Maggotface Posted July 7, 2011 Posted July 7, 2011 This is more of just a personal rant to hopefully get things off my mind somewhat. So, we where together for seven months and broke up about 4 or 5 days ago. We are both 20, had a lot of ups and downs but cared about each other very much. He got mad recently because I wouldnt promise him that we would be together forever. I told him it's not that I don't want to be with him forever it's just that there is no way anyone could make a promise like that because I cannot tell the future. He lead me on for a bit saying that he just needed space and he didnt know what would happen to us in the future. Eventually he admited that he met someone else, which explained everything. They've been talking for a few days and I told him that as long as he was happy and that was what he wanted I would stay out of his life and I have, no contact day 2. I don't think they will last, and even if they don't I doubt he will come back to me. I know I shouldnt take him back if he did but I would. I don't understand how you can jump so fast to a new relationship even though you are still in love with your ex. It doesnt seem fair to your new partner that you are not completely devoted to them. I don't know the point in this thread either I just had to post something.
flitzanu Posted July 7, 2011 Posted July 7, 2011 you said you don't want to be with him forever, why shouldn't he find someone that actually does?
Author Maggotface Posted July 7, 2011 Author Posted July 7, 2011 That's actually not what I said (reread). No one can promise anyone forever and if they do they're lying, no one can tell the future and knows 100% if they're going to be with someone forever. If he wants to find someone who will feed him empty promises that's his choice. I think he contridicts himself, he was worried I would just up and leave one day (never told him I was going to do this) so he fixes this problem by leaving me now?
TheHurtProcess Posted July 7, 2011 Posted July 7, 2011 That's actually not what I said (reread). No one can promise anyone forever and if they do they're lying, no one can tell the future and knows 100% if they're going to be with someone forever. If he wants to find someone who will feed him empty promises that's his choice. I think he contridicts himself, he was worried I would just up and leave one day (never told him I was going to do this) so he fixes this problem by leaving me now? I got that and you're correct. It's only the right thing to say. I see people on these boards all the time saying "How can someone say that they want to be with me forever and then up and leave me like that" and so on. However, there are two sides of that coin, what if the person decided to tell them exactly what you told your ex, would they have been able to handle the honest truth? Many people can't handle the truth and they prefer that you tell them what they want to hear and what they want you to say. What you said may have had something to do with it. But, I don't see it making a bit of difference. Regardless, he probably would have broken up with you anyway and he probably would have lied about being together forever as well beforehand. Your best bet is to stay NC, focus on yourself and heal. You sound like you have good intentions and an honest/loyal head on your shoulders. You deserve better and one day you'll find it.
O_O Posted July 7, 2011 Posted July 7, 2011 Honestly, I think you made the mature decision by telling him you couldn't say you'd be together forever. That's a major commitment, right up on the level of marriage, and it's definitely not something you should say lightly or without truly believing it. TheHurtProcess is quite right about all of his/her points. Also, in my experience the people who push for such a strong show of commitment are the least reliable in that respect. I think this is because those of us who think through the implications of making such bold, declarative statements are much less inclined to actually make them until we're good and ready. Those who push ahead and do these things quickly and without much thought generally seem to be more caught up in their own imagination, enjoying their romantic performance but not really thinking of the long term consequences. I also think people like that are more likely to leave you for someone else, mainly because when problems come up they take that as a sign that the relationship "wasn't meant to be", rather than trying to fix the problem, and they transfer their grand expectations for love onto someone else with whom there aren't any problems (yet....). So yeah, it's highly unlikely that this is about you, and I have no doubt that you'll meet someone with a more compatible romantic style who you'll be quite happy with.
lonelynyc Posted July 7, 2011 Posted July 7, 2011 It sounds like this guy has a low self-esteem and wanted you to inflate it. Believe me I know because I was that guy 5-6 years ago. I was terrible with a girl that cared about me. I wasn't sure how I felt about her, but was so insecure I wanted to claim all of her affection and devotion. It was sick, and the worst thing I've ever done to anyone. She never forgave me, and I don't blame her. Someone who behaves like that needs to be left alone so that they can grow up.
Author Maggotface Posted July 8, 2011 Author Posted July 8, 2011 I dont know anymore, I have my ups and downs (mostly downs) I found out, from her, that she spent the night with him and all day with him today. He's only known her a few days, I am completely crushed and not really sure what to think at this point.
flitzanu Posted July 8, 2011 Posted July 8, 2011 stating the obvious of "noone can predict the future" isn't answering the question though. sure, logistically you can't say "yes we will be together forever!!!" but if you WANT to be with this person long term, can't you at least say so? even "i hope we are together forever" or "yes i definitely want this to work out" or anything along those lines? just saying, your answer could come off like you aren't serious about the relationship, just offering as a perspective.
TheHurtProcess Posted July 8, 2011 Posted July 8, 2011 stating the obvious of "noone can predict the future" isn't answering the question though. sure, logistically you can't say "yes we will be together forever!!!" but if you WANT to be with this person long term, can't you at least say so? even "i hope we are together forever" or "yes i definitely want this to work out" or anything along those lines? just saying, your answer could come off like you aren't serious about the relationship, just offering as a perspective. Exactly... That is the dilemma we've reached. You can say that you know you're going to be together for ever and most likely be lying and then after the breakup, you will most likely be labeled as such (a "liar" and/or a "hypocrite"). Or you can can tell the truth as far as you know and see it and then you're "not serious" about the relationship.
flitzanu Posted July 11, 2011 Posted July 11, 2011 Exactly... That is the dilemma we've reached. You can say that you know you're going to be together for ever and most likely be lying and then after the breakup, you will most likely be labeled as such (a "liar" and/or a "hypocrite"). Or you can can tell the truth as far as you know and see it and then you're "not serious" about the relationship. well the hypocrite part is only if you're the one saying you want to be together forever and then you break up with the other person. had that happen too. she claimed she wanted forever, and then dumped me bc i didn't propose soon enough. i think it all boils down to "i don't want to be with you" when that line of questioning comes up anyway. like looking for a way to twist and manipulate answers.
TheHurtProcess Posted July 11, 2011 Posted July 11, 2011 well the hypocrite part is only if you're the one saying you want to be together forever and then you break up with the other person. had that happen too. she claimed she wanted forever, and then dumped me bc i didn't propose soon enough. i think it all boils down to "i don't want to be with you" when that line of questioning comes up anyway. like looking for a way to twist and manipulate answers. Agreed (that is why I wrote "and/or" instead of just "and"). My ex did the same exact thing. Talked about being together "forever", getting marries, having children, we even tried having children (I'm so thankful that didn't turn out) and then one day she was gone. It's like "F**k You too B***h!" hahahaha
velociheart Posted July 11, 2011 Posted July 11, 2011 I had my ex tell me I was stuck with him and that he wanted me forever and after we broke up he got engaged within a month to a woman he'd never met in person online. I'm with you, I don't know how someone after being in a long term relationship can forget or stop loving their previous love so quickly and move on but to me it seems a little premature for them to do so. What is it you want from him?
CaliBabe Posted July 11, 2011 Posted July 11, 2011 I agree that space often times means another person
Author Maggotface Posted July 19, 2011 Author Posted July 19, 2011 Well, I hate to revive a dead thread but just a little update. He is still with his ex, whom for the first three or four days of their relationship pestered the hell out of me. I'm not sure why, just constantly texted me all day saying that he was hers and to stay away from him. I didn't respond to any of her messages, and I havent talked to him once since we split (yay!). But, I'm doing alright, still think about him a lot, just numb I don't really know how I feel but I know I'm doing better.
Recommended Posts