LifeIssues Posted July 8, 2011 Posted July 8, 2011 Before I get into it, I'll give some details on how my family life is. I have an 'autistic' brother who also has ADHD he is 11 years old. My mother stays home to take care of him, as he is a very difficult child. My father is the only one in the family who works, he is the sole provider for our household. My mother is taking to break down emotionally, she has a hard time with my brother. Although I mentioned he has autism, the only real part of it that he has is a speech problem, otherwise he looks and can function normally if he wishes. The thing is he is spiteful, and purposely does things with malintent. He understands when he is doing something wrong, yet does things to purposely get a rise out of us. Some of the things that we have to deal with with him - Hurting our household animals, being rough - Flooding the house with the sink/bath - Purposely breaking dishes (we no longer buy glass cups..) - Peeing in front of the bathroom door on purpose when someone is in there. - Breaking any nice glass objects or ornamental in the house. (We don't buy anymore) - Pinching, pushing us to get a rise out of us. The list goes on, but I believe you see what we have to deal with everyday. It has gotten to the point where my mother is having an emotional breakdown. She cries everyday, sometimes she'll cry at the smallest things. She will often shout about how she can't take this life anymore, that she wants her freedom back. If she knew he would be like this she wouldn't have had him, etc. By the time my father gets back from work, my mother is over the top, she often picks fights with him over little things. He works long shifts and wants to come home to relax, my mother will insist that he takes my brother out every night for a drive. Today my mother threw a tangent because she found out that there were maggots in our outdoor garbage bins. My father tried to explain how it will be cleaned tomorrow when they pick it up, and then he will water it down. She got very angry, screamed yelled, slammed doors and went upstairs because she didn't get her way about the issue. She claimed that she's tired of living in garbage and cleaning up our house everyday because everyday something new is destroyed. My father seems to think that she has some mental issues going on, whilst I try to explain to him that she is having an emotional crisis. On-top of it all, she is having self esteem issues, she refuses to take pictures of herself as she is unhappy (believes shes getting old and wrinkled), and goes on everyday about how she is getting fat. My mother had told me that she feels that she's losing herself, that she feels as if she gets nothing out of life, and that she lives so that she can give everything to the kids. She essentially called me a leech. She also tends to use the computer as an escape. She also feels as if her spirituality has been compromised due to our living situation as well. All this stress is taking a toll on her and my fathers appearance, my mother is getting frown lines, and my father is losing most his hair. I just don't know what to do anymore. I don't want to get into their business as I'm normally shunned and used as a scapegoat if I were to try. Anything that can be done, input, anything?
heartbreaker Posted July 8, 2011 Posted July 8, 2011 I feel so sorry that you have to be a witness to all this. If I could just reach out to you and make your pain go away... Your father is a very good man to put up with all this too, I think you and your father should talk and give each other a much needed love and support to help. Your mom is not going crazy, you're right she is going through a rough time because she is overwhelmed with all the responsibilities she has to face. I don't know what your parents have going on but they too should be able to talk and give each other love and support. I truly hope things get under control before it's too late. Your brother needs to go to a school or a counselor. He has special needs and you can't manage him without professional help. Order must be imposed in your house and I think your father can start this and put things in it's proper place. All the love for you... if your a person of faith, pray! It'll do you so much good.
Author LifeIssues Posted July 8, 2011 Author Posted July 8, 2011 Thank you. My brother is already in school (summer break now) he goes to special school. Thing is he is with kids who were worse than him, and he has picked up on their actions, and mimics them making things harder for us. before he was in that school we had less problems. He cannot go into normal school though, so we are at a dead end. The school has a therapist/counseller, but that is about it. We cannot afford anything extra. We are esentally just getting by, on minimum wage.
Tayla Posted July 8, 2011 Posted July 8, 2011 To give some background, my daughter in law is a teacher for special needs students. The schools have available thru Federal Funding, testing programs. If what you say is true that he is not being categorized correctly, the test would see thru his mimicry. Get him re-tested. As for your Mom, Is she at all willing to accept help from a support group ? Thru churchs and local United way programs, they have people who willingly step in and take some of the pressure off the caretakers duties. Even having a helping hand to be there to aide in the childs behavior adjustment? I personally think you are a very wise and good hearted sibling to be objective and see all sides. I wish you much strength as your family works to resolve these matters you wrote of.
Afishwithabike Posted July 8, 2011 Posted July 8, 2011 Are you in the USA? In many states, there are respite programs for caregivers of children with special needs. Usually these programs are located in some division of the state's Department of Health. Your mother would benefit from some time off and respite care would help with that.
Eve Posted July 8, 2011 Posted July 8, 2011 Look into respite care. There are numerous parenting courses that can provide active tools to deal with the behaviour also. If in the UK, the main one is called 1,2,3 Magic. We have many referral pathways here for specialist support also but I am not sure what the pathways are in the US so will have to let other posters lead on that. The thing with ADHD is that if it wasn't for the behavoural aspect many of those children would be deemed gifted. They can be pretty smart cookies but tend to lend their plans to deviousness.. Hope it all works out, eventually. I feel sorry for Mum and hope she gets more help with this. Take care, Eve x
Dooda Posted July 8, 2011 Posted July 8, 2011 (edited) Whether or not your mom is going through a hard time does not mean she has the right to mistreat those around her. Your judgement of your little brother seems to be tainted by how much trouble he is causing your family. No kid is inherently evil, or has malintent or is spiteful. It sounds like your mother is, understandably, fed up, and blaming her inability to cope with all of this on your son being 'evil' and 'spiteful'... Your brother has autism. That's a big problem. Your mother needs help, and your father is right. Her calling you a leech and putting all of that guilt on you is not necessary. She needs to seek help right now, and if need be, find a way for getting help in better learning how to deal with your little brother. Remember, kids are very rarely truly spiteful or mean... They just do things because they feel like doing it, and some are more troublesome and free-thinking than others. The key is to find the right way to deal with every child in a different way. Perhaps you should rethink how you think of your little brother. I have a feeling a lot of negativity is being brought onto him. Good luck. Edited July 8, 2011 by Dooda
DaisyLeigh Posted July 8, 2011 Posted July 8, 2011 I am the mother of a child who has Autism, and let me tell you that some days, it can be hell on Earth. I love my son, don't get me wrong, and would not trade him for anything, but unless you are THERE, you really cannot understand. People say mean things about your child and blame your parenting and then there are the idiots who claim that Autism is not real, blah blah. And yes, even a child can be spiteful and do things on purpose. No one wants to babysit them and you have a rather lonely existence. Going out as a couple, alone? Forget it. You have to plan every family outing and be ready to leave in a moment, if needed. Your other kids suffer because of the one child and his problems, but it often cannot be helped. Sure she shouldn't take it out on others, but then, when is HER relaxation after dealing with the child all day? The father may be the one working outside of the home, but EVERYONE needs a time to relax. I know the frustration of never getting a break. I was once the SAHM and now my husband is the SAHD and he finally "gets" it. I come home and give him a break, if he needs it. Being the sole provider does not excuse one from family obligations, especially in this case. My suggestion is for Dad to help Mom get help and help for the entire family. Check into social services, any local Autism support groups, and respite care. The whole family is going to have to pitch in and help out. If something is not done soon, I fear that your mom will end up physically ill or suicidal. I also suggest locking cupboards, and rehoming the animals (LAST resort) for their safety, as well as giving consequences for when he acts out.
Author LifeIssues Posted July 8, 2011 Author Posted July 8, 2011 Thank you for all of your thoughtful responses, they are much apppreciated! My mother doesn't like to share her life with anyone, she doesn't like people to know what goes behind the scenes. Although she hates to admit it, image is very important to her. My brother sees his school counseller once a month I believe, but due to the amount of children in the school, there isn't much time. We also used to have someone come by each month to evaluate him. (Not anymore) We are in Canada, so I'm unsure about the programs that are offered here, @Dooda While my judgement in this post does seem rather negative, I was honestly just trying to get out the frustrations of everyday life. Not only does he do said actions, but everyday he does scream noises, there isn't a moment of silence in our home. I wish that I could have a close sibling relationship, I have always wanted one, but due to how everything is, it's nearly impossible to form an emotional bond as normal siblings have. Sometimes it would be nice to have the smallest bit of normacy. The problem is that normally he is at school, so my mom usually has some peace to herself. Having sometime to herself usually makes her more patient with him. Now that he is home for the summer, she has no time to work on herself leaving her stressed and unhappy. I don't think that he is spiteful inside, I just feel that his actions are that way. He knows what he is doing, he will laugh about it. I just wish that things could be easier. @DaisyLeigh Thanks for taking the time to reply! That is one of the issues, my mother feels locked up, she is unable to go out unless it fits to his schedule, she desprately wants some freedom. We can't do family vacations because it's difficult, and we often get negative looks from strangers who don't understand. I understand that she is in a bad place right now emotionally, so I do not take what she says to me seriously. I try and brush it off, give her space, and then come back when she is cooled down. I truly hate seeing my family stressed like this, I'm afraid it will do no good to their health. My mother refuses to lock cupboards and the fidge because she feels it would be turning our life more into a jail cell. She wants some normacy in our lives. As for the animals, the cat is mostly outdoor, and the rabbit is being moved into my bedroom for the time being. We have a large dog, but he doesn't bother with the dog often.
Author LifeIssues Posted July 8, 2011 Author Posted July 8, 2011 Also recently (month or two) ago mom suffered from breathing problems related to her asthma. She was a smoker for a good 20+ years, smoking combined with her asthma gave her numerous issues. She was told to quit smoking or she would have to wear an oxygen tank for the rest of her life. She was in the hospital for a week or so. She still has asthma, but without the smoking her body is healthier. She has a pump to take everyday. I'm adding this in because I fear that her stress may contribute to her health issues.
Author LifeIssues Posted July 8, 2011 Author Posted July 8, 2011 Just an update, mother is being extremely miserable today. As bad as it sounds it can be related to her end of PMS (she has always had mood swings at this time.) She's been going off at us since this morning. She only had one smile today, which was when I fell down the stairs. After that, she's been negative, telling me how she's going to not have anymore emotions, live like a robot because she is so unhappy of living the way she is. She's been negatively talking to my brother telling him that he can continue to do stupid things, act stupid. I tried to talk to her about support groups, counselling or other alternatives, she argued that these things need money, and money is another thing that we don't have. *sigh* Overall, today is a bad day. Hope things start looking up for us soon.
Afishwithabike Posted July 8, 2011 Posted July 8, 2011 LifeIssues - I think you need to call the local health department or its Canadian equivalent to find out what programs they have for respite care and support. Ideally one of your parents should be doing this, but seeing as how they are so overwhelmed, understandably so, at this point, you have to do this (if you're willing) for them. Your mother sounds like she's desperately at her breaking point. I did a cursory look online and there are respite programs in Canada. I don't know where you're located, but here's the link to the autism society in Canada. Perhaps you already have the link. Anyway, it's a good idea to touch base with them to see what sources of support they have or know about. Some of these programs are free. http://www.autismsocietycanada.ca/index.php?option=com_sobi2&sobi2Task=sobi2Details&catid=1520&sobi2Id=12351&Itemid=12&lang=en You're a good daughter and sister. It can't be easy be the sibling of a child with such special needs.
DaisyLeigh Posted July 8, 2011 Posted July 8, 2011 Thank you for all of your thoughtful responses, they are much apppreciated! My mother doesn't like to share her life with anyone, she doesn't like people to know what goes behind the scenes. Although she hates to admit it, image is very important to her. My brother sees his school counseller once a month I believe, but due to the amount of children in the school, there isn't much time. We also used to have someone come by each month to evaluate him. (Not anymore) We are in Canada, so I'm unsure about the programs that are offered here, @Dooda While my judgement in this post does seem rather negative, I was honestly just trying to get out the frustrations of everyday life. Not only does he do said actions, but everyday he does scream noises, there isn't a moment of silence in our home. I wish that I could have a close sibling relationship, I have always wanted one, but due to how everything is, it's nearly impossible to form an emotional bond as normal siblings have. Sometimes it would be nice to have the smallest bit of normacy. The problem is that normally he is at school, so my mom usually has some peace to herself. Having sometime to herself usually makes her more patient with him. Now that he is home for the summer, she has no time to work on herself leaving her stressed and unhappy. I don't think that he is spiteful inside, I just feel that his actions are that way. He knows what he is doing, he will laugh about it. I just wish that things could be easier. @DaisyLeigh Thanks for taking the time to reply! That is one of the issues, my mother feels locked up, she is unable to go out unless it fits to his schedule, she desprately wants some freedom. We can't do family vacations because it's difficult, and we often get negative looks from strangers who don't understand. I understand that she is in a bad place right now emotionally, so I do not take what she says to me seriously. I try and brush it off, give her space, and then come back when she is cooled down. I truly hate seeing my family stressed like this, I'm afraid it will do no good to their health. My mother refuses to lock cupboards and the fidge because she feels it would be turning our life more into a jail cell. She wants some normacy in our lives. As for the animals, the cat is mostly outdoor, and the rabbit is being moved into my bedroom for the time being. We have a large dog, but he doesn't bother with the dog often. We locked our fridge and cupboards when our son started eating everything he could get his hands on and was making himself sick. It worked wonders for us. He does not do that now and we no longer have locks. Good for you protecting the rabbit. Perhaps you can lock your bedroom to keep Brother out, at least for now. I understand her point about wanting normalcy. Lord knows I do. But she is going to have to face that your lives are not, nor will they ever be "normal" in the way other peoples' lives may be normal. She needs to let people help. I really wish I could speak to her, to let her know that I get it.
Author LifeIssues Posted July 8, 2011 Author Posted July 8, 2011 Thanks for the link Afishwithabike, I will look into it! I appreciate all the replies. @DaisyLeigh My brother eats everything in sight too, it's at the point where he's a tad chubby. My family assumes it's just that he has a lot of hunger. I didn't think anyone else is the same. We can't have any icecreams or high sugars in the house otherwise he'll never go to sleep. We do keep a mini fridge in the garage though, we keep things that we don't want him to get to in there. My family generally decided to just leave things that he can take in the cupboard. Though my father complains as it's generally over 300$ a week for groceries as he eats so much. I wanted her to find a supprt group or to talk to others in the same situation. She rather avoid it like the plague. She is however on some other board (unsure of the name) for her spirituality/beliefs. I think she uses it as an outlet and enjoys talking to people there. She doesn't talk about our home life though. I wanted to try and uplift her mood today, but I as esentially thrown under the bus. I don't bother at her when she's in these moods as she brings me down with her. I wish she would be willing to talk to others too. He never used to scream noises at the top of his lungs, ever since he started going to school he's picked up what the other children do. It's difficult as they have a lot of students, so it's hard to class them accordingly.
spiderowl Posted July 10, 2011 Posted July 10, 2011 (edited) Just wondered why your mother doesn't want to share this with anyone? I can really sympathise too. I have a child with Asperger's. It's not the same as full autism but my child has so many quirks and rules that he tries to impose on me that it puts a lot of stress on me. I often don't share with others because I find they don't understand. People do not understand that it's a very different matter dealing with someone like this every day than it is to do it on an occasional basis or to think one might find it easy if in that situation. There are a lot of arrogant people out there who think a bit of discipline would resolve things and they basically don't have a clue. I can understand your mother wanting to treat him normally and to have some normalcy in the house. It's a desire not to have the autistic person take over. All the time you are having to resist their rules and unpredictable behaviour and their attempts to control everything. Autistic people are very controlling! Also, if your mother is not expecting your brother to be in a special home when he's older, she'll be mindful that he will need to understand what normal people do and learn how to behave to get by. It is a worry for parents and an enormous struggle. I've found that autism organisations are not there for the carer particularly but for the child. While that might seem well and good, the child is often leading quite a good life in comparison to the carer who is being 'emotionally battered' all the time. When I consulted a local charity, they were kind of understanding but mostly in terms of trying to get me to see how my child saw things, as if that would make it better for me. I knew how my child was seeing things; the problem was coping with it and not being ruled by it all the time. I have talked to a counsellor recently and found that helpful. The counsellor is not part of an autism charity but is a general, person-centred counsellor. Maybe your mother could access such help through her local health authority or something, though if your area is anything like mine, the main support for those who are suffering emotional distress is CBT. While CBT has its place for some, it involved filling in charts, keeping timetables of activities and thoughts, and I did not want yet more work on top of all my existing workload for what I felt were very real problems that other people weren't facing. I can understand your mother if she feels alone in this. Few people do face this. I would recommend counselling as it would give your mother a space for herself to talk about her stresses with someone in confidence. Sometimes there are local organisations who offer counselling free or inexpensively. May be worth looking into. I feel very sorry for you and your mum as this is so hard on you all. You sound incredibly mature and thoughtful, considering that this is impacting on your life quite badly too. I hope your family does find some help and that the tension is reduced for you. Edited July 10, 2011 by spiderowl
Recommended Posts