smalls714 Posted July 7, 2011 Posted July 7, 2011 met my wife when we were young. We had a mutual attraction from the very start and I was elated to begin a relationship with her. We both came from troubled families and I feel it brought us closer. We had our share of problems through the years but we always made it through together. I have some mental issues like social anxiety and bipolar disorder. She has always said she supported me in dealing with these issues. Without her I would not have been able to make it this far in life. Life with me is not always pleasant, I know this. I do try. I try very hard to show my appreciation for her love and support. The last few months she has been distant, cold. I have tried to get her to open up to me but I receive the brush off, or outright lies. She called a few weeks ago to say she had gotten a job after a long time of both of us being unemployed. I congratulated her, let her know am proud of her. I also related that I feel bad that I am not able to be the one to work to support our family and she blew me off with an "oh well". I was shocked and hung up on her. She came home and we fought. The nastiest we've ever had> She yelled at me to hit her over and over and to my shame I did cuff her. I was shocked, she was not. She followed me around the house as I tried to gather some things so I could leave, I was too ashamed to stay. The whole time she was beating me, yelling at me and not letting me get out. She tore off my glasses and punched me. Not once did I think I didn't deserve what I was getting. I was finally able to leave and I stayed out for a while but came home. We didn't talk for a couple of days. I could not stand not talking to her so I bridged the gap. We talked, had a good weekend with the kids together. I thought things were going to get better but I was wrong. It turns out that for the past several months she has been talking to a man online. She claims it's not a relationship but they have talked about the possibilities of having sex etc. There are 5000 texts over the last 4 months. Hours of online conversations. She has finally come clean about wanting to sleep with other people and forge relationships with them. She claims to never have slept with anyone else but that she masturbates to thoughts of them and has turned me away from sex because she was having thoughts of him. She says she has too much love to give and that she could have several lovers in the same house with her. So here we are, at the edge of divorce. I have told her I'm willing to get medicated for my mood swings and try to be a better person, get counseling to deal with my problems. I have been asking her to slow conversations down with this guy but since she is claiming its just a friendship she doesn't have to just stop. It hasn't slowed, she is on her phone messaging him all day, at home and work. she closes herself in the bedroom and talks for hours. All while I'm just asking for a glimmer of hope. et she says she doesn't know if hse wants a divorce or not and i can't help but kind of hover and hope for an answer. Am I a chump? Am I too clingy? Should I sit back and wait for her answer while we live in a cold home? My instinct at this point is to just leave but I have no place to go and I don't want to see this end. I don't know, should I just let the divorce happen?
Stupid Girl Posted July 8, 2011 Posted July 8, 2011 I'm so sorry smalls, this sounds like such a terrible situation your wife is acting abusive toward you and that's not okay. And the relationship she has, with the online guy she's been working out the logistics of sleeping with? That's not friendship. If she cares about the relationship she has with you, she will be willing to stop talking to him. Right now, she has her cake, and she's eating it too. If you read this as an outsider to your situation, would you want to stay with somebody who would do that to you?
Author smalls714 Posted July 8, 2011 Author Posted July 8, 2011 i know. im trying to get to a place where i can let go. i've been with her for 14 years and it's hard. everytime i bring it up she gets mad and tells me its just friends and she doesnt see why it should hurt me. what she says is that they talked about it and came to the conclusion that it would never happen, she says because of our marriage but sometimes lets it slip tat its also because they are on separate coasts. she also says she has sooo much love to give that its easy for her to form "affections". what i think i need is more people telling me that she is just bull****ting me so i can sever. it still hard though.
TheHurtProcess Posted July 8, 2011 Posted July 8, 2011 To be totally honest, I'm not sure if you should just wait around for a divorce. Perhaps it's you who needs to make the first move and get out of the situation. You sound as if you feel as though she is all you have in life and that there couldn't possibly be anyone else out there for you. I can guarantee you that there is. Why would anyone want to waste time like that with someone who could obviously care less. You could be out there right now with the girl of your dreams, yet you wait around for your wife to make a decision. This could be the perfect time to work on yourself, get out there and make something happen. You only live once. Think about that.
Author smalls714 Posted July 8, 2011 Author Posted July 8, 2011 it really is hard to face. ive been a stay at home dad so long i dont really have job prospects, no place to go and theres no way shes going to let me have my kids. i really am lost right now. i am making counselling appointments to work on me but I just dont know how anything is going to work.
TheHurtProcess Posted July 8, 2011 Posted July 8, 2011 it really is hard to face. ive been a stay at home dad so long i dont really have job prospects, no place to go and theres no way shes going to let me have my kids. i really am lost right now. i am making counselling appointments to work on me but I just dont know how anything is going to work. That doesn't mean that you can't create new goals, including new job prospects. Have you ever thought that this might be part of the reason why she's acting the way she is? Many females tend to want a male who's successful in some way or another. They want security. They want a man who can support them and protect them, not only physically but financially. Since you don't seem to have any ambitions at the moment, nor does it sound as if you've created any for a good while, perhaps she is looking for someone who can take life and make something of themselves. I'm not trying to make you feel any worse than you already feel. I'm just talking from experience. I was in a similar position for a while myself. Around the time of my breakup, a couple months ago, everything fell apart in my life. My car broke down, I lost my job, I had no money and therefore I couldn't support my family, her and I had to move in with a friend, my son's mother (not my most recent ex) decided to take the authority into her own hands and take my son away from me until I had to take her to court and get him back. Finally, I lost my girlfriend. One of the last things I remember her saying was something along the lines of "I feel as if you aren't going anywhere in life". Even though I knew that she knew what was going on was only temporary. She also knows that I have enough potential to do literally anything I want to do with my life. But I saw her point. I have all these talents and skills, but I wasn't doing anything significant with them. Now I am. But, I should have been doing it since the beginning. I'm still not out of my rut, but I'm working on it as well as working on making something of my life. At this point it's not for her anymore, since she's already gone. It's for me and my future mate/family. Remember this... "Every passing minute is another chance to turn it all around."
Gack Posted July 9, 2011 Posted July 9, 2011 Hurt i feel you. When we were having problems cuz she was contacting a guy and behaving intimately like she was texting her bf. We talked to a friend about our situation. My friend had been through worse than us with both sides cheating and lying to each other, but he was still together with his gf after that. Later on he told my gf when i went to the toilet, that if i was still like that not having a good career and didn't marry her within 2 years maybe i should find another bf because i have no future. My gf told me this and i didn't blame my friend because i knew he was a straight talking kind of guy. I caught her chatting with the guy saying that we went talking to a friend and when the friend said that she should find another guy cuz i had no future she said maybe that guy he was talking about is you Yup.. With a smiley. She always told me i am the smartest guy she ever knew. Had foresight knowing what will happen and lots of experience. She told me she didn't like rich guy who can't do anything if they are left on their own. She like how i was independent and street smart. She knew i had potential and now she is saying that to the guy behind my back. She never had bad things to say about me and was so supportive. I always tell her to trust me someday i will make her my wife and take care of her. Now saying such hurtful things to me and seeing her send old photos of herself and calling him pet names. I kept begging her to stop all this. I told her it took 2 hands to clap and 2 tits for a titty **** (i was trying to make her laugh and stop weeping and she did) I was crying and hysterical and everyday she broke her promise not to contact him. I told her that what i promise at the start of the relationship i would do, and i have never stopped trying. Work hard and marry her. She told me she would use her life to repay how good i was to her. And guess what few days later she didn't came back to my house and cut off all contact other than to take her things back. Said it was for herself not for the guy and in the end she wore a couple ring to replace the one i gave her when she came to my house to collect her stuff. Even bought a relative along so she could one shot put everything in the car. I ask if i could see her again and she said maybe see first. Then just like that she left. After that all the text i spammed her telling her it was wrong and she defended the guy and all and told me after this no matter what i said she would not reply. After a few more text i initiated NC. Made her jealous by saying i went out with another girl and she deleted me even when she kept spamming post saying how she enjoy being with him lol. Well to know more about my problem you all could read my other posts. It a long story and i really am not keen to type it all out as i am rather long winded. Hey hurt i used your quote on facebook. Hope you don't mind haha.
TheHurtProcess Posted July 9, 2011 Posted July 9, 2011 Hurt i feel you. When we were having problems cuz she was contacting a guy and behaving intimately like she was texting her bf. We talked to a friend about our situation. My friend had been through worse than us with both sides cheating and lying to each other, but he was still together with his gf after that. Later on he told my gf when i went to the toilet, that if i was still like that not having a good career and didn't marry her within 2 years maybe i should find another bf because i have no future. My gf told me this and i didn't blame my friend because i knew he was a straight talking kind of guy. I caught her chatting with the guy saying that we went talking to a friend and when the friend said that she should find another guy cuz i had no future she said maybe that guy he was talking about is you Yup.. With a smiley. She always told me i am the smartest guy she ever knew. Had foresight knowing what will happen and lots of experience. She told me she didn't like rich guy who can't do anything if they are left on their own. She like how i was independent and street smart. She knew i had potential and now she is saying that to the guy behind my back. She never had bad things to say about me and was so supportive. I always tell her to trust me someday i will make her my wife and take care of her. Now saying such hurtful things to me and seeing her send old photos of herself and calling him pet names. I kept begging her to stop all this. I told her it took 2 hands to clap and 2 tits for a titty **** (i was trying to make her laugh and stop weeping and she did) I was crying and hysterical and everyday she broke her promise not to contact him. I told her that what i promise at the start of the relationship i would do, and i have never stopped trying. Work hard and marry her. She told me she would use her life to repay how good i was to her. And guess what few days later she didn't came back to my house and cut off all contact other than to take her things back. Said it was for herself not for the guy and in the end she wore a couple ring to replace the one i gave her when she came to my house to collect her stuff. Even bought a relative along so she could one shot put everything in the car. I ask if i could see her again and she said maybe see first. Then just like that she left. After that all the text i spammed her telling her it was wrong and she defended the guy and all and told me after this no matter what i said she would not reply. After a few more text i initiated NC. Made her jealous by saying i went out with another girl and she deleted me even when she kept spamming post saying how she enjoy being with him lol. Well to know more about my problem you all could read my other posts. It a long story and i really am not keen to type it all out as i am rather long winded. Hey hurt i used your quote on facebook. Hope you don't mind haha. No problem bud. THE QUOTE is actually from the movie "Vanilla Sky". One of my favorites. If you're looking for a good flick about love and loss, with a twist, check that movie out (if you haven't seen it already). It sounds like you've been through hell and back as well. I totally feel ya. It's a sad world in all reality. Sometimes I wonder why I even bother with relationships at all. This isn't the first time I've dealt with the pain of a failed relationship and I know it's not going to be the last. It's as if people get bored of their SO within a few years. Relationships never last, nor do marriages. People are getting divorced everyday over the same BS we're losing our relationships over. Some get divorced several times in a lifetime, like it was just a relationship from the start. It's as if people aren 't meant to be in a lifetime commitment anymore. Think of those who have been married for 30-40 years. Most divorces happen within 10 these days. Why do I bother? It's like we're setting ourselves up for inevitable failure, over and over and over again. It's a constant cycle and history repeats.
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