Stupid Girl Posted July 7, 2011 Posted July 7, 2011 (Ex)fiance and I were together ~5 years, went through a rough patch a few months ago following him losing his job, and last week he decided he needed to be "on his own" and figure out his own issues, and basically broke things off. I was/am completel devastated. It ended "officially" last Friday, and I haven't seen him since then, except for a few minutes one day this week. He came to the house thinking I was at work to pick up some clothes, but I'd taken the day off. I was actually sort of glad he came because I was able to get the house key back from him. Right now he's living in a room rented by the day which he won't be able to afford much longer. Most of his stuff is still at the house (which we've basically come to the unspoken agreement, will become/remain solely my house, since I have paid all the rent so far), but he wants me to keep all his stuff here until he's able to get his own place, since he's had to switch rooms a few times due to availabilities. I truly do believe he's going through some sort of life crisis and will realize this, and realize he made a mistake in letting this relationship go. But, I think the only way he will realize this is if I let him take as much time alone as he needs. So that's what I'm trying to do. I have been so tempted to talk to him since last Friday. I called him once on Sunday and he didn't pick up, but I left a voicemail (I just wanted to know where he left something in the house, but you're right, I shouldn't have). I have not contacted him or spoken to him at all since Sunday, other than the day he just showed up over here to get clothes. Am I being naive thinking he will come back? Does it even make sense for me to say, I'm not going to contact him, but if he contacts me, I'm there! Does making the decision not to contact him count as no contact? I really don't know what I'm doing here, I'm so lost and upset over all this.
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thelovingkind Posted July 7, 2011 Posted July 7, 2011 What a horrible situation for you, I am sorry that you've found yourself in it so suddenly I don't feel like I can comment on everything you've written, but yes, what you're describing is something people around here call no initiated contact (NIC). Basically you clear the other person out of view and focus on yourself, and you don't contact them, but you don't go out of your way to block them or make an agreement not to speak, so if they do contact you for whatever reason then you can just deal with it on a case by case basis. This tends to work well for me. It doesn't work if your ex is the type to call up and offer breadcrumbs like "Just wanted to say I miss you..."
Author Stupid Girl Posted July 7, 2011 Author Posted July 7, 2011 Thank you for your words. My ex(?) is so not that type, so I'm at least a tiny bit encouraged.
brokenfaith Posted July 8, 2011 Posted July 8, 2011 I am in a similar situation, though my ex and I never lived together. He is going through a life crisis as well, and I think battling with some depressive episodes on top of it. He's very wishy washy about EVERYTHING (job, whether or not to go to grad school, buying cars, switching up hobbies all the time, etc. etc.) I know in my heart he is VERY troubled and needs space to figure all of his life out. I've adopted NIC to allow him to get his head together. He broke things off with me b/c he wasn't sure if he ever wanted to get married again one day. I want to marry one day. All part of his life crisis. I think when someone is SO confused about their own life, just having their loved one/ex in it makes it more confusing. My ex tried to end things in April but didn't want to because he still had feelings for me and I is/was his best friend. He was up and down for a month and a half before he finally ended it. he told me at the BU that he felt bad being with me just to date me, when he was so unsure of what he wanted as a future. I think me being so supportive and telling him I love him and we'd get through the rough patch made him feel more guilty about being confused. I haven't heard from him in almost a week, but he's dropped me a couple emails since the BU. All initiated by him. No breadcrumbs like "I miss you" or "Wish I could see you" because I told him explicitly NOT to do that. NO leading me on and don't come tell me you want me back unless you're 100% on board with commitment. Most of his emails were asking about my new car, talking about a few things he's been up to, etc. I've always answered VERY nonchalant. No extra info. Just very concise. I do that because I want to keep a distance in CASE he's leaning on me for comfort. When he writes me to say "I'm going to counseling" (something I suggested at BU) I feel awful not telling him I wish him well and I think it's a good idea. Thing with guys like this is that I think they NEED the space BECAUSE they are truly confused. If they initiate, keep them at arm's length because they could be contacting because they're in the state of mind like "I miss her, I want her back." But tomorrow that might be gone. I won't consider reconciling until he EXPLICITLY says he wants to. I don't know if he's just being wishy washy or he means it, so I have to make sure. Hoping my ex realizes he's far too young to never wanna remarry. But before he works on things with me, he HAS to get HIS head together. SOunds like your man needs to do the same. They can only do that when we're not in their lives as a reminder of that confusion. They'll realize one way or the other someday!
Author Stupid Girl Posted July 8, 2011 Author Posted July 8, 2011 Thanks so much for sharing you story brokenfaith, it seems like our situations are very similar (how old are you guys?) I think part of it for me may have been that our wedding was coming up in 4 months, and he was getting cold feet, second guessing himself, realizing what he was getting into, etc. We hadn't planned a lot (or at all, really), but up until a week before he ended it, he was assuring me it would work out, that he'd get everything together, which in turn I guess made him feel even more pressured. And I guess that pressure, added to the confusion of going through a life-crisis, maybe that's what did it for him. I feel like I'm making excuses for him sometimes though. If he really wanted to, if he really cared about and respected our relationship like he claimed to, why would he leave?
brokenfaith Posted July 8, 2011 Posted July 8, 2011 I'm 25, he's 26. He met me about a year after he and the ex-wife separated. She cheated on him and left him for another man. Because of his divorce, and seeing other people our age in his family get divorced, he's very skeptical of marriage. However, when I tell him he deserves to be loved and we talk about him getting through his fears, he gets very emotional... almost near tears. It tells me he's NOT entirely sure he doesn't want marriage. He even said to my BFF via text, "I want her to find someone who wants to get married. But, if she never finds someone, who knows what might happen with us." Ummm confusing much?! haha. I can't even imagine a man leaving me mere MONTHS before a wedding. My heart truly goes out to you. You could be right though-- he could be really scared of the marriage... thinking things might change once it's all official. Guys think like that sometimes. If he's going through financial issues and whatnot with his job, it adds a LOT of stress (It did for my ex.) Maybe he feels bad that he can't provide for you and that is also contributing to his fear. But only he knows that-- we can only speculate. I ask myself EVERY day why my ex would leave when I was being SO patient, so supportive. I never ONCE suggested moving in together (though he did bring it up a couple times over the year we dated) and I never ever said the "M" word. I feel like I make excuses for my ex sometimes-- people always tell me I'm making excuses. But YOU know him best... just like I know my ex best. If you feel he's truly troubled, you probably know moreso than anyone on the outside of things. I feel in my HEART that this guy I love is really lost. I feel like he's realizing it, finally, but I don't know if he'll ever come back to ME. Maybe he'll realize he wants to marry but I will have moved on, or he'll figure "she's an ex, I should start fresh." I may never know. I don't think sometimes even THEY know why they left. I can say, I went through a life crisis a few years back. I was halfway through college and wasn't happy with what I was pursuing. long story short-- I was dating a wonderful guy who probably would have proposed to me. He went into the military and I didn't want to be a military GF or wife. I was so confused about my life, career direction, and my future with him, that I ended it. I felt awful, he loved me so much. He's never spoken to me since... probably 5-6 years now. But ya know, I felt I did the right thing and we just weren't on the same path. So sometimes, people HAVE to do things that are the right thing for them. He moved on, married a girl and has a child, from what I've heard. He's in Afghanistan, or was. I'm just glad he's happy! So, because I've been through it myself, I can understand where our exes are. It's SO HARD to figure out what you want-- and I think it's worse the older we get because we have much more pressure on us. Paying bills, whether we settle down, career, etc. It could take a long time for the exes we have to figure it out-- so in the meantime, we move forward and let fate handle the rest. I still miss my ex dearly. Love him beyond words... but I can't mope and let him drag me into the confusing hole he's in. I just pray every night that he will find the help he needs, and IF we're meant to be, the higher ups will reconnect us and give him the strength to consider what we had as a possibility for a 2nd shot.
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