they probably will never know how to love you back the same way. Move on,date,go out with friends, don't let them control you by their space crap. All I know is this man pushed a baby and his wife out for some girl, and thats wrong and unforgivable. Peace out
Sugarkane Posted July 14, 2011 Posted July 14, 2011 If space brought someone back, then I would hear from every ex from the past. I've got 2 exes that dumped me out of the blue and never contacted me ever again. I have no idea whats happened to them at all.
Recommended Posts