horseaustin Posted July 7, 2011 Posted July 7, 2011 I'm completely devastated and don't know what to do. I've been living with my boyfriend for almost a year. He works almost all the time (about 80 hrs a week), but this is absolutely necessary for his line of work. Other than that I felt our relationship was very strong. Just last night my friends were commenting on what a cute couple we are & how they wish they could find "a good guy like him" Today he texted me that he was coming home for lunch. I was really excited to see him of course, but when he came in he was acting strange. He had bags in his hand and said he went to the store to pick up some things we needed like laundry detergent, some groceries, etc. I thought he was just being nice so I thanked him. He then proceeded to sit down on the couch & asked me to sit down. He said, "I don't know how to tell you this....but I want to break up". I was absolutely speechless..of course, I then asked why..and I started crying. He told me that he needs "time for himself" and that he "can't handle all the responsibilities of being in a relationship". I asked him what he meant by that. I thought that it was money related because he always insists on paying for pretty much everything for me. I constantly tell him no, but he insists. I thought this finally wore him down, but that's apparently not the case. He said that he can't be responsible for making me happy..whatever that means. I begged him to explain, but he said that "I will never understand". I have NEVER cheated on him, or give him to reason to think that I have and there wasn't a fight. We've had a few minor arguments in the past, but I didn't think it was ever anything to break up over. I also really don't think that he's cheating on me...I can't figure it out, but I feel like I really must have messed up somehow. He kept hinting around about proposing and weddings for the last few months so this was a terrible surprise for me. I asked him where I'm supposed to go and he told me that I can have our condo and everything in it including our 2 cats and a dog and that he will continue to pay for it and pay vet bills etc. with the pets. He told me that he will be staying somewhere else. He also told me that's why he went shopping...so I have stuff here. He also told me that he wishes to give me an allowance, but he needs to be by himself. I told him that that's very nice, but I just can't accept that. I told him to stay in the apartment because I will leave. He then packed up all of his clothes, kissed me on my head, said he'll check on me coming up and just walked out of the door! I am completely devastated and in shock. I have a job, but I don't make enough money to pay for the apartment we live in. I don't want to accept money from him or anything if he doesn't want to be with me. I just want him to come back and talk to me. I don't know where to go from here. Everything feels completely surreal..like I'm just waiting to wake up from a bad dream. I feel like I just lost my best friend. I don't know what to do...
lonelynyc Posted July 7, 2011 Posted July 7, 2011 I feel your pain... Especially the way it just came out of the blue, it's difficult. The guy clearly cares about you, that's indisputable. The fact that he wants to help you financially (although I think you were right to refuse the help) shows that he's suffering from pretty strong guilt. I know that doesn't make it better. The part that makes me wonder is that he told you you'd "never understand." It sounds like he's dealing with some personal demons (I have a few ideas) and feels like ending things with you before he hurts you irrevocably. For now, do what you can to make yourself feel better, leave the condo, try to find a different place to live--surround yourself with friends and family. It seems like there is very real and strong love on both sides... Hopefully at some point in the future you will be able to sit down with him and get a clearer picture of what went wrong. For now though, you have to just accept his request to be left alone. It sounds like he's in the midst of some sort of crisis that only he can end.
bigmomma1974 Posted July 7, 2011 Posted July 7, 2011 I may be way of base here and if so I am sorry. Is he gay? is that why he feels he can't make you happy and is that why he still wants to pay the bills and such. If the animals belong to both of you then it is ok for him to pay vet bills. it is in a way like if you had kids together, the other person would be responsible for those kids as well. If you can't afford to live there and the lease isnt up, let him help pay it till it is up, then move out. I am sorry for your pain I know its fresh and it stings like there is no tomorrow but you will get pass this and move on and it will make you stronger. Let yourself have time to go through the process of the break-up though. G/L
vsmini Posted July 7, 2011 Posted July 7, 2011 He said that he can't be responsible for making me happy..whatever that means. Just trying to get a better understanding and this is NOT a personal slam to you but did he ever talk about codependency? or did you guys not really have other friends but each other? Why would he think he was responsible for your happiness?
stray Posted July 7, 2011 Posted July 7, 2011 Well, the way he broke it off is obviously super lame, but goober girl talk just isn't going to help you right now, lets be real here. Who's name is on the lease? 1. If his name is on the lease, you need to move out. It doesn't matter that he's offering to pay. You need to move out. I understand you have animals, you might have to find a temporary home for them. If you have family near-by you can stay with, then go stay with them. 2. Re-asses your life. It's time for a plan B. You may need to take on a second job, or change jobs completely, or move to a different area, move back in with family for a while, go back to school...cross out plan A and take a look at plan B. 3. See a therapist as soon as possible to help you make decisions regarding (2). Good luck, I'm sorry this happened =( There's a reason for everything.
Author horseaustin Posted July 7, 2011 Author Posted July 7, 2011 Thank you so much for all of your responses. I'm really trying to put things into perspective and this has already helped me to calm down and begin to accept the situation better. I really don't think that he's gay.. at least he's never given me any reason to believe that. He always seemed very interested in me, but I suppose that it could be a very small possibility. Although we were best friends and spent most of our time together, we would also spend time with other people. Sometimes I would also go out with just my girl friends, he'd spend time with his friends, or we'd meet up with groups of people. Yes, his name is unfortunately the one on the lease. I agree that I should move out for this reason.
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