dark_perfect Posted July 6, 2011 Posted July 6, 2011 Hi, When I was 17 I fell for a girl at school. She was apart of our circle of friends, so I knew her quite well. It started off as a crush really, but felt more serious than anything I had experienced before, so decided to do something about it. So I asked her out. She said no, but wanted to stay friends. It was difficult, but I tried my best. We struggled at first, because she could tell I still liked her and it made things uncomfortable. A year later though, on my 18th birthday, she told me that the reason she couldn't date me was because she was gay. It might sound strange, but at the time this was life-changing information for me. I had moped for a year over the fact that I wasn't good enough for her, and that revelation helped me to understand that it was actually nothing to do with me. She had only told 2 or 3 people before me that she was gay (and our friendship circle was quite large; her family had no idea either) so I felt she had placed a lot of trust in me. Over the next few months we became incredibly close, and I felt closer to her than I had felt to anyone in my entire life. I helped her through her fear of letting people know that she was gay, and gradually she told more and more people. I went to university three months after my birthday, and she went to Australia for a year out. Unfortunately (my own fault, as I became bad at replying to her emails) we began to lose touch. I also heard from a friend that she had got a boyfriend over there, which confused and hurt me initially, but I tried not to make a big deal of it. I still felt a lot for her at university, and when she came back from Australia (and then went to uni) we kept in contact, but not as much as before. After university (4 years later), we returned to our home town and started seeing more of each other. I was offered a job far from home, and another close, and even though the far away one was almost clearly what I wanted to do, I stayed close so I could see her more often. Things picked up between us, and we got closer again. I told her I still had feelings for her and she apologised but said she didn't feel anything for me. That said, we got closer still. I loved the relationship I had with her, as we told each other everything and would talk four or five times a day. We were in the friendship zone, but such was our trust of each other, we both knew clearly and honestly how the other felt. A few months on, and our relationship took a twist in that she admitted she had a dream in which she slept with me. She regretted telling me at first (I suggested dating at that point!) as she didn't want to lead me on, but after a while we began sending fairly sexual texts to each other late at night. This carried on for a couple of months, and she told me that she'd be willing to start a sexual relationship with me, but was worried it would be too difficult (given our friendship). I wanted her more than anything so did my best to convince her we could manage it. One of the fondest memories i'll have is from one night when she came over, and we watched a film on my couch before she fell asleep lying on top of me with my arms around her. This was as physical as our relationship had gotten (in person - we were struggling to find the bravery to take the next step when with each other), but it's a memory i'll cherish. She went on holiday with her parents, and when she came back she told me she couldn't deal with it and didn't want to lead me on so thought we should stop. I was fairly crushed. We tried to stay friends, but it was difficult. Maybe three months after this, she started texting me again and revealed that the real reason she stopped things was because she had begun seeing someone else from her work, but had broken it off with him because she found out he had a fiancee and he hadn't told her. I felt both proud and devastated for her. Proud because she had the strength to break it off even though she really liked him, and devastated because she clearly liked him a lot. I tried to help her cope with it, and I think i helped her, but she was quite clearly upset for a long time after. We discussed our history, and the fact that she was gay at school but not now. She wasn't lying or anything, she was definitely gay, and she couldn't explain why but she was now attracted to guys too - she just was. Maybe another three months after this, we were back to being friends, and arranged to go skiing together on holiday in the new year (the week of her birthday). We got closer again, and the week before we were set to go away, I took the next step and kissed her when I was round her house. It developed in the space of a night into a full blown sexual relationship, and I was suddenly very excited about the prospect of spending a week with her alone in the mountains. The week on holiday didn't disappoint. We were undoubtedly in a very full on relationship and I was as happy as I could possibly have been. She seemed happy with it too, and gladly admitted that we were in a very serious relationship with each other. When we got back, Valentine's day was soon after and I tried to make it special for her. She's an architect, and I booked the penthouse of a building that she had always told me she wanted to see inside of (it's a landmark in the city, wasn't cheap but I thought it was worth it). It was a surprise too - I didn't tell her until the day what we were going to be doing, and I think she really appreciated what I had done for her. It was an incredible couple of days. That time was without doubt the best of my life. I had become incredibly focused and successful in my work, and had the girl of my dreams at my side. Maybe three months on from Valentine's day, she had voiced concern over our relationship. The main problem was that we were so busy with our respective jobs that we were struggling to find the time to see each other. She was also due to return to university in 6 months time, and she was worried we wouldn't be able to maintain a relationship through it. I asked her to stick with us and said we'd make it work, and she agreed initially. A couple of weeks after though, she texted me to say that she didn't think it was working and that we should stop seeing each other. I was disappointed, but to be honest, I was surprised at how well I was coping with the rejection (keeping in mind that I had felt this way for the girl for nearly 1/3 of my life!). Three weeks after though, I had a week off from work, and I'm not sure what happened but I completely fell to pieces. I think I was ok before because I had been bottling it up, and work had kept me busy (and therefore stopped me from thinking too much), but in the week off I felt destroyed and wanted her back more than anything. Worse still, she had been visting old friends from uni, and there were signs that she might be getting closer to one of them. I asked her if we could go to dinner to discuss things, and she agreed. That was a week ago, and we're going to dinner this Friday. Unfortunately for me, things have been getting worse and worse. I feel like utter crap, and want her back more than anything. I'm trying not to let her know how badly I feel, but I did let it slip that I struggled a bit with our breakup last week. I've lost all focus and drive at work, and am thinking of leaving, and I'm to get any sleep at all. I just lie awake at night thinking and torturing myself, wondering if she's seeing this old friend from uni. At dinner this Friday, I plan on telling her how I feel, without being too downbeat. I want her back, but if she's seeing someone else then there's virtually no chance of this. One of the issues she had with our relationship was that our ability to talk about our feelings over text couldn't be reproduced in person, so i'm hoping telling her how i really feel will show her that we're not incapable of doing so. I plan on acting cheerily and chirpily, treating her as a friend, but being honest over why I'm not faring so well and why I was/am so hurt. Truth be told, I think she lied to me. The reason she said she wanted to end things was because she didn't see any point in carrying on when it would lead nowhere (with return to university looming), but I think there's more to it than that. The simple fact that she seems to have moved on so quickly seems to prove that, and it hurts that she wasn't honest with me. It might just be that she doesn't feel anything for me, but it makes me angry that she didn't just tell me this. If she is seeing someone else too, then I'll also be angry - we have been in that situation before, and she told me that she would be honest with me if she was seeing someone, because it hurts a lot more having me find out later on (usually with me having been suspecting and hurting in the meantime) than just telling me straight away. It feels like an abuse of trust. Am I going overboard with this? Additionally, we've been texting less recently. That's also distressing me. It's possible that it's because she's seeing this other person and therefore doesn't have time for me, but that makes it feel like I'm losing my best friend as well as my girlfriend (we had agreed that we would remain good friends regardless of what happened in our relationship). That's my story, and whilst it's the short version (all this has happened over 7 years), I'm struggling. Badly. I'm writing this at work because I just can't focus on anything else but her. I need some help, so would like advice : How should I play dinner on Friday? Should I tell her that I want her back (assuming she's still single) and make an argument for why we can make things work? I plan on appearing happy and content regardless of how I really feel (don't want to make it a miserable affair for her!), mostly so she doesn't think I'm a complete loser and struggling to cope. She'll want to get back with more if I appear to be getting on with life, rather than moping around, I think. How on earth do I stop thinking about her and start focusing on the things I need to!? Last night, in an attempt to do this, I organised a sky dive (got the urge to jump out of a plane ) and a cycling weekend with some friends in an attempt to keep myself busy and have some fun, and I'm meeting up with some people that I haven't seen in a while. It hasn't helped, and I feel worse than ever today, having had little sleep (couldn't stop thinking about her) and feeling completely unfocused. Having read through some of the other posts here, it is evident that No Contact seems to be a strong suggestion. I may consider this, but she is my best friend, and I really don't want to lose both my girlfriend and my best friend at the same time. Any and all advice is 100% welcome. I feel a bit desperate now. Thanks, N
robdrm32 Posted July 6, 2011 Posted July 6, 2011 Well i can never fully understand how you feel because i'm not you but let me give you advice based on my experience. First, when you meet with her do be happy/cheerful thats a great idea because you don't want to make her feel guilty. That wont get you anything you truly want. Secondly, at some point in the night just plainly say, "I want you back, I want to make this work" and see what she says. That is about all you have to say, she well get the idea, any sort of begging/pleading will not help. She will either want to or not want to, you can't make it happen. Lastly, while i haven't had long lasting relationships I have had a couple that were very, very painful break-ups. And it's like the old saying, time heals all wounds. It does, all you can do is keep yourself as busy as possible. find someone you can talk to and for gods sake, let the tears flow when they come. No it will not be easy, it will be one of the hardest things you ever do. But i can guarantee you that you will get through it and you will find someone again. You may also think about going on a break of talking with her because you have to let her go. Continuing talking to her before you have moved on will prolong the process. So if it doesn't work out friday, tell her that you need time to move on and you will talk to her again someday, just not until you have moved on.
Author dark_perfect Posted July 6, 2011 Author Posted July 6, 2011 Well i can never fully understand how you feel because i'm not you but let me give you advice based on my experience. First, when you meet with her do be happy/cheerful thats a great idea because you don't want to make her feel guilty. That wont get you anything you truly want. Secondly, at some point in the night just plainly say, "I want you back, I want to make this work" and see what she says. That is about all you have to say, she well get the idea, any sort of begging/pleading will not help. She will either want to or not want to, you can't make it happen. Lastly, while i haven't had long lasting relationships I have had a couple that were very, very painful break-ups. And it's like the old saying, time heals all wounds. It does, all you can do is keep yourself as busy as possible. find someone you can talk to and for gods sake, let the tears flow when they come. No it will not be easy, it will be one of the hardest things you ever do. But i can guarantee you that you will get through it and you will find someone again. You may also think about going on a break of talking with her because you have to let her go. Continuing talking to her before you have moved on will prolong the process. So if it doesn't work out friday, tell her that you need time to move on and you will talk to her again someday, just not until you have moved on. Hi, Thanks for these really helpful points. I definitely don't want her to feel guilty. As much as I'm hurting, I care for her and am not looking to make her feel bad. The second suggestion is probably my favourite. I've been playing over potential conversations for Friday in my mind, and I've been struggling over how to tell her that I want her back. Your suggestion sounds great though, as I didn't want to sound like I was begging or completely desperate for her. Not a good look. I'm not very good at crying - I end up attempting to force myself to produce tears by squinting lots - also not a good look! I will, however, try. It's not that I don't feel like crying, but there's some side of me that holds me back. She is still my closest and best friend, and will find it difficult to cut her out of my life, but I think that when she goes back to university in september, that shall be the time for some space and having no contact with each other. I might find it tough, but I really don't want to feel like this forever. It's tough, because not only is she the only person I've ever had feelings for, but the fact that I've had them for so long, and that even after we were seperated for four years I felt exactly the same really gets me worried. Thanks loads for the advice. N
Author dark_perfect Posted July 6, 2011 Author Posted July 6, 2011 As I've already said though, we went 4 years at uni without seeing each other. It was painful. Much better seeing her again after that time.
Author dark_perfect Posted July 6, 2011 Author Posted July 6, 2011 I've been thinking about it this evening at the gym, and I've decided I'm going to give it one last shot before calling it quits. Was hoping someone could give me feedback on whether this is completely pointless or worth one final shot. I'm picking her up on Friday, at which point everything will seem normal and she'll expect to be going to discuss how we feel etc. Once we arrive, I'm going to pull out a red rose hidden in the car and tell her very simply that I want her back and that I want to make it work (thanks, robdrm32). Before she can say anything in reply though, I'll suggest that we go in, giving her no chance to say anything. Once we're inside the restaurant, the waitress will lead us to a table in the corner (we know where we're going already, and it's a quiet restaurant) that has candles, another rose, and a message on it that reads : "All the love that history knows, is said to be in every rose. Yet all that could be found in two, is less than what I feel for you." (I copied this from the web, I'm not going to pretend I wrote it myself). Again, I won't make a fuss about it, and will simply change the subject if she tries to bring it up. The rest of the dinner will be enjoyed as intended, and as previously discussed with us talking honestly about our feelings etc, but I won't say anything more about wanting her back. At some point, I want to drop another message in her pocket that reads : "If I could have just one wish, I would wish to wake up everyday to the sound of your breath on my neck, the warmth of your lips on my cheek, the touch of your fingers on my skin, and the feel of your heart beating with mine... Knowing that I could never find that feeling with anyone other than you. - Courtney Kuchta" Fingers crossed she doesn't discover that one until she gets home. Is this pathetic, or worth a shot? I don't want this ending without knowing that at least I tried to get her back. If it doesn't work, then so be it, I'll have to look towards getting over her. Anyone else want to suggest anything else, too? I was thinking a bottle of wine (that I'll have paid for beforehand) would be there waiting on the table too, but as I'm driving (and therefore won't be drinking) I'm not sure I want her thinking I'm trying to get her drunk! Thanks for all your help, N
robdrm32 Posted July 6, 2011 Posted July 6, 2011 Well not that those are bad ideas of showing how you feel, but when you are trying to win someone back i don't know its what you want to be doing. Taking her out to dinner is a nice enough gesture, the rose ok go with one maybe but the notes i would avoid. It comes across as desperate and that drives women away. It's not that its pathetic, its just too much. You'll be trying too hard. Honestly your best chance is just to tell her you want her back, and that you want to work it out. Basically, be in control of the situation. Throw it out there, if she doesn't respond the way you want then just drop it. If she wants to talk about feelings etc. then let her initiate that. And i'm not suggesting cut her out of your life permanently, but a few months of absolutely no contact whatsoever will help the healing process should she not want to get back with you. Keep this in mind, she knows how you feel already. Telling her you want her back is all you can do, sending out the foray of emotions wont make her understand any better.
Chi townD Posted July 6, 2011 Posted July 6, 2011 Okay, your post confused the hell out of me! First, you said that she told you she's gay. Then, you go on to say that she was seeing someone, but broke it off because she found out that HE was engaged. So....what is it? Is she gay? Is she Bi? Or has she just been lying to you? Regardless, she's been pushing you away EVERY time you two seem to be getting close. Okay, so she's your best friend, but you're looking for more than that, and what she can only provide you with is friendship because she isn't attracted to you. Yep! You need to go NC until you get over these romantic feelings for her. That's not being fair to yourself when you find out that she's seeing other people, while you go out of your way to treat her like a princess.
Author dark_perfect Posted July 7, 2011 Author Posted July 7, 2011 (edited) Ha, Chi townD, you understand why it was so confusing for me too, then! She was gay, definitely, and she told me so when we were 17. She had tried to start a relationship with a girl before, but it's difficult when the other person isn't gay... Then when she went to Australia, she started seeing a guy. She wasn't lying about being gay, but she explained (much later) that she was attracted to the guy. She couldn't explain it, because she was sure she was gay, and simply said she must be bi. Since then though, she has outwardly seemed straight. She has said that she finds girls attractive, but she hasn't met any girls she has wanted a relationship with since she was younger. The reason I want to win her back is (besides simply wanting to be with her) mostly because I don't want to regret not fighting for her. Maybe this isn't the case, but right now (i'm sure you can understand) I feel that I'm only going to find happiness with her, and I'm experienced enough to know that if you don't fight for what you want then you usually end up regretting it if you don't get it. I don't want to feel that way in the future. robdrm32, thinking about it, you are right. Maybe a bit overboard with the messages. I should keep things simple, and think I'll go with a single rose and some candles instead. The notes do seem too desperate. Thanks for the sensible advice. I'm looking at tomorrow night as my last chance to win her over. If it fails, I don't see any other choice than to try and get over her. I know NC seems to be the best way of doing this, but forgive me for being sceptical. It's been 7/8 years that I've felt this way, and a lot of it was spent apart from her with no contact, and my feelings haven't changed for her. That's why I'm not sure NC will help - I really hope it does, and will give it a shot, but I'm not convinced. I'm going to be in trouble if it doesn't. Edited July 7, 2011 by dark_perfect
sd89 Posted July 7, 2011 Posted July 7, 2011 I feel that I'm only going to find happiness with her Whoa bro! That's the core of your problem. Fix that, get it out of your head and move on. Until you change that, moving on will be hard.
Author dark_perfect Posted July 7, 2011 Author Posted July 7, 2011 Whoa bro! That's the core of your problem. Fix that, get it out of your head and move on. Until you change that, moving on will be hard. It's definitely the problem. Simple fix?
Sugarkane Posted July 7, 2011 Posted July 7, 2011 This girl doesn't sound like she knows what she wants. First she's into guys, then gay and then into guys. I think you should go NC.
Author dark_perfect Posted July 7, 2011 Author Posted July 7, 2011 This girl doesn't sound like she knows what she wants. First she's into guys, then gay and then into guys. I think you should go NC. I think she wants a guy, if i'm honest. It started off as gay, and then she was into guys. I don't want to say that she probably just a confused teen, but I'm sure others might.
Author dark_perfect Posted July 11, 2011 Author Posted July 11, 2011 (edited) I think she wants a guy, if i'm honest. It started off as gay, and then she was into guys. I don't want to say that she probably just a confused teen, but I'm sure others might. Ok, so i have an update. Friday went terribly. I was quite optimistic going into it - I thought i was taking the right approach. Unfortunately she texted me at about lunchtime on the day saying that she might not be able to make it as her boss had called a meeting after work. I told her that we can go a bit later, but she insisted she didn't want to make me hang around and requested we do another night if possible. Unfortunately, she's busy next week and off to Croatia the week after, so I knew this wasn't really an option. I told her that I wanted to make dinner work so went to the restaurant and offered the management incentive to keep the restaurant open for us another 2 hours after they were supposed to close. She finished work at around 8, but told me she was too tired to come but really wanted to do another day. So that was that. She then text me to say that she hoped I wasn't holding out for us, because things had changed for her. This made me quite worried, so I pushed things on how they had changed and eventually she admitted that she was now seeing someone else (as I had suspected). From that point on, things just went downhill. I tried ringing her but she never picked up, giving excuses such as her phone's speaker was broken. She was unwilling to borrow her sister's phone or use the house phone or whatever, so I don't know. We got into quite a heated argument (over text). Before she went to bed, she sent me quite an accusing text message, and I replied back with several explaining my points. I wasn't harsh in any way, I don't think. I basically said that I was hurt, and wish the night could have gone differently but that I wasn't angry (even though our previous argument might have led her to believe otherwise) with her, still think a lot of her as a person and a friend, and didn't regret our relationship. The next morning she text back thanking me for the texts. I think once she had read them she realised she had been wrong (in terms of what she had accused me of), because she didn't talk about it anymore (she's usually very determined to defend her point). At the end of it, however, she said that she was sorry that I had been hurt, but that we clearly weren't working as friends and that perhaps we should no longer see each other. I text back saying that I'd appreciate a call, or going for some coffee, or even if I could write down how I feel in an email, simply to talk about things, but that I was happy to give us some space. I haven't heard back from her since. I'm a little bit insulted that she hasn't given us an opportunity to sit down and talk, but she seems to have imposed no contact on us anyway, which is probably for the best. I'm not sure I could have instigated it myself, so in some ways it has made things easier. I'm also a bit insulted that she was so willing and ready to drop our 7 year friendship, but hey, what can you do? I plan on taking out the ultimate revenge by living my life and enjoying it. Hopefully this will help me to move on. I still care for (and dare I say, love) her a lot, but I feel she has shown me a fair amount of disrespect recently, so clearly doesn't feel the same way, meaning I really don't want to waste any more time thinking about her. Hopefully this is the start of a new chapter in my life! Thanks for everyone's help, Nick Edited July 11, 2011 by dark_perfect
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