Desperatefortrut Posted July 7, 2011 Posted July 7, 2011 Hi OK I will try and make this as simple as possible but I am not the greatest at explaining things so sorry if this is long winded. I am a 28 year old woman and my bf is 31. We got together last September after being introduced by a mutual friend. My bf had been separated from his wife for about 18 months prior to meeting me. She has been in numerous relationships but he hasn't seen anyone but her. My boyfriend is a lovely man who will do anything for anyone and would help her parents move home still, do things for his ex and I know they hadn't entirely stopped sleeping together. On her part I think she enjoyed still having a 'husband' supporting her without being committed to him. On his part, obviously he was still getting sex and company but I think he was lonely and would have her back at some points. Anyway....when we got together I was living 60 miles away and was due to move back to my hometown where he lives. We met up on 8th Sept 2010 and got on really well. I moved back and things did go a little fast...I moved in within 2 months but it felt right and everything was good. Until... I snooper (bad habits after a previous cheating bf) and saw his call logs. Which showed on night we had our first date his ex had called him at 3am. Turns out she was drunk and outside his house. Long story short, she had had a row with her current bf and ended up crashing at my bfs. it actually took a while to get this whole story. First off I was told tha she slept downstairs....which she actually confirmed. But I later found out she had started off upstairs but when she went to cuddle him he moved away so she stropped and went to the sofa. She confirms this and doesn't really have a reason to lie. What I'm annoyed about is the fact it was hidden from me. And the details lied about. I also found out early on that she still had a key as they lived here together and she would come in and clean his house while he was at work. Months ago I was told by him that the last time she did this was days before we met but I've just found out it was actually while we were officially together, apparently only once! And he wasn't here. I was told that the last time the slept together was 4 days before he met me and the last time he saw her was when him and her dad moved wardrobes from my bfs place to hers as she had just moved flat before I met him. She confirms these meetings and swears they didn't sleep together the night she stayed here or ever after. The thing is that he lied and continued to lie even though it was over stupid stuff....how do I know he isn't lying about when they last slept together? He reckons I know it all now...but he did say that before and I found out tiny details were different. After from all this crap....he is a lovely man who isn't a player...he's only been with 4 girls including me in his life. Its not that I don't trust him now...I know for sure that they cut contact a month after we met. He has no issue me being alone with his phone etc and I don't feel the need to check it either. The only thing he was funny about was a conversation they had when I first got with him about her being jealous on Facebook and he told me he deleted it. He got a bit worried recently when Facebook was restoring everyones deleted messages .... But I think that was because I would trawl over old stuff. If he was hiding anything in them I'm 99% sure it would have been a conversation that happened in the beginning. Argh....we have a good life together, earn good money to enjoy nice things and have holidays, I get on with his family, he is romantic and loving and has even cried about all this. I ask him the same questions every day and I know he has the patience of a saint but it can't be nice for him. I just wish he hadn't lied. What if he cheated on me? I just can't get these thoughts out of my head. Every detail, date, contact they had is whirling through my head constantly. It's been 10 months now! He got divorced recently...a process he started not long after we met. He plans on marrying me and everything was perfect til I snooped! But I did it...and now I feel broken not knowing the whole truth. I love him and don't want to split but I cant live like this, and I know what I am putting him through is not fair either. Any advice is greatly appreciated!
PegNosePete Posted July 7, 2011 Posted July 7, 2011 (edited) Personally - I would ditch him. He has serious boundary issues. Just read back over what you wrote and pretend it is someone else's story - would you believe what he said? She was having sex with him and one day she turned up drunk at his house and slept on the sofa after being kicked out of bed? And if it was all so innocent then why would he lie and lie and lie about it, and then trickle-truth you? You can't believe this obviously BS story. There is obviously more to it and it wouldn't take 3 guesses. And she doesn't have a reason to lie to you? She doesn't want you to smack her face in with a frying pan, isn't that a good reason? And another reason, he told her to lie for him and she wants to keep in his good books so she does it for him. That's 2 reasons right off the top of my head. I'm sure you can think of 10 more if you really put your mind to it. Like I said I would not want to be involved with someone who disrespects you like this. Even if it is over between them now, believe me, it WILL happen again, maybe with her again or maybe with someone else. But this is an extremely HIGH-RISK guy. Past behaviour is the best indicator of future behaviour. Get out now and find someone who will respect you and be honest with you. There are plenty of decent guys out there, but he is not one of them. Edited July 7, 2011 by PegNosePete
Author Desperatefortrut Posted July 7, 2011 Author Posted July 7, 2011 I was afraid of that answer. The night she stayed here he wasn't officially with me. We had only met That night. She self harms and allsorts and he said he wanted her to be safe. It was 3am and he had work at 5.
PegNosePete Posted July 7, 2011 Posted July 7, 2011 How does that excuse his lying, gaslighting, trickle-truthing, disrespecting? And as you state - if he is lying about all these things, how do you know he's being honest about when they last had sex? The answer is, you don't. And he probably is. Why on earth would he allow his ex wife to keep a key to his house especially if she has mental health issues? That is pure insanity. I would not put up with a liar. Maybe if you'd been married for 10 years it might be worth trying to save, but you haven't. Where do you see this relationship going? Do you want to get married and have kids with this guy? Do you really think he would make a good husband and father???
Author Desperatefortrut Posted July 7, 2011 Author Posted July 7, 2011 I understand what your saying but all this happened in the first few days or weeks. He might have messed up and lied so he wouldn't lose me. I think you're wrong about it being worth saving if it'd been years! If it had been an established relationship and he'd done something behind my back I'd be out of there like a shot! I trust he's done nothing since the very beginning.
PegNosePete Posted July 7, 2011 Posted July 7, 2011 I trust he's done nothing since the very beginning. From your original post, it really doesn't seem that you do.
Author Desperatefortrut Posted July 7, 2011 Author Posted July 7, 2011 I mean anything after month one had passed.
PegNosePete Posted July 7, 2011 Posted July 7, 2011 Well, it's been a long time since then. You need to either forgive him or move on. Forgiving is impossible if he won't even be honest with you about what happened (and believe me, he is NOT being honest about it).
Untouchable_Fire Posted July 7, 2011 Posted July 7, 2011 How does that excuse his lying, gaslighting, trickle-truthing, disrespecting? And as you state - if he is lying about all these things, how do you know he's being honest about when they last had sex? The answer is, you don't. And he probably is. Why on earth would he allow his ex wife to keep a key to his house especially if she has mental health issues? That is pure insanity. I would not put up with a liar. Maybe if you'd been married for 10 years it might be worth trying to save, but you haven't. Where do you see this relationship going? Do you want to get married and have kids with this guy? Do you really think he would make a good husband and father??? Big freaking deal... the guy is JUST coming off a divorce he clearly didn't want initially. Some odd behavior like that should be expected. Even if he did sleep with his x/W that night... he had only been on date 1 with Super Snoop here... Last time I checked dating isn't the same as commitment. The only crime this guy has committed is not standing up for himself. I would be SO PISSED that this chick searched through my crap because she can't get over her ex!! Besides... there is no evidence either way that he even did anything wrong. Snoopy McTrustissues needs to just back off this guy.
Author Desperatefortrut Posted July 7, 2011 Author Posted July 7, 2011 He swore the only thing he did was let her stay and clean and hide it. I wish he had stood up to my snooping tbh!
PegNosePete Posted July 7, 2011 Posted July 7, 2011 Even if he did sleep with his x/W that night... he had only been on date 1 with Super Snoop here... Last time I checked dating isn't the same as commitment. If I went on a date with someone and found out that she slept with her ex-husband that night then there certainly wouldn't be a second date. Close one door before opening another. YVMV. Besides... there is no evidence either way that he even did anything wrong. Apart from lying, gaslighting and trickle-truthing? If it looks like a duck and quacks like a duck, it probably isn't a cat.
bikinibeach Posted July 7, 2011 Posted July 7, 2011 This man has NO respect for you, your relationship or himself. he's going to marry you, hmm? Well if that's the case, make sure you move into a house big enough for the three of you!! Not trying to be mean because guess what, I was you six months ago and I regret it every day. What he's doing is extremely selfish. And as for his ex, she has every right to him if he encourages this behavior! But the fact that she knows about you and continues it makes her a disrespectful bitch who loves that he lets her make you feel this way because it makes her still feel in charge. If you want the course of your relationship to be guided by that witch, by all means, continue dating him! There was an article about when men aren't over their exes and dating on baggagereclaim.com a few days back. Also there's one there too about expecting your man to set boundaries. He's a man, not a child and you should not have to explain this to him. im sorry you ended up in this ridiculous predicament. Look up some of my earlier posts if you want a glimpse into your future with this sad fool Good luck
2sunny Posted July 7, 2011 Posted July 7, 2011 he has no boundary - he is still saying that he tries to keep her safe. she is a part of his life even tho they are now divorced. stay IF you like relationships with three people... because he hasn't cut the chord with her yet. i would find it easier to date an AVAILABLE man - he's not really available - even tho he got D. i agree with the poster that said "you can't handle the truth" because you have a part of his truth - yet you are unwilling to look at the whole picture. the whole picture is: he is still connected to her... even though he may be with you - he's not really with you on a level that has a boundary that respects your relationship and keeps balance within a healthy realm.
Author Desperatefortrut Posted July 7, 2011 Author Posted July 7, 2011 No... You are mistaken. He has had no contact with her at all for 9 out of the 10 months we have been together!
Author Desperatefortrut Posted July 7, 2011 Author Posted July 7, 2011 This is all over nor knowing what he did the night we had a date and the fact he allowed her to clean his house once after we met. Nothing since.
Author Desperatefortrut Posted July 7, 2011 Author Posted July 7, 2011 She has a 13 yr old girl that he brought up for 11 years. There was the odd contact about that which he told me about as he had her boxing day. But the ex was going skitz by text now and then since a month after I met him and it was obvious there had been no contact.
April72 Posted July 7, 2011 Posted July 7, 2011 They weren't even legally divorced. Going thru a seperation and divorce is a process and sometimes even if things are bad it takes some time for people to let go of one another... of the security. It's not uncommon to keep a sexual relationship until one or both totally move on. Since the two are familiar and comfortable etc. I think the fact that he moved you in. Broke ties with her. And filed for a divorce is fact enough he wants to move on with you. Before that well it just was what it was.... and if you had come at me with questions I might have skirted around the truth out of fear of you taking things wrong and not wanting to lose you. I would give him a break if you love him and you two are happy. Just make it very clear from here on out you want total honesty and you will not tolerate a third wheel.
2sunny Posted July 7, 2011 Posted July 7, 2011 She has a 13 yr old girl that he brought up for 11 years. There was the odd contact about that which he told me about as he had her boxing day. But the ex was going skitz by text now and then since a month after I met him and it was obvious there had been no contact. this makes no sense to me. you are unclear. no contact or communication since? it is a yes or no answer. whatever that answer is - gives you the info you wonder about.
Author Desperatefortrut Posted July 7, 2011 Author Posted July 7, 2011 No contact I didn't know about since a month after we met. No contact at all since December.
2sunny Posted July 7, 2011 Posted July 7, 2011 ok then, relax. his behavior should tell you everything you need to know.
Author Desperatefortrut Posted July 7, 2011 Author Posted July 7, 2011 They weren't even legally divorced. Going thru a seperation and divorce is a process and sometimes even if things are bad it takes some time for people to let go of one another... of the security. It's not uncommon to keep a sexual relationship until one or both totally move on. Since the two are familiar and comfortable etc. I think the fact that he moved you in. Broke ties with her. And filed for a divorce is fact enough he wants to move on with you. Before that well it just was what it was.... and if you had come at me with questions I might have skirted around the truth out of fear of you taking things wrong and not wanting to lose you. I would give him a break if you love him and you two are happy. Just make it very clear from here on out you want total honesty and you will not tolerate a third wheel. Thank you so much. At the danger of only liking what I want to hear, this makes sense and is what all my friends are telling me. He moved me in apt straight away, changed the locks, we bought a car together and he filed for divorce. Maybe they did have some communication other than what I know about via text and calls but he was scared to lose his step daughter too. The step daughter and his ex was all he had (apart from Parents) and it was what he was used to for 11 years. If he messed up, I would have accepted it. But he chose to lie about silly things which confused and worried me. He tells me it was because he thought I'd run a mile if i knew he let her stay here and that she was still so dependant on him. I know he wouldn't cheat on me now and I would put my life on that.
Author Desperatefortrut Posted July 7, 2011 Author Posted July 7, 2011 Thanks everyone. If anyone else has opinions, good or bad, please say. I wasnt being rude to some posters. I just think some people thought he was still seeing her.
2sunny Posted July 7, 2011 Posted July 7, 2011 Thanks everyone. If anyone else has opinions, good or bad, please say. I wasnt being rude to some posters. I just think some people thought he was still seeing her. because you were unclear. use few words to covey precise info. that helps.
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