monik Posted July 7, 2011 Posted July 7, 2011 I am newly separated from my husband, he just moved out 10 days ago. We are both contacting each other about things as this separation is still really new. He contacts me out of necessity and I would say I try to, but I always add that I miss him at the end of the conversations. I've been trying to get back together with him, and just wrote him a long email telling him I still love and miss him. I regret sending it to him now, and is trying to convince myself to stop trying to reconcile with him. How do I do NC if we have kids together?
Mz. Pixie Posted July 7, 2011 Posted July 7, 2011 Sadly, you can't. You just have to limit your conversations to things concerning the children. Emails or texts are better at first-I would say just try to refrain from begging and pleading. It usually doesn't work. There is a great book that I recommend sometimes to people called "Love must be tough" by James Dobson. Check it out if you are so inclined.
D-Lish Posted July 7, 2011 Posted July 7, 2011 You don't, because you can't. What you can do is have limited contact. You talk only about matters dealing with the children. You can't do NC- because of the kids. Keep your phone calls to business only. If you can- arrange pick up/drop off times that don't change from week to week so you don't have to be in contact unless one of you wants to change the time. Because you have kids together, you're going to have to get to the point where you can have an amicable relationship with one another.
carhill Posted July 7, 2011 Posted July 7, 2011 NC, the kids version would be, essentially, treating the children, wrt spousal interactions, like a business deal, e.g. logistics and compromises amicably approached to manage co-parenting. No editorials, no honey-this, honey-that, no I wuv you babe and want you back and no extraneous communication other than specifically regarding the children. If you have lawyers, let them handle the divorce logistics; if not, try a mediator and confine conversations to mediation and the business of divorce. My exW and I did this and the divorce was quite amicable. We have no children together but the process specifics could have easily applied to children. Keep it business-like and unemotional (that's a conscious choice) and see how it goes.
coolheadal Posted July 7, 2011 Posted July 7, 2011 Situations are completely different with NC. Not all the time what is the norm to do is always not the out come. The OP has feelings for her spouse still as the spouse doesn't share that fact it seems by OP relies. Times are very sad but still you need to stand strong here. As you have kids, you can't drop the NC rule with them and your spouse. That's their father no matter what you and him are going through right now. Try not to do anything other than what needs to be taken care of. I know with me, I would like to help but the other side the spouse tries sneak objectives she has into NC situation every chance she gets.
RedIrish73 Posted July 11, 2011 Posted July 11, 2011 I am working through the same thing. I limit all my conversations to 'business' only. It comes across as being distant though, I guess, to my soon to be ex. Its been two months for me and its still not easy but it is getting easier. I had to stop saying things like, 'I miss you' 'I love you' etc. Its hard but like I said, it will get easier. Unfortunately, my ex sends laces all her emails and texts with venom and hateful remarks, as if she is trying to get under my skin... to start a fight or to just prove something... I don't know. I hope yours doesn't do the same thing to you. -sigh-
Owl Posted July 11, 2011 Posted July 11, 2011 Alternatively, you could set it up so that this contact is EXTREMELY limited. Setup any transfers of children to occur through a third party, so that both parent's don't have to be present at one time. Example: he drops the children at your parent's house at 4pm, you pick them up at 4:30. No interaction required. Send a notebook back and forth with the children, for the express purpose of communication specific to them. You could use it to list upcoming events, needs for specific clothing items on certain days, notifications of illnesses, etc... INSIST that all texting/email be specific to care of the children ONLY. If he continually violates that...have a friend/family member scan and reject any emails that violate that policy. It can be done...not easily, but can be done.
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