Audrina Posted July 6, 2011 Posted July 6, 2011 I'm in a LDR and I know that my post doesn't exactly belong here, but I am looking for experiences in general, not those specific to just being in a long distance relationship. I am absolutely in love with my boyfriend and I do want to spend my future with him, BUT I'm terrified of commitment. We are in a monogamous relationship and have been for the last three months, and I don't have an issue with that - it's just hard for me to think about the future and plan for the steps that we need to take to spend our lives together. What set this off for me is that this weekend he was here visiting and he purposefully left a toothbrush at my house. I know this may sound crazy, I'm 27 but no man I've ever been with has done this and to me it's a little frightening. Does anyone else struggle with this? I don't know if i my fear of commitment comes from never seeing a successful relationship, fear of heartbreak or what - but I would love to hear some insight from people who have been through or struggle with the same thing.
TigerCub Posted July 6, 2011 Posted July 6, 2011 I'm afraid of commitment, like in marriage and kids and stuff but not the extent that you are. My bf has a toothbrush at my place and it doesn't freak me out. When he "jokes" about us moving in together and getting married - that scares me. I love him, but I fear being trapped, and I have such a negative view of married life, so yeah that scares me. As for you - I think that 3 months may be too soon for you to want a commitment, but you do love him, so what is it exactly about the idea of commitment that scares you?
Author Audrina Posted July 6, 2011 Author Posted July 6, 2011 We are talking about possibly moving in together and that scares me too, mostly it makes me scared for him. He would be giving up a lot to move in with me and I'm terrified that him making those changes, and then us not working out, would ruin his life. The toothbrush for me is just the first step down that road. I'm sure he did it because he knows that every time he leaves I'm terrified he's never coming back and it's his little way of telling me he is, but this is the first time I've had two toothbrushes instead of one. As for the 3 months thing, as I said, we are in a long distance relationship. This is someone I have known for over two years at this point and had a very close friendship with, and we both had feelings for each other well before our actual relationship started - I just refused to make it 'official' until we met, which was in April. Prior to that meeting we both discussed the possibility of having a long distance relationship with each other, but only if it was a relationship we could see working out in the long run, and closing the distance. It's not like this is someone I just met and jumped in the sack with, I probably should have specified that before. I've had feelings for him since 2009 but we only met recently. For me what scares me the most is him ruining his life, and me breaking his heart. I'm terrified that I'm going to run away from the one man I actually care about and love because I'm too afraid of getting hurt. For me, the relationship that I dreamed about is obviously becoming real, and fast, and I'm terrified I"m going to mess it all up. Plus, I'm not sure I believe that relationships last in the long run anyway.
snug.bunny Posted July 6, 2011 Posted July 6, 2011 I'm afraid of getting into a relationship, I feel like I've lost my mojo. So, I share your thoughts and can sympathize.
Author Audrina Posted July 6, 2011 Author Posted July 6, 2011 I'm afraid of getting into a relationship, I feel like I've lost my mojo. So, I share your thoughts and can sympathize. For a very long time I was afraid of being in a relationship period. It was really hard for me to find someone I deemed worth of taking the risk. Hopefully you find that person too.
carhill Posted July 6, 2011 Posted July 6, 2011 I don't know if i my fear of commitment comes from never seeing a successful relationship Certainly could. Have none of your family members or friends had a healthy interpersonal relationship? Surely, there has to be a healthy role model in the group somewhere. If not, and this fear inhibits you and your coping skills are ineffectual, seek professional help. Emotional memories, especially those formed in childhood, can carry forward throughout life, particularly if traumatic. Myself, I can only empathize. The difficult part for me is finding a compatible partner, one who isn't afraid of intimacy and commitment. Counseling helped me better understand the underpinnings of compatibility. We all have our issues. You're not alone. Good luck
TigerCub Posted July 6, 2011 Posted July 6, 2011 We are talking about possibly moving in together and that scares me too, mostly it makes me scared for him. He would be giving up a lot to move in with me and I'm terrified that him making those changes, and then us not working out, would ruin his life. The toothbrush for me is just the first step down that road. I'm sure he did it because he knows that every time he leaves I'm terrified he's never coming back and it's his little way of telling me he is, but this is the first time I've had two toothbrushes instead of one. That just sounds weird, I think I need more information, because as it is, it makes you sound very insecure about your relationship. How Long distance is this R? Different state, different country, what? As for the 3 months thing, as I said, we are in a long distance relationship. This is someone I have known for over two years at this point and had a very close friendship with, and we both had feelings for each other well before our actual relationship started - I just refused to make it 'official' until we met, which was in April. Prior to that meeting we both discussed the possibility of having a long distance relationship with each other, but only if it was a relationship we could see working out in the long run, and closing the distance. It's not like this is someone I just met and jumped in the sack with, I probably should have specified that before. I've had feelings for him since 2009 but we only met recently. For me what scares me the most is him ruining his life, and me breaking his heart. I'm terrified that I'm going to run away from the one man I actually care about and love because I'm too afraid of getting hurt. For me, the relationship that I dreamed about is obviously becoming real, and fast, and I'm terrified I"m going to mess it all up. Plus, I'm not sure I believe that relationships last in the long run anyway. As for the rest of it and feeling scared that he's risking so much to be with you - to that I say that we all know that nothing is guaranteed when it comes to relationships. We can try our best and love someone but sometimes things do fall apart, people grow out of love, people cheat, people die, whatever, nothing in life is guaranteed - that causes my fears too. BUT - knowing that, I'm sure your bf understands the risks that he is taking by giving things up to be closer to you. That's his choice and all you can do is treat him as best you can and be happy together. If things don't work out, that doesn't mean that you owe him because he took a risk or that you "ruined" his life - unless you cheat on him, then yeah, but other than that, he knows the risks.
Author Audrina Posted July 6, 2011 Author Posted July 6, 2011 Certainly could. Have none of your family members or friends had a healthy interpersonal relationship? Surely, there has to be a healthy role model in the group somewhere. If not, and this fear inhibits you and your coping skills are ineffectual, seek professional help. Emotional memories, especially those formed in childhood, can carry forward throughout life, particularly if traumatic. Myself, I can only empathize. The difficult part for me is finding a compatible partner, one who isn't afraid of intimacy and commitment. Counseling helped me better understand the underpinnings of compatibility. We all have our issues. You're not alone. Good luck No I haven't really seen a successful relationship and I understand the importance of it. I've been in therapy for over a decade and now we're focusing on me being in a relationship and working through the issues I am facing. Luckily for me, my boyfriend's parents are still together so he's more of a reassuring, calming influence on me, who knows how to act when I want to run. For me, I haven't really let my boyfriend in to completely understand my fears, but I plan on doing it the next time we're together. He tells me we can always talk about it, and I think I need to be more expressive about my emotions so he can help me through it. As you mentioned, the relationships I've witnessed have been traumatic to me, and made me, well the way I am. I know I can be normal in a relationship, it's just working through this fear and allowing myself to fully trust someone with my heart that's hard for me. What you said about finding a compatible partner who is unafraid of intimacy and commitment rings true for what my boyfriend was looking for. I tried to warn him about how I am, but he says I'm not nearly as bad as I imagine myself being. Most of my anxiety about the relationship I keep to myself. For me, the struggle is, here I finally found the man of my dreams, lets stick with it instead of running away. Best of luck to you in finding what you're looking for.
Author Audrina Posted July 6, 2011 Author Posted July 6, 2011 That just sounds weird, I think I need more information, because as it is, it makes you sound very insecure about your relationship. How Long distance is this R? Different state, different country, what? He lives in Texas, I live in California. We are working on finding a way to close the distance. I am insecure in general. At first I was afraid he was looking at the time we spent together as just a vacation for him, and he had no real intention of being in a relationship with me. This comes from my own insecurities, nothing he has done or said has made me feel that way. He's really been making an effort to show me that isn't the case by incorporating me into his life in Texas, his friends talk to me on the phone, his family knows about me, and all these things are slowly and surely making me feel more secure. For me it takes time to feel totally secure in a relationship, but I'm slowly getting there. This is all part of my fear of commitment. As for the rest of it and feeling scared that he's risking so much to be with you - to that I say that we all know that nothing is guaranteed when it comes to relationships. We can try our best and love someone but sometimes things do fall apart, people grow out of love, people cheat, people die, whatever, nothing in life is guaranteed - that causes my fears too. BUT - knowing that, I'm sure your bf understands the risks that he is taking by giving things up to be closer to you. That's his choice and all you can do is treat him as best you can and be happy together. If things don't work out, that doesn't mean that you owe him because he took a risk or that you "ruined" his life - unless you cheat on him, then yeah, but other than that, he knows the risks. I am well aware that nothing is guaranteed when it comes to a relationship, and you never know which way it's going to go until it's too late. However, what I'm saying is, I'm afraid for him leaving his friends, family and job. He says that this is what he wants to do and assured me that if it doesn't work out and he has to go back to Texas that it wouldn't be a problem. When I made a big move like he's about to make, I ended up losing all my friends and had nothing to go back to when I returned. I don't want that to happen to him, especially because one of the things that drew me to him the most was how close he is with his friends and family. I have no intention of being unfaithful to him, when I'm in a committed relationship, I'm in a committed relationship and that's that. This really is a man I can see myself spending my life with, I just have to get through this anxiety about it and learn to take it day by day without being fearful.
snug.bunny Posted July 6, 2011 Posted July 6, 2011 For a very long time I was afraid of being in a relationship period. It was really hard for me to find someone I deemed worth of taking the risk. Hopefully you find that person too. Me too. Wishing you all the best.
carhill Posted July 6, 2011 Posted July 6, 2011 For me, the struggle is, here I finally found the man of my dreams, lets stick with it instead of running away. Best of luck to you in finding what you're looking for. Thank you. I appreciate that. I'll offer a tidbit of my datapoint on compatibility in this area. I learned about 'levels' of intimacy, trust and emotional synergy. We each have our own 'style', both of how we feel those aspects as well as how we express them. Had my style been a little less 'intense', a little less 'deep' and more 'normal' for a man (the last were my exW's words), our relative styles perhaps wouldn't have been too far apart where we couldn't work to bridge the gap and find common ground. Also, we each dealt with stressors differently. My style is more 'dive in, embrace those emotions and empathize' where hers was 'detach and analyze'. Our incompatibilities stemmed from style differences. When facing the same issues, she needed space and I needed a hug and neither of us were getting what we felt we needed. This reflected our historical family dynamics, where she would retreat from the rancor of her childhood and I and my parents faced everything as a unitized family. A marked example was, while I was caregiving (my mom recently died from dementia), I told my exW to observe carefully as the way I was caring for my mom would reflect the care I would give her if she were ever to unfortunately contract a terminal illness. She looked at me like I had two heads and neither of them were recognizable. IOW, it didn't compute for her. Something which was obvious to me, that 'diving in and dealing with it', was antithetical to her. That doesn't mean she was/is bad or wrong, merely that she had/has no frame of reference to understand my perspective, nor I hers. How does this apply to you? Our specifics don't. However, you might be able to glean insight from the process of identifying and reconciling the styles and aspects of interaction to find commonalities within your own dynamic. Congratulations regarding your commitment to professional therapy. I hope it gives you the tools to find the peace and love you seek. Best wishes
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