Depressed Lad Posted July 7, 2011 Posted July 7, 2011 So, I broke up with my girlfriend after 12 months together and I literally cannot stop thinking about her!! She treated me badly throughout and in a very manipulative manner made me feel as though I was not as good as her and that I will never find anyone as good as her. Nasty comments about my looks, my clothes, my apartment, my friends, my prospects, my lifestyle all chipped away at my confidence and self esteem. This was coupled with thinly veiled threats about other lads wanting her, ex boyfriends chasing her, everyone fancying her. I never thought any of this was bothering me, but now I am at rock bottom and in my head I am never gonna find anyone and she is this amazing princess who everyone is mesmerised by and really fancies- my friends and family all try to drill it home to me that she really wasn't all that, and that I will easily find someone, however right now I have her on such a pedestal that it is not working and I am obsessing over her. I sit in work in my boring job looking at her facebook profile- not the actual page just her little picture that always suggest she is having such a great time, I imagine her with a lad from work that she told me she couldnt wait to have sex with, I imagine her meeting up with her ex who she constantly spoke about throughout our relationship, I imagine her going on dates and living a happy lovely life. It has been 2 weeks of solid NC now, and it is driving me insane. I know that this girl was nasty, no good and would drag me down, but I miss her so so much that I am oblivious to the comments of my friends and family and so jealous of her being with anyone else, couple this with me worrying I will never meet anyone and it is a sad miserable time for me.
stray Posted July 7, 2011 Posted July 7, 2011 Don't fret. Whether she's going out and having a great time (which she isn't as much as you think she is), you still deserve someone better than her. No decent partner devalues you the way she did. Please have faith you'll soon find someone with more class; someone you can respect. Listen to your family and friends, they can see the picture better than you can.
ScienceGal Posted July 7, 2011 Posted July 7, 2011 You broke up with her? Has she tried to contact you at all? I would give it another week to let her reflect, and for you to possibly to gain some perspective. As much as it hurts, just try to give it time. Whatever you do, if you contact her, do it when your emotions are NOT running wild. And call just to check in, not to tell her you miss her. If she treated you poorly she needs to recognize that and want to change it. Let her do the work.
Author Depressed Lad Posted July 7, 2011 Author Posted July 7, 2011 You broke up with her? Has she tried to contact you at all? I would give it another week to let her reflect, and for you to possibly to gain some perspective. As much as it hurts, just try to give it time. Whatever you do, if you contact her, do it when your emotions are NOT running wild. And call just to check in, not to tell her you miss her. If she treated you poorly she needs to recognize that and want to change it. Let her do the work. I found messages on her phone arranging to go and meet up with her ex... And at that point I knew I had to walk away... My life seems so boring, pointless and worthless right now, and in my head she is having the time of her life. She has not contacted me at all, she has set up a new facebook- with a picture of a lad from work who she told me "I can't wait to f**k on our works do this weekend", all her friends and family have deleted me, she has fully blocked me as if I didn't exist and don't matter one bit.
FinOuch Posted July 7, 2011 Posted July 7, 2011 I know everyone says this...but it's true. It will get easier. Two weeks is still very new, and it'll probably be a couple/few more weeks before you get past the "going crazy" stage. Even after that, she'll pop into your mind constantly - but not in a driving-you-nuts sort of way. There's a couple of things you should probably work on, though: 1) You're putting this girl on a pedastal. From what you've written, she certainly doesn't seem like a "princess". She's no good, and the sooner you realize this and stop believing her to be the best you can do...the better. Instead of thinking how great she was, try thinking of how great she wasn't. Make a list of things you won't miss. It does help. Likewise, make a list of all the things about you that are great. Aim for just ten. It may be really hard to do at first, but as time passes you'll rediscover your awesomeness and it will definitely help get past the feelings of never meeting someone new again. 2) Stop looking at her profile picture. I know it's hard as h*ll (and in time the urge to e-stalk her will start to dwindle down to a manageable level)...but in the meantime just to try make a conscious effort to avoid and remove all memory triggers (photos, momentos, whatever). When the idea pops into your head to look at her FB picture, remind yourself that it's not healthy and will yourself not to look. For a number of weeks, I had to put myself on a 24 hour timer to do this. When I got the urge to check up on him, I forced myself to wait until the following day. You spend more time waiting than looking this way, and eventually you reach a point of not wanting to look anymore. And also, try to remember that she's just camwh*ring in all these new FB pics. It's what many girls do when they're down. They compensate by going nuts with a camera and projecting to the world how absolutely fantastic everything is. Those photos of her having a great time likely aren't accurate of what's really going on internally.
Author Depressed Lad Posted July 7, 2011 Author Posted July 7, 2011 It is so much easier for a girl to move on than a lad though... They only have to put on their hair and make up, a little dress, fake tan and heels and they have their pick of any bar they go to.. Leaving me like a lost ****ing puppy at home wondering what she is doing!
lonelynyc Posted July 7, 2011 Posted July 7, 2011 It is so much easier for a girl to move on than a lad though... They only have to put on their hair and make up, a little dress, fake tan and heels and they have their pick of any bar they go to.. Leaving me like a lost ****ing puppy at home wondering what she is doing! If you're jealous of how women can go out there and easily pick up horny, drunk losers at a bar, your mentality needs some adjustment. Ending up with the wrong one is what got you (and me, actually) in this position to begin with. All of my friends in their early 20s like I am are telling me to go out there and **** random chicks. I think that would just make me loath myself even more. You have to talk to an older guy, someone who has been there done that and knows all about heartbreak. My friend in his 50s gave me the best advice I have received thus far: if she brought you down and wasn't there for you when you needed her the way you needed her she never loved you and she isn't worth it. This girl verbally abused you, on what seems like a constant basis. In my case, my ex turned into the coldest person in the world when I needed her the most, dealing with my father's terminal illness. Life is hard enough, you don't need to be with someone who makes it that much more difficult and painful. I was drawn in by her beauty, but the soul underneath was not as pure as I thought.
FinOuch Posted July 7, 2011 Posted July 7, 2011 If you're jealous of how women can go out there and easily pick up horny, drunk losers at a bar, your mentality needs some adjustment. Major QFE.
radiodarcy Posted July 7, 2011 Posted July 7, 2011 (edited) It is so much easier for a girl to move on than a lad though... They only have to put on their hair and make up, a little dress, fake tan and heels and they have their pick of any bar they go to.. Leaving me like a lost ****ing puppy at home wondering what she is doing! trust me this is not always the case. not for me at least. yes - - i've been told i'm attractive and can easily pick up a man if i fixed myself up a bit but there is so much competition to get noticed and there will always be someone who looks better. looks are not the be all end all of attraction. i'm the one who is struggling. my ex is a guy and even though i think he is very attractive- - conventionally speaking he's not. but -- being the charming, extroverted, jack of all trades that he is - - has had no problem whatsoever meeting other women. it didn't help that he rubbed my nose in the fact while supposedly being my friend. i soon came to my senses and went NC 4 months ago. and it is the best thing i could have done for myself. do yourself a favor and do i've been doing - - try focusing on yourself and your interests. especially ones that will help you engage your mind and thought process on something that will distract you from thinking about your ex and what she's up to; whether it's reading, playing music, art. try to stay away from more passive interests like video games and watching television. those will only keep you partially engaged making it easier for thoughts of her to creep up on you. but also allow yourself to experience the full range of emotions - - but in a healthy way - - like coming on here and venting. or spending time with friends - -avoid mutual friends of you and your ex if you can for the time being; as that may increase the temptation on your part to find out what she's up to. trust me - - you do not want to know what she's up to right now - - it will only make you feel worse and wanting to reach out to her. it will also further enforce the feeling of powerlessness you are going through now. if you need to see a counsellor, by all means, go. whenever i'm tempted to contact my ex or e-stalk him - - i remind myself of how terrible i felt when i did so and how much worse i would feel if i saw his smiling mug standing next to some beautiful girl. it's not worth it. we have allowed our exes to have far too much control over our well-being. it is time to take the power back. Edited July 7, 2011 by radiodarcy
radiodarcy Posted July 7, 2011 Posted July 7, 2011 She treated me badly throughout and in a very manipulative manner made me feel as though I was not as good as her and that I will never find anyone as good as her. Nasty comments about my looks, my clothes, my apartment, my friends, my prospects, my lifestyle all chipped away at my confidence and self esteem. This was coupled with thinly veiled threats about other lads wanting her, ex boyfriends chasing her, everyone fancying her. the ex did this to me as well. he supposedly did it in a helpful way - - to help me be the best i could be - - so he said . pure rubbish. he did it because he has no send of self of his own. it bothered him to see me having my own interests and sense of self so he felt as though he had to tear me down in order to make himself feel better. and it worked. his criticisms weighed so heavily upon me, i had to see a counsellor and go on medication. now that i am in NC i am having the opportunity to re-build my own self-esteem and interests and also view him from a distance and take him off of that pedestal. i now see him for the weak-minded, insecure man that he is. and in time, you will come to view your ex in the same way. it will take time but eventually you will see that you are better off without her.
radiodarcy Posted July 7, 2011 Posted July 7, 2011 She treated me badly throughout and in a very manipulative manner made me feel as though I was not as good as her and that I will never find anyone as good as her. Nasty comments about my looks, my clothes, my apartment, my friends, my prospects, my lifestyle all chipped away at my confidence and self esteem. This was coupled with thinly veiled threats about other lads wanting her, ex boyfriends chasing her, everyone fancying her. the ex did this to me as well. he supposedly did it in a helpful way - - to help me be the best i could be - - so he said . pure rubbish. he did it because he has no sense of self; no identity. it bothered him to see me having my own interests and identity of him. so he felt as though he had to tear me down in order to make himself feel better. and it worked. his criticisms weighed so heavily upon me, i had to see a counsellor and go on medication. now that i am in NC i am having the opportunity to re-build my own self-esteem and interests and also view him from a distance and take him off of that pedestal. i now see him for the weak-minded, insecure man that he is. and in time, you will come to view your ex in the same way. it will take time but eventually you will see that you are better off without her.
stray Posted July 7, 2011 Posted July 7, 2011 Oh my god, no, Depressed Lad, that's what tramps do. No woman with class rebounds with a bunch of douchebags because "she can". At the expense of sounding like an ego maniac, I would say without a doubt I'm substantially attractive. I was dumped 2.5 months ago, and guess what? I haven't had sex in 3 months. Why? Because just "getting with people" doesn't solve a damn thing, it makes you feel worse, and puts you at risk for STDs, etc. Additionally, rebounders KNOW in their heart it won't work if you're not actually over your ex. It just WON'T. Women who want something solid don't rebound with random dudes in bars. Women who do that kind of thing co-dependent and gross.
Chi townD Posted July 7, 2011 Posted July 7, 2011 Well, if she said all those cruel things that she said to you. Then.......GOOD RIDDANCE!!!! I mean, come on! SHe tells you that she can't wait to screw some dude! She's making appointments to meet up with an Ex WHILE she's dating you?!?! Dude, you deserve soooo much better. And don't sit around the apartment wallowing....If she get wind of that...then that will make her day. Go out! Hang out with friends, do something you've never done before! I have a feeling, sooner or later she MIGHT make contact with you. IGNORE HER!!! Time to start healing.
ScienceGal Posted July 7, 2011 Posted July 7, 2011 Not all women are like that (including me). I actually expect my ex to move on, if he already hasn't (it's been 3 weeks). He's dated a lot, I go for long term relationships. It's a difference in character and has nothing to do with gender. She does not deserve you. So, cry it out, get mad, get drunk (don't drunk dial), exercise... do whatever you have to get it out. It will take time, but you will get over her and meet someone new. And remember: being with her is asking for a lifetime of misery. And lastly, give yourself a break. The one person you should care about right now is you!
ScienceGal Posted July 7, 2011 Posted July 7, 2011 and it seems she is looking mainly to irritate you by moving on so quickly. It's very childish and selfish. Don't let her see you upset by it! Good luck
geegirl Posted July 7, 2011 Posted July 7, 2011 "She treated me badly throughout and in a very manipulative manner made me feel as though I was not as good as her and that I will never find anyone as good as her. Nasty comments about my looks, my clothes, my apartment, my friends, my prospects, my lifestyle all chipped away at my confidence and self esteem. This was coupled with thinly veiled threats about other lads wanting her, ex boyfriends chasing her, everyone fancying her." = AMAZING PRINCESS!!! WOW!! Your thinking is so skewed. Your life is boring and lifeless because there is no more drama. You were so addicted to the rollercoaster that normalcy now is abnormal to you. Granted you miss her and love her, but really, she is not a princess. You miss someone paying attention to you, eventhough it was negative attention. You're like an addict. You know it is bad for you but you want it. As you heal you will realise that it's better to be alone than to be with someone that manipulates and abuses you. The saying, "It's better to be alone than to be with someone and still feel alone." I bet you were alone in this because it doesn't sound like she supported, cared, and loved you in a healthy and nurturing way. You think little of yourself. You'll settle for whatever gets dished out just because you need to be with someone. Doesn't matter how unhealthy or how detrimental it is to you. You've romantisized an unhealthy situation and now you're sitting there feeling like you lost the next best thing. You didn't. You'll see this in time. Keep reading all the bad things she's done. If you really feel that you lost a princess, your expectations are sorely very low. Learn to love yourself, work on your self esteem and you will want much more for yourself than an abusive and manipulative partner.
Author Depressed Lad Posted July 8, 2011 Author Posted July 8, 2011 WOW thank you for all the replies, some really really good advice in there. I am an intelligent lad and fully understand everything that is being said- I do deserve better, I would have been signing up for a life time of torture and misery, I would have ended up with no self respect or self esteem and literally so jealous and insecure that I would have lost my mind. I also understand that all her silly little tricks and pictures with the new guy etc etc are designed to rile me- and whilst it does hurt, it also highlights the character of the girl I am dealing with. When I met her I would never have stood for this for 1 minute, it would have been TEXTS TO YOUR EX?? SEE YA.... But now I am so involved in this whole sorry situation, that even tho my family are screaming at me to fix up and stop being such a loser, I am really struggling, she is occupying my every thought, I feel as though I need to meet someone quickly to replace her to fill the void in my life as normal life is so mundane and nothing seems to hold importance or relevance. So although I know all the right things to think and to do, I am still finding myself lying in bed running over scenario's of her with the guy from work, doing what we used to do, being happy and forgetting about me.
Sugarkane Posted July 8, 2011 Posted July 8, 2011 Depressed Lad your ex sounds like the female version of my ex, seriously. My ex is massively arrogant and had to put me down infront of others, just so he could feel good about himself. No matter what DON'T break NC and give into her massive ego. This woman isn't a princess, she's a slut! Take the rose coloured glasses off and you'll see.
radiodarcy Posted July 8, 2011 Posted July 8, 2011 So although I know all the right things to think and to do, I am still finding myself lying in bed running over scenario's of her with the guy from work, doing what we used to do, being happy and forgetting about me. it's normal to do this. it's all part of the de-toxing process. i used to do this all the time during the first several weeks of NC. but after awhile i would just firmly tell myself "there's nothing i can do about it" and the image would vanish from my head.if it popped back into my head again - - i would tell myself the same and so on. after about a month or two i found that the images got to be less and less and by the third month i really had no desire to even summon up those images at all. it really does get better. you just have to be patient with yourself. i don't know why but for some reason it's the ones who treat us the worst who seem to get the best of us. but not for long - - overtime you will start to re-build your self-esteem and get back to the person you were before you met such a toxic individual
Author Depressed Lad Posted July 9, 2011 Author Posted July 9, 2011 So, the ex very subtley broke the NC rule... I was completely blocked on Facebook, and although I know I shouldnt I did keep seeing if I was still blocked. 2 weeks in she has unblocked me, and put on a picture from 2 years ago that she knows I find very attractive. She has also become friends with her ex, and every lad she ever had sex with. My stomach feels sick. All this when she knows I am going away with my mates in a few days time. Historically we broke up once before and then got engaged in a silly little tit-for-tat battle like this, she would add me, i would accept, we would talk, we would meet, we would have sex, declare our love and get back together. I am really struggling today to stay strong through this.
geegirl Posted July 9, 2011 Posted July 9, 2011 You broke the NC rule. NC means NC means no checking Facebook.
CaliBabe Posted July 11, 2011 Posted July 11, 2011 You did the right thing by breaking up with her. You knew you weren't being treated well and you did something about it! That takes balls. Make her respect you and know that you are NOT a doormat. Stick with NC and show yourself how much you value YOU. Good luck, things will get better in time
Chi townD Posted July 12, 2011 Posted July 12, 2011 DUDE!!! No Facebook, no twitter...nothing!! You need to heal yourself and stop the torture of these childish games she's playing! You don't need any part of that!
Author Depressed Lad Posted July 12, 2011 Author Posted July 12, 2011 Firstly, I know I am breaking NC, but I cannot help myself.. I sit in my workplace bored in front of a computer, my mind wanders and I find myself looking at things I know I shouldn't... Anyway, following on from no reaction to the blocking/unblocking... Tomorrow I go away with my mates... all of us are going on holiday.. I had been bracing myself for some sort of trick/head**** from the ex... and there it is, sure as hell.... She has unlocked her twitter account... I know I shouldnt look but I have.. And she has posted such gems as "verrry distracted.. too many men" and talking about going to a christening with another lad, who she used to see before me... I am trying my very best not to let it affect me, but I feel sick and I am so upset by this... Help.. I can't have my holiday ruined
Mack05 Posted July 12, 2011 Posted July 12, 2011 Help.. I can't have my holiday ruined The ONLY person that can ruin your holiday is you...A holiday is a fanastic opportunity, to help your healing and you are going to use this precious time obsessing about your ex!?Are you kidding me with this!? I mean in our lives we get 2 weeks a year in general to relax, have fun, to truly be ourselves and you are going to waste that precious time over a girl that posts on twitter "too many men"... Honestly, some people seem determined to self destruct..
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