Boyfriend is Charming Psychopath!

[AquaDiGio]

I've been with my boyfriend for 9 months, exactly to the date. At first he seemed like the perfect guy of my dreams. He is very very charming, good looking, intelligent. He gets lots of respect as a doctor. He proclaimed his love for me 2 weeks into the relationship. Told me that I was his dream girl and he wanted to marry me. We saw each others families soon after.

 

The trouble started when I found out he cheated on his ex girlfriend with a colleague. I had asked previously how they broke up and he told me because he realized she wasn't right for him. When I found out through his email, I asked him point blank if he cheated on his ex. He lied and said no. When he realized I knew, he said he only kissed the other girl once and that his ex probably cheated on him too because she got in a new relationship a few days later. The lack of remorse and justification bothered me but I just attributed it to him trying to make himself feel better. The I found out he lied to me about kissing the other girl. They had been having sex for a few months before the ex found out. When the ex found out, he lied and sweet talked her into believing that nothing happened. While continuing the affair behind the ex's back. I saw the emails he wrote to his ex and the other girl, saying how much he loved both of them and how much they are meant to be. If I didn't know better I would've totally believed his words. In the end the ex still broke up with him and that's when he felt bad.

 

Fast forward a few months, he met me. When we first started texting, he told me he was only seeing me. Now I know that he was talking to a few other girls and was having a sexual relationship with one. These ended when we officially became bf/gf. But he still lied.

 

Then one time, we had a really big fight. I found out that he signed up on an online dating site and messaged a few girls. Nothing came from it but I was devastated that he would look for other girls instead of trying to work our problem out. I confronted him about it and he promised never to do it again. Two times later when we fought, he would sign up on a dating site. The more recent time was last week.

 

In March, around the same time the online dating thing first happened, he was planning to get drinks with the other girl that he cheated on his ex with. He told me that he was going to hang out with a guy he hasn't seen in a while. I found out 2 months later that it was her. They didn't end up hanging out but in his texts with the girl. He called her babe and baby multiple times. We almost broke up over this but he cried and begged and pleaded that he didn't actually hang out with her because he felt guilty and the babe nickname is just what they used to call each other. I relented and gave in. I made him swear that he would never lie to me again.

 

Then last week it happened. He told me he was switching his on call night schedule so that he could work with his friend Matt. I didn't like it because it meant that we wouldn't see each other for 2 weeks. But he was insistent that it would make his life easier having this Matt help him out. Guess who this "Matt" is? The other girl.

 

In the email he sent to her, he said that he was excited to be working with her for an entire 2 weeks, that he missed seeing her and can't wait. I was so heartbroken. It seems to be the final straw. I have given him so many chances. He seems remorseful everytime but I don't think its genuine because he does it again and again. He is so good at manipulating how I feel, and I always end up taking him back because I don't want to see the guy I love suffer, only to be hurt repeatedly. He has no problem lying coolly and will deny unless I show the proof in his face. Even today when I asked to see the other girl's number, he said he already deleted it, only for me to find that he saved it under another name. Even though he treats me well, his emotions for me seem feigned and for a purpose, rather then genuine and unconditional. Even though he is a doctor, he lacks empathy and compassion. He is so good at acting like he cares and giving comfort. When we fight, he does things like punching himself and banging his head on the wall, burning himself, and threatening to inject himself with fatal medicine to make me give in. It's gotten to the point where I try to leave but he throws me on the bed and pins me until I relent.

 

I told my friend, who has a background in psychology, everything and she said he fits most of the criteria of a psychopath and that I should just leave him because it won't change. I really don't know what to do? I still love him but I want to leave him if he will stay this way forever. I'm not going to wait until he cheats on me or hurts me if it will ultimately come to that. Any help is appreciated! Sorry for the long post.

[OliveOyl]

You DO know what to do.

 

You need to dump the "charming" doctor. Don't let it get to the year mark.

 

Doctor Demento, is what I'd call him. Run far and fast away. He is very psychopathic and it won't get better, it will only get worse and he could end up hurting you physically in addition to emotionally.

[cherrylips]

oh please, don't be so daft! psychopath he is not...probably a narcissist, and you're just a narcissistic supply of good, shiny, happy feelings for him. Duty and devotion, all these sacrifices you're making to stay with him. While he is either in the process of banging some other girl, or already doing it. He gets off having you around, turning on the waterworks everytime you catch him screwing around on your relationship.

 

google relationship with narcissists...narcissistic supply..yada yada.. I'm sure you'll find plenty of stuff out there to mirror what you're experiencing now.

 

The only thing you need to so is to walk away. Its not your responsibility to figure out whats wrong with him, to diagnose his selfish behaviour. Or god forbid, fix him You just need to look out for yourself.

 

Edit: here I googled for ya. Read point 4 especially, when they are prince charming in the beginning of the relationship : http://www.ehow.com/how_4818960_not-love-naricissitic-personality-disorder.html

Edited July 6, 2011 by cherrylips

[shayla]

My ex boyfriend is the same way. It amazes me how much and how well he lies. It's incredible. He and I were together for almost 3 years and for the last year he met, carried on a complete relationship, and put a ring on her finger. When I found out about it, I contacted her and introduced myself and asked her how it felt to be the other woman. Of course she was stunned and confronted him. By the time he was done lying, we had only been together for 2 years, we had broken up the month before they met, I was lying, I was this I was that. She ate it up with a spoon. But now she can never trust him because deep down she knows I was not lying.

 

A man like that can manipulate, look you in the eye and lie to you. I left him several times throughout the relationship and he would cry, beg and plead....even after he had her! I don't understand why on earth he would do that. The same day I found out about all this, he sent me an email that basically blew me off. "Yes I lied to you, yes I told you that you were the only one, and yes I never told you about any of this but that doesn't matter, we need to get on wth our lives...." then ended it with "sorry I took your 2 years..." a liar to the end, unreal!

 

He has completely ignored me since that day, but sent me an emaill right after my father died. He knew my father after all, so I thought it was a nice gesture....it was a blank email with a virus attached to it, nice huh?

 

My new, sane boyfriend, who, ironically Mr Wonderful introduced me to, very reluctantly at a basketball game the year before. He truly did me a favor with that introduction, as much as he hated it. We ran into each other right after their farce of a wedding and we hit it right off, go figure.

 

After the email incident, my bf called Mr. Wonderful and told him to lose my email address and never contact me in any way again. And even then he was trying to lie to him! Telling him how we broke up as soon as he met his now wife...my bf let him know that "look, I believe my girl and I know she isn't lying, no one gives a damn about hearing any more of your lies, just get her the hell off your list right now!" He kept trying to tell him how sorry he was, trying to manipulate him into telling him things about us, trying to lie to him about me, tell her I'm so sorry blah blah,it went on and on before Curt said I'm not telling her anything, she's heard enough from you!" and hung up on him.

 

They have been married since January and since then I have gotten several wrong number calls from his wife....she is obviously sitting at home wondering where he is at night like I used to, and allowing herself to be spoon fed those lies. I don't feel sorry for her. She jumped on my man less then 2 months after her husband died, moved him in with her and married him as fast as she could, totally alienating her children. And she is his retirement plan. Good riddance.

[AquaDiGio]

thank for the link cherrylips. i read it and he does seem to belong more with malignant narcissistism than psychopathy.

 

im an orthodontist so money is not whats keeping me to him. i love him for who he is and i'm willing to fight for this relationship if he can change.

 

i keep trying to make excuses like "oh he hasnt done any actual cheating" and "everyone makes mistakes" and then I think about the good times we had and listen to his pleas. i see his outbursts and suicide threats as he really wants me, even though its such a manipulative, controlling, immature, and dramatic behavior. I know exactly what I should do but i can't bring myself to do it. even as i type this, i realize how stupid and weak i am being.

 

i pictured my future with this guy. im so devastated.

 

does it seem like he can change? i dont think he initiates anything with that other girl. the hanging out and drinking was her idea, so was having him change his call schedule. he seems to not be able to resist the temptation.

[GildedLily]

He's not suffering.

 

I think you fit the profile of a co-dependent; you will need a therapist's help in getting out of this relationship and staying out.

 

The reason he changes his cheating behavior and gets dramatic with threats of hurting himself is because cheaters get "interested" in the primary relationship when it becomes threatened. Usually the cheating starts again within weeks of the threat being over (ie: you coming back).

 

It really doesn't matter what his official diagnosis is. What should interest you is why are YOU attracted to this individual? what about you allows you to not take care of yourself and repeatedly hurt YOU by going back to a poisonous individual?

[GildedLily]

thank for the link cherrylips. i read it and he does seem to belong more with malignant narcissistism than psychopathy.

 

im an orthodontist so money is not whats keeping me to him. i love him for who he is and i'm willing to fight for this relationship if he can change.

 

i keep trying to make excuses like "oh he hasnt done any actual cheating" and "everyone makes mistakes" and then I think about the good times we had and listen to his pleas. i see his outbursts and suicide threats as he really wants me, even though its such a manipulative, controlling, immature, and dramatic behavior. I know exactly what I should do but i can't bring myself to do it. even as i type this, i realize how stupid and weak i am being.

 

i pictured my future with this guy. im so devastated.

 

does it seem like he can change? i dont think he initiates anything with that other girl. the hanging out and drinking was her idea, so was having him change his call schedule. he seems to not be able to resist the temptation.

 

This person^^^won't be helped by therapy; reason: he will NEVER admit to anything he has actually done, he sounds like a pathological liar. He doesn't feel bad, evidenced by him doing it over and over again. He's not interested in "getting help" Narcissists are not curable, in their own minds they are beyond reproach.

[daphne]

Your guy sounds like my ex of some years ago. I believe he was a narcissist, as well. The manipulation, the lying while looking you straight in the eye. It's not that cheaters don't do these things to, but it's the mind f*** and crazy pattern your bf repeats that differ from a sane cheater.

 

You cannot change him. He wont' change him. He's not worth it. It doesn't matter what his true diagnosis is. Please don't drive yourself crazy obsessing about this anymore, or reading up on his problem. You can't fix him. He's no good for any relationship. You would be better served to move on, grieve and get ready to enjoy life without crazy again. The faster the better.

[fiatflux]

Well, the cheating and lying is bad enough, but in my opinion his behavior when you have fights is much more worrisome. Are you going to want to bring children into the mix with him making crazy threats like that and getting physical with you? Even without kids, it's a recipe for disaster...