BrkHeart Posted July 7, 2011 Posted July 7, 2011 Quick history, I saw this women for about 5 months, I would say things were good, she had some personal issues from her past come back up, and just said to me one day "I don't think I can do this, this type of personal relationship isn't my thing, lets just be friends." Well I pretty much took this to mean she met someone else and the "lets just be friends" was just her way to trying to end things easy. Well three months went bye, I was strict NC and I get a random text message. I let a day go by, responded, then NC from her for two weeks, random text message again, repeat itself for about 3 months. Finally I get a telephone call, mostly non-sense. Another two months of a random text every week or two with the last one saying lets meet up. This is all prefaced from her as doing something as friends. I haven't decided if I really want a friendship or not, but I am just curious about peoples opinions. I get a 50/50 response from friends that you can/can not be friends with someone you had something with and slept with. I am leaning towards the "can not". Thanks.
wilsonx Posted July 7, 2011 Posted July 7, 2011 Quick history, I saw this women for about 5 months, I would say things were good, she had some personal issues from her past come back up, and just said to me one day "I don't think I can do this, this type of personal relationship isn't my thing, lets just be friends." Well I pretty much took this to mean she met someone else and the "lets just be friends" was just her way to trying to end things easy. Well three months went bye, I was strict NC and I get a random text message. I let a day go by, responded, then NC from her for two weeks, random text message again, repeat itself for about 3 months. Finally I get a telephone call, mostly non-sense. Another two months of a random text every week or two with the last one saying lets meet up. This is all prefaced from her as doing something as friends. I haven't decided if I really want a friendship or not, but I am just curious about peoples opinions. I get a 50/50 response from friends that you can/can not be friends with someone you had something with and slept with. I am leaning towards the "can not". Thanks. it takes a long time of NC to be just friends with an ex. its from both sides too. even the dumper would still have those feelings even if they refuse to show it or acknowledge it
HeartOfAPhoenix Posted July 7, 2011 Posted July 7, 2011 some people can be friends after a relationship with each other, Most can't from what I see. I guess it depends how emotionally involved you were with each other.
carhill Posted July 7, 2011 Posted July 7, 2011 Pick a good friend. Examine why you're friends and how that friendship goes. Now compare to your ex. What were you going to do as friends? As an example, my best friend was up on the roof with me a couple weeks ago schlepping plywood and shooting nails into shingles. Later, he ran the BBQ while I cooked the rest of the dinner. We drank beer and talked about life. That's the kind of stuff friends do. I laugh to think of my exW who lived under that roof for a decade giving a good god d@mn about anything under it, then or now. Maybe your ex is different. She might be a saint whose seeking of benign perfection just didn't include you in the romantic sense but she will always be there to support you as a friend. If so, you're a winner. Well, that's one perspective.
smudge21 Posted July 7, 2011 Posted July 7, 2011 Can I ask, how do you feel about this girl? Do you still love or even care for her deeply? Do you still want her more than just a simple friendship? and finally, if she told you she'd met someone new and they were dating, how would that make you feel? Depending on how you answer all those will depend on whether you're ready to be this girls friend. I'm friends with a few ex's, but the feelings have long gone and when I hear them talk about their new boyfriends, I'm happy for them. No jealousy, no anger, no feelings of loss, nothing. Just happy that they're happy. My recent ex however is engaged, and there's no way I can be her friend (well, I do still consider her a friend, but can't see her or be in contact with her). The feelings are still there. Be honest with yourself and if you can't be what this girl wants you to be, then you know what you have to do.
radiodarcy Posted July 7, 2011 Posted July 7, 2011 i think it depends on the individual. some people can, some people can't. the guy i was involved with started out as a friend; we started dating and i fell for him hard. the dating fizzled out into a friends with benefits situation that lasted for two and a half years and quiet frankly benefited him far more than it did me; because i was always wanting more. eventually he broke off the benefits part saying he wanted to be friends but i couldn't handle listening to him talk about dating other women so i ended the friendship for good. it killed me to have to do it but seeing as he's my first love - - my first everything really, i don't think i'll ever be able to get past my feelings to see him as the friend he once was. it's like a friend of mine once told me: once you go past friends, you can never really go back.
dark_perfect Posted July 7, 2011 Posted July 7, 2011 Hi, Just to add my own experience: I had been friends with someone for 5 years (though always wanted more) before we skimmed the edge of a relationship and then she got cold feet. We remained friends then though. We have however just broken up from a more serious relationship with each other, and I'm finding that much tougher to deal with. I think you CAN remain friends, but it depends if either person got badly hurt in the breakup. The girl i've just broken up with is still my best friend - it's just painful on me at the moment. She knows this, and wants to stay friends too, but it's really up to me whether i want to initial NC or not.
lonelynyc Posted July 7, 2011 Posted July 7, 2011 I'm grappling with some of the same questions. In a perfect world, I would love to, at some later point, be in my ex's life even if it's not romantically. The fact is, I still care about her and I think at least a part of her cares about me. I don't want to miss out on knowing her, if that makes sense. At the same time I can't imagine how I will actually be able to accomplish any of this. We had a very passionate relationship, I don't know how I would cope with having a nice friendly lunch with her and then watching her leave to make love to a new guy. It sucks.
dark_perfect Posted July 7, 2011 Posted July 7, 2011 I'm grappling with some of the same questions. In a perfect world, I would love to, at some later point, be in my ex's life even if it's not romantically. The fact is, I still care about her and I think at least a part of her cares about me. I don't want to miss out on knowing her, if that makes sense. At the same time I can't imagine how I will actually be able to accomplish any of this. We had a very passionate relationship, I don't know how I would cope with having a nice friendly lunch with her and then watching her leave to make love to a new guy. It sucks. I think that's a fair point, it would be tough. I think that would be made easier if you had someone yourself. Would you really care as much if you knew that you had someone you cared about waiting for you back home? My friend had a 4 year relationship with another of my friends, and whilst their break up was quite a tough one for them both, they're fairly good friends now. In fact, the three of us met up last Friday and they got on really well, so I think if you asked them they'd say yes, you can still be friends.
lonelynyc Posted July 7, 2011 Posted July 7, 2011 I think that's a fair point, it would be tough. I think that would be made easier if you had someone yourself. Would you really care as much if you knew that you had someone you cared about waiting for you back home? My friend had a 4 year relationship with another of my friends, and whilst their break up was quite a tough one for them both, they're fairly good friends now. In fact, the three of us met up last Friday and they got on really well, so I think if you asked them they'd say yes, you can still be friends. I really need to get to the point where I don't feel for her romantically. the fire and passion I have for her has not waned yet. If I were to see her on the street today I'd be tempted to run over and hold her in my arms. It's just never going to happen and I have to get over that. Maybe having someone new in the future before getting in contact with her would help. At this point (our relationship ended a few days ago) I'm just in that myopic state where I can't picture feeling this way about anyone else.
sunshine103 Posted July 7, 2011 Posted July 7, 2011 It all depends how the relationship ended. If it ended in a nasty way, then there is no way of friendship. But if it was a mutual breakup, then I can see friendship down the line when all feelings are gone. In your case, she dumped you, out of nowhere and she wants to be friends? I personally don't make agreements that will benefit the dumper when you were the one to let me go. Being friends with your ex could be dangerous and might end up hurting you more. She could be stringing you along, so she always has someone there to fall back on. I would not bother with it unless you are 100% over her!
FinOuch Posted July 7, 2011 Posted July 7, 2011 I think it depends on the situation. Perhaps if neither party ever got emotionally attached, the breakup was amicable, and a good amount of time has passed. With that being said...I doubt very many breakups meet fall into this category. I'm of the opinion that most post-breakup friendships are really situations where one person is hoping for more than friendship and/or there is an unhealthy amount of resentment on one or both sides. Not exactly a great foundation to establish a stricly platonic relationship on. And, of course, one question that has always plagued me when confronted with a situation of whether to remain friends with an ex is why bother? What do you really stand to gain by being friends with an ex? (excluding, of course, situations in which you share mutual friends...in which case I don't treat my ex as a "friend" so much as an aquaintance. We have nothing to do with each other outside of social situations involving the mutual friends)
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