sleepykitten Posted July 7, 2011 Posted July 7, 2011 So, briefly my b/f finished with me 6 weeks ago, we have seen each other 3 times since, all initiated bu me (of course) did the usual thing at first of being a mess, felt so utterly despondent, but am much better now, started no contact!! But what i wanted to ask, as i see some of the responses on here are so spot on and informative is I am just trying to fugure out what went wrong, I think my ex is a bit of a mummys boy, i posted about this before, he lives with his parents, he's 36, pays nothing yet has a really good job, just socialises alot, mum does all washing ironing bedding etc. The first yr we were together my god he swept me off my feet, romance isnt the word, he wanted to be with me 24/7 there were mthly anniversary cards and presents, notes, texts the works. I was living then in a shared house recently split from husband and pretty reluctant to get involved but was soon seduced by this adoration. I moved into a flat and told him i didnt want him to live with me, he could have a key, a drawer etc but i needed to know i could manage financially on my own and try and be independent (my ex husband used to pay and do everything) so this was really important to me as i felt scared i would just end up relying on someone else. So he stayed round though 5-6 mights a week, never offered any help, money etc, i cooked, did his washing, drew the line at his ironing though!! After a yr together I noticed a significant change he didnt text like he used to, all the romantic stuff stoped, we never went out unless i suggested it, i asked if we could go out on a date, it took him 9 weeks to take me out to dinner. I used to do stuff to surprise him, weekends away i would pay for etc but he earnt more than me and never did that back or even said i'll treat you to a night out, and he practically did live rent free. Anyway things went down hill, i would try and talk find out what was going on, he would always say he loved me, how much he loved me, but his actions didnt mirror that. When I suggested finding a bigger flat for us both to rent he said yes, i was abroad at this time and via internet googled properties etc, he did nothing and when we went to the estate agent was like a sulky kid. He said renting was very expensive for not getting anything in return! When he was drunk 3 days later on a night out when i phoned we were arging over his lack of response to texts he shouted he didnt want to live with me. My birthday he made no effort, last yr i took him away he didnt even book a table for dinner i was really upset as thought he would at least on my bday try. he said he was devestated i was upset he was so sorry etc, of course he still wanted to be with me etc etc etc!! I gave him a month to turn it around, he said he wanted to and he would try he knew he had been rubbish and was sorry. Then 3 weeks into that, when he had made zero effort at all, i was asking him why he said he didnt know, i said please find out, he angrily said "This is over" I was so shocked as he always when i gave him the chance to walk away said he didnt want that, then he just said "youre not the one for me" This is the line i cant get past, he always said i was his one, made me in that 1st yr feel so adored, he still cant say why it was over for him, just that " we were both unhappy, it wasnt working" i knew why i wasnt happy he had changed so much and become so complacent. Yet that "youre not the one for me" haunts me as i just think who dod you think you are, like he could have the pick of anyone, thats how it sounded. He hasnt had a long term relationship where he has lived with just a g/f, we were 2 yrs, his last was 3 yrs and they lived together for a yr but with her sister and husband, they had a break and when back together in bed one day she asked where it was going she wanted to make the next step, he said "i dont love you anymore" and moved out the next day. I guess at least he didnt say that.... So i guess i am asking all you guys that are good at the psycology to tell me, whats this guy like...I think apart from being a bit of a mummys boy (they really really adored each other not just a nice i get on with my mum), maybe he had commitment issues, but at the beginning he said he wanted to get married etc. Help me to understand this type of person as i am thinking what did i do wrong, i was always honest, maybe too honest, never played mind games, treated him well....? Any advice will be so welcome, i want to move on.x
Author sleepykitten Posted July 7, 2011 Author Posted July 7, 2011 Hi Homebrew, yes i do feel i have dodged a bullet, i guess I just wanted a bit of an insight into what those issues he has are, kind of will help me to know it wasnt my fault, and to move on, am not out to fix him at all as i dont have any contact with him, and know its not for me to tell him anyway. So...what tonne of issues, i have been trying to understand what happened and whats going on with him, would help if you could expand a little on what you said. thanks
Author sleepykitten Posted July 7, 2011 Author Posted July 7, 2011 I guess i have read many of your posts and really wanted your wisdom on this! And anyone else who has any thoughts, it really helps to get feedback as i live alone and dont really talk to friends about this stuff as am sure they dont want to keep hearing about it, and so much stuff i read has already helped, theres just this unanswered question about his character/traits etc that i would just like some insight on to help me understand and also not make the same mistake again!
Author sleepykitten Posted July 7, 2011 Author Posted July 7, 2011 To cut to the chase... 1. Your Ex has a tons of issues! his issues, I doubt he ever will. Your Ex is a bad BF, partner and he would be a bad husband if you married him. You cannot fix him and he will never be the guy that you saw the first year of the relationship. You are in love with someone that does not exist! The sooner you can be honest with yourself about who your Ex really is, that this guy is bad news for you... the sooner you will start to heal and move on from this. Even if you direct me to a relevent post, that would help, just feel desperate to know/understand-guess its the nurse in me always needing answers, what issues do you think he has, i dont want to fix him, i just want to know so i can breath a sigh of relief and think its ok, he wasnt the one of me by a long shot.
buster2209 Posted July 7, 2011 Posted July 7, 2011 Your ex wants a Mom, not a g/f. He broke up with you because you wanted a partner and he wanted you to wipe his ass and make him dinner. The guy is a grade A loser. He did you a favour breaking up with you. You can do way better than him.
Author sleepykitten Posted July 7, 2011 Author Posted July 7, 2011 I have no intention of even attempting to fix him, i just wanted an insight into what his issues are from someone who knows about this stuff, simply to satisfy my curiosity and help me understand and put my mind at rest. I am not going to see him i dont want him back, but i just wanted some feedback to what you thought and some in depth answers i guess to what those ton oof issues are that he has. When we split up i did fall apart but have done all i can to be healthy, self help stuff, meditation, gym, etc, this forum has been a god send!
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