AdamsCurse Posted July 6, 2011 Posted July 6, 2011 I feel like that's sort of equivalent to saying, "I want a car, but I don't want to finance it." Or perhaps: "I want to have written the great American novel, but I don't want to have to write it." Regardless, it's true. Some brief psychoanalysis: I'm twenty-nine and I work in a professional job that brings in a really good income. I'm tall, in really good shape, and fairly intelligent. I was in a three and a half year relationship - which led to an engagement - and my fiance ended up cheating on me with a music instructor. I sort of saw the whole thing coming, and warned her that if she didn't head it off I would break up with her. She didn't head it off - probably because I didn't flip out and act jealously enough (though I'd argue that's a silly justification) - and so I broke up with her and kicked her out. I got the requisite, "I'll do anything" and "I'll never find anyone better than you" after the fact, but it was too late. I was actually happy to be finished with it, just because of how painful the period of lies and and backtracking had been. And now I find myself... uncertain. It's been a few months. I've dated online, and I've mostly sort of faded out on the girls I've met or dated, largely because they haven't been desirable enough. I wish I were twenty-six, instead of twenty-nine. I work a lot, and my previous experience with a serious relationship (i.e., this was my only such experience) makes me hesitant to want to devote a lot of time to dating another girl. I didn't breakdown or fall apart because of this, at least, not for much more than a couple of weeks, but overall it was a significant pain in the ass. But really, yeah: I want to be in a good relationship. But whenever I date a girl, I honestly narrate the whole thing out and see how it begins to fall apart. This whole experience has led me to believe that most people will cheat if given an opportunity that they feel will be (a) desirable and (b) unlikely to be found out. I've seen this happen a lot, on both sides of the fence. It's never appealed to me. I guess what I'm asking is: do people still "fall in love" at thirty? I feel like the years to get to know someone and slowly fall in love are when you're younger, and now - as we work more and turn to technology for dating - the whole thing has become processed and microwaved, and we either need to accept that or not date. I can't imagine meeting someone in a bar or randomly whom I'd like to be in a relationship with, and I've felt like most of the girls I meet are desperate to find someone who makes good money so they (i.e. the plural they) can purchase a house and have children. I'm not ready for that latter proposition, yet. As a man, I care more about physical appearance, personality, and intelligence, not income and the desire to produce offspring. Anyway, I hate dating in this age group, or perhaps just: at this age.
Eeyore79 Posted July 6, 2011 Posted July 6, 2011 I guess what I'm asking is: do people still "fall in love" at thirty? I fell in love at thirty We're still together and are still happy. I should point out that I was heartbroken at 28 when my ex turned out to be cheating on me; I stopped loving the only person I'd ever really been able to see myself marrying, and I just felt lost. I moved into a place all by myself, and I was lonely and depressed for a long time. I dated a few undesirable prospects and dumped them pretty quickly, and never really felt anything for them other than being glad of some company for a while. Then I randomly met my boyfriend while out doing a hobby; he was attractive and decent and we had loads in common, so we started dating I think relationships are actually a lot easier at 30, because you know what you want and it's much easier to filter out the undesirables. I dumped four unsatisfactory men in the space of 18 months (the previous four men took up eight years of my life), so I'd say I was much clearer on what I wanted and much more willing to quickly dump someone who didn't meet my standards and move on. I think perhaps you're a little distrustful because your previous relationship ended after such a long time, and (understandably) you don't want to waste years on a relationship again. But you have to realize that other women aren't your ex, and they can be trustworthy and faithful. You also have to realize that you're in control; take your time to assess a woman properly and decide if she's worthy of your time investment before you spend years in a relationship with her. When it comes down to it though, you simply have to bite the bullet and trust the other person. I know it's hard, because I was afraid of being hurt and was reluctant to love someone again, but I gave my partner a chance and he's been totally trustworthy so far. The good thing is that at 30 you can decide a lot faster if a relationship is right for you, and move towards marriage if you want to - at 20 i thought nothing of dating for 4-5 years, whereas at 30 I'd be happy to get engaged after a year if the guy was right for me. Also just because someone wants a home and a family in the next five years or so, that doesn't mean they're not looking for a partner who they love. To me it seems sensible to choose someone who shares your long term goals and is in a position to achieve them with you - but that doesn't mean you completely put love aside.
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