latexyankee Posted July 7, 2011 Posted July 7, 2011 I see this posted alot around here, but it seems confusing. Just like my friends saying "dude just ****ing forget about her." i know the old cliche: If you love someone let them go. It doesn't make sense to me now though. Granted everyone runs their own life and is entitled to. But when they make you so much a part (usually 1/2 or more) of their life then you ARE in fact a part of that person. So you are in fact letting yourself go? I mean I understand what respecting someones decision means, and the way to do so may vary depending on said situation. If you were an ASS and you knew it, well by all means think what you would do if someone treated you that way. But if you had some shortcomings and so did they(which I believe to be true in any R) and there is just a refusal to work through them, to take the easy road and quit, how does one respect that? What in the hell is respectful about being a coward?
geegirl Posted July 7, 2011 Posted July 7, 2011 But if you had some shortcomings and so did they(which I believe to be true in any R) and there is just a refusal to work through them, to take the easy road and quit, how does one respect that? What in the hell is respectful about being a coward? Why is the refusal to work through issues an indication that one is taking the easy way out/quitting? What about not wanting to work through the issues because the other has nothing more to contribute to the R and doesn't want the R anymore. Is it a stipulation that when entering into an R, no matter what they feel, how they feel, during the course of the R, they are bound with no way out but to work through the R even though they believe that their part in it is over?
thelovingkind Posted July 7, 2011 Posted July 7, 2011 I guess it's a broad use of the word "respect" that we need to reach for. You don't need to respect their right to move on in the same way that you might respect the work of, say, Mother Theresa or Oxfam, but you do need to respect that right in the sense that ultimately, no matter the promises made and the things said and done, no one can or should truly possess the will and self-determination of another person.
vsmini Posted July 7, 2011 Posted July 7, 2011 But if you had some shortcomings and so did they(which I believe to be true in any R) and there is just a refusal to work through them, to take the easy road and quit, how does one respect that? What in the hell is respectful about being a coward? Ooooph I feel as if I could have typed out this exact same thing a year ago. I really felt wronged when I was dumped. I felt that he was taking the easy way out too - that I had dealt with so many of his faults so he at least OWED me by staying with me through mine, which I felt, at the time, were much less severe than his. But then I came to the realization that even though we shared so much together through our relationship - he didn't owe me anything and now I've learned - that if a person wants to walk out of your life, LET THEM GO. It hurts like hell and you feel so betrayed - you feel upset because you were willing to sacrifice and put up with things that they weren't willing to. It leads you to thoughts such as "He didn't think I was worth the effort" or "I'm not good enough" but that simply isn't true. I know how you feel. It's ratty. But you will get over it and be thankful that you're not with someone who wasn't willing to work out the issues in the relationship and bailed when the times got tough. The person that you want will work through those things and understand that relationships do take work. Perhaps he just didn't want to be in the relationship anymore - that's what happened with my ex. It was hard for me to reconcile but....it happens to the best of us. .
Stupid Girl Posted July 7, 2011 Posted July 7, 2011 I really felt wronged when I was dumped. I felt that he was taking the easy way out too - that I had dealt with so many of his faults so he at least OWED me by staying with me through mine, which I felt, at the time, were much less severe than his. But then I came to the realization that even though we shared so much together through our relationship - he didn't owe me anything and now I've learned - that if a person wants to walk out of your life, LET THEM GO. It hurts like hell and you feel so betrayed - you feel upset because you were willing to sacrifice and put up with things that they weren't willing to. It leads you to thoughts such as "He didn't think I was worth the effort" or "I'm not good enough" but that simply isn't true. I know how you feel. It's ratty. But you will get over it and be thankful that you're not with someone who wasn't willing to work out the issues in the relationship and bailed when the times got tough. The person that you want will work through those things and understand that relationships do take work. Perhaps he just didn't want to be in the relationship anymore - that's what happened with my ex. It was hard for me to reconcile but....it happens to the best of us. Thanks for posting this, it resonated very strongly with me.
Author latexyankee Posted July 7, 2011 Author Posted July 7, 2011 It hurts like hell and you feel so betrayed - you feel upset because you were willing to sacrifice and put up with things that they weren't willing to. It leads you to thoughts such as "He didn't think I was worth the effort" or "I'm not good enough" but that simply isn't true. . Ok how is that not true? If they thought you were worth the effort, then they would have at least tried. Just at least tried, is what I'm trying to wrap my head around. I'f there are continual problems for a year i can see giving in but a few weeks? I'm sure in time I may learn to see things in a different light, as of now, I can't get past the feeling that they simply do not care as much.
lonelynyc Posted July 7, 2011 Posted July 7, 2011 I'm experiencing a similar situation right now. My girlfriend of 2 years just left me on July 4th, and the stuff that keeps running through my mind is all the times she told me she loved me and has never felt closer to a person in her life (all of this very recent, the past few weeks). The way she ended it with me, my initial reaction was that she was taking the coward's approach, broke up via text, didn't even dignify me with a phone call. I talked to some people whose opinions I respect, including an older male friend of mine in his mid 50s, with decades of failure and redemption in the arena of love... he told me that I can't hold onto the pain forever, just have to accept that she isn't necessarily the person I thought she was. Believe me, I get it on an intellectual level--people are given to hyperbole, and all of the proclamations of eternal love are sometimes just empty words. Still, I found it very difficult to even get out of bed today and yesterday. I think we both have to get to a point where we recognize that the way we felt about them, despite what our significant others told us, wasn't mutual. Disrespecting her or getting aggressive is not an option. What really resonated with me was when my older friend told me that the worst thing to do is let a woman who doesn't value you the way you value her interfere with the way you live the rest of your life. Don't squander opportunities by being preoccupied with her. I'm saying this as much for myself as for you. Really wish you the best
vsmini Posted July 7, 2011 Posted July 7, 2011 Ok how is that not true? If they thought you were worth the effort, then they would have at least tried. Just at least tried, is what I'm trying to wrap my head around. I'f there are continual problems for a year i can see giving in but a few weeks? I'm sure in time I may learn to see things in a different light, as of now, I can't get past the feeling that they simply do not care as much. Well you said it in the last sentence - they simply DO NO CARE as much. But why does that have to be a direct reflection on your worth as a person? I understand the feelings of thinking you are not enough but it really isn't true. You determine your worth - not them. I'm sure there are people you have not wanted to be in relationships with - did it mean their worth was less? NO. So he didn't think you were worth it - do you believe that? if you do...better make some improvements to your insides because nobody should be dictating that but you!
vsmini Posted July 7, 2011 Posted July 7, 2011 I'm experiencing a similar situation right now. My girlfriend of 2 years just left me on July 4th, and the stuff that keeps running through my mind is all the times she told me she loved me and has never felt closer to a person in her life (all of this very recent, the past few weeks). The way she ended it with me, my initial reaction was that she was taking the coward's approach, broke up via text, didn't even dignify me with a phone call. I talked to some people whose opinions I respect, including an older male friend of mine in his mid 50s, with decades of failure and redemption in the arena of love... he told me that I can't hold onto the pain forever, just have to accept that she isn't necessarily the person I thought she was. Believe me, I get it on an intellectual level--people are given to hyperbole, and all of the proclamations of eternal love are sometimes just empty words. Still, I found it very difficult to even get out of bed today and yesterday. I think we both have to get to a point where we recognize that the way we felt about them, despite what our significant others told us, wasn't mutual. Disrespecting her or getting aggressive is not an option. What really resonated with me was when my older friend told me that the worst thing to do is let a woman who doesn't value you the way you value her interfere with the way you live the rest of your life. Don't squander opportunities by being preoccupied with her. I'm saying this as much for myself as for you. Really wish you the best Your older friend was right. All you need is time. Time insures that our hearts eventually catch up with our heads in terms of healing in break ups
robaday Posted July 7, 2011 Posted July 7, 2011 If someone was good to you, cooked for you, shared intimate moments with you, cared about you and was in love with you at least at one time......then you have to respect them and wish them the best. Doesn't mean you won't have a little anger, doesn't mean that you aren't hurt, but look back on that person as a whole? were they really evil? no i doubt it, they were someone who was good enough to you that you loved them, if you care for them you have to respect their wishes. When I was younger I reacted with anger, guilt trips and the rest. But really that isn't love is it? It's manipulation and a betrayal of both yourself and that person. Thank them for the good times, appreciate their good qualities and what you learned from them and walk away with your respect intact.
Mack05 Posted July 7, 2011 Posted July 7, 2011 (edited) If someone was good to you, cooked for you, shared intimate moments with you, cared about you and was in love with you at least at one time......then you have to respect them and wish them the best. Doesn't mean you won't have a little anger, doesn't mean that you aren't hurt, but look back on that person as a whole? were they really evil? no i doubt it, they were someone who was good enough to you that you loved them, if you care for them you have to respect their wishes. When I was younger I reacted with anger, guilt trips and the rest. But really that isn't love is it? It's manipulation and a betrayal of both yourself and that person. Thank them for the good times, appreciate their good qualities and what you learned from them and walk away with your respect intact. This is a great post...LY I think you have made your mind up about breaking NC, but I wish you would consider all the advice above. These people really know what they are talking about and you are not thinking clearly..I was told that at the time. Mack you are not thinking clearly, but in my headspace I was thinking clearly. I was saying to myself they don't know about my relationship. They don't know her like I do. Trust me mate I was not thinking clearly. Like you I was consumed by fear and many 'What if's'. Put yourself in someone else's shoes. If many people were offering another person on this website the same sensible advice that you have been getting and he kept making excuses to want to break NC what advice would you give him??Stay NC right. I have lost count of how many threads where people wanted to break NC, were advised not to, only to break it anyway and then come back posting here saying guys you were right..Some people don't want to be helped and feel the need to learn lessons the hard way (I was one of them), others are smart enough to realise that others (LS/Family/Friends) have your best interests at heart and know what is best for you. Which guy are you going to be? Edited July 7, 2011 by Mack05
Author latexyankee Posted July 7, 2011 Author Posted July 7, 2011 I am posting here instead of breaking NC. Everytime I want to (everyday now), I post here to get berated on purpose. I am trying HARD. And I have a month under my belt and I'm proud of that, but as you all know, I'm getting to the point where I'm starting freak out.
vsmini Posted July 7, 2011 Posted July 7, 2011 When I was younger I reacted with anger, guilt trips and the rest. But really that isn't love is it? It's manipulation and a betrayal of both yourself and that person. Thank them for the good times, appreciate their good qualities and what you learned from them and walk away with your respect intact. Isn't this the truth. I learned so much from my last breakup. I watched myself lose all my dignity and I will never do that again. You're right - it is manipulation and a betrayal of sorts. Excellent way to put it.
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