Messed Up!! Broke NC in a really bad way!

[RuinedLife]

Ok so I messed up big time and broke NC last week in a really stupid way. I knew I was going to break it, but the way I broke it was really bad because I said things I should never have said, like telling my ex bf how much I still love him and miss him and that I was really sad and depressed without him.

 

And I know it was stupid. Really stupid! But now that predictable thing is happening and he's ignoring me again cold. And of course its breaking my heart and I'm zapping my brain with a tazer.

 

I know what you're all going to say already, so don't really know why I'm even posting this on here. So others can learn the importance of NC from my continuing mistakes I guess. I'm lucky though because my tablets are making me more numb to emotional extremes these days so at least I'm not feeling the full force of yet another cold rejection as badly as I did on previous occasions.

 

Feel free to hit me guys. I am hitting myself again right now.

[Mack05]

Ruined,

 

This is not a "I told you so forum". That's what makes it one of the best forums on the net. People don't come here to stick the knife in. You have to STOP this self destructive behaviour. You have to STOP beating yourself up. It's time to move on Ruined, accept the relationship is over and that he is never coming back. You now have to focus on you (just you) and rebuild your self esteem/self belief/self confidence which is so low at the moment. I posted this in another thread about self esteem...I think it's just as relevant to you..

 

"I want to post a quote a famous boxer used 25 years ago. The Rationale behind hard training is to feed the belief and starve the doubt..Now he was talking about physical training, but the above quote can be used on everyday life. I cannot over emphasize just important rebuilding your self esteem is. By rebuilding your self esteem, your feeding your inner belief and starving the fear, starving the doubt.

 

To rebuild your self esteem you need to work on yourself..this can take time but it's necessary if we are going to find the relationship I described above. When we are lacking self esteem our relationship trends, tend to follow how we are feeling within ourselves. For example if we suffer from insecurities, the relationship will suffer from these types of problems (sometimes without us even noticing). From now on, I refuse to even consider entering into a relationship until I feel 100% within myself. It's not up to someone else to make me happy. It's up to me to make me happy. Once I am happy and secure the chances of me being a good partner going forward increases dramatically.

 

There are different ways you can rebuild self esteem.

 

1) Emotionally (getting to truly know yourself, forgiving yourself for past mistakes etc etc),

2) Physically (working out)

3) Spiritually (whatever your faith).

 

I also notice community work, helping people out is great for self esteem. Being a better friend and family member (i.e. making even more of an effort with loved one's) is another great way of building self esteem. There are loads of ways to make yourself, truly love yourself again

 

You are consumed with fear and self doubt. As I said above, you badly need to rebuild your self esteem. If you don't rebuild your self esteem, you will continue to have toxic relationships like the one you have been involved in. You will stay in the vicious circle. First 3-6 months great, then fighting over silly stuff until the relationship breaks down. Worse still, by having this opinion of yourself, you will not be living life. Right now you are involved in self destructive behaviour, Begging/pleading with an ex to take you back. Constantly putting yourself down. I don't want to sound harsh but that is not what someone looks for in a partner. I know because I was like you. Hanging onto to false hope, trying everything (pleading, manipulating, begging) to save a dead relationship. You know what I think now that I am rebuilding my self esteem? I have no idea why my ex stayed with me as long as she did, because I didn't like me so why on earth should she!? My point is as long as you have this opinion of yourself it's impossible for you to be in a happy, healthy, nourishing long term relationship.."

Edited July 6, 2011 by Mack05

[RuinedLife]

Yes I know you're right Mack. I need to change. I need to break free from the past.

 

I'm hoping to get better therapy soon. I know it was stupid of me to break NC and this is in no way an excuse but the reason I did, was because my ex initiated contact first and appeared to be genuinely concerned about me. Of course this was no reason to lay out on the table exactly how I feel, how much I love him still and how much I miss him still. But at the time it felt like that right thing to do, no matter how deeply I regret it now.

 

I suppose I just struggle a lot because I literally have no other friends than me ex and without him to turn to I feel incredibly lost and hopeless. I know I need to be happy alone and happy by myself first, and I know you probably won't believe this but I was doing a little better before this latest incident. Problem is that the love I have for my ex is still so intense and I don't know how to lessen this love I have for him.

 

I'm reading the self help book you recommended, but it only makes me feel more sad because I honestly believe the relationship me and my ex had was a really good one and even though my ex has some issues and clearly doesn't love me or want me in his life anymore I still love him immensely. I just wish I knew how to disintegrate this love I have for him so I could really start to move on.

[geegirl]

Oh hun, no one is going to come on here and reprimand you or give you the old I told you so. Sometimes we have to hit rock bottom before we finally realize that the only way now is to swim up. Don't be so hard on yourself.

 

You had hope in your heart that maybe things would turn around and you couldn't shake it off. Well, you went out there and gave it one last shot and it didn't work out. If you didn't, you'd most likely be pining and pondering, letting the thought of reaching out consume your every waking minute. I'm not condoning that it was okay to break NC, but that sometimes we all need to learn and accept in our own way.

 

Well, it doesn't matter how you did it or what you did. It's done. So, where do you go from here? It's been 6 months NC. You have not used any of that time to find your way out. Are you going to invest another 6 months in now wondering how to rectify what just happened? Spend another 6 months pining over why he left, why he's cold, can't live without him thoughts? Because if you look back, you've spent all that time for naught. What did it bring you? Nothing. Where did it get you? Nowhere. You're still in that same black hole. Aren't you tired of being there?

 

Through all the posts that you received about how to move forward -- I will say you need to get a new therapist, I digress -- start reading through again and now start working on giving up this path that you have been walking. It's now time to really grieve because for the past 6 months you focused on hope, him, chances, etc. Now focus on letting go, acceptance, grieving and healing. Now is the time you embrace the finality of it all and purge it all out.

 

It doesn't matter what he feels anymore or how he views you. It does not matter. I told you this before. No one will ever look at you in a positive manner if you don't look at yourself as worthy and valuable. You can't change what happened but you can change what is ahead of you. With hurt comes growth. You must grow from this, not wilt away to nothing.

 

Start with your therapist. I hope she is not the kind that sits there with a pad and paper and just listens. Be proactive with her. Ask her to give you writing assignments -- work on the hard questions which make you think and focus on what's going on with you and why you do the things you do. You throw questions at her and pick her brain. Ask her if positive affirmations work and how to make it a habit. Ask her to get you some self-help books. Discuss together what you've read. Popping pills and masking the pain is temporary. No more escaping RL. You've been hiding behind everything and anything. Well, you gave it one more shot and now you face it head on. No more going back and hiding.

 

I know you can't get out of the house. Give yourself a few days to feel your pain but no more than that. You've spent way too much time feeling sorry for yourself. Start working on your writing. Think of two or three projects. Start working on them. Even if he is in the back of your mind, pick up that laptop and plug away. One thing at a time. One day at a time. One step at a time.

[Mack05]

Sadly there is no quick fix for a broken heart Ruined. What you have to stop doing is beating yourself up. If you keep doing this, you will just stay stuck in the hole you are in. If you stop beating yourself up and forgive yourself, then you can start to grieve in the proper, healthy way. This may sound strange coming from Mr NC (me) but in this instance after everything that has just happened, it might not be a bad idea for you to write a FINAL letter to your ex. Take your time with it (I would recomend writing it over a period of 2-4 weeks)..Last night, I get the impression everything just came flowing out and you didn't get to say what you really wanted to say. What normally happens here is that we push our ex's even further away if that is possible. I advocate NC most of the time, but here I really do think you need to write down everything you want to say to him in a letter.

 

You have to write this letter though as a means of getting closure for you. This letter should be used as part of the process of letting him go. You can't write it in the hope he is going to want to start things again. He never will and you need to drill this into yourself. Explain how sorry you are, how you intend on bettering yourself as a person and finally how you wish him well in his life. Make a promise to never contact him again (and never break it). Ask him also to return the favour and not contact you. Once you send that letter this chapter in your life should be officially considered over..

 

With regarding friends try volunteering on a weekend. It's a great way to meet people and it's great to help those less fortunate then we are. Also, here is a great website for meeting up and having fun on weekends, recommended to me by GeeGirl on this site -> http://www.meetup.com/. Does it take courage to get out and do these things? Absolutely! But for every courageous thing we do, our self esteem improves because of it.

 

Right know you got to find courage you don't even know you have. I am glad you are sticking with Therapy (hopefully a new Therapist). Stay as long as he/she recommends.

Edited July 6, 2011 by Mack05

[amethyste]

Darling, I read your story (the one about your relationship), and I wanted to tell you that I can't understand why you keep blaming yourself so much. It wasn't your fault...

[thelovingkind]

Just another one who wants to say we have allllllllll messed up NC. The real key to being strong and successful in the long run is not being 100 percent perfect regarding NC - if that were the case we would none of us have moved on. Being successful is about pulling yourself back together as soon as you make the mistake and imprinting the memory of how stupid and futile it was into your memory bank so that you don't make it again. It's about acknowledging that it was an error of judgement but not using that error to label yourself a weak, failed person. You are a strong person who had a moment of weakness, not a weak person. Believe it! Or you'll never get past this.

[sunshine103]

Please stop beating yourself up for a slight misstep. You did nothing "really stupid," you followed your heart because you still have strong feelings for your ex. Use it as a learning experience, since you poured your heart out to this guy again and he ignored you. ITS OKAY!!!! We all slip and make errors in judgment. Just learn from that experience and work on your broken heart. Maybe him ignoring you was a good thing and an eye opener. Maybe you can bury the hatchet with your ex once and for all.

[Graceful]

Enough already with the self-flogging routine.

 

You want us to give you a tongue lashing, don't you? You want us to tell you you're in a self defeating, repetitive, tedious, frustrating, pointless, destructive pattern, don't you?

 

Well, I'm not gonna fall for it. Nope. Not me.

 

I'm here to tell you that you have to do what you have to do. So you contacted your ex. YAWN.

 

What's the big deal here?

 

It was not on CNN. It did not make the front page of the NYT. The world did not come to an end, we're all here, you're here, so for crying out loud, it's OKAY.

 

You're no worse off, are you? Seriously. You're not. You know your ex isn't coming back, and that it's your denial talking most of the time insisting you still have a chance.

 

So the more in touch you get that the r/l is over, the better. Even if it means getting shot down by breaking NC.

 

Now let me say what you already know: you've got bio-chemical issues, you're getting help, and you're reaching out as best you can. I honestly believe you are trying in your own way, and you would not be on this forum if you weren't.

 

Forget the self help books. READ A REGULAR BOOK. This might seem like a small thing, but it will help normalize you and help you to stop making your breakup the center of your world.

 

I know I need to be happy alone and happy by myself first, and I know you probably won't believe this but I was doing a little better before this latest incident.

Know what? I do believe you were feeling better. But there's a part of me, and a part of you that knows that you're afraid of letting go, so even feeling better scared the crap out of you.

 

Problem is that the love I have for my ex is still so intense and I don't know how to lessen this love I have for him. I just wish I knew how to disintegrate this love I have for him so I could really start to move on.

This is something that might help, and I posted it in another thread because it is what I truly believe.

Picture your heart as a grid with hundreds if not an infinite number of squares in it. They represent the capacity you have to love and care for all the people in your life. Consider it elastic, as it will grow as you grow, as the capacity is limitless and endless (it really is, the more you love and let people in, the more space your heart makes to let more in). So your ex used to be front and center in the grid, taking up loads of the squares, but he never took up ALL of the squares, now did he? You have a family you love and care about, you might have a pet, friends, even teachers that you loved along the way, that are in your heart. So they are taking up a lot of those squares, too.

 

So now, believe it or not, your ex really isn't front and center anymore, b/c he's out of the picture. And he's not taking up as many squares, because you don't feel as intense love when it's a one way street. (sorry, but that's the truth) -- Love has to be returned to feel the full enthrallment.

 

So know, for now, that your ex really is taking up less space in your heart, whether you realize it or not. And realize that even if he stays there indefinitely, you have LOADS and LOADS of space to love and care for many more people. It's not that big a deal to still love him, it's a much bigger deal to see that your heart is immense, you just haven't tested it out yet. And get a clue: over time, he will take up fewer and fewer squares, and even if he stays there for the rest of your life, you have room in your heart for him, a new guy that is better for you, and plenty more. Your heart is an asset. You can protect it only so much, but it's much better to put it to good use.

 

Now will you stop berating yourself? Kinda wears me out.

Take care.

Edited July 6, 2011 by Graceful

[sd89]

If you really want to get back with him, trying working on your insecurities like everyone else here said. This might make you attractive towards him again. Right now he probably sees your behavior as unattractive and thats why he gives you the shoulder.

[Mack05]

I don't particulary agree with Graceful here. Moving on from someone, is not as simple as turning a light switch on/off. Because Ruined, you have been beating yourself up for your mistakes and obsessing about the relationship for 6 months, you haven't moved on an iota from the day it happened. I think Gee said it best above -> "One thing at a time. One day at a time. One step at a time".

 

We all have different ways of moving on. Reading a normal book for me at the start of the grieving process wouldn't personally help me. For me self help books, learning more about myself and my involvement as to why the relationship failed, is a far better way of grieving a relationship and also learning more about myself. Reading extracts in these books (that I could identify with) enabled me to reflect on the relationship and grieve for it in the proper way. If I am in your situation -> One thing at a time. One day at a time. One step at a time for me this is reading 1) Getting past your breakup 2) How to break your addiction to a person 3) if you have time, I can mend your broken heart..You should be able to finish both these books in less then a month.

 

While you are reading these books I would write your an ex a final letter. As I said above.."You have to write this letter though as a means of getting closure for you. This letter should be used as part of the process of letting him go. You can't write it in the hope he is going to want to start things again. He never will and you need to drill this into yourself. Explain how sorry you are, how you intend on bettering yourself as a person and finally how you wish him well in his life. Make a promise to never contact him again (and never break it). Ask him also to return the favour and not contact you. Once you send that letter this chapter in your life should be officially considered over.."

 

Once you have completed the above process and truly started to leave go, then it's time to get back to normality. Time to drag yourself up by the bootlaces and make new dreams for yourself. Write short term goals, long term goals and do whatever it takes to rebuild your self confidence/self esteem. We are all here for you ruined. Use this site as it is a great resource..

Edited July 6, 2011 by Mack05

[Graceful]

Mack,

 

I was kind of being tongue in cheek ... sorry if that didn't translate very well.

 

If reading a "normal" book doesn't work for you, that's fine, but the advice was for RL, so let her decide. And there is LOTS of chick lit out there that is about romance gone wrong that's done in a very cute and funny way that gets people to lighten up.

 

And did I say it was like switching off a faucet? mmmmm. Again, sorry if you took it that way, but that was not my intent at all.

 

But why don't we let RL judge for herself.

 

I don't particulary agree with Graceful here. Moving on from someone, is not as simple as turning a light switch on/off.

RL has been working on her breakup for close to 6 months, so again, I don't think I was implying that she should turn off her feelings that easily. Seems out of left field, but that's okay.

 

RL said she tried reading self help books. And it wasn't working. So why keep doing that? Take a break. That's all I was implying. And to lighten up.

 

You know, I think many people would be very surprised how much they learn when they're not trying. Read, watch a movie, talk about it, share ideas, get outside yourself for awhile. That's healthy in my book.

 

I wasn't slighting you, but you seem to have taken it that way, and I'm not sure why. I give my advice to the OP, in this case RL. If i offended you in any way, I apologize.

 

Sometimes, the most gratifying feelings that come from healing are the most subtle. Like being able to say, "I didn't cry today" or "I enjoyed listening to some music again!" or little things like that. Things like that can be monumental, they certainly were for me after being in agony over my breakup.

 

Take care, Mack. Let's just agree we're all here for the purpose to help each other, and the beauty is giving the OP different points of view. I don't agree with lots of advice I see on LS, but if it helps someone, then that's cool with me. I take a different approach, and watch out for a little of my dry wit, because that's embedded some of the time -- and I usually put some emoticons in there, to make that clear. Enjoy your day.

[Mack05]

Graceful sorry if I came across rude. I have read a lot of your posts and I respect your opinions. Absolutely nothing wrong with not fully agreeing on a certain issue. It's good to have different opinions out there. What is right for someone, may not be right for someone else. That's why it's great to get different opinions and why the site works so well..

[AlisaMarie]

Graceful is right. It's not the end of the world. Sometimes we just want to "see" for ourselves, as our dumpers do. Even when all hope is lost us dumpees may still want to "check in." It's normal for both parties.

[AlisaMarie]

BTW... mack and graceful are both amazing LS members with wonderful advice. I don't know what I would do without this site.

[broken-and-lost]

ruined, i've been in the same position as you many times i've broken nc because the ex sent me a pointless e-mail or text where i thought she still cared i beat myself up daily for 6 months and a year before that i was scared to even voice an opinion in my relationship because i blamed myself so much for everything going wrong due to my depression yes i did suffer from it and yes i did things wrong but i was not a monster but i wanted to believe i was because the ex transferred all her hate onto me i could do no right no matter what i did or even if she was in the wrong till one day i realised i don't care what she thinks of me not anymore i'm a good person who like anyone has made mistakes YOU ARE A GOOD PERSON TOO once you stop caring what he thinks and start to forgive yourself and heal you will learn to be happy again.

 

all the advice by the people on here is good try to use it and please start to FORGIVE YOURSELF we all make mistakes it's scary to be alone after a break up but it's also an opportunity to grow as a person at 37 i'm starting fresh and yes i'm a little scared at times and i have a few bad days but also i've grown as a person so much and managed to beat my depression. You can and you will be happy.

 

You will get no peace from you ex nor should you care believe in yourself as a person

[RuinedLife]

Hey guys, you've all given me really great advice yet again so many thanks to all of you!

 

But seems I've not yet learnt all the lessons I need to, as I keep trying to reconnect with my ex to make him miss me but of course its not working, and quite possibly working in the opposite way, i.e. pushing him further away from me.

 

The cold harsh truth of the matter is I'm pretty sure my ex has a new girl friend. I don't know for sure, but seems very likely going by how he continually ignores me and by how cold he is towards me.

 

But I know it makes no difference whether he has a new gf or not in the long run, as what we had has been a long time dead, and I'm still struggling to see it but hopefully I will get to a point soon where I can really start to let go.

 

I'm reading this book at the moment called 'Its Called A Break Up Because Its Broken' and it points out all the really obvious things about failed relationships etc. Also its more engaging than other books I've been trying to read like 'How To Get Past Your Break Up' and 'I Can Mend Your Broken Heart' and quite lighthearted so hopefully will give me a chance to analyse the wreckage of my failed relationship while also slowly re-building my sense of fun and knocking more 'don't take things so seriously' messages into my brain. Thus combining both Mack's, geegirl's and Graceful's advice hopefully.

 

But don't get me wrong, I know I still have a long way to go and there will no doubt be a lot of stumbles along the way.

 

Mack I can certainly see the merits of your 'letter suggestion', as it would be a good way to lay all my feelings out on the table once and for all and finally get any loose ends tied up in my mind. But I also think that even though I'm in denial still and may well try to talk to my ex again, everything has been said and he knows how I feel. I know he does. He just doesn't feel the same. Its clear from his actions and yet I am still refusing to accept it. Still insistent upon living in this delusional fantasy world that I have created for myself. Still with no idea how to escape and make peace with the real world and the real truth of the break up.

 

At the moment my medication is making me feel very numb inside and even though my heart still aches, I still regret many things and I still long for my ex back, I don't feel the despair or the sadness as I did before. Whether this numbness will last or not I don't know. But at the moment, its making me numb to things, so although I feel as if I should be more despairing and more upset right now... (as I would usually be in floods of tears) I'm not. And I'm convinced that its my medication that is making me feel hollow and numb inside like this. Usually I would be really despairing now, thinking 'How could I do that?? Its the end of the world!!! I can't cope with this!!' But now I'm just stuck with 'Huh, so I did that again. That was stupid. Oh well. Next time I'll do better.' So I'm STILL living in denial, but a denial without the pain.

 

Next step is to get rid of the denial and start facing reality!

Edited July 7, 2011 by RuinedLife

[betterdeal]

Don't be sad it's over: be happy it happened.

 

Take up something like yoga or a martial art like aikido. Yoga has helped me and many other enormously. It gives you an hour - just one hour - where you focus on you. And after about 10 classes I started having really vivid and beautiful meditative visions at the end of some classes. Shapes, patterns, colours, all perfectly unique.

 

It feels so nice. Try it.

[Mack05]

Don't be sad it's over: be happy it happened.

 

Take up something like yoga or a martial art like aikido. Yoga has helped me and many other enormously. It gives you an hour - just one hour - where you focus on you. And after about 10 classes I started having really vivid and beautiful meditative visions at the end of some classes. Shapes, patterns, colours, all perfectly unique.

 

It feels so nice. Try it.

 

Great post Betterdeal as always...This is better (forgive the pun) advice then people realise. I am doing Pilates and while it's probably not as benificial as Yoga, it's great to do something completely different from the gym. It takes you to a completely different place and you don't even have to be fit. You get so used to the routine, you look forward to it. Betterdeal I think this deserves a thread on it's own. I can't get over the positive influence going to Pilates classes has had on my own personal recovery..

[geegirl]

I believe the difficult part for RL is that she is going through an illness and it hampers her ability to be involved in physical activity. And she is confined in her home so it makes it harder for her to do those things that is often advised when trying to heal and that is to focus on oneself which is the gym, going out with friends, volunteering, getting involved in outdoor activities, etc. It's difficult to find an "escape" when enclosed by four walls and I can only imagine the frustration.

 

RL, I apologize for speaking on your behalf. Just seeking ideas, wondering what else you can do, aside from writing that will help distract you.

[Mack05]

I believe the difficult part for RL is that she is going through an illness and it hampers her ability to be involved in physical activity. And she is confined in her home so it makes it harder for her to do those things that is often advised when trying to heal and that is to focus on oneself which is the gym, going out with friends, volunteering, getting involved in outdoor activities, etc. It's difficult to find an "escape" when enclosed by four walls and I can only imagine the frustration.

 

RL, I apologize for speaking on your behalf. Just seeking ideas, wondering what else you can do, aside from writing that will help distract you.

 

Gee that's the thing. I can't speak for Yoga but Pilates requires no fitness level, especially at the beginner level. I don't know what illness RL has, but I would be surprised if Pilates/Yoga can't help in a positive way..

[TheHurtProcess]

We're all human. We're allowed to make mistakes here and there. Try not to beat yourself up over it.

 

To be honest, you don't always have to start from square one. My ex broke NC a few weeks ago and I gave in. We hung out for a few wonderful days and then she realized that she "didn't know what she wanted" all over again. So, we resumed NC right where we left off and to be honest, I hurt no more or no less than I had felt the day before NC was broken. It's as if I picked up healing right where I had left off.

[geegirl]

Gee that's the thing. I can't speak for Yoga but Pilates requires no fitness level, especially at the beginner level. I don't know what illness RL has, but I would be surprised if Pilates/Yoga can't help in a positive way..

 

Mack, I believe from one of her posts she said that she's mostly in bed. I have done pilates, at the beginners level and it does require at least some level of strength and balance. Hopefully it is something RL can start off slowly.

 

RL, I don't mean to speak as if you're not here. Not wanting to be rude.

 

Mack, has a great idea. Maybe you could see if a beginners level can help add some form of exercise and activity in your daily routine. Could be a great way to focus and target a goal, all depending on how you feel physically though.

[RuinedLife]

Mack, I believe from one of her posts she said that she's mostly in bed. I have done pilates, at the beginners level and it does require at least some level of strength and balance. Hopefully it is something RL can start off slowly.

 

RL, I don't mean to speak as if you're not here. Not wanting to be rude.

 

Mack, has a great idea. Maybe you could see if a beginners level can help add some form of exercise and activity in your daily routine. Could be a great way to focus and target a goal, all depending on how you feel physically though.

 

Yes I will look into doing some form of meditation based or gentle exercise like Pilates or yoga. Sounds like a good idea.

 

My physical health varies, so some days I feel worse than others, so will definitely try to do more physical activities on my better days so I can hopefully start to move forward from this heartache.

[betterdeal]

At close to my lowest point, my goal for the day was to brush my teeth. Some days I didn't achieve it; others I did. I kept that goal. To start with, I'd get upset with myself if I didn't achieve it, but then I started being more kind to myself. And, slowly, I got pretty good at it, and the days I did achieve it started to outnumber the days I didn't.

 

Another goal I added was to change my underwear every day. And I went through the same process.

 

If yoga or pilates seems like a mountain right now, find something that feels like a hill, and start with that. The secret of all success is practice.

 

Maybe have a look at http://moodgym.anu.edu.au/welcome and see if that's of interest to you.