It still feels like a break-up...

[LilThalie]

I don't even know if it deserves to be called a break up since there was no real relationship. But it feels like one, it hurts!

 

The guy I've been seeing for four months send me an e-mail saying that he couldn't take it anymore, couldn't see me anymore because there were too many problems. We met in January when I had a short fling with a friend of his and he was still with his girlfriend of 6 years(which I did not know at that time). We talked, got to know each other a little and wow, I had never felt such an immediate connection as I did with him. The first night we actually hung out one-on-one at my place, we talked until five in the morning, then he left for work. It felt good. Things progressed, one night he walked me home after a party, we kissed. This was in March. Then about 5 weeks in he told me about his ex-girlfriend, that he had just broken up with, after that first one-on-one meeting that we had. I was crushed, angry, hurt. But I liked him a lot and he was great with me, so I agreed we could still see each other but take things VERY slow. We did. We met about once a week. No sex, just holding hands and kissing.

We both had our doubts, our ups and downs because of the situation but we kept going. Then, time caught up with us. I will be leaving for France in September, he will be moving to London to attend grad school. We both realized that if we wanted this to work out, we would have to put in more now. He told me he wanted to try because he really, really liked me. Then he went a a three week vacation with his brother, came back and send me that e-mail.

 

I'm so hurt. I was always aware of the risk that this was just some type of rebound for him. I held back a lot, tried to protect myself, didn't quite openly tell him about my feelings for him(though he did reveal his), took every thing very slow, tried to give him space to sort out his issues. And now I sit here alone and wonder what went wrong.

I don't know what it is. He says though his feeling say something else, it rationally is best for both of us, we both have major changes in our lives ahead, he is somehow still processing his break-up, we would have to go long-distance for minimum of two years. I know he's right. But there are tears running down my face when thinking about how much I will miss him.

 

Now I'm trying to figure out what to do, stay in touch, go NC... I still have some of his stuff. I just don't know.

[smudge21]

Just because it wasn't a relationship in the normal sense, doesn't mean you aren't allowed to have the same strong feelings for someone. It's often said we fall in love not when we're with someone but when we apart from them. I've fallen in love before and it was very short, no sex, just the perfect person - we got along so well that I never even considered rushing it or trying to take it further. Every day with her just felt right, so why change it.

 

So with that said, you now have to deal with this like any other break up - you have to go no contact. You're too emotionally involved to stay in touch and it'll only build up the more you contact him, especially if he's far away. You'll miss him more and more which will lead to you wanting him more and more. I know that NC will be hard. One of the things that played on my mind when that 'relationship' I mentioned above ended was that I was so annoyed that I had these intense feelings of loss, yet I hadn't experience the full joys and pleasures of a full on relationship. How unfair is that. Surely if I'm expected to have the pain I could at least have the pleasure first, so to speak. So you may get some feelings or regret and anger, not at him, but at the whole thing. You'll probably feel that the relationship never had a chance so why should it be over, which in turn will make you want to keep things alive. You have to be strong - trust me, chasing after this will only lead to more hurt.

 

However, with that said, I see no problem whatsoever in sending one last email/letter telling him exactly how you feel. Consider it a goodbye letter, a final chance to say whatever is on your mind and in your heart. Tell him you're going NC and say why. I'm not saying you should do this to win him back, that never works, but more to get everything off your chest, so at least you know that he knows the whole truth and understand how you feel. No begging him to come back though.

 

Good luck with it and try to stay strong.

[LilThalie]

Thanks for your reply.

 

I met up with him today for lunch to talk about it all. As he offered to explain to me in person what he had already written in his e-mail. I must say I was in shock when he ended it over e-mail, I really thought he would have had the guts to tell it to my face. I realize that it probably was a mistake to see him again but I had some questions that I wanted to be answered.

He was super tense while I was surprisingly upbeat. It was really weird. He says he likes me a lot, but that our uncertain future concerned him, that our 'relationship' has been occupying his thoughts because he was trying to figure out how to make it work properly and that there were problems from his last relationship that were on his mind a lot lately, and that he's still hung up on all the memories of that 6 years with his ex-girlfriend. All these thoughts have taken up a good deal of his time, and he felt it was just too much for him to take. Because of that, he decided to do what's best for his health right now, break things off with me and take time for himself. He says he has to fight the feeling he has for me and be alone because all the thinking is depressing him.

I listened to him. And it all made so much sense, it was so rational. There was only one question left and that was, why he couldn't have told me without that e-mail. So I asked. He said he couldn't have told me because he thought this e-mail made things kind of irreversible and he knew he would be tempted to change his mind when we were talking face to face.

 

Now, you see, I completely understand this. It's logical and rational. But the feeling that under different circumstance this really could have been something beautiful, makes it just so much harder to take. I know 'could have' doesn't mean anything... I'm hurting.. I like him, he likes me.. it can't be.. that sucks.

 

I'm not initiating contact, but I will respond if he calls or texts me. I'm pretty sure he won't since I told him that I need some me-time to process this and then maybe after some time I will be able to get back in touch with him and see if we can build a friendship...