stupid girl getting to me/affecting relationship

[Samantha16]

Hi. I was just looking for some advice. My boyfriend of three years and I had broken up, and during this break up he made out with a girl who I know. Now, with getting back together with him, I'm finding out that this girl keeps saying sh*t about me and is keeping tabs on my personal business with my boyfriend).

 

Dealing with knowing they made out was tough enough on it's own, but now I'm just so angry knowing she's been saying things to make me look bad. The problem is, I feel I'm going to take all of this out on my boyfriend. I know it's not right, but lastnight I found out yet another thing she said about me, and I know when I see my boyfriend I'm just going to be pissed off. And my natural reaction is to make him feel bad about dumping me and making out with a girl whose been trash talking me.

 

The one thing I asked him to do, was to tell this girl to stay out of our personal life and to mind her own business and stop talking about us. But he's hesitant about it because he works with her, and he doesn't want to make the environment uncomfortable. I said, otherwise, I'm going to say something to her myself, and I'm not going to be nice about it, which in turn, knowing how this girl is, she'll probably try to fight with me and everything will become a big mess.

 

I'm trying to tell myself not to let these petty people bother me, but I can't help it. And if my boyfriend fails to say anything, I will be greatly offended that he didn't stick up for me. But as for now, I'm worried because I don't even want to see him I'm so mad, and I know I need time alone to cool off and think, but I'm afraid we'll just end up breaking up again and not get back together because of my inability to let things go. (Anger, grudge and sensitivity issue I have to work on).

 

I'm not sure what advice I'm really looking for, I just want to handle this situation appropriately and maturely. But as most of you know, when you're emotional and in the heat of the moment, you sometimes do the irrational thing. Am I right, or am I right?

thank you for reading my ridiculously long letter.

[Samantha16]

Well nobody responded to me. I`d appriciate any advice at all. But in a continuation to this episode, my boyfriend failed to stick up for me, and talk to the girl. Now he`s mad at me for being mad and for not just letting it go. Am I in the wrong? Or should he have stuck up for me? He completely turned it around, and now everything seems to be my fault, like I'm the raging bi*ch.

I'd really appriciate a response.

[midori]

Originally posted by Samantha16

The one thing I asked him to do, was to tell this girl to stay out of our personal life and to mind her own business and stop talking about us. But he's hesitant about it because he works with her, and he doesn't want to make the environment uncomfortable. I said, otherwise, I'm going to say something to her myself, and I'm not going to be nice about it, which in turn, knowing how this girl is, she'll probably try to fight with me and everything will become a big mess.

 

I can see why this would bother you, and even though you're trying not to be petty, I think this would be hard to ignore entirely.

 

I think your boyfriend ought to be able to address it with this girl like this:

 

"Look, you and I are friendly and I'd like to keep it that way. That's impossible with you saying bad things about my girlfriend. You're not helping anyone, including yourself, you just sound catty and bitter. I'm with Samantha, and that's it. Whether or not things between me and Samantha work out will have nothing to do with anything you say about her. So the only thing you're doing is making yourself look bad. I don't see why you and I should have a problem between us, and I'd rather be friends with you. So I'm asking you to stop being disrespectful about my girlfriend, because when you do that you are being disrespectful of me."

 

If he does that, that's all he can reasonably do. Lesson #1: hooking up with people from work might be tempting but it can lead to problems.

 

As for you, you need to let go of what happened when the two of you broke up. You weren't together. You can dwell on this, let it eat you up, or you can get over it and be happy with your boyfriend. If you're unable to do that, maybe the two of you aren't so good together after all -- because when a relationship is good, the good things are enough to outweigh the small petty stuff.

 

You can't stop her from saying nasty things about you. Asking your boyfriend to say something to her is reasonable, but you can't expect him to go on the warpath, either. She's a coworker, they have to be civil to each other.

[Samantha16]

Thank you sooo much for your reply. I`m especially thankful for the speech part. Everything you had to say was right on the money. Now, I`m going to print this out and read it a couple more times!

 

It`s very mind opening when you have an outside prespective. Everything is just coudy and confusing in my mind. Since we are just getting back together, and he`s mad at me now, I told him I need some time to cool off and get my thoughts together. I hope he understands. (He can be stubborn, as can I).

 

I hope this desision makes things work out for the better. I think it will, because hanging with him right now may just stir more emotions, and I`m likely to take it out on him.

again, thanks for the reply. bye.

[uriel]

I don't think you're going to like my answer as much. It's this: Your boyfriend's not responsible for anything this girl says or does. He should ignore her and so should you.

 

The only time he should say something to her is if she tries to trash-talk you to him or directly in front of him. Then, he should definitely tell her that's not okay.

 

Otherwise, you are keeping this drama of the breakup alive in your relationship. You're giving him an excuse to resent you and to talk to her. Get the attention off her and back on you as a couple.

 

You're not going to successfully punish him or her for making out. You'll either have to genuinely get over that or break up with him.

 

-- uriel

[Kelly67]

Why give her power? When you let someone control your feelings and make you inferior - you're giving them consent to do so.

 

Just like jealousy - when people know they are getting to you they do it that much more - kind of like a bully. If you act like it doesn't phase you and show your boyfriend he made a huge mistake because that girl doesn't have any class (but you do) - you'll come out ahead in the long run.

 

I've learned that as hard as it can be - ignoring people who try to get to you is the best solution. Once they realize they aren't blowing your skirt up they'll give up and move on.

 

Let your boyfriend know she's "insignificant". If they both see you unphased by her cattiness then they'll lose steam.

 

GOOD LUCK.

[Samantha16]

thank you for the other replies. The thing is, the girl WAS saying stuff about me to my boyfriend, trying to get him to hate me. (Starting rhumors). He believed her at first and confronted me. So I then had to clear things up with him. He knows she's starting trouble, and now he sees that she's jelous and just trying to get with him. She also was trying to get information out of his little sister. Asking personal questions about our relationship to see if she had a chance to steal him, and also trash talking me to his little sister.

 

And meanwhile, this girl was pretending to be my friend. We were hanging out on weekends with some mutual friends. I would've never suspected her to be doing this.

 

Like i said, when I found out about the kiss, I was like, whatever, I'll get over it, but to hear about her trash talking me and starting rhumors, that's a whole other story.

 

I know I could've ignored everything. But I had to let her know that I knew about what was going on. She thought I had no idea. So this weekend, I told her off (as maturely as I could, might i add). I didn't come off calling her a 'bitch' and stuff, I simply told her what I had heard, and told her to never talk about me and my boyfriend again. I said, if she ever hears anything about me, to forget about it and start being concerned with her own life. I said a lot of other stuff too, but the point is, she apoligized, and agreed to stay out of my business. So, we'll see how true that really is, but either way, I'm glad I stood up for myself, and that's all I can do.

 

As for my boyfriend, I think he could've stepped up a little. She was disrespecting the both of us. She was calling me down to HIM and his little sister. If someone was saying sh*t to me about my boyfriend, I would not hesitate for one minute to stick up for him. So I guess he's another story. Other then that, I've moved on from this episode. I feel better now, and I'm proud of myself. It's not everyday I stick up for myself. This is a big step for me. I feel stronger. I don't want to be the weak little girl that people can take advantage of.

[Mjfru]

Hey Samantha,

 

I feel where you are coming from. My gf and I had gone on something of a "break" around 2 months ago where she had made out with a guy. This guy used to be my friend and well I basically hate him now. He tries to act like nothing ever happened when it really did, and she tries to forget that she did it. She told me that she was sorry for what she did but that was about it. I too wanted her to talk to him about it to make sure that those two have "real" closer but that never happened. Now me and her are a complete wreck and if you want more info read my post.

 

But anyway the advice I have for you it that you should ignore the girl. Try your best. I know it may seem hard, but the attention you are putting forth to get rid of the girl, you could put towards you and your bf having a better relationship now. I know all of that sounds a little hard, but people will be people, you just should worry about you and your bf rather than her. You also should try to not be so furious at your bf. I know this is also a lot, and I'm still not really over the fact that she made out with someone other than "me". I'm another extremely jelous person as well. But what you have to remember is that you guys were split up at the time, so he must've figured that he could move on and you were or were going to move on anyway (unless you guys had arranged to get back together like me and my gf). If you had arranged to get back together, remember that he didn't have any limits while you were gone, so he probably went for. It probably didn't even mean anything to him, that is the number one thing that I know from my situation. When she did it, it didn't mean anything to her, it was just a spur of the moment and she has apologized for it. He probably still loves you . . . think about it. If you had made out with a guy during this "break", and it was just a moment, you wouldn't have lost any interest in your bf would you? It is simply human attraction, and sometimes people cannot hold back.

 

Anyway good luck with this