Green21 Posted July 7, 2011 Posted July 7, 2011 It's now been 22 days since my ex broke up with me and I haven't heard a peep from her since. The last contact I made with her was a (long) letter which she received a couple of days later. I've no idea if she read it but if I assume she went through it on that day then it's been 20 days no contact. I'm starting to enjoy a single life again and living solely for myself. I've paid a lot more attention to my favourite hobbies, although the reason I hadn't before was because of workload and nothing to do with being with my ex (our interests are the same). For the most part, the distraction has been welcome and I'd been coping with not being able to see her, speak to her or make her feel wanted/feel like she wanted me. However, when I've been on my own over the last few days I can't get her out of my head. Walking home last night after going out for drinks with friends, all I could think about was the relationship. Everything was perfect, so how could she break things up so casually? Why didn't she talk things over with me first? Does she honestly think she could do better with someone else? More than anything, though, how could she say she loved me and seem 100% committed to our future one minute (if a minute happened to be 11.5 months) and then next minute shut me out of her life completely? I feel like she's forgotten I even exist and that all the time and trouble we both went through (and being in a LDR meant a huge effort from us both) was for nothing. Last night, I even dreamt of her. In my dream, we were aruging, with me asking her how she could go from what we had to this; why I'd tried to reach out to her after the breakup only to be ignored completely. Her response was obviously something in my head so it doesn't matter much. I can't remember what it was I had her say anyway. I'm beginning to figure out my own answers for why the breakup happened. Due to stress at work, I'd become cold and distant, but the response I had from a friend was that if she loved me she would have stood through it instead of this. So my reasons probably aren't right either. I'd appreciate any advice. I thought things were starting to pick up, and they were, but I just feel like this is setting me back.
dreamscape123 Posted July 7, 2011 Posted July 7, 2011 Sorry to hear things seem to be catching up with you emotionally . Even though she didnt talk your problems through does not mean they were not going through her mind before, and perhaps she just failed to comunicate them to you bud... It comes as a massive shock to the dumpee when their partner seems to just leave out of the blue when things seem great from our side of things... Trust me... I know exactly how that feels... Mine was 19 months then suddenly no more... There is a great post on here about G.I.G.S.. have a read.... it is very eye opening, and could well be what has happened in your case, as it sure is what happened in mine... and also this sort of thing seems to be happening to so many people round here at the moment... some sort of summer thing....
dark_perfect Posted July 7, 2011 Posted July 7, 2011 It's now been 22 days since my ex broke up with me and I haven't heard a peep from her since. The last contact I made with her was a (long) letter which she received a couple of days later. I've no idea if she read it but if I assume she went through it on that day then it's been 20 days no contact. I'm starting to enjoy a single life again and living solely for myself. I've paid a lot more attention to my favourite hobbies, although the reason I hadn't before was because of workload and nothing to do with being with my ex (our interests are the same). For the most part, the distraction has been welcome and I'd been coping with not being able to see her, speak to her or make her feel wanted/feel like she wanted me. However, when I've been on my own over the last few days I can't get her out of my head. Walking home last night after going out for drinks with friends, all I could think about was the relationship. Everything was perfect, so how could she break things up so casually? Why didn't she talk things over with me first? Does she honestly think she could do better with someone else? More than anything, though, how could she say she loved me and seem 100% committed to our future one minute (if a minute happened to be 11.5 months) and then next minute shut me out of her life completely? I feel like she's forgotten I even exist and that all the time and trouble we both went through (and being in a LDR meant a huge effort from us both) was for nothing. Last night, I even dreamt of her. In my dream, we were aruging, with me asking her how she could go from what we had to this; why I'd tried to reach out to her after the breakup only to be ignored completely. Her response was obviously something in my head so it doesn't matter much. I can't remember what it was I had her say anyway. I'm beginning to figure out my own answers for why the breakup happened. Due to stress at work, I'd become cold and distant, but the response I had from a friend was that if she loved me she would have stood through it instead of this. So my reasons probably aren't right either. I'd appreciate any advice. I thought things were starting to pick up, and they were, but I just feel like this is setting me back. Wow, this sounds familiar. I've just been through a similar experience myself. I was fine at first, but I had a week off work about a month afterwards and I completely fell to pieces. I was on my own, and that's bad, as I was left to torture myself and wonder what went so wrong. I think it was a combination of bottling it up and keeping busy through work that delayed the pain. The reason my ex gave for the break up was that we weren't able to see each other enough recently, and if we're struggling now, how would she cope when she goes back to university in september? Part of the reason we weren't seeing each other was because I had become so invested in my work, and my decision to do so is now something I really regret. Not an hour or two ago I found a message from her that she had sent me a couple of months ago saying how she had never trusted anyone as much as she trusted me and she didn't deserve me etc etc. So i can relate to it coming out of the blue a bit, too. It must be tough not to have heard from her though. That's what is different for me. I've been in almost constant contact, in an attempt to remain friends with the girl. We're going to dinner on Friday to discuss how we feel (although I will still tell her that I want her back. Whether this is a good idea isn't up for debate ). I'm hoping it helps, but I'll let you know. As for advice, you seem to be in a better position than me, as you probably will have seen that NC (no contact) is recommended in the majority of situations, and whilst you may not like it, your ex seems to be imposing this on you anyway. I know if it were me, I'd want an answer for what went wrong, as I'm terrible at not letting things play on my mind. If you're like me, then I guess you could ask to meet up to discuss things over coffee perhaps, but I wouldn't want to make it sound like you're going to try and get her back. Maybe just tell her you have some questions or things to say. Other people may disagree, and I'm hardly qualified to suggest things, as I'm struggling with my own breakup at the moment too, but I hope that helps a bit. N
buster2209 Posted July 7, 2011 Posted July 7, 2011 Keep yourself busy and let time heal you. There really isn't anything else to say....
Mack05 Posted July 7, 2011 Posted July 7, 2011 I posted this on another thread Green. Hope it helps.. "I was doing the same and I spoke to my Therapist about it. She told me as soon as my mind started to wonder towards my ex, to stop myself and turn it back inwards towards me. I hadn't a clue what she meant by that at the time, but now it makes sense. She said we focus on the other person (and their faults), because sometimes we don't want to have to face the pain of grieving for the relationship. That's completely understandable. Dealing with emotions and feelings can be a very uncomfortable process, no wonder we want to put it off.. You are doing great in your recovery, but going over these kind of thoughts in your head will only slow down your progress. A few idea's how to stop focusing on these kind of thoughts -> In the future when these kind of thoughts come into your head, write them down on paper. Maybe as a diary entry (don't edit it, whatever is in your head write it down). Maybe write a letter to your ex, but never send it. I found writing, when I was over thinking/over analyzing to be very Theraputic. If you don't feel like writing, maybe take a long walk, or work out. Call a friend or family member and discuss anything but your ex. Maybe come on here and offer people advice. Another idea is mediation. This is not everyone's cup of tea, many sceptics out there. Here is a post from HeartofaPhoenix. Maybe it's worth a try? ""Meditation find a comfortable chair, close your eyes, and focus on your breathing (think "IN" when you inhale, think "OUT" when you exhale) after you have focused on your breathing for about a minute, imagine yourself in a VERY relaxing place (most comfortable chair, lying on the beach, ect... ect...) after you reach this relaxing place, just let your mind wonder. don't fight any thought that comes to your head just let it go through your mind and then let it go (kind of like you are watching a parade of your emotions as they approach you and eventually go out of sight). I did this for about 10 minutes per day after my break up. Even when I wasn't experiencing bad emotions The Release Technique find a comfortable chair, close your eyes, and focus on your breathing (think "IN" when you inhale, think "OUT" when you exhale) after you focus on your breathing for about a minute, Think of a situation that evokes a POWERFUL emotional response. Allow yourself to feel that emotion for a few seconds. Now ask yourself these questions: Could you Allow yourself to feel this emotion? and answer Yes or No Could you Try to let it go? answer yes or no (is it possible that you could try to let it go?) Could you Hold onto it? yes or no (if you say yes, you gain the power of knowing that you are holding onto it on purpose) Then go back to Could you Try to let it go? yes or no Now if you answered Yes to could you try to let it go, now ask yourself: When? This should allow you to see that you are intentionally holding onto toxic emotions, and in doing so will help you get rid of them. If it doesn't work for you the first time you do this try again tomorrow. this technique doesn't work for everyone on the first try. It is recommended that you do this technique at least 3 times on 3 separate days before you give up on it."
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