Emotional barriers?

[esty]

I am in the beginning stages of a new romantic relationship with a guy I have known for a few years. We had a conversation last night about whether or not we should continue the relationship and really go for it "officially" (we share a lot of the same friends so thus far it has been kinda under-wraps while we feel it out) because I was having concerns about his interest/commitment level. It is complicated for many reasons, unfortunately, least of which that he and one of his housemates used to be in a FWB situation (which happened after they moved in together, and ended before we became involved). That had been a concern of mine, but we talked about it and I trust him that it won't be an issue. However, in the conversation we had a more important concern came up - he told me, essentially, that if we continue a relationship he is afraid he will not be able to give me emotional intimacy and is afraid I will begin to expect too much from him.

 

He had a terrible childhood, which he says he mostly has blocked out (to the point where he says he has very little ability for social memory at all even for things that have happened in his adult life - he won't remember what he talked about with me or what we did last time we hung out unless I remind him) and that his emotional baggage would take years of therapy to sort out, which he is not interested in going through right now. He said that the past two relationships he was in ended badly because the woman agreed at the beginning that she would not expect "more" from him (emotional intimacy-wise) and that he doesn't want that to happen again. He said that he "becomes dead" when people try to force him to open up emotionally, and that he hates who he becomes when that happens. He said up front that he will never want to get married, and will never live with me (anyone he is in a relationship with) and that both of these past relationships ended when the woman changed her mind on their agreement and asked him to move in with them. He admitted that he is terrified of getting too intimately involved with someone because he doesn't want to lose control over his life, doesn't want to have his time monopolized or monopolize my time, and because of that he has very set ideas about how often we will see each other (two or three times a week, more or less). He also has concerns about staying over at my place, having me at his place, basically anything that would "spiral" into us spending too much time together. He is interested in a long-term relationship that is monogamous, he just knows that he will want to keep up certain boundaries like no moving in together, and controlled involvement in each other's lives.

 

I myself have no interest in marriage at this point in my life, and I dont' feel that I ever will. I realize though that people change and perhaps one day I will want that - I said this to him and he became concerned that I wasn't certain. To me, the situation sounds difficult and I am not sure if it is wise to continue. I do care about him deeply and have for years, the romantic aspect of our relationship has made my feelings stronger and I do want to be with him. My big stipulations for a relationship, which I told him, are simple: he likes me as a person and wants to spend time with me, and he is monogamous. I think that with the knowledge of his "terms" ahead of time, I should be able to keep tabs on the situation and if I begin to feel like I need more from him, I would immediately tell him. However, at the moment I don't think it is an issue. I don't feel and wasn't feeling before this came up that he is emotionally distant or negligent. I would like if he stayed over at my house because it would be enjoyable, but I am not hurt or upset that he doesn't. I am happy with how our relationship is going and though I would enjoy spending more time with him, I understand that his mental/emotional state is causing him to limit this and I think that is something I can accept because I know that it is about him and his issues, not because he doesn't like me or care about me.

 

My concern is that he has put up these foundational boundaries that he seems adamant that he will ever be unwilling to move. I respect boundaries and I don't expect to know everything about him or involve him in every part of my life, either. To me, it seems relationships are about growing with someone, figuring out if you can or want to invest emotionally, open up, trust them, etc. If the result of our continuing to be involved ends up being that he doesn't feel he trusts me or wants to open up to me, so be it, but I find it odd and daunting that he thinks he will continue to hold onto his boundaries throughout the entire relationship. I don't expect him to neccesarily trust or open up to me, but I think I might expect that he is open to the idea of seeing if he can trust or open up to me rather than knowing from the beginning he never will.

 

Is this doomed? Like I said I don't expect or want it to culminate in marriage or co-habitation, I could be perfectly happy to date him for a few years and then move on - to me that is what relationships work best as. I'm just wondering if this one will just be a constant struggle, or if we can work within the boundaries and rules we have set for each other. Any thoughts or similar experiences?