Cee Posted July 7, 2011 Posted July 7, 2011 (edited) I am completely at a loss with a friend so I wanted to turn here for guidance. He has been in therapy for 3 years, so that piece of advice is being done. I have a friend who is in his mid 40s and is desperate to get married and have kids. He has been on a quest for this for a few years and I thought he was too picky and superficial, but I think it's much deeper. He commented yesterday that he has never felt love or said "I love you" to anyone. Not friends nor girlfriends. He says he only likes them when chasing them and then feels dead inside. He thinks that he will feel love when the right woman comes along. When he talks about his dream woman, his criteria are superficial and read like a dating profile - must be under 33, be an "art chick," have an edgy look like tattoos, and good conversationalist. He never talks about her being warm and caring. I hate to say this, but I think he seems hopeless. He doesn't know what love is so how can he feel it. He had a 18 month relationship with a woman who everybody thought was a catch. She was warm and loving and was an artist. She'd make him presents that he still has in the house. He speaks fondly of her, but he said he liked doing things with her, but he never loved her. I tried to describe what love was. I talked about feelings and caring actions and simply wanting to be with someone, not get kids out of them. He acted like he didn't understand nor care. I am pulling my hair out. I think it's time to give up trying to be his wing woman. I need to detach from this situation because it seems tragic. I thought everyone was capable of finding love, but maybe some people can't feel love. Does anyone know anyone like this? Do they ever change? He definitely doesn't have Aspberger's, but he is a little dense in the emotions department. And he is in therapy to learn to feel (3 years and counting), but he still substitutes emotion with thought. Thanks. Edit: Are there any good books on this topic? My friend likes to read about this stuff. Edited July 7, 2011 by Cee
Dust Posted July 7, 2011 Posted July 7, 2011 40 years old and never been in love would be a better way of describing the situation. 40 year old “love virgin” makes it sound like he’s never had a girlfriend, more specifically never had sex. Don’t you fit that description of his perfect girl?
Author Cee Posted July 7, 2011 Author Posted July 7, 2011 40 years old and never been in love would be a better way of describing the situation. 40 year old “love virgin” makes it sound like he’s never had a girlfriend, more specifically never had sex. Don’t you fit that description of his perfect girl? Yeah, there's no term for a person who had sex and had relationships, but never loved somebody. No, I'm not his perfect girl. If I was 10 years younger maybe, but women his age are too old. And he never makes exceptions. She needs to be under 34 years of age and preferably in her mid to late twenties. It doesn't matter that he's not into me. I have a great, loving boyfriend.
Dust Posted July 7, 2011 Posted July 7, 2011 Yeah, there's no term for a person who had sex and had relationships, but never loved somebody. No, I'm not his perfect girl. If I was 10 years younger maybe, but women his age are too old. And he never makes exceptions. She needs to be under 34 years of age and preferably in her mid to late twenties. It doesn't matter that he's not into me. I have a great, loving boyfriend. The term you use to describe some one who has never been in love is “never been in love” or you could just say “never been in a serious relationship.” I mean I realize maybe you were just being cute and here I am chewing you out for it. Does he call himself a “love virgin” because that would be odd. That’s great you and your bf are so in love. So, why are you worrying about this guy? Let him go listen to some Chris Isaak – “Wicked Game” and chant nobody loves no one…
Author Cee Posted July 7, 2011 Author Posted July 7, 2011 Maybe you should tell him how much you care about him and tell him you love him. Also, tell him you will provide him with kids and caring worm wife by committing to him. This will solve the problem. That's a good idea to tell him I care about him. I have said that I care in the past, but not lately. I have told him he's part of my friend family. We've known each other for almost 20 years.
Author Cee Posted July 7, 2011 Author Posted July 7, 2011 I think he's physically attractive. But he isn't my romantic type in terms of personality. We have good talks as friends over beer, but it doesn't go farther than that for me. Or for him. We talked about dating once and it was clear he had zero interest for me in a romantic way.
Author Cee Posted July 7, 2011 Author Posted July 7, 2011 He had zero interest....well, it think fait has brought you together for a reason. It may be to save each other from lonely existence. Maybe you both should step back and see how special you both are and how perfect you are for each other, since you know each other so well. You both should go on a vacation in a hot location where you both sweaty, half naked and hot. Also make sure you share one room and one bed with lots of vodka. Heck, i will send you best Russian vodka i can find to help out the process. I'm more of an Irish whiskey gal than Russian vodka. But the best vodka is the best. You know how when you know someone to well, you see that they aren't right for you? I know some stuff about him that really turns me off. But as a friend, he's great. And besides, I have a boyfriend who is becoming the love of my life. I only have eyes for him.
PrettyPoppy Posted July 7, 2011 Posted July 7, 2011 Is this a disease? Scary. Look at my latest thread. I think I'm going to seriously become a lesbian.
iris219 Posted July 7, 2011 Posted July 7, 2011 I'm curious, why does he want to get married and have children if he doesn't feel love? Does he want to love someone or is he OK being in a relationship without it? Does he feel love for his family?
Author Cee Posted July 7, 2011 Author Posted July 7, 2011 I'm curious, why does he want to get married and have children if he doesn't feel love? Does he want to love someone or is he OK being in a relationship without it? Does he feel love for his family? He wants a wife and children more than anything else in the world. He wants to be in love, but is incapable of feeling genuine emotion. He knows that and is in therapy for it. From what I hear, his therapist is working really hard with him. He wants to truly feel love for the first time. But he's so emotionally closed off, I'm not sure what would crack his exterior. It's so sad to me. And I don't think he realizes that loving and raising a child will take a lot of emotional resources. I don't want to deter him from his dream, so I stand back and listen and try to be a caring female friend to him.
Author Cee Posted July 7, 2011 Author Posted July 7, 2011 marriage for love is new concept, back in the day it was almost always for other reason, like politics and business. Not wanting to be alone is good reason as any. I sometimes wonder if he will end up in a utilitarian marriage where his wife will supply the love and nurturing. And he will show kindess and consideration and provide financial resources. [by the way, I'm 41. And my BF is with me for the long haul (I hope)]
Eeyore79 Posted July 7, 2011 Posted July 7, 2011 I have a friend who is in his mid 40s and is desperate to get married and have kids. This is the first issue he needs to address. He should marry someone because he loves her and wants to be with her, not because he wants her to be his baby-making machine. He says he only likes them when chasing them and then feels dead inside. Maybe he's commitment-phobic? He wants a woman until he has her, then he gets scared and runs away. When he talks about his dream woman, his criteria are superficial and read like a dating profile. We all have silly lists like that, and they usually go completely out the window when we meet someone who pushes our buttons. I know loads of people who love their partners but would never have dreamed up someone like them if they were asked what they ideally wanted. My boyfriend doesn't fit some of my criteria for an ideal partner, and I don't fit some of his criteria, but we still fell in love with each other. He had a 18 month relationship with a woman who everybody thought was a catch. Just because everyone thought she was a catch, that doesn't mean she was right for him, or that he should automatically love her. He didn't love this woman, but that doesn't mean he can't love someone else. It sounds like he needs to think a little more seriously and less superficially about what he wants in a partner. Just because you like someone or feel attracted to them, that doesn't mean they're a good partner who you will fall in love with. The initial superficial attraction is pretty fleeting, and it takes a lot of self knowledge to look beyond that and really assess the deeper qualities which will make someone desirable to you in the long term. It kind of seems like he's pursuing any woman who pushes his attraction buttons, and when that attraction wears off he no longer wants her. He needs to figure out what he really wants, and reject that initial attraction unless it comes packaged with the type of woman who he can love in the long term.
Recommended Posts