windmiles Posted July 7, 2011 Posted July 7, 2011 I had a wonderful relationship with a women that could not go further because both of us were otherwise committed at the time. Over the years we have kept in touch and some patterns have emerged that are very painful for me. At all times I have been responsive to her when she tries to touch base. In general so has she. One of the reasons we did not take things further after a very amazing work / creative and personal mutually supporting relationship was because she expressed a lot of concern around abandonment and seemed to also be in a situation that she needed to work out from the inside. Here is the problem I have that really hurts me and has for years: She has a pattern of closing off somewhat suddenly and does not later want to talk about it or clear it up. Many people do this - patience is the key. No big deal. But in her case she has on several occasions over the last few years basically said the following: "I need to get you out of my head. Do not call, email, txt. etc. I need space" All three times she has done this she has been angry or seemed hurt. I have given space of many months until, generally, hearing from her again. The kicker is that when we do connect she tells me point blank and with a lot of feeling that I should ignore these statements. That they are in the moment feelings. That they are forgotten in days on her end... This has happened again recently. I feel very confused and hurt. When we were close and she pushed an issue to the side I found ways to bring it up gently and work it out and be closer as a result. For her to say I should ignore such direct requests for space during our friendship causes a great deal of confusion. I feel emotionally manipulated. - I can not bring myself to ignore a direct request. - but I can not be in a limbo of sorts either - I need closure. - I do not know if she is in essence trying to push off the closure or 'in the moment angry/hurt' etc. Please help / provide any insights. thanks in advance.
stace79 Posted July 7, 2011 Posted July 7, 2011 I'm confused. Were you ever together romantically? If not, have you told her directly you really like her/enjoy her company and want to pursue something with her?
vsmini Posted July 7, 2011 Posted July 7, 2011 She sounds emotionally unavailable and what's worse is that she's been giving you this flip-flopping behavior for years. There is no reason why you think she will ever change. She has a pattern of closing off somewhat suddenly and does not later want to talk about it or clear it up. Many people do this - patience is the key. No big deal. Many people are emotionally immature - you are right. Patience is not key. It takes a wise person to know when to walk away from a bad deal. A lot of people tolerate crap behavior for years and think of themselves as patient wrong - it means you're accepting behavior that makes you upset and that, in turn, makes you a doormat. She's sending mixed signals but one thing is very clear - she doesn't know what she wants and you're making it very easy on her in the way that you've become her fallback boy. Find something better.
Author windmiles Posted July 7, 2011 Author Posted July 7, 2011 We were together romantically and very serious. Instead of ending the relationship clearly because of changes in our lives this pattern started.
Author windmiles Posted July 7, 2011 Author Posted July 7, 2011 "She's sending mixed signals but one thing is very clear - she doesn't know what she wants and you're making it very easy on her in the way that you've become her fallback boy." I hear you. I have to have closure one way or the other and she seems to not want that closure. I agree with the fallback analogy but I was the person with the breaks on for a long time trying to take it slower. I think I have the option of walking away without a statement or pushing back, get the closure I am asking, and moving on. Pushing back on this crap is what she is used to from others and could be felt as agressive and not following direct wishes. Not pushing back is allowing the crap and lack of closure.
vsmini Posted July 7, 2011 Posted July 7, 2011 When my ex wasn't giving me what I wanted I was constantly looking for closure and then I realized there was little he could do or say that would satisfy this need for closure. It took a damn long time but the cliche is right: Closure comes from within. Better letting it go and moving on. You'll get your closure. The sooner you cut contact the faster it will get to you.
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