dark_perfect Posted July 6, 2011 Posted July 6, 2011 Hi, When I was 17 I fell for a girl at school. She was apart of our circle of friends, so I knew her quite well. It started off as a crush really, but felt more serious than anything I had experienced before, so decided to do something about it. So I asked her out. She said no, but wanted to stay friends. It was difficult, but I tried my best. We struggled at first, because she could tell I still liked her and it made things uncomfortable. A year later though, on my 18th birthday, she told me that the reason she couldn't date me was because she was gay. It might sound strange, but at the time this was life-changing information for me. I had moped for a year over the fact that I wasn't good enough for her, and that revelation helped me to understand that it was actually nothing to do with me. She had only told 2 or 3 people before me that she was gay (and our friendship circle was quite large; her family had no idea either) so I felt she had placed a lot of trust in me. Over the next few months we became incredibly close, and I felt closer to her than I had felt to anyone in my entire life. I helped her through her fear of letting people know that she was gay, and gradually she told more and more people. I went to university three months after my birthday, and she went to Australia for a year out. Unfortunately (my own fault, as I became bad at replying to her emails) we began to lose touch. I also heard from a friend that she had got a boyfriend over there, which confused and hurt me initially, but I tried not to make a big deal of it. I still felt a lot for her at university, and when she came back from Australia (and then went to uni) we kept in contact, but not as much as before. After university (4 years later), we returned to our home town and started seeing more of each other. I was offered a job far from home, and another close, and even though the far away one was almost clearly what I wanted to do, I stayed close so I could see her more often. Things picked up between us, and we got closer again. I told her I still had feelings for her and she apologised but said she didn't feel anything for me. That said, we got closer still. I loved the relationship I had with her, as we told each other everything and would talk four or five times a day. We were in the friendship zone, but such was our trust of each other, we both knew clearly and honestly how the other felt. A few months on, and our relationship took a twist in that she admitted she had a dream in which she slept with me. She regretted telling me at first (I suggested dating at that point!) as she didn't want to lead me on, but after a while we began sending fairly sexual texts to each other late at night. This carried on for a couple of months, and she told me that she'd be willing to start a sexual relationship with me, but was worried it would be too difficult (given our friendship). I wanted her more than anything so did my best to convince her we could manage it. One of the fondest memories i'll have is from one night when she came over, and we watched a film on my couch before she fell asleep lying on top of me with my arms around her. This was as physical as our relationship had gotten (in person - we were struggling to find the bravery to take the next step when with each other), but it's a memory i'll cherish. She went on holiday with her parents, and when she came back she told me she couldn't deal with it and didn't want to lead me on so thought we should stop. I was fairly crushed. We tried to stay friends, but it was difficult. Maybe three months after this, she started texting me again and revealed that the real reason she stopped things was because she had begun seeing someone else from her work, but had broken it off with him because she found out he had a fiancee and he hadn't told her. I felt both proud and devastated for her. Proud because she had the strength to break it off even though she really liked him, and devastated because she clearly liked him a lot. I tried to help her cope with it, and I think i helped her, but she was quite clearly upset for a long time after. We discussed our history, and the fact that she was gay at school but not now. She wasn't lying or anything, she was definitely gay, and she couldn't explain why but she was now attracted to guys too - she just was. Maybe another three months after this, we were back to being friends, and arranged to go skiing together on holiday in the new year (the week of her birthday). We got closer again, and the week before we were set to go away, I took the next step and kissed her when I was round her house. It developed in the space of a night into a full blown sexual relationship, and I was suddenly very excited about the prospect of spending a week with her alone in the mountains. The week on holiday didn't disappoint. We were undoubtedly in a very full on relationship and I was as happy as I could possibly have been. She seemed happy with it too, and gladly admitted that we were in a very serious relationship with each other. When we got back, Valentine's day was soon after and I tried to make it special for her. She's an architect, and I booked the penthouse of a building that she had always told me she wanted to see inside of (it's a landmark in the city, wasn't cheap but I thought it was worth it). It was a surprise too - I didn't tell her until the day what we were going to be doing, and I think she really appreciated what I had done for her. It was an incredible couple of days. That time was without doubt the best of my life. I had become incredibly focused and successful in my work, and had the girl of my dreams at my side. Maybe three months on from Valentine's day, she had voiced concern over our relationship. The main problem was that we were so busy with our respective jobs that we were struggling to find the time to see each other. She was also due to return to university in 6 months time, and she was worried we wouldn't be able to maintain a relationship through it. I asked her to stick with us and said we'd make it work, and she agreed initially. A couple of weeks after though, she texted me to say that she didn't think it was working and that we should stop seeing each other. I was disappointed, but to be honest, I was surprised at how well I was coping with the rejection (keeping in mind that I had felt this way for the girl for nearly 1/3 of my life!). Three weeks after though, I had a week off from work, and I'm not sure what happened but I completely fell to pieces. I think I was ok before because I had been bottling it up, and work had kept me busy (and therefore stopped me from thinking too much), but in the week off I felt destroyed and wanted her back more than anything. Worse still, she had been visting old friends from uni, and there were signs that she might be getting closer to one of them. I asked her if we could go to dinner to discuss things, and she agreed. That was a week ago, and we're going to dinner this Friday. Unfortunately for me, things have been getting worse and worse. I feel like utter crap, and want her back more than anything. I'm trying not to let her know how badly I feel, but I did let it slip that I struggled a bit with our breakup last week. I've lost all focus and drive at work, and am thinking of leaving, and I'm to get any sleep at all. I just lie awake at night thinking and torturing myself, wondering if she's seeing this old friend from uni. At dinner this Friday, I plan on telling her how I feel, without being too downbeat. I want her back, but if she's seeing someone else then there's virtually no chance of this. One of the issues she had with our relationship was that our ability to talk about our feelings over text couldn't be reproduced in person, so i'm hoping telling her how i really feel will show her that we're not incapable of doing so. I plan on acting cheerily and chirpily, treating her as a friend, but being honest over why I'm not faring so well and why I was/am so hurt. Truth be told, I think she lied to me. The reason she said she wanted to end things was because she didn't see any point in carrying on when it would lead nowhere (with return to university looming), but I think there's more to it than that. The simple fact that she seems to have moved on so quickly seems to prove that, and it hurts that she wasn't honest with me. It might just be that she doesn't feel anything for me, but it makes me angry that she didn't just tell me this. If she is seeing someone else too, then I'll also be angry - we have been in that situation before, and she told me that she would be honest with me if she was seeing someone, because it hurts a lot more having me find out later on (usually with me having been suspecting and hurting in the meantime) than just telling me straight away. It feels like an abuse of trust. Am I going overboard with this? Additionally, we've been texting less recently. That's also distressing me. It's possible that it's because she's seeing this other person and therefore doesn't have time for me, but that makes it feel like I'm losing my best friend as well as my girlfriend (we had agreed that we would remain good friends regardless of what happened in our relationship). That's my story, and whilst it's the short version (all this has happened over 7 years), I'm struggling. Badly. I'm writing this at work because I just can't focus on anything else but her. I need some help, so would like advice : How should I play dinner on Friday? Should I tell her that I want her back (assuming she's still single) and make an argument for why we can make things work? I plan on appearing happy and content regardless of how I really feel (don't want to make it a miserable affair for her!), mostly so she doesn't think I'm a complete loser and struggling to cope. She'll want to get back with more if I appear to be getting on with life, rather than moping around, I think. How on earth do I stop thinking about her and start focusing on the things I need to!? Last night, in an attempt to do this, I organised a sky dive (got the urge to jump out of a plane ) and a cycling weekend with some friends in an attempt to keep myself busy and have some fun, and I'm meeting up with some people that I haven't seen in a while. It hasn't helped, and I feel worse than ever today, having had little sleep (couldn't stop thinking about her) and feeling completely unfocused. Any and all advice is 100% welcome. I feel a bit desperate now. Thanks, N
Author dark_perfect Posted July 6, 2011 Author Posted July 6, 2011 Wrong forum, I've reposted this in the correct one (http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?p=3495816#post3495816), but could someone delete this one? Thanks, N
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