windmiles Posted July 7, 2011 Posted July 7, 2011 (edited) I had a wonderful relationship with a women that could not go further because both of us were otherwise committed at the time. Over the years we have kept in touch and some patterns have emerged that are very painful for me. At all times I have been responsive to her when she tries to touch base. In general so has she. One of the reasons we did not take things further after a very amazing work / creative and personal mutually supporting relationship was because she expressed a lot of concern around abandonment and seemed to also be in a situation that she needed to work out from the inside. Here is the problem I have that really hurts me and has for years: She has a pattern of closing off somewhat suddenly and does not later want to talk about it or clear it up. Many people do this - patience is the key. No big deal. But in her case she has on several occasions over the last few years basically said the following: "I need to get you out of my head. Do not call, email, txt. etc. I need space" All three times she has done this she has been angry or seemed hurt. I have given space of many months until, generally, hearing from her again. The kicker is that when we do connect she tells me point blank and with a lot of feeling that I should ignore these statements. That they are in the moment feelings. That they are forgotten in days on her end... This has happened again recently. I feel very confused and hurt. When we were close and she pushed an issue to the side I found ways to bring it up gently and work it out and be closer as a result. For her to say I should ignore such direct requests for space during our friendship causes a great deal of confusion. I feel emotionally manipulated. - I can not bring myself to ignore a direct request. - but I can not be in a limbo of sorts either - I need closure. - I do not know if she is in essence trying to push off the closure or 'in the moment angry/hurt' etc. Please help / provide any insights. thanks in advance. Edited July 7, 2011 by windmiles Better title
thatone Posted July 7, 2011 Posted July 7, 2011 you are being manipulated. she's using you for attention when the man she has isn't giving her what she wants. when she gets content with whoever that is again she pushes you away. so stop being manipulated, never talk to her again. life is too short to spend your time appeasing selfish people.
vsmini Posted July 7, 2011 Posted July 7, 2011 I don't really believe in Soul Mates but I suppose that is neither here nor there. The person you should be spending the rest of your life with (aka - soul mate) would not have you in question like this. She isn't what you want, as badly as you want it. Go out there and find someone who is.
thatone Posted July 7, 2011 Posted July 7, 2011 If she has abandonment issues, then her pushing you away is a test. If you refuse to leave, then you are proving that you won't abandon her at some point. When you agree with her wishes and leave, then you are validating her fears. not arguing that such a thing doesn't exist, but that's about the most stupid notion ever and most men will take her up on the offer to leave without a second thought. that's not a valid course of action. it's a flaw in herself that she needs to correct.
vsmini Posted July 7, 2011 Posted July 7, 2011 Agreed. It's something that alot of insecure women do though. Agreed. I'm guilty of this in my past and it took someone leaving me in the DUST because of it- in order to realize that my behavior was downright STUPID. This was a good guy, quality guy that I tried to test. I'm thankful for that guy teaching me the lesson. Be her lesson.
Author windmiles Posted July 8, 2011 Author Posted July 8, 2011 When we were close she used to tell me about abandonment issues at times. She used to push me away in small ways and because we were close enough I could tell it was fear and I found good, strong, kind ways to push through the BS. So she does have abandonment issues. But I still do not know the best next step - IF - I choose to try any.
Author windmiles Posted July 8, 2011 Author Posted July 8, 2011 yes - I know she was angry that I did not pursue her. Oddly - the primary reason now is I do not know I can trust her to be true to her words.
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