theseeker Posted July 6, 2011 Posted July 6, 2011 (edited) I just recently turned 24, and my first and only relationship (which lasted a month & a week) ended about a year ago. I've avoided male advances my whole life, and I believe this is due to my fear of sexual intercourse, or coitophobia. I have only recently started to research this phobia, for the longest time I ignored my anxiety - thinking that as I grew older the feelings of panic would fade away, but they haven't. I honestly believe that my first relationship (if it can even be called a relationship) went sour for this very reason. He was a bit older (I was 23 at the time, and he was 30) and much more experienced in the bedroom. I had had no exposure to any sort of romance what-so-ever up until that point. I hadn't even held hands with a guy. When we began seeing each other I was calm and confident, I figured I was old enough to handle it and I wanted to experience all the things romance had to offer. I felt as if I had missed out on what makes life worth living. Hell, I was the one who initiated the romance between the two of us! But, things got a little too hot and heavy a little too quickly for me, and I began to feel like my emotions were slipping out of my control. When we would get intimate I felt fine, with one exception: Even when I would try to simply 'enjoy the moment', I wasn't able to ignore the thoughts racing through my head, warning me to only go 'so far'. Don't get me wrong, I really liked this guy, sometimes I think I may have loved him. But this may be only because he was my first romantic encounter. He had been a professor of mine, and I not only respected and admired him, but had had a fierce crush on him from the moment I first saw him. I enjoyed our intimate episodes, but felt as if the relationship was a metaphorical ticking time bomb, counting down to the moment when we would go all the way. When the two of us were together, I wouldn't feel anxious at all. He was a complete gentleman, and never pressured me to do anything I didn't want to. But that didn't stop my panic from escalating once I was alone with my thoughts, recounting the intimate episodes between us. Again, these feelings only began once we became very intimate. After a while I began to notice that whenever we hung out together, it would always end with oral sex back at his place. I spent the night often, and liked giving him oral sex, but whenever he would attempt to return the favor I would stop him with some lame excuse. When I asked him if we could slow things down, he got all huffy and wouldn't even kiss me. So, I took my request back. Only now am I able to look back and see how immature that was on his part. At the time I was seriously blinded by my feelings for him, I had wanted to get to know him on a personal level for quite a long time and so pushed my anxious feelings aside. As the one month mark started to get closer and closer, my anxiety got greater and greater. He got a little bit more sexually aggressive every time we became intimate, and I found myself sobbing to myself after he had fallen asleep. I thought "Why am I crying? Whats wrong with me? Why am I doing this to myself?! This is stupid." Even though we had only been seeing each other for a month, I guess it wasn't enough for him. The last week we were together he stopped contacting me, and when I would contact him he would be very sharp and condescending towards me and only kept our phone calls going for about five minutes. I kept making excuses for him, telling myself that he was just tired from work. I knew I was lying to myself, and it crushed me. We hadn't seen each other for a week and I couldn't keep myself from thinking that maybe he had found another female interest, someone who fulfilled his needs easier and quicker than I did. It became unbearable, I freaked out and broke up with him. The first week I only felt relieved to be free of the pressure, the ticking time bomb was gone. But as loneliness and guilt set in, the breakup got complicated, and I ended up the crazy fool: telling him that I hadn't realized how emotionally invested I had become and that I was sorry and asked if we could get back together and blah blah blah. He said he couldn't be in a relationship after what happened, but that he wanted to stay friends. I told him we could try being friends, but that I needed a little time to sort things out emotionally first. I also told him that he was my first boyfriend, something that I had kept him until after we had split (mistake). The whole episode had me destroyed for about a year. I don't know why I took the breakup so hard, or why my heartbreak dragged on for so long. My guess is that unconsciously I felt I had sacrificed a lot, I had faced something that made me very afraid - and even though I hadn't necessarily gone through with it completely (we never had sex, only came very close), I had pushed myself to my limits for him. But that ended up not being enough. For six months following the breakup, I found that I had lost my ability to trust people in general. I felt as if I no longer had the ability to judge situations, and didn't talked to anyone for about three months after the breakup, I isolated myself and covered up my emotions with school work. Another thing that was extremely hurtful was that, although he had stated that he wanted to be friends, he stopped responding to my emails about a week after we split up. I was so naive that I thought something horrible might have happened to him, that he might be hurt or dead. But on the first day of class the following semester I saw him from a distance and had to come to grips with reality. He didn't want to be friends: either he realized that friendship would only hurt me, or he didn't want to deal with consequences of being someone's first boyfriend. I was devastated to say the least. I hadn't intended for this post to get so lengthy, so I'll cut to the chase. It has now been a year, and I can honestly say that I am ready to move on. I learned a lot about myself from what happened, I've grown mentally and emotionally and have invested a lot of time meditating and looking inward for peace. I have forgiven him and myself, and realize that I shouldn't feel like the victim of an opportunist, but instead be proud of myself for facing something that I had avoided and feared for so long. However, I still feel like I haven't really experienced a relationship. It was only lustful episode in the big picture. I want to find someone new, but I have no idea how to get to know someone well enough to become that comfortable. Like I said, I had been friends with the first guy, on the student-professor level, for a year before we even went out on our first date, and even then I didn't feel comfortable. He may have just been the wrong guy, but if you were to have asked me at the time, I would have said that he definitely was the right guy. Like I said, I was blind. I don't have any guy friends, so I feel at a loss as to how I am to go about it. The reason why I don't have any guy friends is because all those whom I have thought of strictly on platonic terms have made advances towards me. It leads me to believe the old saying that a man and woman CAN'T be 'just friends'. If I had a male friend who I was attracted to, I wouldn't be satisfied with being 'just friends' either, but I would want to be friends and get to know them at least for a good while before the kissing & hand holding occurred (which, in my mind, would start the ticking time bomb). I feel like I should be much more emotionally mature, given that I am 24. But I understand that everyone has their own pace, and that this must all be happening for a reason. I just want to get a little bit more experience under my belt (har-har-har!) so that a relationship can flourish once the right guy DOES in fact come along. I want to experience what its like to feel safe enough to let loose. I want to face this fear of sex and experience what its like to know and love someone on that level. The thought of the emotional heartbreak and loss of losing my virginity to a stranger or acquaintance completely terrifies me and keeps me from simply making a leap and having sex just to get my first time over with. I simply can't do it, I believe it would be the death of my soul. I have to be in love with the person, and have them be in love with me. But I feel that men aren't able to fall in love without sex and it is hard for me to shake this "either black and white, no gray" mentality when it comes to sexual intercourse. Any suggestions? Edited July 6, 2011 by theseeker
Eddie Edirol Posted July 6, 2011 Posted July 6, 2011 You'll be able to find a guy that possibly will fall in love with you for your comfort level, but it will be awhile. You will have to take an active agressive approach and date alot of guys before finding one whos words match his actions. Thats the most important part. You have alot of work to do if you want to find a guy that will fall for you first AND wait for your virginity. They are out there. But make sure his words match his actions. Dont let him tell you hes in love with you, and the next day youre wondering why he isnt answering your calls. Its called red flags. Those things that nudge your intuition and tell you that something is weird. Dont ignore them. You did the right thing with your professor, but the problem was you didnt explain to him WHY you wanted to slow down. You cant let a guy think youre playing games with him. he wont know why youre slowing him down until you tell him.
Author theseeker Posted July 6, 2011 Author Posted July 6, 2011 (edited) You'll be able to find a guy that possibly will fall in love with you for your comfort level, but it will be awhile. You will have to take an active agressive approach and date alot of guys before finding one whos words match his actions. Thats the most important part. You have alot of work to do if you want to find a guy that will fall for you first AND wait for your virginity. They are out there. But make sure his words match his actions. Dont let him tell you hes in love with you, and the next day youre wondering why he isnt answering your calls. Its called red flags. Those things that nudge your intuition and tell you that something is weird. Dont ignore them. You did the right thing with your professor, but the problem was you didnt explain to him WHY you wanted to slow down. You cant let a guy think youre playing games with him. he wont know why youre slowing him down until you tell him. You're absolutely right, I should have explained to him why I wanted to slow things down. That it wasn't because I wasn't serious about our relationship, but because he was my first boyfriend. But I thought it would scare him away. Being a 23 year old female and never having held hands with the opposite sex is quite rare. I have also always been too ashamed to tell others that I am still a virgin, even my close girl friends. I don't know why, fear of judgement maybe? And you are also spot on about red flags. I try not to think back and analyze all the red flags that I ignored during that one month. I would rather remember the good times we had together. But they were most certainly there. I chose to ignore them, to an extent, at least. As far as dating is concerned: no, I haven't had much experience, but I found dating to be the easiest and most fun part of the whole episode! It was the emotional investment and the pressure and expectation that actual sexual intercourse was on the horizon that tripped me up. I couldn't just let it happen naturally. But going out, flirting, talking, drinking, etc. was awesome! Making out? Couldn't get enough of it. Cuddling? Bring it on! But the kissing and cuddling part, naturally, always seemed to lead to further intimacy - which I enjoyed 100%, minus the little voice in the back of my head warning me that something didn't feel right (there's your red flag). So dating I am totally fine with! But how long would a guy go and be satisfied with spending his money on me without 'getting any' in return? A year? I doubt it. I don't think anyone would be ok simply with a strictly 'dating exclusively until further notice' status. That just seems like I would be leading them on, but maybe that is the name of the game: to drag it out as long as possible until their true colors show? And don't a lot of guys label girls who do that sort of thing as prudes? Don't they resent the hell out of them and get angry and hostile? This is just the impression that I have gotten from my girl friends' stories. Edited July 6, 2011 by theseeker
Eddie Edirol Posted July 6, 2011 Posted July 6, 2011 (edited) Guys only resent girls when they only want sex, or when women wont explain why they dont have sex. Guys are always paranoid that women are using them for company, but wont say so for fear the guy will walk away from her. If you explain it from the beginning, the guy who likes you will have alot more patience. The real challenge is being able to tell which guy is going to actually fall for you when he says he will. you might want to go for guys that seem less experienced, they will be more genuine in the beginning. More experienced guys might date you and have a booty call at the same time for the sex. But you can always tell when that happens, they fall off the radar for a day or so then pop back up. When you know for sure that a guy is truly into you, things will happen alot more naturally and he will be gentle in helping it along. But you really have to be clear about your boundaries and how your comfort level gets set back if youre pushed. If you dont want a guy to get mad about spending money on you, dont let him spend money on you. keep the dates cheap, keeps you guilt free. If he insists, let him understand that bigger dates wont change anything. Its all about explaining your situation, you cant worry about fear of judgement. because as you found out the hard way, holding back that kind of information just stockpiles the misunderstandings and creates more obstacles that you cant always go back and cleanup. You also shouldnt be in the mindset of "dragging it out". if youre in the position where you feel like youre not getting the true individual, you have to bail out. No waiting for the real guy. You should know you have the real guy within two months, if youre seeing each other at least more than twice a week. And the real guy wont make you feel pressure. Anyone makes you feel pressure, you toss them. Edited July 6, 2011 by Eddie Edirol
JHS Posted July 6, 2011 Posted July 6, 2011 You have your boundaries (created to some extent by fear). If that's where your head is at, that's the magic that's you. Embrace who you are.
Author theseeker Posted July 7, 2011 Author Posted July 7, 2011 You're absolutely correct, I shouldn't be ashamed to explain the situation next time. If they run away then it wasn't meant to be. But that doesn't help me with my main question: how do I go about finding someone new? How the hell do you find someone to go out on a date with? I thought I would have found someone new to date by now. But after coming back home to live with my parents for a while after graduating, the only guys who have asked me out have been ones who approach me at bars. Now, there is absolutely nothing wrong with meeting someone at a bar. But, I don't know, it just isn't for me. I have a job (all my co-workers are either women, gay men or married men) I have an internship (again, all women) I volunteer (mostly women or kids who are too young) Siiigghh. I feel like my chances of being in a healthy relationship are much much lower due to my anxiety. But I am still hopeful.
Eddie Edirol Posted July 7, 2011 Posted July 7, 2011 More social gatherings. Go out with friends, make more friends, do anything you can. Bars and clubs suck, but if youre in the right frame of mind, you can find a diamond in the rough. But like I said, you have to kiss a few frogs to find the prince. Now that I think of it, I hate that analogy.
JHS Posted July 7, 2011 Posted July 7, 2011 You're absolutely correct, I shouldn't be ashamed to explain the situation next time. If they run away then it wasn't meant to be. But that doesn't help me with my main question: how do I go about finding someone new? How the hell do you find someone to go out on a date with? I thought I would have found someone new to date by now. But after coming back home to live with my parents for a while after graduating, the only guys who have asked me out have been ones who approach me at bars. Now, there is absolutely nothing wrong with meeting someone at a bar. But, I don't know, it just isn't for me. I have a job (all my co-workers are either women, gay men or married men) I have an internship (again, all women) I volunteer (mostly women or kids who are too young) Siiigghh. I feel like my chances of being in a healthy relationship are much much lower due to my anxiety. But I am still hopeful. Those are tough questions and you sound a little like me. It ain't easy, that is for sure. And then you see the person who interests you and they don't give you the time of day, right? It amazes me how some people can get married, 3, 4 times and I can't even find/meet someone I want to go out with on a regular basis. Sheesh.
SincereOnlineGuy Posted July 8, 2011 Posted July 8, 2011 There isn't a whole lot in the OP's story that differs from any random, "normal" 15yo girl simply not being "ready" for sex, and knowing so. (side note: I know THIS woman isn't 15) It really, really, really IS perfectly fine if at 24 you are still "not ready" for sex. The term "coitophobia" in the subject heading of this thread, sort of needs some documentation in order so that we can discern it from the normal adolescent feelings of a 15yo girl who simply "isn't ready". IF you share here that you have something far more unique and advanced than simply not feeling ready for (that kind of) intimacy with a man, then that's fine! IF after further contemplation you equate yourself more with a 15yo girl who just isn't ready, but who has had guys make advances which caused her to be uncomfortable... then let us tell you that THE RIGHT GUY will eventually discover you... and HIS gentle approach, and obvious-well-before-THAT appeal will magically have you in a different mood when it counts. (you may not picture it now, but you'll know it later...) IF you have a clinical diagnosis of something far more limiting, and projected well into the future, then it would be best if you spelled that out.
Author theseeker Posted July 8, 2011 Author Posted July 8, 2011 There isn't a whole lot in the OP's story that differs from any random, "normal" 15yo girl simply not being "ready" for sex, and knowing so. (side note: I know THIS woman isn't 15) It really, really, really IS perfectly fine if at 24 you are still "not ready" for sex. The term "coitophobia" in the subject heading of this thread, sort of needs some documentation in order so that we can discern it from the normal adolescent feelings of a 15yo girl who simply "isn't ready". IF you share here that you have something far more unique and advanced than simply not feeling ready for (that kind of) intimacy with a man, then that's fine! IF after further contemplation you equate yourself more with a 15yo girl who just isn't ready, but who has had guys make advances which caused her to be uncomfortable... then let us tell you that THE RIGHT GUY will eventually discover you... and HIS gentle approach, and obvious-well-before-THAT appeal will magically have you in a different mood when it counts. (you may not picture it now, but you'll know it later...) IF you have a clinical diagnosis of something far more limiting, and projected well into the future, then it would be best if you spelled that out. I've done a bit more reading since I've started this thread and I've found that coitophobia is far too severe of a term to describe my situation. If you look up what is called "involuntary celibacy" it is MUCH more in line with what I'm dealing with. Involuntary celibacy is pretty much where, for whatever reason, a person has missed/skipped certain key time periods of growth (child to preteen to teen to young adult to adult etc.) where the average person experiences romantic rights of passage. i.e.: first kiss, first makeout, "first base", first time, etc.) and because they don't experience these things when their average peers do, they feel as if they are abnormal and thus tend to avoid those specific romantic situations. As they age and miss more "key time periods" their avoidance becomes greater and greater due to their lack of experience and fear of facing the unknown. Involuntary celibates, therefore, DO have relationships (and it isn't uncommon for many to have had experiences with sexual intimacy of all ranges). The only difference is that their "dry spells" are extremely long, years and decades long (rather than weeks or months) Involuntary celibacy doesn't have an across the board formulaic cure. They are normal socially, it is just that they skipped a few important steps in their process of developing their interpersonal romantic relationship skills. That is a basic definition. I like that it isn't a phobia (coitophics have anxiety about ANYTHING sexual - movies, music, conversations, etc. - and that doesn't sound like me at all which is why I kept researching). So, as far as interpersonal intimate relationships are concerned, I AM 15 years old. I am at the stage where an average 15 year old would be, romantically speaking. You know, I have never made any attempt to find out if my fears had a psychological term. Now that I have found it, I feel almost relieved. I think it is my first step towards learning much more about myself and how to better deal with this very frustrating trait of mine. This also explains why my first relationship effected me so much. I went through quite a few 'rights of passages' in a very short time period, whereas the 'average person' went through each gradually as they got older. It makes sense. I, unexpectedly, got hit by an emotional brick wall. And you know, its funny that you say 15yo, because when my professor and I were together I pulled an all-nighter one night, painting and decorating a box for him. It was much cooler looking than it sounds. Inside the box I put all of his favorite foods (bags of peanuts, fanta, etc.) and then surprised him by leaving it on top of his desk at work. Doesn't that sound like something a 15 year old girl would do? And, to comment on an earlier point, when we were together, I did pay for half of the dates we went on (more or less). And it was in an attempt to relieve some of the pressures of expectation. It didn't work, though. It is very reassuring that you think I am going to be 'just fine'. This thread has made me feel much much better. Sometimes I put myself down about this inexperience of mine that I end up believing that I am disconnected from reality, that I'm not on the same page as everyone else my age. I just have to take things slow, and try to be smart in the process. It is all very scary to me. I have been taught my whole life that men say and do whatever they can to get one thing and one thing only. Although I know this not to be true in every case, I still can't shake the thought that it is, indeed, what happens the majority of the time (overwhelmingly). That is especially true for my age group (20 somethings), which may be why I went after a guy in his early 30s, but who knows. Trust is what is needed, really. And trust takes time. So I just need to find someone to spend enough time with to trust (or not trust). I should probably try striking up conversations with more strangers who are my age and male. I am not too great at it. In fact, I don't think I have ever done it before. So that might be a good place to start... I'll know it. <-- that is also very reassuring, since I am prone to second guessing and self-sabotaging. He pretty much needs to be wearing a shirt that says "I'M THE ONE!" Can't wait to meet him.
Author theseeker Posted July 8, 2011 Author Posted July 8, 2011 Oh, and here is an article on involuntary celibacy, for those who are interested: http://findarticles.com/p/articles/mi_m2372/is_2_38/ai_79439406/ Just thought I'd share!
Jaina19 Posted July 8, 2011 Posted July 8, 2011 I don't think it's a phobia either, it sounds more like a fear of the unknown which is perfectly normal, loads of people are nervous about their first time especially as they get older, worrying about what it will be like and if they'll live up to past partners, etc. I had a similar fear before my first relationship, and it ended like yours really - about a month long, we didn't have sex but came close, and I fell in love with him regardless. Took me 8 months to get over it and I think I still have some feelings, but it's nowhere near as painful as it was now. Your first love is always the worst to get over, but you will, in time. I don't think you should be ashamed to be a virgin, lots of people wait to be in love and wait for the right person. I have a couple of friends who are 20-something virgins, and I was almost 19 when I lost mine. And I was happy that I had waited until I was ready, even though I was frustrated with myself sometimes. So many people have bad experiences because they weren't ready, or weren't with someone they could trust, but mine was great because I wasn't pressured. However, you really should be honest with the person you're dating so they can understand better why you're a bit uncomfortable with physical contact otherwise they might think you're not into them. And if a guy dumps you for being a virgin, well, he's rubbish. Have you considered online dating? I've had a lot of success with it.
JHS Posted July 8, 2011 Posted July 8, 2011 I am glad you think that coitophobia is too extreme of a characterization. You might just not have a huge sex drive OR you just aren't really attracted to whomever you're with/around. You are probably feeling pressure from pretty much everywhere around you (TV, Youtube, etc) to think that you should be this sexy person hooking up, but if you just don't want to you don't want to. It's like food - you eat when you want to or need to but it's not healthy to force yourself. And on a personal note, I would much prefer to date a woman who is not interested in jumping into bed right away. So again, know and learn who you are and embrace and be proud of it. You will find people whose values are in line with your own and it's with them that you can build healthy relationships.
Author theseeker Posted July 9, 2011 Author Posted July 9, 2011 Have you considered online dating? I've had a lot of success with it. I had an eharmony account a couple of years ago. But, I don't think its for me. I hated all the junk mail they sent me and how they terrorized me, suggesting that I upgrade and pay extra $ so that I could track down my 'soul mate' even though I was already paying for a 'regular' account, etc. It just seemed like a big $ sham. Glad it worked for you, though! Maybe I'll try again. What site do you recommend?
Author theseeker Posted July 9, 2011 Author Posted July 9, 2011 (edited) I am glad you think that coitophobia is too extreme of a characterization. You might just not have a huge sex drive OR you just aren't really attracted to whomever you're with/around. You are probably feeling pressure from pretty much everywhere around you (TV, Youtube, etc) to think that you should be this sexy person hooking up, but if you just don't want to you don't want to. It's like food - you eat when you want to or need to but it's not healthy to force yourself. And on a personal note, I would much prefer to date a woman who is not interested in jumping into bed right away. So again, know and learn who you are and embrace and be proud of it. You will find people whose values are in line with your own and it's with them that you can build healthy relationships. I find the media to be super confusing. It inflates the importance of sex, making it the 'main objective'. In other words, it takes a normal human function and makes it larger than it really is (in my perspective). Like having sex is equivalent to dying, or winning an Oscar (You like me, you really like me! - Sally Field). BUT, at the same time, the media ALSO portrays sex as something casual and frivolous. There are many characters on t.v. shows & in movies who are portrayed as having sex with strangers, or mere acquaintances, and then not showing any emotional repercussions afterwards. As if meaningless sex deserves the same emotional acknowledgment as drinking a Diet Coke. It is refreshing, but when its done you throw the can away and think nothing of it. I do NOT want to force myself, but I have considered it. I talked about my issues with my mother a few weeks ago, when I was feeling really down and out. She responded by saying: "I don't know why you have made it such a big deal! JUST GET YOUR FIRST TIME OVER WITH ALREADY! I know you're scared. But you need to get over yourself. Yes, you're going to be heartbroken, you are going to feel like you have lost something precious to you - but we ALL go through it. Just get it out of the way so that you can move on with your life, get married, and make me some grandchildren!" She even suggested that I have a one night stand. But, I can't do that. Losing my virginity means more to me than that, as it should. I don't want to regret it. I don't want to throw the moment away in order to simply 'get it over with'. I want to enjoy the experience. And, for some odd reason, I feel like if I sleep with a guy - even one I am in a serious relationship with (hypothetically) - they will dump me and move on afterwards. I feel like sex --> heartbreak & unrequited love on my part. I don't know where these thoughts come from, I know men aren't soulless. I guess I have been warned not to fall for there 'tricks' for so long that it has become ingrained in my head or something. I AM beginning to find out who I am, after years of avoiding it. I feel like I have spent my life ignoring this certain personality characteristic that truly bothers me. But, sweeping a mess under a rug doesn't clean it up. My goal is to find out about other people who have had similar experiences, if they were able to overcome it, and how. I do want to have sex, I have a sex drive, the want is definitely there. But I am not an animal, and I want it to be meaningful, fulfilling and fun. That's all. My biggest goal is how to go about finding someone who I trust. I am so horrible at making friends anyway. In fact, it has occurred to me recently that I have no 'best friend' or friends I can simply call to 'hang out'. My best friend has recently entered a very serious same-sex relationship, after ending a 7 year relationship with her (now ex) boyfriend. I am happy for her, but it hurts my feelings that her new female lover has so easily replaced my spot as her female bff. It is as if this new female love of hers replaced her ex, as far as sex & romance is concerned, as well as replaced me, as far as friendship is concerned. I guess she has got the best of both worlds all wrapped up in 1 person. It leaves me a bit lonely, though... And I can honestly say that I haven't made any new friends (real friends) since high school. In college, I made friends by living with people. My many roommates and I always became super close while living together! But after we stopped living with each other the friendship simply wasn't the same. Its normal, I understand completely. But I'm at a loss as to what to do now as far as finding new friendships and new potential partners. It is like I am Paul Rudd's character in I Love You, Man, only I don't have the fiance - or any type of romance. It doesn't both me as much as you would think, I am fine doing things alone most of the time. But it does worry me. And it also makes me feel awkward when I am posting on LS (or doing anything: studying, reading, writing, etc.), sitting alone at a coffee shop on a Friday evening, surrounded by tables filled with groups of friends chatting and having a good time at the end of their work week. Edited July 9, 2011 by theseeker
SincereOnlineGuy Posted July 12, 2011 Posted July 12, 2011 (last things first?) In reference to the very last post above mine, that BFF will likely overwhelm herself in depending on the romantic partner for far too much of her support. Beyond that, don't forget that every set of data resulting in an average age of first kiss, average age of first intercourse, and average age of first marriage, etc. ... has extremes on either end. These "extremes", even as such, need NOT be outside of the range of "normal". Not long ago I happened to read of a girl lamenting her lack of a period beyond her 16th birthday. She went to the doctor regularly and nothing was amiss. It was just "normal for her". For every girl you read about who was menstruating at 9 and pregnant not terribly far after that, there are others, usually far more silent, who didn't get their first period until surprisingly later. So, in MY perfect world, you would SOMEhow be able to impartially discern what elements of yourself are near enough to normal to be considered "normal", and then, hopefully, reason away SOME of your remaining fears about the other elements. The fact that you have a sex drive, and the "want"... suggests to me that you will somehow just "know" when the time and the person are right. Or at least you will become more and more comfortable in experimentation which may help you to have some of the rituals down, for the precise moment when Mr. Right enters your environment. You were very good in understanding how we couldn't confidently address your concerns without further clarity. In due time...
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