Guide me to understand this girl

[MrJay22]

Let me start from very beggining.

 

I met this girl from work like 4 months ago. I really like this girl but then 1 month ago I started "hanging out" with her. She made it clear to me that she was not ready to make commitment but she would date any guys. We hanged out 3 times and a lot of things happened. We became much more closer. We started texting each other everyday. On the 3rd hang out, when I drop her to her house I hug her goddbye then she surprisingly kissed me. On the way home she text me that "she wonders when am I going to kiss her". And she said that I should have stayed with her after that night out. She didnot invted me but she thought I knew about it. But I did not know she feels that way. She said " Now you got no excuse to make a move on me" So shes giving me permission to make a move. I also told her I respect her and I'm taking it slow and being friends. But this is the time my FEELINGS GREW! And thought I now have a big chance!

 

The next day, I went on my holiday for 2 weeks in Ibiza (Guys holiday). So I message her every single day so she wont feel like I forgot about her. Theres a lot of women that wanted to have sex with me and inviting me to their room. But I just being friendly and turned them down because I been thinking about this girl every second. I even organized and phoned our local florist to send her roses while on my holiday abroad. So then she recieved the roses and she really loved it.

 

When I came back from holiday then everything seems to be changed. She never text back and I heared she dated a guy whie I was on holiday but didnt work out. And now she's kinda entertaining another guy and I have a feeling she like him. I felt really awkward and dissappointed. But said to myself make the best man win.

Then after 1 week of patience I asked her nicely whats going on, and said "Am I still allowed to make a move?" She said She really like my company and rather be friends but no more. Then I started to move on like a man even it is really painfull.

 

Now, last week she started txting me again and we went out for few drinks last night which I surely I though only friendly. We really had fun and talked the whole night. She seriously mention that she will take me to her home town.However, I didnt confront her about love life and whats happening between me and her. Her body language was obvious and she MIGHT still attracted to me. Now she told me that she and I should go for a coffee today.

 

Now the question is, WHAT IS THIS GIRL PLANNING TO DO TO ME? Does she really meant that she really wanted to be friends with me? Or does she planning to play with my feelings? OR Did she realize that I really care for her?

 

I really wanted to move on and meet other potential girls if we are only friends but How can I when we always hang out and see her at work?

[smudge21]

She clearly loves the attention and may just be using guys to build up her ego. She may also just like random sex.

 

Either way, you need to try and stay a bit distant. It doesn't come across like she'd be willing to be exclusive to you and I doubt you'd be willing to share.

 

If you still want to pursue this however, then you need to back off a little now. She's used to guys chasing her and when they don't she drops massive hints (what she said about you making a move is obvious), so play it cool now. Make it clear you're interested, but don't go running when she asks. Make her miss you, make her want to hear from you and see you. Put it this way, when you don't hear from her, you miss her and want her more, then why you do hear from her, it makes you happy. It's simple. Do the same to her. I know that's childish and it's like playing a game, but that's really what this is.

 

As much as I hate these situations, she did at least make it clear what she is after. So either go with it but don't get emotionally involved, or back away and find someone else.

 

Finally you shouldn't be thinking what is she planning to do to you - why should she have all the power? . Be honest with yourself, what do you want?

[MrJay22]

Thanks for reply. I think I will move on but I will keep her as a friend and hang out but no emotion attach because I really enjoyed her company. Its better having her than than not having her.

[smudge21]

If you can keep the emotions in check then I'd agree, but as things have built up and as I can pretty much guess this girl will find it a challenge to make you want her (it'll bruise her ego if you don't), I reckon being just her friend could prove difficult.

 

Whatever you decide to do, think with your head, not your heart.

[MrJay22]

We just went for a coffee just now and as always we chatted non-stop for 2 hours. I agree it will be difficult to be friends with her when I have feelings. So What should I do? Should I try to keep a distance and remove contacts? then be friends with her when my heart fully healed? because I really wanted to be friends with her.

Plus she did not meant to hurt me, she just dont find me attractive and dont find me as a lover? I dont want to be like a dick and ignore her because she turned me down.

Edited July 6, 2011 by MrJay22

[NeverDated]

She could be attention seeking. Or, she could be legitimately into you and afraid to come across as an easy lay. Many things could have changed when you were on holiday.

 

To me, it really sounds like while you were away, she thought about the situation and began to fear your interest only rose because she confessed you should make a move. After all, you sent her flowers suddenly, something (I'm assuming) you didn't do before she told you to go for it. So, she had time to think about it, felt a bit guilty about being so forward and backed off to reestablish a healthy distance.

 

Of course...that's just my opinion and the best case scenario. It's also highly possible that she just wants to play around. You left, showed too much interest in her while you were on holiday and she thought you were coming on too strong. She moved on, but doesn't want to lose the attention you gave her, so she's going to keep you on the hook in case she ever wants it.

 

What should you do? Don't torture yourself and only contact her if you have to. Don't send the "hey, how's it going?" texts. And, definitely, don't say yes every time she asks you to go for coffee; make her think you're busy with other things to ensure she doesn't think you're obsessed with her. If she's playing you, this will turn the game around and maybe even end it. If she's feeling guilty, it will give her time to work her head out and decide what she wants.

 

At work, just treat her like anyone else. Pretend nothing ever happened.

[smudge21]

There is nothing worse then developing feelings for a girl who doesn't share them the same way. Take a look at my sig for a hint at how bad things can get.

 

If you truly honestly can be just her friend, then go for it - treat her like a friend. It does sound like you both get along well so who knows, maybe it could turn into something more and aslong as you play it right, there will always be that little bit of interest on her side. As others say, don't be too keen and always available. Make her chase you and keep the contact even - don't contact her more than she contacts you. That sort of thing.

 

I will repeat though, it can hurt so much to fall for someone in this situation, especially when you work together so have to see each other every day. Put it another way - if she were to turn to you and tell you she's fallen in love with a new guy and they're dating, how would you feel? Could you honestly still see her knowing any chance of anything more has long gone? You really need to be honest with yourself on this. Trust me, from someone who's been here, no matter how good it seems now, it isn't worth the long term pain!

[MrJay22]

Thank you guys so much who help me. Im glad I posted my issues here.

[MrJay22]

Guys, I need help again.

 

Few days ago we meet and hang out again. But it seems that everything just suddenly changed. She told me about everything about herself, messy past relationship and about her ex. And I finally mention about me and her.

 

Ill make it short but brief. Firstly, she's having a hard time right now because the ex wanted her back and even applying to our town to study and tries to get her back but she strictly refuses to be involve with this guy anymore after 3 years of relationship. I don't want to be involve with this mess but now I know whats her thoughts and feelings about not commiting another relationship. I know for the fact that for her, relationship is serious and committment. She doesnt want to take advantage and etc. So I think shes the girl I am looking for!

 

Secondly, few days ago we went out which I thought was a friendly hang out but it wasnt she mention this to me that for her this is a real date. then the conversation turned very deep. She said "she's attracted to me and could see happenings if say we were ready" and saying I'm handsome, more mature, responsible. She also appreciate me having me around her. Ofcourse I was very happy to hear this, my heart started pumping fast and hard! In the beginning she thought I was a player just like my friends because I'm only 22 and looking for fun. ohh btw shes 26.

However, looking at my early post "I was only a friend" and I dont want to be badly hurt in the end. To be honest I would rather try and be heartbroken than leaving this very rare fish on the lose and meet more jerks.

When we got home we chatted in facebook and continue what we have been left. Then somehow the conversation turned out for her saying "She is sexually frustrated" not the exact word she says but something like she's lacking sex. Then she said "if I ever thought of having sex on that day" and I said "It crossed my mind a little". THen she said "It crossed my mind probably much than you" Then I offer to satisfy her needs (ofcourse I was just testing whats her reaction) And she actually serious and started talking about my very toned body. I think she is sexually attracted to me as well?

 

 

I love this girl inside and out. Also physically attracted to her. Icould see having a future with her.

 

THe question is Do you think I should make love with her? which could make us become much closer and might even turn into relationship?

Or maybe she was just sexually frustrated but theres no other guys out there closer to her than me? But I dont think this is the case since she is very attractive and beautiful girl and everymen would die just even sleep with her. And I know for the fact because she felt guilty not telling me that there was few guy who wanted to met her but she turned them down and went out with me instead!

[smudge21]

Try and think of it this way - you have sex, but then she goes back to her ex or just wants to stay friends. Or, you don't have sex which keeps the interest and desire going, which keeps that flame lit, which in turn builds up into something more. I'm not saying it will definitely go this way, but I've seen it happen before. Once the sex has happened, it can take away a lot of that passion. So if the relationship is not that strong, or is simply based on sex, then it can lead to things ending quickly.

 

It's hard to say what would be the best course of action here, as no matter what you do, there'll be good and bad points. I think this girl is clearly still a bit hung up on her ex, so that is a bit of a red flag, but she is also showing some very serious interest in you. How strong that is, well, there's really only one way to find out.

 

You've got to decide what you want - if you want to try for something more meaningful then just a short term thing or a friends with benefits gig, then taking it slow may be the answer; telling her you do want to be with her in that way, but don't want to rush it due to her feelings for her ex. You don't want to be hurt and you think there's a good chance you two could have something good together.

 

But of course, once again, by taking it slow, that could make her more interested or put her off and you may lose your chance to sleep with her at all. I've done that before. In fact I've done both. I've wanted something more serious and it hasn't worked out, leading to me losing out on sleeping with a very beautiful girl. Other side of the coin, I've rushed in and something that could've been good ended up being just a short term FWB situation.

 

Only you can make this choice. Good luck.