herenow Posted July 8, 2011 Posted July 8, 2011 Starting this thread so I don't TJ another. I was reading about the possibility that some people cheat because their spouse has "let themselves go". One of the things I learned from my experience with infidelity it that is was never about me, what I did or how I looked. The choice to cheat was indeed all about my H. While I was separated from my H, I realized that it was just as important (maybe even more important) to be happy with myself as it was to be happy in my marriage. I have always kept fit. I take care of myself. I love to be healthy, play with new styes, get my hair and nails done, etc, etc, etc. Why? Because it make me happy. I love that I'm the same size I was when I got marred. Actually, I'm probably in better physical shape because I eat healthier than I did then, and I can afford to work out in ways I couldn't back then. It's nice that my H appreciates that I take care of myself. But, that is just a bonus to the fact that I really do it because it make me happy. So, IMO, taking care of ones self should not be to keep a man around. It should be a choice make from within to lead a life that makes you (the general you) happy. If a woman is happy with a couple of extra pounds and her H cheats on her because of it, well, that says more about the man than the fact that his BS has gained weight. Again the cheating is about the MM, not about the BS or what she weights IMO.
bentnotbroken Posted July 8, 2011 Posted July 8, 2011 Starting this thread so I don't TJ another. I was reading about the possibility that some people cheat because their spouse has "let themselves go". One of the things I learned from my experience with infidelity it that is was never about me, what I did or how I looked. The choice to cheat was indeed all about my H. While I was separated from my H, I realized that it was just as important (maybe even more important) to be happy with myself as it was to be happy in my marriage. I have always kept fit. I take care of myself. I love to be healthy, play with new styes, get my hair and nails done, etc, etc, etc. Why? Because it make me happy. I love that I'm the same size I was when I got marred. Actually, I'm probably in better physical shape because I eat healthier than I did then, and I can afford to work out in ways I couldn't back then. It's nice that my H appreciates that I take care of myself. But, that is just a bonus to the fact that I really do it because it make me happy. So, IMO, taking care of ones self should not be to keep a man around. It should be a choice make from within to lead a life that makes you (the general you) happy. If a woman is happy with a couple of extra pounds and her H cheats on her because of it, well, that says more about the man than the fact that his BS has gained weight. Again the cheating is about the MM, not about the BS or what she weights IMO. Love this. I too always kept in shape(it's been a hell of a lot harder with medical issues and age), but Mr. Messy never kept himself in shape. It wasn't important to him. He ate what he wanted, when he wanted and his waist line showed the effects of those choices....but that wasn't a deal breaker for me. I loved him. Though I wanted him healthier because of his family history of certain things that proved fatal to the men in his family at an early age, his weight( or balding and greying)had little to do with why I did love him, or why that loved ceased to exist.
MissBee Posted July 8, 2011 Posted July 8, 2011 (edited) We can all agree, well maybe not all, but a vast number of people would consider Halle Berry to be a gorgeous woman who by the nature of her career as an actress and model who endorses products, cannot let herself go. Her husband cheated on her. Likewise many gorgeous celeb women who many women idolize or look up to for their beauty, brains and so on and men would cut their arm off to be with have been cheated on as well. Therefore, letting one's self go is not some essential thing for a man to cheat. The other day I was watching a program with some celeb guy saying women need to stop blaming themselves for men cheating as it has little to do with them often and they are no less gorgeous, smart, sexy and the rest. You could be the perfect woman and a man will still cheat based on issues that only that cheating man at the time can answer. I have no idea if when I was the OW he thought I was prettier, smarter (well he counted me among the smartest people he knew but that says nothing about her smartness), my sex was better, I was more interesting or whatnot. I never asked and he never volunteered the info but I was not arrogant enough to assume that I must have been. He cheated for reasons he knows better than I, and he already admitted nothing was wrong with his relationship...soooo that only leaves him and his choices because he chose it without me inserting some speech about me being more fantastic than his gf OR if my husband/bf cheats I sure won't start accusing myself of it. Edited July 8, 2011 by MissBee
bentnotbroken Posted July 8, 2011 Posted July 8, 2011 Let's be fair to the gentlemen as well. There are a lot of great guys who keep themselves looking hot and sexy, are great husbands and dads, taking care of business and their wives/so will go out and cheat...why, because they want to.
Silly_Girl Posted July 8, 2011 Posted July 8, 2011 When you got 'marred' Herenow? Freudian slip? Just kidding!! I agree it has to be for yourself, first and foremost. It's to do with self-respect. I might change a choice of dress slightly to suit him if we're out for dinner, to one particularly drool-worthy, but the effort with everything would happen anyway. And not for him. Same if I go out for dinner with the girls. I think too much dependence on your partner just leads to downfall... If you only dress nicely for them and they pee you off then you don't dress nice to spite them, then you don't feel nice, maybe you're not BEING nice... Round in circles.
heartbreaker Posted July 8, 2011 Posted July 8, 2011 My ex left me for the same reason, that I gained weight. I was devastated and started taking care of myself. I don't regret being separated from him, he was the one who made me unhappy enough to make me forget about myself. Now I am happy with myself. I do things that make me happy and not try to fit in someone's category. More people appreciate me for what I am and it feels great!
Woggle Posted July 8, 2011 Posted July 8, 2011 While I never let myself go too much when I was with my ex I put on a little weight and in general was not taking care of myself. After we divorced I got in shape and am now better than I have been in my entire adult life.
carrie999 Posted July 8, 2011 Posted July 8, 2011 It's great that you do so to be healthy, and it's not okay to cheat. Still, I would argue that people don't cheat because their spouse has "let themselves go" by gaining a few pounds. There is something deeper there. Sure, if a man or woman gains 10 or 15 or even 30 pounds, maybe it's because when they married, they had few responsibilities, and had more time (and even money) to prepare healthy meals and stay fit. Adding financial constraints and career demands and children takes a toll, and not everyone can balance these demands while maintaining their shape. Anyone who doesn't recognize that or is that judgmental should never have married in the first place. That's entirely superficial. However, if someone goes from 120 pounds and fit to 200 and out of shape and miserable, I can see where that would drive a wedge in the marriage. It's not about attraction at that point; it's the fact that you no longer know the person you married. This still doesn't condone affairs, but it explains the separation between two people. I met my ex-BF in high school. He was a competitive BMX rider, and was 6'0" and 160 pounds. At 20, he was 185 pounds because he drank too much while partying with friends. At 22, he curtailed the drinking, kept working out, and was in shape, happy and healthy at probably 170 pounds. Being active was a huge part of his personality and what made him happy, and he knew it. By the time we broke up when he was 28, he was 235 pounds. His cholesterol levels were over 300 and his doctor recommended medication because he didn't count on him to make necessary lifestyle changes. He was eating poorly, not working out, and drinking too much socially, though at least not at home. I ended things because he wasn't making any positive steps towards being healthy, emotionally or physically, and it affected everything from our interactions (no longer spending time biking or doing the things we loved together) to our sex life, probably due to his self-image and what to me seemed like a serious depression he refused to face. I hoped that our breakup would be a wake-up call somehow, especially when he chose to move to a place he thought he'd be happier. I figured that he was unhappy with me or where we lived, and he'd find himself again when he moved. I probably would have married him if I hadn't seen how others around me struggled with their marriages. I loved him more than anyone I knew, and it took years for me to gather the strength to end it with him. The issue was never his weight. It was his mindset, and apparently I wasn't off-base...he's 34 now, more overweight (possibly obese), married with a toddler, and by all accounts, unhappy and not willing to change, still. So when married people cheating or affair partners listening to the married person talk about the spouse being less attractive, my instinct is that in many or most cases, it's not about looks.
Samantha0905 Posted July 8, 2011 Posted July 8, 2011 My ex left me for the same reason, that I gained weight. I was devastated and started taking care of myself. I don't regret being separated from him, he was the one who made me unhappy enough to make me forget about myself. Now I am happy with myself. I do things that make me happy and not try to fit in someone's category. More people appreciate me for what I am and it feels great! He didn't leave you for that reason. He wasn't bold enough to discuss what was really going on, so he threw something out at you that would make you think you had failed. He left because of things having to do with your relationship as a couple. He left because he couldn't face up to talking those things out and facing up to them. And good grief if your relationship in his eyes had only to do with the physical, he needs to grow up.
aaromale Posted July 29, 2011 Posted July 29, 2011 OP...I am sorry for threadjacking this thread. I understand it is insensitive of me. But I joined these forums to ask the user Samantha0905 something about her own story. Since I could find no other active threads started by Samantha0905, I am posting here... Samantha0905...I joined these forums to ask you this question. Firstly, let me tell you that I make no assumptions about your character or your moral fabric or the “goodness” in you. I believe every person is basically a good person and so are you. What I do not believe is that a person that claims to be good, cannot feel immense remorse over a mistake they themselves consider a monumental sin… I am still not making a judgment over your commitment to work on your marriage. But what I am asking is, as a good person, how does your sense of fairness plays itself out when you are reaping the fruits of being married to a good and loving person, when you have not paid for the sin you have committed against him? Reading some of your posts, I can see that you are over the XAP and that you think that the affair was wrong. But I also understand that you do not feel abject remorse over the affair and that you think it is not entirely negative(I am not taking about the guilt part. I understand that you have turned it over to God). You probably know more about affairs than I do. But having read something about affairs, I understand this kind of feeling stems out of entitlement. Entitlement is a trait of a selfish person. And in your own words, you are a good person. I was a bit baffled by these contradictions in your posts. I understand that you do not have to explain to me what your justification for not feeling remorse over your affair is. But if you think you could spare the time and energy, can you please enlighten me?
alexandria35 Posted July 29, 2011 Posted July 29, 2011 Trying to please and impress someone else is incredibly exhausting. When I was 26 I dated an arrogant, critical, judgemental guy. I thought he was the be all and end all. My goal was to catch him and keep him. I tried to turn myself into the perfect woman for him. At 26, I was still pretty damn hot and I had a great body but for him I wanted to be perfect. I never saw him without being dressed nice and having my hair and makeup perfect. When I slept over at his place, when I woke up in the morning I would make bee line for the bathroom and not come out until I was showered and my hair and makeup was perfect. I paid close attention to every single thing he said to get clues to what impressed him about a woman and then I would try to do those things. I was always available when he wanted me and I went overboard trying to keep him sexually excited by me. Guess what? After a year he dumped me! Our break up conversation was horrible. He pointed at all of my flaws, such as I didn't have a good enough job, I didn't make enough money and I wasn't trying hard enough to better myself. WTF?? Trying to better myself was all I had done since meeting him, but there was limit to how much I could do, because I had 2 kids that came first. He wanted to know why I wasn't going to school in the evenings as well as working during the day. What? When was I supposed to see my kids? After we broke up and I cried like a baby for weeks, I started dating a man who had been a good friend to me. Because he was a friend I had never tried to impress him. He would bring me coffee in the morning when my eyes were still puffy and my hair was a mess. He would hang out with me and my kids while they were being bratts and I was a frazzled mess. We would laugh and be silly with each other with no filters on our behaviour or worries about how we were coming across. It was such a relief to just be able to be me and have someone think I was great. Eventually the other guy called me and wanted to resume our relationship. Said he had thought about things and he thought maybe he had ended the relationship prematurely. Guess he figured he hadn't given me enough time to become good enought for him. I said Hell No!! You make me tired and I'm happy you're gone! haha.. So no I don't think cheating is about the other person gaining weight or letting themselves go. I was with the father of my kids for 8 years. When I met him he was an attractive large man. Over the years he became fat and I can honestly say that his weight gain never fazed me in the least and it had nothing to do with our break up. I loved him and once I love someone their physical appearance doesn't change how I feel about them.
fooled once Posted July 30, 2011 Posted July 30, 2011 No one should have to be made up like a model or have anorexia in order to keep a man. It is interesting how so many people are all about the "outside" of a person. Some times weight issues are outside the control of a person. Before I go further, I want to add that at my heaviest, I weighted 130 - I was 23 and pregnant with my son. I am 5'4". My ex told me that if I ever got over 105 lbs he would divorce me I think he was joking; but I was and never have been heavy. I actually really enjoyed being pregnant because I got boobs lol and thankfully kept them. I have dear friends who suffer with weight issues. Two have major thyroid problems. They both work out religiously, watch their eating patterns/habits and are on medication to help with their thyroid problems. But both are overweight. Both have such loving supportive husbands. But I guess for some, the fact that they are both overweight, means that they aren't the same people as they were 15 years ago when they married. To ME, there is a difference between being overweight and being obese. It is interesting how much genetics play a part in our overall heath. My mother eats so well - her only vice is Lays potato chips She doesn't give into it often, but when she does, look out :laugh: She donates blood every 8 weeks and platelets when she is eligible. She exercises every day and is very active. Yet her cholesterol level has gotten high - 25 years ago she had very low cholesterol levels; but now, they are high. She has been put on medication. Additionally, some of the other medication she has to take for physical reasons affects her weight. My mom is far from overweight, but being 67, she is not the size 0 she was at 45 (yes, she was a size 0 - she ran 15 miles a day, worked full time and was in great shape!) Life happens and with that comes physical changes. Some are controllable, many aren't. Depression can also cause weight issues. Having a loving supportive partner can make things easier when age hits and wrinkles grow, back sides spread and aches and pains become more normal than rare. If someone uses looks as an excuse for cheating, that person isn't worth squat and the person who is betrayed is better off without the cheater, IMHO.
aaromale Posted July 30, 2011 Posted July 30, 2011 Now this is really odd........Samantha hasn't posted here in months and months. You have a personal interest in Samantha? I have this stereotype built towards FWS that all FWS, during their recovery, will feel that the affair was the biggest mistake of their lives. Samantha admits to feel that way too, but also contradicts her own statements that the affair was not entirely negative and what she had for the XAP was love too. It seemed to me that, her remorse was not because of becoming a person who had an affair, but instead because of messing up her marriage further because of the affair (remorse for the situation, than about her own downfall http://counsellingresource.com/features/2011/06/14/what-real-contrition-looks-like/). Samantha had admitted in one of her posts that her views are constantly evolving and doesn’t believe in some of the things she had posted earlier. So I wanted to know, if her views over her affair are still the same as they were over a year ago. What is my interest? I believe in karma. I believe that even though God forgives our mortal sins, He does so only when we have repented greatly for our sins and I believe that contrition is the effect of karma. I just wanted to know if that is true in Samantha’s story too.
bentnotbroken Posted July 30, 2011 Posted July 30, 2011 I have this stereotype built towards FWS that all FWS, during their recovery, will feel that the affair was the biggest mistake of their lives. Samantha admits to feel that way too, but also contradicts her own statements that the affair was not entirely negative and what she had for the XAP was love too. It seemed to me that, her remorse was not because of becoming a person who had an affair, but instead because of messing up her marriage further because of the affair (remorse for the situation, than about her own downfall http://counsellingresource.com/features/2011/06/14/what-real-contrition-looks-like/). Samantha had admitted in one of her posts that her views are constantly evolving and doesn’t believe in some of the things she had posted earlier. So I wanted to know, if her views over her affair are still the same as they were over a year ago. What is my interest? I believe in karma. I believe that even though God forgives our mortal sins, He does so only when we have repented greatly for our sins and I believe that contrition is the effect of karma. I just wanted to know if that is true in Samantha’s story too. Yup this is completely personal thing.
alexandria35 Posted July 30, 2011 Posted July 30, 2011 I have this stereotype built towards FWS that all FWS, during their recovery, will feel that the affair was the biggest mistake of their lives. Samantha admits to feel that way too, but also contradicts her own statements that the affair was not entirely negative and what she had for the XAP was love too. It seemed to me that, her remorse was not because of becoming a person who had an affair, but instead because of messing up her marriage further because of the affair (remorse for the situation, than about her own downfall http://counsellingresource.com/features/2011/06/14/what-real-contrition-looks-like/). Samantha had admitted in one of her posts that her views are constantly evolving and doesn’t believe in some of the things she had posted earlier. So I wanted to know, if her views over her affair are still the same as they were over a year ago. What is my interest? I believe in karma. I believe that even though God forgives our mortal sins, He does so only when we have repented greatly for our sins and I believe that contrition is the effect of karma. I just wanted to know if that is true in Samantha’s story too. arromale you bring up some interesting points that might lead to an interesting discussion. Why not start a thread about it? Why do you only want to know about Samantha? There are probably many posters here who have the same perspective as Samantha. It is pretty rare to ever see a poster here standing completely alone in their opinions and experience. Usually no matter how off the wall somebody sounds there are usually at least one or two posters who will show up to say they totally understand where the poster is coming from. So why not start a thread to open up a discussion about the things you wish to discuss?
aaromale Posted July 30, 2011 Posted July 30, 2011 If I recall correctly there was a poster who seemed more than a little obsessive in following her around here at LS, that wouldn't have been you, would it? Nope. Not me. arromale you bring up some interesting points that might lead to an interesting discussion. Why not start a thread about it? Why do you only want to know about Samantha? There are probably many posters here who have the same perspective as Samantha. It is pretty rare to ever see a poster here standing completely alone in their opinions and experience. Usually no matter how off the wall somebody sounds there are usually at least one or two posters who will show up to say they totally understand where the poster is coming from. So why not start a thread to open up a discussion about the things you wish to discuss? Thanks for the invite. I'll do that.
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