elleorbianca Posted July 6, 2011 Posted July 6, 2011 So I went on vacation with friends and I let some backpacker in a club kiss me. Yes, he was a nice guy. Yes, I was attracted to him. But I am engaged. I've been with my fiance for almost 5 years. The worse part is that I liked it so much and for a couple of days, couldn't stop thinking about it. It wasn't a "deep kiss", just the lips (not that it makes it any better) but it gave me a bigger rush than that I was comfortable with. And I let him do it more than once. I've told my fiance about this after I came back to the states. He, of course, was upset. But we agreed to move on. My problem now is that I don't want to be this type of girl who is a cheat. But honestly, I feel like the rush is something I'd like to experience again- maybe 5 more years down the line when things get vanilla again. I don't want to ever sleep with anyone other than my fiance. He completely sexually and emotionally satisfies me. But the rush of flirting and newness of kissing someone new is something I crave. What should I do? Should I break it off with my fiance because I'm not sure that I can be 100% faithful? Should I see if my fiance is ok with a pseudo open relationship where we are allowed to flirt/ kiss other people when we both decide it's ok? I know to some people this may seem like a ridiculous request. But I hope that you can give me some genuine, non-judgemental advice. Is this some weird kind of cold-feet? Did anyone else go through this feeling (that they aren't sure if they can be forever monogamous) before getting married? I've NEVER cheated in any relationship before this (so I'm not a serial cheater) and this has been my most fulfilling relationship so I am just so confused. Help
rafallus Posted July 6, 2011 Posted July 6, 2011 What should I do? Should I break it off with my fiance because I'm not sure that I can be 100% faithful? Should I see if my fiance is ok with a pseudo open relationship where we are allowed to flirt/ kiss other people when we both decide it's ok?Either of these. Open relationship will probably drift apart at some point, so it's one and the same. and this has been my most fulfilling relationship so I am just so confused. Help Then actually one has to feel sorry for you.
P&R Posted July 6, 2011 Posted July 6, 2011 So I went on vacation with friends and I let some backpacker in a club kiss me. Yes, he was a nice guy. Yes, I was attracted to him. But I am engaged. I've been with my fiance for almost 5 years. The worse part is that I liked it so much and for a couple of days, couldn't stop thinking about it. It wasn't a "deep kiss", just the lips (not that it makes it any better) but it gave me a bigger rush than that I was comfortable with. And I let him do it more than once. I've told my fiance about this after I came back to the states. He, of course, was upset. But we agreed to move on. My problem now is that I don't want to be this type of girl who is a cheat. But honestly, I feel like the rush is something I'd like to experience again- maybe 5 more years down the line when things get vanilla again. I don't want to ever sleep with anyone other than my fiance. He completely sexually and emotionally satisfies me. But the rush of flirting and newness of kissing someone new is something I crave. What should I do? Should I break it off with my fiance because I'm not sure that I can be 100% faithful? Should I see if my fiance is ok with a pseudo open relationship where we are allowed to flirt/ kiss other people when we both decide it's ok? I know to some people this may seem like a ridiculous request. But I hope that you can give me some genuine, non-judgemental advice. Is this some weird kind of cold-feet? Did anyone else go through this feeling (that they aren't sure if they can be forever monogamous) before getting married? I've NEVER cheated in any relationship before this (so I'm not a serial cheater) and this has been my most fulfilling relationship so I am just so confused. Help Here's the deal. Cheap thrills are easy to find, and don't kid yourself.... this rush that you're getting--- is just that. But finding a healthy and fulfilling relationship? That is not easy to come by. If you want proof just read the dating forums. It's full of people who cannot find a suitable partners even if they do have options avalible to them. As far as a pseudo open relationship goes that is laughable. Even if he agreed I can garentee you that it would not be pretty. He would turn into an insecure wreck and he would only agree to such an arrangement to keep you around. By the way what does a pseudo open relationship even mean? I highly doubt you're just going to STOP at kissing and fliring.
Bryanp Posted July 6, 2011 Posted July 6, 2011 How would you feel if the roles were reversed and your man wanted to experience deem emotional rush type kissing with other women?
Author elleorbianca Posted July 6, 2011 Author Posted July 6, 2011 How would you feel if the roles were reversed and your man wanted to experience deem emotional rush type kissing with other women? I think it would turn me on. Our relationship has been so uneventful that it may be a nice shift in things:confused: Anyway, thanks for all your advice everyone. I understand that cheap thrills are easy and a great relationship is hard to find. I'm looking into books that help with sexuality in long term relationships (thinking of Mating in Captivity: Unlocking Erotic Intelligence) and I may get some counseling on my own. Clearly something is wrong with my mind because it's so hard to imagine myself in such a straightlaced relationship for a lifetime. Adventure shouldn't be more important than committed love, but I have a feeling that if I don't fix what's going on in my head, I will prioritize the thrill over my relationship again. Time to look into some counselors. I need to do this before I move forward with my engagement.
Author elleorbianca Posted July 6, 2011 Author Posted July 6, 2011 H As far as a pseudo open relationship goes that is laughable. Even if he agreed I can garentee you that it would not be pretty. He would turn into an insecure wreck and he would only agree to such an arrangement to keep you around. By the way what does a pseudo open relationship even mean? I highly doubt you're just going to STOP at kissing and fliring. You are right. It wouldn't work because he's not on board with it. But yes, I don't think I would ever go further than kissing and flirting. That's the part that excites me- the chase. I don't even want someone else's tongue in my mouth. But I guess people can get carried away so I shouldn't be overconfident.
reservoirdog1 Posted July 6, 2011 Posted July 6, 2011 What should I do? Should I break it off with my fiance because I'm not sure that I can be 100% faithful? This is where my BS-O-Meter goes off a little bit. It is completely within your power to be 100% faithful, and to not betray your fiance's trust again. Every time you're faced with temptation (and you haven't done anything wrong by simply experiencing temptation), you have a choice: give in to the temptation, or resist it? That's the important word to emphasize here: choice. You're not a robot, or under some kind of mind control. You make CHOICES about what your conduct will be. When you kissed the backpacker, it's because you CHOSE to do so. There is certainly an explanation for what you did, but there isn't an excuse. You screwed up. But it sounds like your fiance is willing to forgive you. So, moving forward: are you going to choose to be faithful to him from now on? Or are you going to choose to "maybe" be unfaithful the next time some other guy gives you warm tinglies in your pants?
Author elleorbianca Posted July 6, 2011 Author Posted July 6, 2011 This is where my BS-O-Meter goes off a little bit. It is completely within your power to be 100% faithful, and to not betray your fiance's trust again. Every time you're faced with temptation (and you haven't done anything wrong by simply experiencing temptation), you have a choice: give in to the temptation, or resist it? That's the important word to emphasize here: choice. You're not a robot, or under some kind of mind control. You make CHOICES about what your conduct will be. When you kissed the backpacker, it's because you CHOSE to do so. There is certainly an explanation for what you did, but there isn't an excuse. You screwed up. But it sounds like your fiance is willing to forgive you. So, moving forward: are you going to choose to be faithful to him from now on? Or are you going to choose to "maybe" be unfaithful the next time some other guy gives you warm tinglies in your pants? Thanks for the response. The bold statements make me feel really in control of the situation. To be technical, when the backpacker kissed me, I had no choice because he sneaked those pecks. But I did have a choice how to react. And in the future, I have a choice not to put myself in those situations. I choose my fiance over everything. So to answer your question, I will choose to be faithful in the future. But there is nothing wrong with exploring these feelings before making the biggest commitment in my life. I still think I'll go see a psychologist because that kiss affected me more than it should have. Stolen kisses should have me feeling livid not tantalized.
rafallus Posted July 6, 2011 Posted July 6, 2011 So to answer your question, I will choose to be faithful in the future. But there is nothing wrong with exploring these feelings before making the biggest commitment in my life. I still think I'll go see a psychologist because that kiss affected me more than it should have. Stolen kisses should have me feeling livid not tantalized. Unless you do some serious figuring out, I could bet you will cheat again. Especially if you refer to your relationship as "uneventful".
Magictoasty Posted July 8, 2011 Posted July 8, 2011 You came to a forum full of people who've been lied to, cheated on and betrayed to ask a question like this?. The only answer you were ever gonna get (aside from being called a whore, the females here are especially venomous) was that you should leave the relationship etc. This feeling is something you have, and you'll find excitement from this idea regardless of who you are with. Stay with your fiance and like you say, once every couple of years find the opportunity to go someplace you or he won't know anybody, flirt with a guy and kiss him. It's totally harmless and finding a fiancé who matches you as well as your current who is also happy with you doing this would take you the rest of your life.
rafallus Posted July 8, 2011 Posted July 8, 2011 It's totally harmless The fact that this topic even exists, contradicts your thesis.
Magictoasty Posted July 8, 2011 Posted July 8, 2011 The fact that this topic even exists, contradicts your thesis. It's totally harmless if she does it discreetly and unless she's an idiot or wants to get caught that is incredibly easy to do.
Ginger Beer Posted July 8, 2011 Posted July 8, 2011 When I read threads like this I just shake my head in disbelief. I see loads of threads on here from women saying stuff like this. It's unbelievable. I don't want to think all women are the same at all but it's probably best I avoid the cheating section on here as 80% of the threads are from female cheaters.
rafallus Posted July 8, 2011 Posted July 8, 2011 It's totally harmless if she does it discreetly and unless she's an idiot or wants to get caught that is incredibly easy to do. Have you per chance read the thread? What should I do? Should I break it off with my fiance because I'm not sure that I can be 100% faithful? Should I see if my fiance is ok with a pseudo open relationship where we are allowed to flirt/ kiss other people when we both decide it's ok?If it lead her to considering breaking things off with fiancee, then your point is hella hard to defend. It would be like "Bullying a kid was harmless, because he didn't commit suicide, even though he considered it". But hey, at least here you aren't advising to beat someone up, like in other thread. Anyway, as I said, OP has a whole lot of figuring out to do.
Magictoasty Posted July 8, 2011 Posted July 8, 2011 Hey bro, I'm just offering my unjudgemental opinion. I think you need to calm down and not take this so personally, hunting down my other posts and constructing insulting replies isn't going to help the OP wiht her problem. She wants excitement, she'll want it no matter who she's with, it's very unlikely he'll agree to what she proposes, call me the devil on her shoulder but I think when you weigh the pros and cons this is the best option if she truly believes she can't keep her lips to herself and her fiancé for eternity. The bullying thing doesn't make any sense by the way, it would imply that the bullied kid doesn't know he's being bullied, think up a more misleading yet accurate comparison next time.
Memphis Raines Posted July 8, 2011 Posted July 8, 2011 (edited) I choose my fiance over everything. So to answer your question, I will choose to be faithful in the future. But there is nothing wrong with exploring these feelings before making the biggest commitment in my life. there is when you call him your boyfriend, much less fiance. You have already made a commitment. quit trying to justify it just because you aren't married yet. if you want to explore your feelings, then break it off first. have you told your fiance that you want to explore feelings and that there is nothing wrong with you going out and doing so simply because you aren't married yet? Tell you what. Tell him that and see if the wedding will still be on. Edited July 8, 2011 by Memphis Raines
Memphis Raines Posted July 8, 2011 Posted July 8, 2011 It's totally harmless if she does it discreetly and unless she's an idiot or wants to get caught that is incredibly easy to do. not totally harmless at all. she would be denying her fiance the right to make sure he know exactly the type of person he is about to marry. and if he finds out about it later AFTER they are married, well then she successfully trapped him didn't she? hell, he'd be trapped whether he found out or not. sorry, thats not harmless. f#####g someone else over is never harmless. I take it you are a cheater yourself, hence the defense of this type of behavior.
jnj express Posted July 8, 2011 Posted July 8, 2011 You are bored, your relationship is already same old, same old----it is like a tired old mge., which is when cheating occurs Instead of concentrating on the chemical rush---sit your fiancee down, and talk about what is happening----you know communicate face to face---no texts, or e-mails, but good old talk Do what is necessary to spice up your life together, get your rush from your fiance If you can't figure this out now, and deal with it---I strongly suggest you don't get married, cuz you will cheat further down the line, when things again get old, tired, and boring As to the backpacker---you said he sneaked up on you---but then he did it again-----what a proper fiance who loved her SO, should have done, is slap his face hard, and say to him , get the he*l away from me, and stay away from me
rafallus Posted July 9, 2011 Posted July 9, 2011 (edited) Hey bro, I'm just offering my unjudgemental opinion.That bit is actually hilarious, because in aforementioned thread, besides beating up the guy, you also advised to call her a shallow airhead whore who has it in her genes to be subjugated and treated like **** by males and thats not the kind of genepool you want to mix with.How's that for non-judgemental? Worst thing is that thread wasn't exactly hidden somewhere underground - it was next one below. At first I stopped from replying, because I wasn't too sure, whether you're a troll or serious, but now I know it's the latter. And do please tell me, where I threw any insult at you? She wants excitement, she'll want it no matter who she's with, it's very unlikely he'll agree to what she proposes, call me the devil on her shoulder but I think when you weigh the pros and cons this is the best option if she truly believes she can't keep her lips to herself and her fiancé for eternity.Again, given that she already had doubts, it's not gonna work like that. Given that things like kissing involve some crazy biochemistry changes (as shown by OPs emotions afterwards), then it simply cannot be neutral to attraction/affection towards her fiance. The bullying thing doesn't make any sense by the way, it would imply that the bullied kid doesn't know he's being bullied, think up a more misleading yet accurate comparison next time. But she knows she kissed him, right? Looks like you misunderstood. Edited July 9, 2011 by rafallus
Author elleorbianca Posted July 9, 2011 Author Posted July 9, 2011 have you told your fiance that you want to explore feelings and that there is nothing wrong with you going out and doing so simply because you aren't married yet? Tell you what. Tell him that and see if the wedding will still be on. At the time of this post, I had already told him about the kiss. Just this morning, we discussed my feelings more and guess what? The wedding is still on. Why wish the worst on people or assume everyone's partner thinks the same as you do? We've decided that we both have a once a season hallpass to flirt as devilishly as we want, but no kissing. People make a lot of assumptions. Before this even happened, he already told me he was a huge flirt and we already decided as a couple that we would be ok with harmless flirting. After this conversations, we just defined what exactly we were ok with. The normal "flirting is ok" rule still applies. That applies to chatting up people of the opposite sex who we know have an attraction to us, but keeping it mild and non-physical. But now, 4x a year we are allowed some serious, heavy flirting- close body contact etc but no kissing. And interestingly, after I came back from vacation telling him about what happened, our sex life went through the roof. I've been telling him I need more spice but I guess after my bad judgment he takes my need for excitement more seriously. not totally harmless at all. she would be denying her fiance the right to make sure he know exactly the type of person he is about to marry. and if he finds out about it later AFTER they are married, well then she successfully trapped him didn't she? hell, he'd be trapped whether he found out or not. sorry, thats not harmless. f#####g someone else over is never harmless. I take it you are a cheater yourself, hence the defense of this type of behavior. Uhhh, did you miss the part where I had already told him about the kiss and he was ok moving on?
Spectre Posted July 10, 2011 Posted July 10, 2011 One can only hope to eventually have a relationship as awesome as this one. The girl doesn't wanna bang anyone, she just wants to kiss a guy every couple of years. She still totally loves her boyfriend/fiance and nothing can go wrong with this marriage.
Author elleorbianca Posted July 10, 2011 Author Posted July 10, 2011 One can only hope to eventually have a relationship as awesome as this one. The girl doesn't wanna bang anyone, she just wants to kiss a guy every couple of years. She still totally loves her boyfriend/fiance and nothing can go wrong with this marriage. Yes and nothing can go wrong when both partners lie and delude themselves. I love what I have and my fiancé does too.
Joe Normal Posted July 10, 2011 Posted July 10, 2011 This is where my BS-O-Meter goes off a little bit. It is completely within your power to be 100% faithful, and to not betray your fiance's trust again. Every time you're faced with temptation (and you haven't done anything wrong by simply experiencing temptation), you have a choice: give in to the temptation, or resist it? That's the important word to emphasize here: choice. You're not a robot, or under some kind of mind control. You make CHOICES about what your conduct will be. When you kissed the backpacker, it's because you CHOSE to do so. Wrong, some people are slaves to their impulses, especially when drunk/high/horny. They have no more choice than someone with a terrible temper can choose to stay calm in the face of extreme provocation. Best thing OP can do is break up with this guy. You aren't in love with him, if you were then the very idea of kissing someone else would be abhorrent. 5 years without marriage, travelling alone, and kissing strangers and getting a kick from it for days shows you have a tame, boring, monotonous relationship lacking in passion. Dump him for the sake of both of you, so you can go out and each find someone who gives that thrill in the heart as well as ticking the 'responsible relationship' buttons. Passionless relationships never work.
Memphis Raines Posted July 11, 2011 Posted July 11, 2011 At the time of this post, I had already told him about the kiss. Just this morning, we discussed my feelings more and guess what? The wedding is still on. so you told him you want to go out and explore sex with other men? Why wish the worst on people or assume everyone's partner thinks the same as you do? because if he doesn't think as I do, that means he, for whatever reason, doesn't care if you go out and have sex with other men. thats on him if its true We've decided that we both have a once a season hallpass to flirt as devilishly as we want, but no kissing. so you didn't tell him you wanted to explore feelings and test the waters with other guys? Uhhh, did you miss the part where I had already told him about the kiss and he was ok moving on? nope, but since you want to explore other men, that isn't exactly moving on.
Author elleorbianca Posted July 11, 2011 Author Posted July 11, 2011 so you told him you want to go out and explore sex with other men? because if he doesn't think as I do, that means he, for whatever reason, doesn't care if you go out and have sex with other men. thats on him if its true so you didn't tell him you wanted to explore feelings and test the waters with other guys? nope, but since you want to explore other men, that isn't exactly moving on. Where did you get that I wanted to explore sex or relationships with other men. You are a joke saying things for a reaction.
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