gebonez Posted July 6, 2011 Posted July 6, 2011 (edited) Hi all, Just need a little advise I am 28 and have been dating this girl that is 29 for almost a year now and I have never been this happy with any other girl. About 6 months ago she went out with an ex for drinks and blacked out. She came to at her ex's house with her ex was on top of her, she said she stopped him and ran to the bathroom. She told me a couple days later and I could see that she was truly sorry for what happened and I know it will never happen again. I asked her why she went out with him at all and she said that she thought they were back to friends and nothing would happen. The big issue i am still having is that she can not tell me how or why it happened. All i get from her is i cant remember and i dont know why. What can i do to move past this. I do not want to break up with her but i feel that may happen if i cant stop asking why. please help Edited July 6, 2011 by gebonez
Silivren Posted July 6, 2011 Posted July 6, 2011 Ever consider the possibility that someone may have deliberately slipped something in her drink? - It does happen. A girlfriend of mine had GHB slipped in her drink at a club and THANKFULLY she had trustworthy friends with her that made sure she got home safely.
Author gebonez Posted July 6, 2011 Author Posted July 6, 2011 That was one thing i asked her and she said that she didn't think he was capable of doing that and this was me just trying to blame someone else but her. She says she put herself in this situation that she should not have been in and that she should be the one i should be mad at.
Silivren Posted July 6, 2011 Posted July 6, 2011 We don't often want to believe that someone can be capable of such a heinous act but it happens. GHB depending on the dose can last 1.5 hours or more - a classic symptom of being drugged is disorientation and blacking out with no memory. It is odorless and tasteless (except for being salty) it can easily be administered in drinks. It usually leaves the system within 24 hours leaving no trace. I'm just saying - blacking out isn't a typical symptom of having "a couple of drinks"
2010_Sorry Posted July 6, 2011 Posted July 6, 2011 Yeah, I was thinking it sounds like the ex slipped something in her drink as I was reading your post. It adds up, since she blacked out like she did. Here are some things to keep in mind: 1. When people drink, they usually become fearless. This means that IF she intended to sleep with this guy from the beginning... she NEVER should have pushed him off when she came to. 2. She told you and you didn't push this out of her. The guilt of what happened caused her to tell you about it. She is close enough to you to tell you about this terrible thing that happened and how badly she feels. This is huge. Lastly, be patient with yourself. Your trust has been shaken. It's okay to have these questions, it's okay to feel that she needs to earn her trust in you... Good luck!
Author gebonez Posted July 6, 2011 Author Posted July 6, 2011 Thanks for the info. I think there is a real possibility of this being what happened. Is it OK for me to think this happened just to help me move past it even though she does not believe it and wants me to blame her? I don't want every fight to lead back to this.
2010_Sorry Posted July 6, 2011 Posted July 6, 2011 Good question. You know how sometimes victims of sexual abuse feel that they are to blame? They feel shameful and believe they somehow caused the abuser to act the way that they did. I'm no expert, by any stretch... but her pushing you toward blaming her sound classic. Granted, only you know best. You know what other things have occured, other texts, discussions, e-mails that you two have shared. If you need time alone to work through this, then there's nothing wrong with that either.
wilsonx Posted July 6, 2011 Posted July 6, 2011 Hi all, Just need a little advise I am 28 and have been dating this girl that is 29 for almost a year now and I have never been this happy with any other girl. About 6 months ago she went out with an ex for drinks and blacked out. She came to at her ex's house with her ex was on top of her, she said she stopped him and ran to the bathroom. She told me a couple days later and I could see that she was truly sorry for what happened and I know it will never happen again. I asked her why she went out with him at all and she said that she thought they were back to friends and nothing would happen. The big issue i am still having is that she can not tell me how or why it happened. All i get from her is i cant remember and i dont know why. What can i do to move past this. I do not want to break up with her but i feel that may happen if i cant stop asking why. please help Look, I do not agree with this. I think its an excuse and shes feeling guilty. If you do not know anything about ex's they make the best FWB or quick hookup for both partners. She's lying to you. Remember, people lie all the time to get out of trouble, Even in relationships, people lie. Im pretty sure you have and I know I have but cheating is crossing the line. She knows what really happened. She want drugged, she wanted it just as much as he did. If it did not happen like I just said the police would be involved
wilsonx Posted July 6, 2011 Posted July 6, 2011 Thanks for the info. I think there is a real possibility of this being what happened. Is it OK for me to think this happened just to help me move past it even though she does not believe it and wants me to blame her? I don't want every fight to lead back to this. Every fight will lead back to this, you will not forgive her. Don't believe me? Watch! 3 months from now, this will be on your mind and you will die little by little inside. I went over a year with my ex cheating on me and it killed me more by more everyday for over a year and I tried to accept it. I honestly advice you that you cut your losses now and heal from it. This is my #1 regret from my relationship, not holding my ground on ending it for her cheating on me. I lost my dignity, my pride, my self respect and in the end my confidence
Silivren Posted July 6, 2011 Posted July 6, 2011 Look, I do not agree with this. I think its an excuse and shes feeling guilty. If you do not know anything about ex's they make the best FWB or quick hookup for both partners. She's lying to you. Remember, people lie all the time to get out of trouble, Even in relationships, people lie. Im pretty sure you have and I know I have but cheating is crossing the line. She knows what really happened. She want drugged, she wanted it just as much as he did. If it did not happen like I just said the police would be involved Girls get sexually assaulted all the time and don't always report it. Woman gets raped. Reports it to the police. Has to go to the hospital to provide samples. Is feeling violated all over again. Then has to testify against her rapist and is CRUCIFIED in court. Yeah. There's LOTS of assaults that go unreported. Not to mention GHB leaves the system after 24 hours. NO EVIDENCE. Very hard to prove. So someone drugs you. You black out and are disoriented. Find a man on top of you. Freak out knowing full well you have a boyfriend and feel somehow guilty - it must have been your fault - how could this have happened? Completely implausible. She must be lying. Right.
wilsonx Posted July 6, 2011 Posted July 6, 2011 (edited) From a stranger at a bar, completely plausable From an ex.. eh... i can call shenanigans The ultimate problem is the OPs trust in the situation. If it walks like a duck, talks like a duck, it is a duck. In his mind (I HAVE BEEN THERE), hes thinking oh crap she put herself in a bad situation, she got drunk and slept with her ex. Guess what my ex did last year on her birthday, met up with an ex of her went to the beach got drunk and hotel room and for a year she told me nothing happened. Do you think I was born yesterday? AFTER she finally broke up with me a year later, she said you were right about my birthday last year me and him hooked up... The problem is THIS IS GOING TO PLAGUE gebonez psyche for the rest of the relationship just like it did me. His gf put herself in the situation as did mine. He is going to bring it up in every fight and argument that comes up because he's not 100% sure. He is questioning his trust in her right now right here on these forums. For the sake of gebonez psyche, call a break on the relationship. Sort out any trust issues you have without her in your life for a while because this will eat you alive like it did me and anyone else that has been cheated on in a relationship Edited July 6, 2011 by wilsonx
Silivren Posted July 6, 2011 Posted July 6, 2011 From a stranger at a bar, completely plausable From an ex.. eh... i can call shenanigans The ultimate problem is the OPs trust in the situation. If it walks like a duck, talks like a duck, it is a duck. In his mind (I HAVE BEEN THERE), hes thinking oh crap she put herself in a bad situation, she got drunk and slept with her ex. Guess what my ex did last year on her birthday, met up with an ex of her went to the beach got drunk and hotel room and for a year she told me nothing happened. Do you think I was born yesterday? AFTER she finally broke up with me a year later, she said you were right about my birthday last year me and him hooked up... The problem is THIS IS GOING TO PLAGUE gebonez psyche for the rest of the relationship just like it did me. His gf put herself in the situation as did mine. He is going to bring it up in every fight and argument that comes up because he's not 100% sure. He is questioning his trust in her right now right here on these forums. For the sake of gebonez psyche, call a break on the relationship. Sort out any trust issues you have without her in your life for a while because this will eat you alive like it did me and anyone else that has been cheated on in a relationship I'm sorry but here you are dead wrong. It is a FACT that in 80% of rape cases the victim knew their rapist. Consent is consent no matter which way you look at it. And I'm sorry - it didn't really sound to me as if the OP's girl consented to have sex with someone. She blacked out. She can't explain why or how it happened. All of a sudden she was at this guys place with him on top of her. Just because your ex betrayed you don't mean that this is the same scenario. You can't paint everyone with the same brush.
wilsonx Posted July 6, 2011 Posted July 6, 2011 (edited) I'm sorry but here you are dead wrong. It is a FACT that in 80% of rape cases the victim knew their rapist. Consent is consent no matter which way you look at it. And I'm sorry - it didn't really sound to me as if the OP's girl consented to have sex with someone. She blacked out. She can't explain why or how it happened. All of a sudden she was at this guys place with him on top of her. Just because your ex betrayed you don't mean that this is the same scenario. You can't paint everyone with the same brush. Are you 100% Sure Im dead wrong? Are you his current GF? The problem is not what you say or what I say its whats on gebonez mind. He's not going to ever get over this... its not going to happen... its going to plague him for the rest of the relationship... My ex told me nothing happened... so for over a year I had a trust issue with her. Right now, gebonez has a trust issue with his current gf. Every argument, I brought this up... it happened Even if this happened just like his gf said it did happen, the TRUST issue is still a problem that hes not going to be able to ever let go without time to heal from it. Edited July 6, 2011 by wilsonx
Silivren Posted July 6, 2011 Posted July 6, 2011 Are you 100% Sure Im dead wrong? Are you his current GF? The problem is not what you say or what I say its whats on gebonez mind. He's not going to ever get over this... its not going to happen... its going to plague him for the rest of the relationship Re-read your post. This was what I was referring to: "From a stranger at a bar, completely plausable From an ex.. eh... i can call shenanigans" Yes. I am 100% sure that you are wrong about that http://wcstx.com/sexual-assault/acquitance-rape
wilsonx Posted July 6, 2011 Posted July 6, 2011 this happened 6 months ago and the op still cant trust her, its time for a break in the relationship, no matter what happened. Ask anyone here. You can post stats of sexual rape crap all day long but the fact is something happened, op still has trust issues, the relationship is toast. Time for gebonez to break it so that he can at least heal and solve the trust issues with himself
Lemontang Posted July 6, 2011 Posted July 6, 2011 Thought I might throw a spanner in the works. WilsonX your obviously pretty bitter about your ex still and you know what that's cool, a year ago I'd almost be saying the same stuff having gone through the exact same crap. I look at half of my stuff on the forums now and really see how far I've come and grown as a person, and I'm sure you will too in time. You are on the right track though plus it's normal to feel how you do about your ex. Heck you'll eventually just feel sorry for them for being such a loser and then really nothing at all. But Gobonez does have a hard one which isn't so cut and paste. Namely his GF came to him and told him about it, she didn't hide it and has made full admissions she put herself in a situation that could go anywhere. Heck I've done this myself with ex's who I have no feelings for but as friends. Only to wake up in bed the next day with them so yes FWB is one line, but no matter how drunk I was I knew what I was doing. Gobonez's girls not only told him straight up, but she also said she blacked out, so really she has no idea what actually happened. That and if it did happen she could have gone into shock as well waking up and finding him on her. An ex of mine prior to meeting me had a similar experience where she was out with friends only to wake up in some park with her knickers around her ankles. She never reported it because she couldn't actually say what happened, let alone how she ended up in a park (she did get tested though). I'd love to drop the line once a cheater always a cheater, but there are two types. Ones who do it once only to be so racked with guilt they'll never do it again, and then you'll get the ones who cry foul only after you catch them out, say they'll never do it again and then 3 months later she's acting all weird again. This one however I'm 40/60 with. She's either the 1st kind of cheater where it's a once only, but I'm steering towards she was sexually abused/raped but because of the blackout can't really confirm or deny it. Innocent till proven guilty in this case. Gobonez this is clearly eating you up, because of this I'd be talking to her about it, not taking a break, better yet be supportive by suggesting councilling. If she didn't give consent then councilling may help sort out both hers and your feelings and insecurities. If anything the councilling will either help with the relationship or bring up things where it maybe best to end it, at the very least it will help you move forward.
dng Posted July 6, 2011 Posted July 6, 2011 this happened 6 months ago and the op still cant trust her, its time for a break in the relationship, no matter what happened. Ask anyone here. You can post stats of sexual rape crap all day long but the fact is something happened, op still has trust issues, the relationship is toast. Time for gebonez to break it so that he can at least heal and solve the trust issues with himself This. I had something similar happen to me, if that helps. A guy from work she was getting close to. She denied for months and months and it seemed so implausible to me, we had just moved in together, yet somethings just didnt add up. It was a fight between my gut feelings and what she was telling me. It ate at me for months and months until I asked another coworker of hers and she told me "I'm not getting in the middle of this, ask her". I never ever got to the heart of it. I asked her to quit her job, she wouldnt. She ended up telling me the same thing, she pushed him away once. Then rescinded on that and she finally settled on "I dont remember". Its called gaslighting. For all I know, nothing ever happened or it was a full blown affair. I dumped her over it and she cried her way back over a matter of months. I still regret taking her back but I wanna get past it.
iceweasel6 Posted July 6, 2011 Posted July 6, 2011 Bottom line. No woman deserved to be raped. Whether she knew the rapist or not. With that said - there is only one thing I want to know - when was the police report filed? If it wasn't - sorry - but I have to strongly agree with wilsonx on this one. She is not in fear of her life, nor is she a battered spouse/gf, no threats to her bodily harm were made. She is in a secure loving relationship with the OP. If no report was filed - she cheated bottom line. There is no woman that I know who would not take action on being raped by an ex. Period.
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