Bittersweet_Love Posted July 8, 2011 Posted July 8, 2011 (edited) This forum is so great for getting a bunch of opinions when you don't know where else to turn. Thank you in advance. My issue: For the last three months I have been talking to a guy from my hometown. My parents friend introduced us and we have communicated on the phone about once a week or so. He's very successful, Pakistani guy who has a lot of qualities that I liked in a potential mate. I also liked the fact that he was more liberal than most Pakistani men. He drinks on occassion and I told him that I do as well. Last week I went back home and we got a chance to meet. It was exciting for both of us. We met a total of three times over the week I was there and each time was pretty fun though our dates never lasted for more than two hours. I found it a little strange that between the times we met he would never call or text though. He seemed to be "fitting me into" his busy schedule but I felt like he could have made more of an effort. I felt like if he really liked me he would make more of a attempt to text me or see me more but I took it as a good sign when he kept making dates. On our last date, he invited me to a posh restaurant. When I arrived I was kinda miffed that he was there with several friends. He told me his friends would be "leaving soon" and I made the most of it by having fun. He ordered a glass of wine and I did as well. We had fun and he made the first physical move by putting his arm around me. His friends ended up staying and after a few hours we went to another place. I ordered a beer there and so did he. He was attentive and nice and made it obvious he liked me ...we hugged goodnight and that was that. That was 6 days ago. I haven't heard from him since. The next day the lady who initially set us up asked me how the date went. She asked if I had drank with him and I said yes...she said that was a HUGE mistake and that "never trust a Pakistani man who says he doesn't mind you drinking because they never want their potential wives to drink" I would hate to think that he has such a double standard. I wasn't even drunk and was on my best behavior the entire night. But, now I am left with regret that I even took a sip. I know this sounds crazy but cultural issues are something I seem to deal with a lot. I guess I am just sad. I shouldn't be and will get over this in time but I hate the constant wondering of "what did I do wrong here" Edited July 8, 2011 by Bittersweet_Love
Afishwithabike Posted July 8, 2011 Posted July 8, 2011 The matchmaker is speculating as to why this man didn't contact you. Maybe she's right. Maybe she's wrong. Maybe he didn't contact you for some other reason wholly unconnected with the drink or two you had. Did he say he would be in touch? Would you get in touch or do you consider that to be too forward? I don't think you did anything wrong. You were yourself. I'm of the philosophy that it's better to be disliked for who I am than to be liked for something I'm not.
Author Bittersweet_Love Posted July 8, 2011 Author Posted July 8, 2011 Thank you for responding. He never said anything about contacting but I assumed he would. He was very sweet and loving and touchy-feely that night and you are right, it may have had nothing to do with the drinknig at all but it still makes me feel like perhaps I should have not even had a sip. I just wish he would have the decency to let me know that he didnt' want to continue this instead of disappearing on me and letting me wonder every second what went wrong. I keep checking my phone and thinking back to the last night wondering what happened. I can barely even sleep thinking about stuff all the time.
frenchiefun Posted July 9, 2011 Posted July 9, 2011 Just be yourself, don't try to change to fit in with someone else's expectations. Just because he mightn't like it is no reason to not drink. If things went further with this guy, you are letting yourself in for a whole world of hurt if you let him control what you do. Text him yourself. Dont wait for him to make contact. Find out why he hasnt contacted you, then if you are not happy with the response, then give him the flick. Don't waste any sleep over this one.
Valid Sintax Posted July 9, 2011 Posted July 9, 2011 Just be yourself, don't try to change to fit in with someone else's expectations. Just because he mightn't like it is no reason to not drink. If things went further with this guy, you are letting yourself in for a whole world of hurt if you let him control what you do. Text him yourself. Dont wait for him to make contact. Find out why he hasnt contacted you, then if you are not happy with the response, then give him the flick. Don't waste any sleep over this one. I agree with frenchie. Do you really want a guy that you can't drink with in public? If he doesn't like you as you are, then maybe should find someone who does. This would especially be the case because he gave no indication that he'd rather not have you drink. Finally, if this actually is an issue, and you don't yet know that it is, then who's to say what other cultural problems will come in the way between you two? It could be that he's not very familiar with American dating customs and you may need to do things, like initiate contact, that show him what dating an American girl is like.
bluenightowl Posted July 9, 2011 Posted July 9, 2011 Thank you for responding. He never said anything about contacting but I assumed he would. He was very sweet and loving and touchy-feely that night and you are right, it may have had nothing to do with the drinknig at all but it still makes me feel like perhaps I should have not even had a sip. I just wish he would have the decency to let me know that he didnt' want to continue this instead of disappearing on me and letting me wonder every second what went wrong. I keep checking my phone and thinking back to the last night wondering what happened. I can barely even sleep thinking about stuff all the time. I've been there as well. I think we all totally totally don't like the silent treatment. It is a well known way to invoke hurt. But think about this, he's not the guy you thought he was at the time. Actually, seems like a Jerk to me, not some sweet loving guy. You have no reason to blame yourself for anything. Chin up and let this guy go from your mind is my advice. You will do well in the future.
Author Bittersweet_Love Posted July 9, 2011 Author Posted July 9, 2011 Thank you guys for all the advice. Still no word from him. A part of me really really wants to send him a text just asking "what's up" but another part of me knows that if he really wanted to contact me he would. Also this guy has been in the United States for a long time and has dated several girls here so I think he knows what he is doing---just decided for one reason or another to not contact me. The disappearing completely is just wrong. I know it happens often with men AND women but, I find it so unfair to just disappear. I kinda want to write him an email asking why to get some closure but not sure it's even worth it
Jason Todd Posted July 9, 2011 Posted July 9, 2011 Go ahead and contact him. Maybe he's just busy. If he doesn't contact you within the next few days then he's probably not really interested....
Author Bittersweet_Love Posted July 9, 2011 Author Posted July 9, 2011 Thanks Jason...I think you are right..I am going to wait till after the weekend and if I don't hear from him then I'll just shoot one simple text... I still think if he wanted to make an effort he would have though. Actions speak so much louder than words.
D-Lish Posted July 9, 2011 Posted July 9, 2011 Where do the two of you live? Don't you dare regret having a glass of wine because you think you blew it with this guy for doing so. If this was a deal breaker for him, imagine the first time you decided to have an opinion of your own. Be who you are, celebrate who you are. You shouldn't have to fit into someone else's ideal- you should find a fit with a partner that compliments you and accepts you for who you are. Do you really want to live the rest of your life conforming to your husband's rules, or do you want to enjoy a compatible relationship with someone you can grow with? This guy isn't your soulmate. You can do better.
Author Bittersweet_Love Posted July 9, 2011 Author Posted July 9, 2011 Thank you D-Lish..you are totally 100% right. I had one glass of wine, a beer, was totally myself and normal and kind to him. I didn't do anything dumb, flirt with anyone or make any dumb moves. I feel a little better just knowing that I was the normal kind person I am and just wanted things to work. He lives in Minnesota and I live in Oregon. My family is in Minnesota and I was going to visit and was looking forward to spending lots of quality time getting to know him.
Author Bittersweet_Love Posted July 12, 2011 Author Posted July 12, 2011 Well still no word from him and it's been exactly a week since I came back from my trip. I am moving on but wow do I want to write him a scathing email at least letting him know how cowardly it was to not even give me some closure or let me know what happened. UGH
utterer of lies Posted July 12, 2011 Posted July 12, 2011 Well still no word from him and it's been exactly a week since I came back from my trip. I am moving on but wow do I want to write him a scathing email at least letting him know how cowardly it was to not even give me some closure or let me know what happened. UGH Don't. Just be happy you are free to find a guy who will accept you as a person with equal rights.
Feelsgoodman Posted July 12, 2011 Posted July 12, 2011 The next day the lady who initially set us up asked me how the date went. She asked if I had drank with him and I said yes...she said that was a HUGE mistake and that "never trust a Pakistani man who says he doesn't mind you drinking because they never want their potential wives to drink" This is nonsense because he doesn't see you as a potential wife anyway. You are just a piece of white meat to have some fun with. When it comes to marriage, his parents will force him to marry a Pakistani girl from a tribe that is aligned with his ancestral clan.
Afishwithabike Posted July 12, 2011 Posted July 12, 2011 Thank you D-Lish..you are totally 100% right. I had one glass of wine, a beer, was totally myself and normal and kind to him. I didn't do anything dumb, flirt with anyone or make any dumb moves. I feel a little better just knowing that I was the normal kind person I am and just wanted things to work. He lives in Minnesota and I live in Oregon. My family is in Minnesota and I was going to visit and was looking forward to spending lots of quality time getting to know him. It's his loss. You'll find someone who loves and values you the way you are.
Author Bittersweet_Love Posted July 12, 2011 Author Posted July 12, 2011 Hi Feelsgoodman.. I actually AM Pakistani...an American born Pakistani. This is where is gets so hard for me. I thought he was a liberal Pakistani man but apparently not..so hard to find someone who is a good mix of east and west
Author Bittersweet_Love Posted July 13, 2011 Author Posted July 13, 2011 Everyday I get a little bit stronger from this but, I would be lying if I said it still wasn't something I thought about everyday. Here is my question: Would I be doing myself a disservice to write him an email venting out some of the anger I have? I know NC is probably BEST in this situation and to just move on but, I still cannot shake how we talked for three months and then how he treated me when I visited and now completely disappearance. IT'S INFURIATING! I want to let him know how upset I am and how confused by his actions. I know it's probably NOT a good idea but could it possibly do some good at least to get some closure? I feel like he could have at least given me THAT..but it never ceases to amaze me how some people can act. UGH It would be a simple email saying... hey, I haven't heard from you since I got back to Oregon and I just wanted to express my disappointment in how you acted when I was there...(maybe a short explanation) and end it nicely with "I wish you the best" I don't know...maybe that's dumb....and I should just move on....thoughts?
Afishwithabike Posted July 13, 2011 Posted July 13, 2011 I think the idea is fine, but I would keep the email shorter. I don't know if right now you need to include the short explanation. If he responds with "what did I do wrong?" then maybe give an explanation.
Feelsgoodman Posted July 14, 2011 Posted July 14, 2011 Everyday I get a little bit stronger from this but, I would be lying if I said it still wasn't something I thought about everyday. Here is my question: Would I be doing myself a disservice to write him an email venting out some of the anger I have? I know NC is probably BEST in this situation and to just move on but, I still cannot shake how we talked for three months and then how he treated me when I visited and now completely disappearance. IT'S INFURIATING! I want to let him know how upset I am and how confused by his actions. I know it's probably NOT a good idea but could it possibly do some good at least to get some closure? I feel like he could have at least given me THAT..but it never ceases to amaze me how some people can act. UGH It would be a simple email saying... hey, I haven't heard from you since I got back to Oregon and I just wanted to express my disappointment in how you acted when I was there...(maybe a short explanation) and end it nicely with "I wish you the best" I don't know...maybe that's dumb....and I should just move on....thoughts? Yes, it is dumb. It won't bring you closure, as he will just laugh it off or come up with some bs excuse. Move on with your life.
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