I feel so stupid and ashamed for still having feelings for him..

July 7, 2011

He used me as a rebound, lied, said mean things, didn't treat me with respect at all. We broke up twice already but HE always came back claiming he will change. He regrets and all that. If this was true or a lie or just to keep me hanging on a string, that I do not know.

But after another huge fight, we broke up again. There one month of NC.

I know rationally and objectively, I should totally be glad that we broke up and he stopped trying to put me on a string again like he always did. Well, but as much as I hate to admit it, I still think about him. I still cry over him, mostly mean things he said bc it still hurts alot and the disrepectful mistakes he made that screwed all up.

The thing is, I tried hard for the past 1 month to just find the closure from within. But I am just stuck in an endless train of thoughts and misery and I just don't have an answer to it. And it hurts my ego a lot the fact that I still do this even after a month over a guy who was a total jerk to me....

I thought about breaking NC and I still do. But if it is not for the reconciliation, there really is no use whining and yelling at him about his past deeds. And I dont think we can reconcile even though I still have some feelings for him, bc he cannot change (scared that same thing will repeat) ... and I'm not going to be okay being treated like that. But at the same time, I felt like talking to him and see that he indeed moved on will help me really move on.

I really want to get over this dilemma and everything as keep thinking about this really have deteriorated my health..

Can anyone offer any advice for me please?

July 7, 2011

Hopefully this will help your perspective.

A smoker quits cigarettes because he knows they're bad for him. Does he feel like an idiot for still craving a cigarette a lot of the time?

An alcoholic quits drinking because she knows it's destroying her liver. Does she feel like an idiot for not being able to give up the urge for a drink right away?

Remember, love for someone is not a world away from these scenarios. It's a drug, it can be an addiction. We know that person is toxic for us and that we have to get them out of our life, but we still crave them nonetheless. It's not about weakness of character of lack of dignity or any of that, it's just pure physical compulsion that operates on a completely different wavelength to our rational understanding of things.

So remember that your lingering feelings for him are not a reflection on your character or sense of self-worth, they're just basic human urges doing their thing. Being strong in this instance isn't about swiping these feelings away because there's no rational basis for them, it's about gritting your teeth and pushing through them because you know you are going to feel thankful for your tenacity once you weather the storm and come out the other side.

July 7, 2011

Should I break NC? Will talking to him though make things more clear?

Now I'm so confused. I know I deserve so much better but maybe I should have embraced the lies too as they are what he is..

I cant stop debating over what to do at this point and there is no answer and I need to make a decision and do something bc if I do this further, I'm surely going to get both physically and mentally sick...

Will it cause much more trauma if I breank NC or ever get back? I don't know.. we tried so many times and I thought its not going to work out but as crazy as it sounds, I still feel like maybe we havent tried enough sigh.

July 7, 2011

Honestly, you really shouldn't. The urge to break NC is that strictly physical need for a "fix" in the same way that people quitting cigarettes or alcohol want to have just one last hit before they give up for good. There's really no justification for breaking NC aside from wanting to feel a little bit of that feeling; I think you know that as well as I do from what you've written.

July 7, 2011

Should I break NC? Will talking to him though make things more clear?
Now I'm so confused. I know I deserve so much better but maybe I should have embraced the lies too as they are what he is..
I cant stop debating over what to do at this point and there is no answer and I need to make a decision and do something bc if I do this further, I'm surely going to get both physically and mentally sick...
Will it cause much more trauma if I breank NC or ever get back? I don't know.. we tried so many times and I thought its not going to work out but as crazy as it sounds, I still feel like maybe we havent tried enough sigh.

Whatever you do, don't break NC. I doubt you're seriously going to find any closure and you're most likely going to set yourself back. Focus on yourself and healing. Before you know it you'll be looking back at this wondering what all the fuss was about. Then, you'll find your knight in shining armor and the rest is history.

July 7, 2011

Well I guess that's where the confusion came from. I can see it all clearly. All objectively: he didnt love nor respect me.

But then I can't really help what I feel. I didn't listen to the feelings bc after BU it is not to be relied on. but having this feeling constantly for a month, maybe theres sth wrong.. or maybe I need an action.... of some sort.. A month of NC and still didnt get any better... Maybe if I spit out whats buried in my mind, I can really be free from all the headaches.

July 7, 2011

Whatever you do, don't break NC. I doubt you're seriously going to find any closure and you're most likely going to set yourself back. Focus on yourself and healing. Before you know it you'll be looking back at this wondering what all the fuss was about. Then, you'll find your knight in shining armor and the rest is history.

I've been sick (literally sick) bc I thought over this so much and everything that he did or said still really hurt me and upset me.....

we broke up over a text after a huge fight over a phone. Maybe not being able to end in "normal" way really got me stuck. I dunno.....

I'm a type of person who cannot hold things unsaid maybe thats why? i dunno again... i know it sounds so dumb that I dont even know what I want but it also really frustrates me bc there is no clear answer to anything I need to know...

July 7, 2011

I was having a very difficult time getting over my ex. I was starting to panic because months and months had gone by and I was still thinking about him. It came to a point where I was beating myself up every time he popped into my head and I would get into it with myself saying "What is wrong with you? Why are you still thinking about him? You are so pathetic!"

Which would make me feel even more depressed and upset me even more.

Then one day I told myself that I was going to let him pop into my head as many times as I wanted. But this time I wouldn't judge it or get upset. I would let him pop in my head, think on it and then let the thought play out. I was surprised how quickly he would leave my mind when I wasn't dwelling on the fact that he was there in the first place. Now I hardly ever think about him.

July 7, 2011

Well I guess that's where the confusion came from. I can see it all clearly. All objectively: he didnt love nor respect me.
But then I can't really help what I feel. I didn't listen to the feelings bc after BU it is not to be relied on. but having this feeling constantly for a month, maybe theres sth wrong.. or maybe I need an action.... of some sort.. A month of NC and still didnt get any better... Maybe if I spit out whats buried in my mind, I can really be free from all the headaches.

You're in exactly the right place to be right now: You see the problems, you acknowledge the pain that you feel in spite of them and you want to get out of this situation. Other people should be so lucky to have such clarity. The only thing left is that you just need to look forward, not back. It will take time, longer than a month. The comedown from losing strong romantic attachments is huge. These are big, big parts of our lives. Besides the fact that in Western societies the valorisation of romantic relationships is intensified beyond all reasonable grounds. Just hold tight with the NC, and think about moving forwards, not digging about once more in the past. You will move past this, but there will be more pain and confusion and second guessing first.

July 7, 2011

What's weird is first, we don't even have any good memories to dwell on. Second, I thought I was okay the first two weeks after BU thinking that I had more than enough. I wasnt sad but just really exhausted and numb. (I broke up bc he made me cry so much for hours and hours often) But then towards starting the fourth week of NC, I suddenly got really depressed realizing that all along I wished him to come back changed, once again apologizing...

July 7, 2011

What's weird is first, we don't even have any good memories to dwell on. Second, I thought I was okay the first two weeks after BU thinking that I had more than enough. I wasnt sad but just really exhausted and numb. (I broke up bc he made me cry so much for hours and hours often) But then towards starting the fourth week of NC, I suddenly got really depressed realizing that all along I wished him to come back changed, once again apologizing...

Yeah, I got that too. The numbness and false acceptance helps us cope with the early weeks, but the sadness and depression has to find its way out eventually. Unfortunately this makes the sadness appear as a step backwards ("I was okay with it, but now I'm not"), when in fact its a step forwards in the process of moving on. Because it's when you finally start accepting and truly grieving. You gotta know it's normal, and you got to ride it out.

July 7, 2011

I can offer some advice for you- focus on the bad times. Everytime you find yourself missing him, think about the times he treated you badly. This will help you generate some anger. Anger is more healthy than hope in a break up.

I miss my ex like crazy, it's been 3 1/2 months. I know logically that he isn't the right person for me, but my heart hasn't caught up to my head. I have urges to reach out to him every day. I've kept NC since our break up, and it hasn't been easy. What keeps me from contacting him is that he's going to reply with something I don't want to hear- or he's simply not going to reply at all. I couldn't handle either of those outcomes, so I don't put myself in the position to accept MORE hurting.

Your ex treated you badly. Sounds like he took out his issues with his ex on you. It wasn't a good match for you. If he was cruel to you, he was probably cruel to his ex. Keep telling yourself you dodged a bullet- because you did.

Sometimes I think we fall in love with the good moments- and the good moments are so good that it makes it hard to see and accept the bigger picture. It seems that one romantic moment can negate a whole pile of red flags.

July 7, 2011

What's weird is first, we don't even have any good memories to dwell on. Second, I thought I was okay the first two weeks after BU thinking that I had more than enough. I wasnt sad but just really exhausted and numb. (I broke up bc he made me cry so much for hours and hours often) But then towards starting the fourth week of NC, I suddenly got really depressed realizing that all along I wished him to come back changed, once again apologizing...

i'm wondering if you accepted unacceptable behavior as your "normal" growing up; or even in prior relationships?

seems IF a man is mean and makes you cry/depressed... you would be happy to be away from him.

also - work on what a healthy boundary looks like for you.

we train others how to treat us - you may have been going along with behavior you could have/should have been putting your foot down to.

He used me as a rebound, lied, said mean things, didn't treat me with respect at all.

because you allowed this. stop allowing it.

Edited July 7, 2011 by 2sunny

July 7, 2011

i'm wondering if you accepted unacceptable behavior as your "normal" growing up; or even in prior relationships?

seems IF a man is mean and makes you cry/depressed... you would be happy to be away from him.

also - work on what a healthy boundary looks like for you.

we train others how to treat us - you may have been going along with behavior you could have/should have been putting your foot down to.

because you allowed this. stop allowing it.

I did not allow. The first moment I found that out, I broke up with him.

I would not have dated him if I knew he was using me but he lied.

3 weeks later he came and told me its all over. Turns out a lie (this I found out much later). Whenever an issue (usually the same issue) I told him I'm not okay and we need to resolve that. We talked for hours days.. I spoke out took actions..

To be honest, I have NEVER had anybody treating me like this ever in my life. And maybe I was naive to think that ppl are just nice enough not to use each other.

Edited July 7, 2011 by FlyMoon

July 7, 2011

I know its better to stay away from him for good but I guess stupid enough, I still dont want to let it all go and really put this all in the past bc I have devoted so much time, effort, emotions into this on my part, maybe I just feel like there always is a hope I dunno.....

Or maybe bc I know hes a kind of person who would always reply if I ever text, maybe thats why. I dunno...

I keep coming back to that one thought that maybe if I see him moved on clear, then I can really give it all up ...

July 7, 2011

"A month of NC and still didnt get any better... Maybe if I spit out whats buried in my mind, I can really be free from all the headaches"

Flymoon, you keep torturing and beating yourself over what to do to allow you to move on. I remember you first post about this: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t284828/ and it seems like you are still really confused and hurt by all this to the point of getting yourself sick.

A lot of good advice has been giving to you on both pages and since not too much information has been given on the cruel things he did to you, the best thing to do is either follow your heart or continue with NC.

I would say COMMUNICATE with him and get whatever is on your heart out, but proceed with extra caution and don't expect anything to come out of the conversation, but you just getting things off your mind. Your earlier post states that he was trying to be patient with you and tried to work things out, you also said he did apologized to you. If he did those things, then he cares enough that he will probably hear you out.

July 8, 2011

Thank you all so much, all the advices given to me have been extremely helpful.

I do feel so much calmer indeed.

My thought process has been this... I did want to talk to him, and if he agrees to hear me out, and then what? Is it going to be different? Do I want to reconcile? Idk but from the past experiences, probably not and i doubt that he can really change or even has that strong will to address the issue (though he claims he is trying and that I am the one acting crazy-like, you can tell when the person is making an effort. And I couldn't see that. And who knows if he is LYING again about it all?)

If it is just for the sake of letting him know that I am angry and hurt from his disrespectful actions: I've already repeated the same phrase over hundreds times, he knows them well too. It was more than clear. But then what he admitted of having been cruel and regret having done so and will change. Guess what, just words.. Sigh... and a month of NC after BU, no one would want to listen to that very same phrase again...

And what if during that process I advertently find out that he is seeing someone else or other news that I would have been better off unheard and get even more hurt?

I have strong feeling for him despite what he did. But I do have a strong mistrust at the same time.

I wanted to be with him but its almost impossible with two contrasting emotions within me, PLUS he is not acting in a way to make me feel secure. I'm still really confused.. and after talking out on LS to all these wonderful ppl, I'm kinda on a verge of giving up...to be honest... maybe I just dont want to let it go knowing its not going to work.. I don't know..

Edited July 8, 2011 by FlyMoon

July 8, 2011

FlyMoon, you are so confused and ALL over the place. Please try to calm down and really think what is best for you and your health. Saying that you are getting headaches and you are getting physically and mentally sick is troubling and can lead to other health issues.

"3 weeks later he came and told me its all over." According to this statement, he left you for whatever reason. If he wants to patch things up with you it is HIS job to do so. He dumped you and you want to talk to him about reconciling? Let him approach you, since it was his decision to not be with you, THEN if you feel ready - RESPOND. Stay NC until he makes a valiant effort to speak to you.

"PLUS he is not acting in a way to make me feel secure." HUH, he dumped you and you want him to make you feel secure????? I'm CONFUSED.

Here are some wise words from another poster, Homebrew.

- I do not pursue EXes who dumped me.

- If an EX that DUMPED me wants a another chance... It's not MY JOB to get them to want me. It's THEIR JOB to get me to want them.

July 8, 2011

Sunshine, Thanks for the reply. I guess I wasn't as clear. Everytime we broke up, I broke up with him. Bc the disrespectful mitakes he made were almost unforgivable. "3 weeks later he came and told me things have been all over (with his ex), theres nothing and i'm just misunderstanding" is what I intended to say.

Okay Im not dumb, he said that but i knew it wasnt - still I let it go bc at that time my feelings were so strong.

Well then bc his actions were so hurting and I couldn't really find the sign of love nor respect, I tried to sever any R despite my strong feelings. He invariably approached me constantly - could be from care, or ego boost, who knows.

If he was just trying to keep me on string or use me, should he have left me when I ignored his text or chat for a month? Shouldn't he have left me when I tried to preach him of his wrongful deeds for days? Shouldn't he have left me when I told him I cannot forgive him of what he did and cried a lot?

Well, then if he was really caring about me and wanted to be with me, why couldn't he just take one simple action that couldve solved the entire insecurities so far raised? Why would he make everything else but me his priority? And why would he still keep his ex on a string too and stilll lie....?

I don't know... I'm just exhausted. There is not a single question that I can answer. He will probably hear me out yea, but what he tells me then, could still be a bunch of more lies, who knows again. Sigh.

Edited July 8, 2011 by FlyMoon

July 8, 2011

his disrespect isn't something anyone should live with... that being said - you broke up for good reason = keep it that way.

don't go backwards!

July 8, 2011

How long was your relationship?

Sounds like you were very attached to him...

You say he used you as a rebound - that's enough of a reason to get up and leave.

When a person has a rebound, it says something about them.. Weakness and selfishness. A person who HAS to be in a relationship after a previous one, without sorting out feelings, is one hell of a weak person, weak and scared...

A person who uses another to forget another is selfish.. Getting into a relationship and "forgetting" another side is involved that can be hurt, and just using them is awful. That's a hell of a disrespect.

How did you found out? :/

July 8, 2011

Flymoon sometimes the pain you feel from a breakup isn't just about the breakup, you also feel pain about how much he disrespected you and used you (you say you were his rebound) and then HE leaves YOU? It can make someone go crazy I know, that can intensify the pain you feel after a breakup, you need to take time alone and heal, it wasn't your fault he was such a terrible boyfriend there's nothing he can give you that will make yo feel magically better, it isn't his job to heal you he can't do it, if anything he'll only make things worse, you might get back he'll disrespect you again and then leave you all over again which will cause much more pain, you're in the right place now, you're in NC and that's what you should be doing.. Focus on healing and feeling better and letting go of a bad relaionship, when a relationship was bad it makes it harder to get over, i've been there trust me, but there's a way out, he's NOT the light at the end of the tunnel only you can fidn that light alone

July 8, 2011

I can totally relate. And I feel so stupid for still having feelings for him, because he treated me so badly. Everyone says that I shouldn't even think of him, but I cannot change the way I feel.

July 9, 2011

Flymoon sometimes the pain you feel from a breakup isn't just about the breakup, you also feel pain about how much he disrespected you and used you (you say you were his rebound) and then HE leaves YOU? It can make someone go crazy I know, that can intensify the pain you feel after a breakup, you need to take time alone and heal, it wasn't your fault he was such a terrible boyfriend there's nothing he can give you that will make yo feel magically better, it isn't his job to heal you he can't do it, if anything he'll only make things worse, you might get back he'll disrespect you again and then leave you all over again which will cause much more pain, you're in the right place now, you're in NC and that's what you should be doing.. Focus on healing and feeling better and letting go of a bad relaionship, when a relationship was bad it makes it harder to get over, i've been there trust me, but there's a way out, he's NOT the light at the end of the tunnel only you can fidn that light alone

Now Im at the point where thinking too much makes me unable to think. And just like this the time is passing by. I dont want to just sit there thinking thinking not knowing what I want and what to do and reach a point in future telling myself I have no choice but to give up bc too much time has passed and realize that I shouldve talked to him... Maybe I wont feel that way who knows..

Btw, "I" broke up with him - all three times.

If that makes any difference ...

Each time I broke up with him, he contacted me after awhile asking how i'm doing. I ignored.

Then he came to talk to me saying he regretted.

He made it all sound like things will be different. But I couldnt see anything changing.... Maybe I was impatient. But I've given him four tries - over months. But maybe I didn't give him enough patience nor time FROM the point where he REALLY thought of changing.

I dunno.... probably there is no hope... maybe I'm sad over repeated failures...

Edited July 9, 2011 by FlyMoon

July 9, 2011

I just feel like even after years passing by and I walk into him on street or something, I will still feel hurt and betrayed. And with things having ended this way, I probably will never forgive him. (During our second BU, I hated him a lot for what he had done to me, but I'm too exhausted now even for that)

To be honest, I might have to move out of the city next month...

With me just thinking thinking and being undecided, time is flying by. Just like this, things will fade away I know. But I just dont want me to think at the later point telling myself I have no other choice anymore bc too much time has elapsed.

Besides, if I move out next month and we reconcile now, then we will be still at that unstable period working on the R. Surely no hope of the R maintaining thence.

Its alll so complicating. I still am really torn bc only if he had not done those stupid mistakes that he confessed to have regretted so much, things would have been so different.

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I feel so stupid and ashamed for still having feelings for him..

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