skibum Posted July 7, 2011 Posted July 7, 2011 Hey all, Its been a busy few weeks since I last was on here and I thought that I might update you all on how its going. Heres my original story: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t278070/ And here is a followup: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t281578/ Anyway so when she called I was climbing Mt Whitney in a day (great physical exercise to get my mind off her) and she left a voicemail. Very generic how are you doing etc.... I lasted a few days without calling her back but I had that tiny hope that maybe we could be friends and that if I was very simple and didnt open up too much then shed realize how much she misses my voice. Dumb reasoning I know. Either way I called her back. We had an 11 minute convo. Very unemotional, pretty lame, then i told her I had to go and hung up. I was surprised because I felt perfectly normal afterwards. That was that. I decided not to call her again unless she called me because I am not going to be some b**** hanging on her and at her beck and call. Needless to say in the 2 weeks since she has not called once. So today I found out that she is dating the guy I was suspicious that she left me for. 100% proof no way around it it is happening. I am back at square one. Super mad, shaking in emotion. S*** how can someone you think you know and get so close to for almost 6 years just do that behind your back. Lie to your face, change personalities overnight, and be such an a-hole. This is not the girl I knew and loved so much for so many years. Its kinda a good thing long term for me. I was hanging on hope (subconsciously) that maybe she was honest when she said it was the distance. Maybe she was just stressed and would come around. But now that I know for sure she is a lying ho I dont want to talk to her. I dont want a second chance. I am better than that. She doesnt deserve me. Do you think that a relationship like the one she is entering will last? Less than 3 months after a 5.5 year relationship. This is the fallback guy. I want it to fail because I dont respect her, I wish ill upon her, and I hope karma bites her in the rear. I dont hate who she used to be, I hate who she has become. Never in my wildest dreams could someone so close do such damage to me and the new personality she has I do not like and I do not wish good upon. I dont know how marriage will ever work. how do you trust someone enough to never hurt you over 50+ years? If someone can do that after 5 and a half (sheesh ppl date shorter than that before marriage) then how in the world am I ever supposed to trust a girl to never break my heart?
Author skibum Posted July 7, 2011 Author Posted July 7, 2011 no replies? also its kind of sad because I was the first person she said "I love you" to. She never told any of her exes and she said that she only used it when she meant it and took the phrase seriously. However she was using it with this guy already. She cheated on her ex to get with me 5 and a half years ago and now she cheated on me to get with this new guy. And then called me less mature than her. Hmmm..... sounds like someone cant handle being alone and needs someone to validate themselves. Doesnt sound like maturity to me.
buster2209 Posted July 7, 2011 Posted July 7, 2011 I recently just ended my relationship of 5 years the last 2 of which we were married. Most people were stunned and thought it was out of the blue I did this. For me though, it wasn't. I have felt like we were not the same people who met and fell in love as much as a year ago so, and, without realising it, I guess I ended the relationship in my head and it just took a while before I ended it in the real world. The point is, for you the relationship ended when she dumped you. For her, it ended way before that so this guy could possibly be the real deal as she's had longer to get over the rebound stage.
Mack05 Posted July 7, 2011 Posted July 7, 2011 Skibum you guys were very young when you both met. A generation ago people seemed to meet young and marry young. Today's society is very different. People tend to want to live a bit more before settling down..When I was your age (I am assuming you met very early 20's?) I was involved in a 8 year relationship. Towards the end, one of the reasons I used for not breaking up with her was because we had spent so long together, had so many memories. I lost a lot of time because of that mindset. It's not a good enough reason to stay with someone, when deep down in your heart you know the relationship is over. Yes, breaking up with someone after a long period of time is harder, but if the relationship is not working out, it's not working out. Everytime we go into a new relationship it's a BIG gamble. It's a gamble to trust someone implicitly, to give yourself to someone entirely. When our hearts get broken it's always a devastating period of our lives. Sometimes it takes time for the heart to fully recover from the scars of a previous relationship. It can take longer to trust someone new. But there will come a time after enough healing and grieving has taken place, when you want to take that big gamble again. The key (when the time comes) is not to punish your new partner with baggage from a previous relationship. This is why it's so important to take your time and heal properly. I hope when the anger wears off you still don't want revenge or bad things to happen to your ex. That's not a healthy way to live your life. This was posted by Robaday in another thread... "If someone was good to you, cooked for you, shared intimate moments with you, cared about you and was in love with you at least at one time......then you have to respect them and wish them the best. Doesn't mean you won't have a little anger, doesn't mean that you aren't hurt, but look back on that person as a whole? were they really evil? no i doubt it, they were someone who was good enough to you that you loved them, if you care for them you have to respect their wishes. When I was younger I reacted with anger, guilt trips and the rest. But really that isn't love is it? It's manipulation and a betrayal of both yourself and that person. Thank them for the good times, appreciate their good qualities and what you learned from them and walk away with your respect intact"
Ally-65 Posted July 7, 2011 Posted July 7, 2011 All I can say is - Listen to Mack. I've read many of his posts here. Truly an inspiration. If you get a reply from him - Read and digest!!!
Author skibum Posted July 8, 2011 Author Posted July 8, 2011 Whoo. When I wrote that yesterday it was right after I saw the proof they were dating and saying their "I love you"s. Very angry at the time and I have cooled off since then. Thanks for the replies, they are much appreciated and I very good things to think about. Buster2209: I understand the growing apart and becoming different people, I really do. I went these past 3 months post breakup being okay with her because I thought I would give her the benefit of the doubt and recognize that if one feels they have grown apart then I can respect that. However, there is a huge difference between growing apart and ending a relationship because no one can try anymore and growing apart and ending one because you have a safe backup plan. She never gave me a shot to work it out, I had no clue it was coming. I know her pretty well and she was perfectly normal with me, not being distant etc, until about 2 weeks before the breakup. Given that, I find her actions selfish and short sighted. I wish it was because she was stressed and found herself not feeling the same because then I could respect that. But it seems what she did was low. Who knows though, maybe her new relationship will work, I dont know her feelings prebreakup I just know her excuses. Ill let her have her space, she is an independent woman and I dont mean to control her at all. She made her bed, now its time to sleep in it whether thats for the best for her or for regret later on. Such is life. Mack05: Great advice, I cant thank you enough for what you wrote. It is mature and logical and I very much appreciate it. We did meet young, we are now both 24, both in grad school (me med, her lab stuff). I thought we were both at a mature stage but apparently she isnt ready for commitment. There was a point in time two years ago where I wanted to break up with her but didnt because of the comfort level of just havign someone and not wanting to start over. But since that point I had been so glad I didnt go through with it because I felt sort of a second wind the next two years where I found myself falling all over in love again. I am sure she is going through the same thing but went through it which stinks cuz I wish she knew my experience but I cannot force someone to act like I did. I talked to my close friend recently who had a bad breakup years ago and I helped her through it and now she is married and she told me about the trust issues and gave me hope that one day, though it may not feel like it, I will trust someone again with my whole heart. And it is a gamble but a worthy one to take because one day Ill win big no doubt. I have calmed down since yesterday. Although I dont respect how she broke up with me and think that her reasons were not growing apart but rather finding that new crush feeling, I do not wish ill upon her. I think more of an indifference. If good things happen thats dandy, but if bad things do then Ill help if needed but I wont be as affected by it as if we were dating. I just know she has never been dumped and in such a terrible way and if she feels that pain one day then Ill be glad because she will realize what she put me through. I like that quote from Robaday and it helps me put things into perspective. We had great times, I loved her deeply and she used to love me. I grew into a better man through her and I hope she did the same through me. I respect and wish well on who she used to be. But this new person is drastically different, so much as to say its a whole new person. One who I dont respect. I know its weird to think about, I know. Its a complicated emotional feeling but it is just hard to forgive someone for causing you immense pain. If I had a friend who was good to me in high school a decade ago but now hurt me and my family I could not wish them well based on their past actions. Their present actions define them and are the ones that leave a lasting mark. I know relationships are different and it is hard to overcome that bitter betrayal. But thanks for the advice and words I feel better about the situation. I cut off contact, deleted her from my facebook and skype and gmail so that I dont have to see her updates and it will help me heal. Who knows, in the future long long away we could talk but I need a long time to work on myself. I do not need baggage in future relationships and I need to heal. As for now I dont want to see her or hear from her and dont care what she is up to. Ally-65: Indeed!! that was one of the most inspirational posts I have read and it sure has given me a lot to think abotu and digest these coming months. PS I signed up for a triathlon I am so excited! The ex would have told me I was dumb and couldnt do it since its only 2 weeks away but I feel independent and great and its a great way to validate myself and get endorphins running. She also told me I couldnt do Mt Whitney in a day and I did. This is a new healthy chapter in my life and I am pumped!
Mack05 Posted July 8, 2011 Posted July 8, 2011 PS I signed up for a triathlon I am so excited! The ex would have told me I was dumb and couldnt do it since its only 2 weeks away but I feel independent and great and its a great way to validate myself and get endorphins running. She also told me I couldnt do Mt Whitney in a day and I did. This is a new healthy chapter in my life and I am pumped! Good on you mate. Let us know how the triathlon goes..
Recommended Posts