Now pining over NC

[latexyankee]

Thank you to everyone who responded to my post yesterday regarding me breaking NC. I want to know, has anyone ever broken NC and it was good for them? Now I'm pining over calling and to possibly meetup. my mind is confused, I still have that 1% of hope left. If i call or we meet and things go bad (which i imagine they will) can that be good thing to just tell myself I tried,enough is enough? I'm switching views every 10 minutes. I know what the general consensus will be, but i'm having a real difficult time of truly moving on. (it's been 1 month). i've been doing good for myself, working out etc...but i think i am burying alot of this into thinking "just give it time, it will work out". Is it really that bad to reach out once? will i really look like a weakling if I haven't initiated contact since the B/U? some of me wants to say that i feel betrayed, and kind of played/used looking back on things, but i've also made mistakes so it's par for the course. Sorry for repeating myself in a different post every other day, I feel as if i'm just changing the words and the end result is the same. I love you guys for what it's worth

[geegirl]

You can ask 20 people if breaking NC turned out well for them. Some may say yes and some may say no or all may say no. You can't make your decision on consensus LY. Each situation is different. What is your situation? Is YOUR situation worth breaking NC? It's not about everyone else's outcome. What is your outcome? You stated that it will most likely go bad. So, there. Next.

 

Who cares about you looking like a weakling? We're emotional and we're weak, especially when you love someone and you're hurt. What I do care about is you getting hurt all over again. Round two. You're just going feel the same feelings that you are running away from now.

 

You've had many posters come here and tell you what to do and that is to let go. If you can just barrel through the up and down emotions, you will get there. But the problem is, you have hope. You still see a potential future. If you were getting signs of life, then I can understand your holding on. So, where are these feelings of hope coming from? What are you basing it on?

 

Yes, you were betrayed and used and what not. When you are presenting that to the dumper, it's a turn off. They don't want to hear it. Plus it's been a month and you're going on and on about the same thing. Do you really think she wants to regurgitate all of that again? No. If you're going into this with that ammunition, I wouldn't recommend it. That conversation is going to hurt you again because nothing, not even her words can heal you from that, and especially when you don't get the response you want. Healing from betrayal comes from within.

[latexyankee]

Im basing all this on our feelings, the fact that she misses me, fate? i dunno. It really felt like it was meant to be, the story is crazy and does not happen very often. Here is the first post, although i'd like to point out that i do realize it is not all my fault now.

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t282907/

[Mack05]

Mate I really feel for you..You have to try think of this logically. Not only that you have to try see things from her prespective.Firstly she wants to be left alone. It's not a pride thing, that is in your head. Secondly, you have had two goes at this relationship now. Correct me I am wrong but you guys have broken up twice now and the reasons were different each time? She probably feels that two attempts at making this work is enough.

 

From your point of view it's clear your panicking. Your thought process is all over the place. Right now you are consumed with fear and self doubt (that's natural and has happened to most people on this site, including me)..You seem to be really worried about the fact you are 32. So right now you have all these thoughts in your head "What if I never meet someone like her", "What if I never feel that special connection" etc etc. You are not thinking rationally right now. Trust me. There are a lot of reg flags for me. It wouldn't bother me (in the least) the fact the she is divorced, but add in the fact she has now left you twice, how on earth can you really rely on this girl going forward? How can you ever trust her again?

 

When we feel we are losing control, panic sets in. Our source of happiness is leaving and we have to do everything to get them back. We say to ourselves we are going to change. Do whatever it takes to make that girl/guy love me again. We make a million promises, that we promise to never break. When we start thinking like that we are flogging a dead horse. This love you have is a love based on need. In it's current state it has no chance of long term success.

 

"The things to make a relationship work will just click without even trying. Love, Respect, Loyalty, Honesty, Empathy, Compassion, Sincerity, Trust, Understanding, Compatabilty. It will all come naturally. You will thoroughly enjoy the good times and support each other through the tough times.." From reading your thread that is clearly not the kind of relationship you and your ex had.

 

Mate you need to realise it's not up to your ex to make you happy, it's up to you. The experts say there should be a miminum 2 months NC. You should be using this time to work on the insecurities you spoke about, not clinging to a fantasy that has little chance of happening. It's one thing to talk about making real change, it's another thing to actually do it. From reading your threads, I believe you need to see a counsellor. There is so much going on in your head right now and your thoughts and emotions are all over the place.

 

I always say to people who want to break NC if you are going to do it, you have to show your ex something new (a man that has genuinely sorted out his insecurities, who is confident in himself etc etc). In my opinion you are not ready to show your ex someone new, which means breaking NC is realistically pointless. Even if you do get yourself sorted and somehow win her back (very doubtful), down the line how can you put your total trust and faith in this girl after she has left you twice already??..There is a lot to think about..

[geegirl]

Im basing all this on our feelings, the fact that she misses me, fate? i dunno. It really felt like it was meant to be, the story is crazy and does not happen very often. Here is the first post, although i'd like to point out that i do realize it is not all my fault now.

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t282907/

 

You're basing it on your feelings and you missing her. You cannot speak for her. She may miss you but does she miss you enough to start the R again with you? You can miss someone but that does not mean you have to be with them. She gave it a chance, twice and it didn't fare well for her. She was the one that walked away from it because she couldn't be in it anymore.

 

If she left you the second time because of your insecurities and fear, what do you think is going to happen the third time. Those issues are going to resurface because you've not done one thing to work on yourself except ponder reconciliation for a month.

 

LY, we can analyse this every which way to keep you from hurting yourself. But we can only do so much. In your mind, you WANT another go at it. Well, then do what your heart is telling you to do. I don't believe anything we say is going to make you think rationally. It may for just a moment but your hope is far stronger than that.

[latexyankee]

No, no, I am thinking much more rationally since that post. I feel guilty for the first R. I was an ass and i believe she had every right to leave. I would have left her if the tables were turned around. Since then i've grown immensely. Trust me. Now that was my first post and in retrospect it was a little irrational. The insecurities i was speaking of well they weren't all my fault. Let me preface this by saying i understand that your insecurities belong to YOU and YOU alone are responsible for them. However there were things that i won't get into detail that kinda drove me down that path. I kind of turned into someone i'm really not towards the end. I will say that I actually called her a month before she left ME, and told her I was about to end it. I said i can feel you pulling away acting distant etc..(what would now be categorized as a red flag). She started to cry and told me please not to, that she was just going through a rough time. So I didn't but she began to act the same, and finally ended it after a sent the last few moronic (although not degrading) texts. I just really feel now as if she didn't give it 100% where as I was all in. But i also can't shake my mistakes. Maybe i was a rebound from her marriage? Maybe i should have just been more respectful and went to LC. I just loved this person so much and she was actually hurting me, and I went all insecure. So I believe now that it's both our faults, just very very difficult to let go of something you had to let go of once before.

[latexyankee]

The thing that resonates most is what MACK said, about how could I trust her ever again to not walk out at the first sign of distress. I would work through anything with her, she sees one bad sign and runs for the hills. Perhaps she just does not love me as much as she said.

[latexyankee]

And I do appreciate everything here, I consciously listen and comprehend what all are saying. the heart does not agree with the mind though.

[geegirl]

I know it is hard to let go Latex but that does not justify holding on.

 

She loved you in her own way. She gave you what she could. You can't compare and pass judgement about the validity of what she declared versus what she felt because you are not your ex. You don't own nor did you feel what she was feeling. Whether it was enough or not, it could not withstand you both working it out and moving forward. It's no one's fault. Relationships don't always end up with happily ever after. Just because you love someone and you sacrifice everything for them, it does not mean that its a guarantee that you will receive the same in return or that they'll want what you want.

 

You can sit and ponder and analyse what went wrong. You can draw pie charts and assign percentage of blame or fault. But the end result is that it was not working for both of you at the end. A month before the break up, as she was getting distant, she was probably already contemplating on leaving, maybe even way before that. Something was not working for her. Granted she could have talked about it but who's to say that in her heart she knew that she did not want it anymore and not so much tuck tail and run when things get bad. I don't believe these decisions just happen. Some dumpers go through a lot of internal turmoil to get to the decision that they believe is good for them.

 

You have to forgive yourself for this and move on. Dwelling on what could have been is going to keep you stuck and hopeful. If this is meant to work out, it will just as how you both ended up together the second time around. For now, accept the silence as a sign of each of you having to move on. She walked away. If she wants to come back, she will.

Edited July 6, 2011 by geegirl

[Mack05]

Perhaps she just does not love me as much as she said.

 

Eureka!!! Listen LY when our ex's tell us they love us I'm sure they mean it (well, most of them). Especially in the honeymoon phase. But that's not real love. Yes you both of you are feeling amazing during this period and you start to see a future together. The thing is until a relationship is tested, then you will figure out if it's real love. Some people are really emotionally immature, for example they will tell you they love you after 2 months or less and fall out of love with you even quicker. These people haven't a clue about relationships and what it takes to make them work.

 

It's when someone tells you they love when you are going through a hard personal time, that's when you know you have something very special. It's easy to tell someone you love them when your all loved up in the honeymoon phase. In my last relationship we told each other we loved each other in the honeymoon phase (only thime I have done this). It's something I will never do again. You truly love someone when you truly know the other person and that takes time.

 

I saw a post from Jimmy B26 which really reasonated with me. Maybe it might reasonate with you..

This woman you're dealing with seems to be absolutely terrified of true intimacy. You getting too close - perhaps close enough for her to fear you finding out who she truly thinks she is - scares the hell out of her. In a normal relationship with someone who's ready for real love, if you move closer to someone emotionally, they should be accepting and interested in reciprocating. I see you moving closer and her running away..

 

When we break up with someone we obsess about what they said to us. "You are the love of my life", "I can't live without you" Blah blah blah etc etc etc..We say to ourselves how could they say to to us and then suddenly change? Focusing on that will drive you banana's! You have to accept she no longer feels the same as you, you have to accept that she is not one of the special one's (even though you thought she was). Maybe she is emotionally immature, maybe she is scared of true intimacy, maybe it's something else, but her feelings have changed. Why they have changed is not important. What is important is you gaining acceptance that the relationship is over and over for good.

 

Breaking NC you are just setting yourself up for more hurt. I was in denial like you are now and mate you are in complete and utter denial. You not thinking rationally or logically (that is natural when we are hurting and suffering fear). You are refusing to accept the obvious that your ex no longer wants the relationship and has moved on. The question you have to ask yourself is how long are you going to kept obsessing? How long are you going to be clinging to false hope? The longer you keep doing this the longer your recovery.

 

To be honest I think you have already decided to break NC. That is your choice. I broke NC. Never again for the rest of my life. The experts say NC, all the great posters on here say NC, my family/friends recommended NC. For me, normally it's a good idea to listen to a lot of good people's advice..Lesson learnt. Maybe you need to learn the same harsh lesson..Either way I wish you well LY..

Edited July 7, 2011 by Mack05