He want's space but refuses to break up with me?

[Spices]

I'm in a relationship with a man who was very recently divorced (we've been together almost a year). Things between us were perfect in the beginning; we saw each other all the time and we were both very much in love. Lately he's been pulling away and asking for "space". He's still not over his ex (even though he left her) and he's definitely in the mourning process. He says he still loves her but he can never go back to her. He's at a very confused place right now.

 

He now says that he wants to take things "slow". We went from seeing each other almost every day to now once or twice a week. Neither of us say "I love you" anymore even though it's obvious that we still feel strongly about one another. He says he's confused right now and doesn't want to fall more in love with me & doesn't want me to fall more in love with him. I'd say the relationship feels more one sided than anything right now. I have absolutely no baggage whatsoever while he's still mourning an 8 year marriage.

 

I've suggested that we take a break for a while so he can have time to heal but he refuses to let me go. He says that he can't stand the thought of loosing me, that I may be "the one" and that he hates the thought of me dating anyone else. He says that he can't live without me, but at the same time, he says he doesn't feel like a relationship is the best thing.

 

Right now I'm at a loss of what to do. Would it be fair to myself to give him the time that he needs & see him sporadically until he sorts himself out, or should I end things? I don't want to be strung along.

Edited July 6, 2011 by Spices

[TigerCub]

I'm in a relationship with a man who was very recently divorced (we've been together almost a year). Things between us were perfect in the beginning; we saw each other all the time and we were both very much in love. Lately he's been pulling away and asking for "space". He's still not over his ex (even though he left her) and he's definitely in the mourning process. He says he still loves her but he can never go back to her. He's at a very confused place right now.

 

He now says that he wants to take things "slow". We went from seeing each other almost every day to now once or twice a week. Neither of us say "I love you" anymore even though it's obvious that we still feel strongly about one another. I'd say the relationship feels more one sided than anything right now. I have absolutely no baggage whatsoever while he's still mourning an 8 year marriage.

 

I've suggested that we take a break for a while so he can have time to heal but he refuses to let me go. He says that he can't stand the thought of loosing me, that I may be "the one" and that he hates the thought of me dating anyone else. He says that he can't live without me, but at the same time, he says he doesn't feel like a relationship is the best thing.

 

Right now I'm at a loss of what to do. Would it be fair to myself to give him the time that he needs & see him sporadically until he sorts himself out, or should I end things? I don't want to be strung along.

 

The stuff in bold.

 

He's not over his exW. That's all you need to know.

If he wants space, give it to him and take a break.

If you're "the one" as he claims you might be, then I'm sure you'll find each other again when the time is right.

 

It isn't fair to you to be put on the side while he's still loving his ex.

 

You should take a break, go out and date other people and have your fun.

 

He's may care a lot about you, but he obviously needs to mourn the M, and he needs to get over his ex before he's capable of offering you anything worthwhile.

 

It seems like he just wants to hold onto you to make sure that he has something to fall back on, to ensure that he wont be alone later. That's not fair to you.

 

Don't get strung along. He needs his time, and you might as well live your life while he's getting his s**t sorted out.

 

Good luck to you

 

ETA: why did he and his W break up? - he loves her, but can't go back to her - did she cheat on him? Do they have kids?

[make me believe]

Why would you ever get involved with a guy who straight up tells you he's not over his ex?? You don't need a "break", you need a break UP. He can figure out his sh*t on his own. But I wouldn't advise waiting around for a guy to get over someone else. Find somebody who wants YOU, and only you.

[Spices]

The stuff in bold.

 

He's not over his exW. That's all you need to know.

If he wants space, give it to him and take a break.

If you're "the one" as he claims you might be, then I'm sure you'll find each other again when the time is right.

 

It isn't fair to you to be put on the side while he's still loving his ex.

 

You should take a break, go out and date other people and have your fun.

 

He's may care a lot about you, but he obviously needs to mourn the M, and he needs to get over his ex before he's capable of offering you anything worthwhile.

 

It seems like he just wants to hold onto you to make sure that he has something to fall back on, to ensure that he wont be alone later. That's not fair to you.

 

Don't get strung along. He needs his time, and you might as well live your life while he's getting his s**t sorted out.

 

Good luck to you

 

Thank you! This was excellent advice.

 

 

ETA: why did he and his W break up? - he loves her, but can't go back to her - did she cheat on him? Do they have kids?

 

 

Well, here's the thing... (and I still hold a lot of guilt over this) he was actually still married to her when I met him. They don't have kids. I dated him for a while without even knowing he was married (she was deployed) and I found out he was married on my own. When I found out I tried to leave him right there and then. He begged to see me one last time & poured his heart out to me. He basically told me his whole life story. He also told me that he's been unhappy in his marriage for a very long time. Apparently they'd fight 24/7, she wasn't affectionate enough, and didn't respect or appreciate him. He said that I creeped him out because he was starting to fall in love with me & that I bought him true happiness, blah, blah.

 

At this point I had feelings for him and I felt really bad for him. I told him I'd be a friend to him (At this point we had not even slept together). He asked me to go on a small vacation with him, and me thinking "hey, you only live once" went. A week after the trip he asked his wife for a divorce. He said that he "found something better". He moved out of his home before she even came back.

 

I was silly girl.

Edited July 6, 2011 by Spices

[TaraMaiden]

Sounds like he wants his cake and eat it.

He may actually want to hook back up with his wife, and engineer something of that kind during the break.

See, he wants her, because he's in love with her, but he wants you because you fulfil some need in him, that obviously he's not getting at home. If he was - you wouldn't even figure.

 

so he's actually seeking the best of both worlds.

 

This is what I would do:

 

I would say to him: Absolutely no contact at all, whatsoever, for one month. Completely.

He can go off and do his stuff and get his head sorted, and you get on with your life.

On a given day and date a month hence, you meet up, and he tells you, there and then, whether he can pursue a relationship with you exclusively - or whether he feels he can't.

 

There is no middle ground here.

He has to decide: it's you, or not you, but you're not prepared to build a life on the ghostly presence (or actual, for that matter!) of his wife.

 

You realise she was of significance, but - hello??? so are you! You're not some trampoline he can bounce on as a rebound. (trampoline... see what I did there...? )

 

Seriously - she may have been important. You acknowledge that and take it on board. we all have things we need to work through and get out of our system, to ensure they don't become - and remain - as baggage.

 

memories are different to baggage, yeah?

 

but by the same token, he has to make the effort to move on.

he either does - or he doesn't. But you're not prepared to be the game in this....

[thatone]

 

Right now I'm at a loss of what to do. Would it be fair to myself to give him the time that he needs & see him sporadically until he sorts himself out, or should I end things? I don't want to be strung along.

 

how about you stop f*cking married men, that would be a good start.

[TigerCub]

Thank you! This was excellent advice.

 

 

 

 

Well, here's the thing... (and I still hold a lot of guilt over this) he was actually still married to her when I met him. They don't have kids. I dated him for a while without even knowing he was married (she was deployed) and I found out he was married on my own. When I found out I tried to leave him right there and then. He begged to see me one last time & poured his heart out to me. He basically told me his whole life story. He also told me that he's been unhappy in his marriage for a very long time. Apparently they'd fight 24/7, she wasn't affectionate enough, and didn't respect or appreciate him. He said that I creeped him out because he was starting to fall in love with me & that I bought him true happiness, blah, blah.

 

At this point I had feelings for him and I felt really bad for him. I told him I'd be a friend to him (At this point we had not even slept together). He asked me to go on a small vacation with him, and me thinking "hey, you only live once" went. A week after the trip he asked his wife for a divorce. He said that he "found something better". He moved out of his home before she even came back.

 

I was silly girl.

 

You're welcome

 

So does that mean that when he says "he can't go back" that its really because his wife wont take him back??

 

I suggest you read some threads in the OW/OM forum, there you'll read about the flip flopping that married people do when they're trying to decide between their spouse and their affair partner.

 

now that I know more, I definitely say, take a break and let him sort his stuff out.

 

This guy is not over her, he's dealing with more than just a divorce, he's dealing with the guilt of the A, and if you stick around, he's bound to take out some of that guilt on you because at one point or another YOU maybe become the reason everything fell apart in his life (I know, he's responsible for his own actions, etc...), but he may look at it in that light when he's depressed, stressed, or angry enough.

 

Get out and give him space. Let the affair fog clear up.

 

I really suggest you read more in the OW/OM forum, it'll provide you with a lot of stories from people that have been in similar situations.

[TaraMaiden]

how about you stop f*cking married men, that would be a good start.

How about you read what she wrote?

When she met him, she had no idea he was married (Married people tend to withhold that snippet of information).

 

When she found out she broke it off.

he then separated from his wife and sought a divorce.

He's now divorced.

 

She hasn't F***ed married men. She's involved with a man whom is now divorced.

 

Read the posts. Then feel free to be patronising and judgemental on what's written, not on what you're making up as you go along.

[Eddie Edirol]

I see this a lil different.

 

Hes not confused at all, he just is still in love with his wife, not you. I think his wife fell out of love with him, and THATS why hes mourning. he just twisted the story to make himself look good. If he had told you he was married, you might not have started this. If he told you he was married, his wife is leaving him, hes mourning over her and cant really fall for you because hes thinking about her, he knows this would never fly. He had to lie.

 

I think he tried to use you to get over her, but he still thinks he has a chance to save his marriage, so he asks for space. If that doesnt work, he wants to keep you as a safety net, untouched by anyone else (so you dont forget about him), until he knows for sure that his marriage is over. So I think anything he has said might not be as true as you think.

 

Either way, forget about him, dont let him use you like that. Go find someone who doesnt have a recent 8 year baggage that he has to get over. Theres no way he could possibly be ready for a full on relationship within the next few years.

Edited July 6, 2011 by Eddie Edirol

[thatone]

How about you read what she wrote?

When she met him, she had no idea he was married (Married people tend to withhold that snippet of information).

 

When she found out she broke it off.

he then separated from his wife and sought a divorce.

He's now divorced.

 

She hasn't F***ed married men. She's involved with a man whom is now divorced.

 

Read the posts. Then feel free to be patronising and judgemental on what's written, not on what you're making up as you go along.

 

When I found out I tried to leave him right there and then. He begged to see me one last time & poured his heart out to me. He basically told me his whole life story.....He asked me to go on a small vacation with him, and me thinking "hey, you only live once" went. A week after the trip he asked his wife for a divorce. He said that he "found something better". He moved out of his home before she even came back.

 

she knew exactly what she was doing. she's not the victim. the ex wife is the victim of her.

[TaraMaiden]

she knew exactly what she was doing. she's not the victim. the ex wife is the victim of her.

No, the ex-wife is the victim of him.

He's the married one, not her. She had no idea a wife existed when all this began. I think you'll find, he did. ergo, he crapped on his wife, she didn't.

[sm1tten]

Do not take a break. Break up.

 

No, you shouldn't have stayed emotionally involved with this man during his separation and divorce, and you're reaping the harvest of that now... he may truly have wanted to be with you, to love you, and to move on with you (or not) but the fact is that he isn't and probably isn't going to, and he's selfishly holding onto you so that he doesn't have to be alone or feel like he failed at another relationship. Do yourself a favor and launch this one.

[Spices]

Sounds like he wants his cake and eat it.

He may actually want to hook back up with his wife, and engineer something of that kind during the break.

See, he wants her, because he's in love with her, but he wants you because you fulfil some need in him, that obviously he's not getting at home. If he was - you wouldn't even figure.

 

so he's actually seeking the best of both worlds.

 

Yeah, I think all of this is spot on. In the beginning he was fine, until he started to miss her. Little things will remind him of her and he'll become depressed. He says she was his family (all of his family lives in another state) and his best friend.

 

 

 

This is what I would do:

 

I would say to him: Absolutely no contact at all, whatsoever, for one month. Completely.

He can go off and do his stuff and get his head sorted, and you get on with your life.

On a given day and date a month hence, you meet up, and he tells you, there and then, whether he can pursue a relationship with you exclusively - or whether he feels he can't.

 

There is no middle ground here.

He has to decide: it's you, or not you, but you're not prepared to build a life on the ghostly presence (or actual, for that matter!) of his wife.

 

 

I really do agree with this wholeheartedly. I've even suggested that we go our separate ways for a few months but he won't have it. He becomes very emotional and tells me that he can't run the risk of loosing me. He says he needs me in his life and that for now he just needs to take things slow. He's even thanked me for giving him space.

 

This is what makes me stop in my tracks. It's just so hard to see him like that. I do love him very much, and can't see myself with anyone else at the moment. It breaks my heart.

 

You realise she was of significance, but - hello??? so are you! You're not some trampoline he can bounce on as a rebound. (trampoline... see what I did there...? )

 

Seriously - she may have been important. You acknowledge that and take it on board. we all have things we need to work through and get out of our system, to ensure they don't become - and remain - as baggage.

 

memories are different to baggage, yeah?

 

but by the same token, he has to make the effort to move on.

he either does - or he doesn't. But you're not prepared to be the game in this....

 

This is great stuff. I do agree that he does need to sort himself out and close the door on his past before he can truly walk into something meaningful with me.

 

Thanks for the awesome advice, I really appreciate it!

[Spices]

how about you stop f*cking married men, that would be a good start.

 

I only slept with him once he was officially separated (which is still bad, I know). I refused to be physical with him while he was with his wife. We even went on vacation together and never had sex. He tried to persuade me to sleep with him, but I didn't feel comfortable with it.

 

I never victimized his wife. They had problems that had nothing to do with me and he said that they talked about divorce throughout their whole marriage. I believe he just used me as a way out.

Edited July 8, 2011 by Spices

[Spices]

I see this a lil different.

 

Hes not confused at all, he just is still in love with his wife, not you. I think his wife fell out of love with him, and THATS why hes mourning. he just twisted the story to make himself look good. If he had told you he was married, you might not have started this. If he told you he was married, his wife is leaving him, hes mourning over her and cant really fall for you because hes thinking about her, he knows this would never fly. He had to lie.

 

I think he tried to use you to get over her, but he still thinks he has a chance to save his marriage, so he asks for space. If that doesnt work, he wants to keep you as a safety net, untouched by anyone else (so you dont forget about him), until he knows for sure that his marriage is over. So I think anything he has said might not be as true as you think.

 

Either way, forget about him, dont let him use you like that. Go find someone who doesnt have a recent 8 year baggage that he has to get over. Theres no way he could possibly be ready for a full on relationship within the next few years.

 

I know for a fact that he was the one that asked her for the divorce. He showed me their e-mail exchanges. Throughout this time I tried to persuade him to go back and work out his marriage (neither of them even had closure!). He refused to do this because he said that he felt like he didn't want to loose me and that his love for me was stronger. After refusing to go back for a few months he finally decided to give it a try again. Needless to say, it didn't work. He says that the relationship was already damaged beyond reaper.

 

Yes, I do believe his ego is a little hurt from the way she reacted. She was hurt at first, but after a month or two she told him that she got over him fast, and didn't love him anymore. She also started dating right away & she now has a new boyfriend.

 

He just can't get over the fact that she found someone else so fast, which is completely hypocritical of him. What did he expect her to do? Mope over him forever? To be honest, I admire her strength.

Edited July 8, 2011 by Spices

[Spices]

An update

 

So I've been getting sick of the wishy washy behavior from this guy. He still refuses to let go, and says we're together but "not like before". He says we're taking breaks, but still get's frustrated if I ever mention other guys, ect. This week I told him over the phone that I had enough of his behavior & what we had must come to an end. I told him that I wanted to say goodbye to him in person. This resulted in him getting incredibly upset and breaking into tears over the phone. He said that the reason he was spending less time with me was because we were on a "break", he was feeling confused, and he was very busy with school. He kept going on about how scared he was to loose me.

 

He stopped by my house the next day and took me out to dinner. I asked if we could go over to his place but he refused, which was weird. We agreed to say our final goodbyes on a Monday. Well, it was more me than him... according to him we weren't going to say goodbye.

 

When Monday came along he called me and told me that he would meet me at the frozen yogurt place I was at. I thought it was a bit weird that he didn't want me to go over to his place. We meet up and spend the day together. He noticed that I was acting very serious and distant, and kept asking me why I wasn't being myself.

 

We stop by the local pub for dinner & drinks. I begin to ask him why he was so avoiding having me go over to his place & I told him that I thought it was sketchy. He just sighs and says "Yeah... it is sketchy, isn't it? I kind of have a roommate now..." this surprised me, as we talk every day on the phone and he had never told me until now. I asked him who his roommate was and he said "don't worry about it, it's just a friend" when I asked him if it was a guy he said "No, it's a girl. She's only staying for a few days."

 

At this point I was a bit taken aback more at the fact that he wanted to hide this information from me. I told him that I wasn't angry that he had a roommate, but more disappointed that he wanted to hide it from me if possible, and that it was weird that he would want to hide it. I then went on to tell him that it didn't really matter anyway, because today would be the last day that I would see him.

 

He became very visibly upset, and started getting watery eyed right there at the bar. The mood became very awkwardly emotional, and we both wanted to get out of there. He went on to tell me how much he loved me, and that I was the best woman he's ever met. He went on to tell me how much better I was than his wife, ect. and that I was the reason why he left her in the first place. Him saying this kind of pissed me off. I then told him that his divorce wasn't my fault at all, and to never put that blame on me. He then apologized and told me that it wasn't my fault.

 

As we were leaving the bar he grabs me and pulls me in a corner and refuses to let me go. I look at his face and I see that he's crying a lot. He keeps telling me how much he loves me and that he doesn't want to loose me. We stay like this for a long time. The whole time I'm trying to close myself off emotionally and I try to pull back, but he won't let me go.

 

We go to his car to talk for a while and he won't stop crying. He tells me that he agrees that he needs time to get over his ex wife, but he's scared to loose me because "I was the best woman he's ever met" and he's never had anyone treat him so good before. I told him that I had a hard time believing his so called "love" for me because if he wanted to be with me, then he would & he also wouldn't treat me so badly. He agreed that he wasn't treating me the best, and he begged me to just hang in there and give him time. He said that he needed more time to get over his past & his depression before he could give himself to me 100%.

 

We went back to my place. He asks if he can spend the night and I tell him that he can sleep downstairs if he wants. We end up becoming very close and he won't let me go. The mood calmed done and we started laughing and enjoying ourselves. The whole time he kept proclaiming his love. He then said that this wasn't goodbye, and I told him that that wasn't for him to decide. We then started arguing and I tell him to get out of my house. I'd never seen him cry so much... it made me break down too.

 

He left and called me on his way home and when he got home. I remembered that I had a few things at his house and told him that I was going to get them the next day.

 

I come over to his house and he feels the need to show me that his roommate is staying in his guest room & he shows me all of her belongings. He said that he knew I didn't trust him about that, blah, blah. He also went on to show me all of his schoolwork & that he wasn't bull****tng about being busy.

 

We ended up sleeping together... though I was incredibly uncomfortable about it. He noticed this and told me that he was upset about that. We decided to take a nap I left before he woke up. I couldn't help but feel depressed around him.

 

He called me that night (which was yesterday) and asked why I left. I told him that I didn't want to get in the way of his studying. As we were talking he tells me that he wasn't as depressed as usual today. He then started talking about his wife & how he thinks he made a mistake in leaving her. I told him he was right about that & that I had warned him not to leave her from the beginning. I also told him that I did't mind that he was telling me these things because I had lost a lot of my feelings for him & that I didn't think I loved him as much anymore. He got very upset and told me not to tell him that & that I made him depressed again by saying those things, blah blah. I apologized and told him that I didn't feel well & had to go. He asked if he could see me the next day and I told him no. I ended up feeling more depressed after that phone call than I was earlier.

 

 

I don't really know what to do at this point. I'm considering not answering his calls. The only problem is that he becomes very persistent when I don't answer him & ends up calling me & leaving messages nonstop.

 

I don't know what to do! I have living in this relationship limbo. I'm so unhappy.

Edited July 27, 2011 by Spices

[snug.bunny]

He is mourning the loss of a recent relationship, the best thing you can do for him at this stage, is give him the space he requested and be there for him as a friend.

 

You may not be able to do that, because it will obviously be very hurtful for you, so know that it is perfectly reasonable for you to protect yourself and draw certain boundaries that are most certainly required during this difficult time.

[Spices]

I apologies for all the typos and bad grammar in my previous post! I never pre-edited it.

 

He is mourning the loss of a recent relationship, the best thing you can do for him at this stage, is give him the space he requested and be there for him as a friend.

 

You may not be able to do that, because it will obviously be very hurtful for you, so know that it is perfectly reasonable for you to protect yourself and draw certain boundaries that are most certainly required during this difficult time.

 

Yes, I believe yo hit the nail on the head. I know I need to give him time and be there for him, but at the same time my own feelings are getting in the way & I end up feeling hit on the process. It leaves me confused as to what to do. It feels selfish, but difficult to ignore my own feelings while this is going on.

 

I think this song sums things up quite nicely:

 

http://youtu.be/Dwmxd1vPRxM

Edited July 27, 2011 by Spices

[snug.bunny]

Yes, I believe yo hit the nail on the head. I know I need to give him time and be there for him, but at the same time my own feelings are getting in the way & I end up feeling hit on the process. It leaves me confused as to what to do. It feels selfish, but difficult to ignore my own feelings while this is going on.

 

I believe this song sums things up quite nicely:

 

http://youtu.be/Dwmxd1vPRxM

 

Well, when you start to feel that way, refer to this:

 

I dated him for a while without even knowing he was married (she was deployed) and I found out he was married on my own.

[spiderowl]

It's gone from being intense to less intense. That could be natural at this point in a relationship or it could be a sign that things are on the way out. Not helpful, I know!

 

He has withdrawn somewhat and wants space so this is making you uncomfortable. His uncertainty and withdrawal must be disturbing for you, even if he just needs to find himself again and see whether you really are now central to his heart.

 

It must be difficult to know what to do and I sense that when you are warm towards him he moves away and tells you he is uncertain and yet won't let you go. This is not fair on you. I think what you need to think about here is how you feel. You can't control him and his feelings but you can look at how his behaviour and attitudes are affecting you. If you feel uncomfortable and hurt in this situation, then why not withdraw from it and give him the space he says he needs. If he says no, then do it anyway. You can try to bend around him and do what he wants (contradictory things, it seems) or you can pay attention to your own feelings and do what will make you feel more at ease at the moment.

 

It could be that he is beginning to feel you are not the right one for him and to be sure he wants to withdraw. However, he knows he will miss you and you are a great support to him, so of course he will cling on to that. If this is what is happening, then the outcome may not be so happy for you. I hope that it is just a question of him not realising how much you do mean to him because of his confusion. If that is the case, then if you withdraw to look after yourself, he may well realise that you are the one he wants in his life. Just don't let him control you. Look after yourself.

[spiderowl]

Having read the other postings now and your responses, I'm pretty staggered that you are not giving this guy the heave-ho! He gets a room-mate and doesn't tell you? She's female of course. He clings on to you and claims he loves you while going behind your back on this one?

 

I get the impression this guy is going from woman to woman, being emotional to manipulate them. He is saying he loves you but needs space. He wants to be with you but gets a female room-mate and doesn't mention this. He wants you as you have treated him so well but he shouldn't have left his wife. The guy is a mess and, I feel, a selfish manipulator. What is he doing for you? What emotional support and love is he really giving you (apart from sex?). Has he thought about your needs? I'm not getting the impression he has.

 

Again, I say, look after yourself and your own needs first.