Dating with aspergers

[sugarlumps]

I was diagnosed with the condition about 6 years ago. In the last 3 years I've doubted whether I have it, as I know people with aspergers as well who exhibit symptoms much stronger than I do. I have trouble fitting in sometimes, particularly when I know little to no one else around when. When I'm comfortable with a setting and group of people, though, I'm very outgoing and funny. People enjoy being around me when I'm in my element like that. Probably the biggest trait I have that is a symptom of aspergers is an obsession. I spend hours upon hours every day alone writing music and scripts. I've written plays and musicals in the past that I've put on successfully. I also act and when I'm cast in a role I get deep into the character and I think I'm right to say that my work pays off and my performances get a lot of praise. It's all because I'm so focused on my work. I like to hang out with people, particularly ones I act and write with, but I always seem to be far more ambitious about writing...ie I'll call them over for a writer's meeting and I'll be the only one doing work while they drink.

 

Anyway, onto the dating part. There have been a lot of girls interested in me in past plays I've been in, but I either didn't notice until much later or didn't care. That doesn't mean I wouldn't like to date, though. I've never had a girlfriend and I've really only been with one girl several years ago. I'm an attractive, tall, and fit guy and when I'm outgoing and funny I'm sure I attract women, but they expect me to make moves when I have no idea what to do. I always talk to any girl, whether I like them or not, as if I'm talking to another guy...ie not in a sexual manner at all.

 

There are always some girls at any given time that peak my interest. I'd like to go out with them but I never know how to proceed without embarassing myself. I guess that's where my aspergers holds me back. Can anyone relate or does anyone have any advice?

[one goal]

I don't think you have Asperger's. I'm sceptical that the condition actually exists.

 

Perhaps you are just shy, or get tonguetied.

 

I agree. People on here said I have assburgers, but I NOTICE when a girl pays attention to me. Probably too much lol.

[sugarlumps]

I don't think you have Asperger's. I'm sceptical that the condition actually exists.

 

I am skeptical that I have it as well, but it definitely exists. If I have it I'm probably as high-functioning as you can get. When I was diagnosed it was much more believable since I was going through some other mental struggles and was also very socially awkward at the time.

 

Perhaps you are just shy, or get tonguetied.

The thing is I'm not always shy, in fact I'm more outgoing than I am shy. The other night I was at a small party with a friend and I felt fine. I was comfortable and outgoing, and as a result I noticed two of the girls there paying more attention to me. Unfortunately, I didn't know where to go from there, so they slipped away.

 

I don't think shyness is an inherent trait of aspergers either. One guy I know who definitely has it talks all the time, but the things he talks about are weird and makes conversations he's in very awkward.

[thatone]

don't get how you can be shy and act/write (unless the writing is never showed to anyone else).

 

write a description of the type of woman you're attracted to, develop an act that you would use in conversation with such a woman, apply, repeat as necessary.

[Dust]

Aspergers is something any nerdy odd person could end up getting diagnosed with. It’s almost worse then ADHD because people will watch a movie like Napoleon Dynamite or take a figure from history like Einstein and some how diagnose them with Aspergers. What good does it do you to even think of yourself in this way.

 

I myself am an odd person who has trouble connecting with people sometimes. For the longest time I was completely awkward around women I liked. At the end of the day I see no reason to diagnose myself with some disorder. I do feel that if you look hard enough any one can be diagnosed by something. Aspergers is very much a catch all. Even people who don’t have it can read the symptoms and relate. I know I don’t have it. You might not have it either. I guarantee if you wanted to you could find a very professional Doctor to tell you that you don’t.

 

I say you just go out there and talk to and ask out girls you like. So what if you are awkward. Just say you are an awkward guy if they tell you something like “what is wrong with you.” I feel it would be a stigmatizing crutch to say you have a form of autism called aspergers to potential dates/lovers. Any one who writes a lot is often odd. Do they all have aspergers? Does Stephen King have aspergers? Who knows, don’t stigmatize yourself though just go out there and date and don’t put a label on it. Afterall being a virgin is a real thing and I certainly didn’t tell my first gf I was one of those.

[robdrm32]

don't get how you can be shy and act/write (unless the writing is never showed to anyone else).

 

Just like i'm a shy person, but in school i could get up and talk in-front of the class and not give a damn, while the popular social-butterflies would get all tongue-tied and shaky.

 

its when i get into those first time, one on one situations that i lock up.

[sugarlumps]

the fact shyness is not inherent to asbergers is why I mentioned it. getting tonguetied hardly denotes autism.

 

It's not so much that I get tongue tied. I carry on conversations fine, and I have enough going on with me that our conversations are usually interesting because myself and the girl find several things to talk about. It more has to do with I don't realize I have an opportunity until it's gone. I just have fun and be myself, and it works to some extent, but after the girls leave I never have a way of seeing them again.

 

Aspergers is something any nerdy odd person could end up getting diagnosed with. It’s almost worse then ADHD because people will watch a movie like Napoleon Dynamite or take a figure from history like Einstein and some how diagnose them with Aspergers. What good does it do you to even think of yourself in this way.

 

I myself am an odd person who has trouble connecting with people sometimes. For the longest time I was completely awkward around women I liked. At the end of the day I see no reason to diagnose myself with some disorder. I do feel that if you look hard enough any one can be diagnosed by something. Aspergers is very much a catch all. Even people who don’t have it can read the symptoms and relate. I know I don’t have it. You might not have it either. I guarantee if you wanted to you could find a very professional Doctor to tell you that you don’t.

 

I say you just go out there and talk to and ask out girls you like. So what if you are awkward. Just say you are an awkward guy if they tell you something like “what is wrong with you.” I feel it would be a stigmatizing crutch to say you have a form of autism called aspergers to potential dates/lovers. Any one who writes a lot is often odd. Do they all have aspergers? Does Stephen King have aspergers? Who knows, don’t stigmatize yourself though just go out there and date and don’t put a label on it. Afterall being a virgin is a real thing and I certainly didn’t tell my first gf I was one of those.

 

I agree that you can find aspergers traits in a lot of people and that doesn't mean they have it, but as I said before, I think it definitely exists because I've seen some strong cases that go beyond the typical nerdy shy guy. You're right that I shouldn't label myself. I've always told myself that and I don't know why I'm starting now.

[thatone]

i have an opinion on this i rarely see mentioned, so here it is now that your post brought it to mind.

 

having things to talk about is a function of experience. whether that experience be professional, or educational, or having traveled the world and knowing about other places and other people, etc.

 

so being young is a catch 22, you don't have anything to talk about because you don't have anything to talk about.

 

this is made worse these days by specialized education in the western universities, the liberal arts education idea is dead, for the most part, people are taught to go to school for whatever will make them the most money and finish as soon as possible so they can get to work. that leads to 30 and 40 year olds who have nothing to talk about because they have nothing to talk about.

 

as you get older it'll get easier, because your obsessive nature will drive you to learn a lot about many different things. so you'll have lots to talk about.

 

but in the meantime, don't worry too much about it, that's what you're supposed to be doing in your 20s, learning. so learn, travel, work lots of different jobs, etc.

[rafallus]

I agree. People on here said I have assburgers,

You do, because you have your ass fried, handed out and eaten in every thread you make.

[Taramere]

You do, because you have your ass fried, handed out and eaten in every thread you make.

 

 

Probably the biggest trait I have that is a symptom of aspergers is an obsession. I spend hours upon hours every day alone writing music and scripts. I've written plays and musicals in the past that I've put on successfully. I also act and when I'm cast in a role I get deep into the character and I think I'm right to say that my work pays off and my performances get a lot of praise.

 

If that's Aspergers then I'll have some of it, thank you very much.

 

I agree with you that it exists, but as with so other many conditions its a collection of human traits that are exaggerated enough to cause problems in a person's life. So whenever somebody encounters a problem related to one of their personality traits, people are rushing in there with a diagnosis. It really just sounds as though shyness is the negative counterpart to some of your very positive traits.

 

You hardly come across in the written word like somebody who can't grasp the norms of social interaction. Isn't difficulty in placing oneself in another's shoes one of the aspects of Asperger's that causes difficulties in social interactions? It's hard to see how you could get so thoroughly into the roles you play if that were true of you.

 

If somebody is having serious difficulties that result in them behaving abusively in relationships, committing crimes, self harming or behaving in other antisocial ways then that's fair enough....but if people are being pathologised because they're a bit shy at crowded social gatherings, well that sounds to me like the psychiatric profession and the pharmaceutical industries creating a lot of (lucrative) work for themselves.

 

You sound like the embodiment of the creative introvert who can be energised in small groups of people they spark off well against, but is drained and stressed by larger gatherings.

 

Have you read Zero Degrees of Empathy by Simon Baron Cohen? Borat's cousin! He's one of the leading experts in the field of Asperger's. It's an interesting read.

[vsmini]

How can I put this without being really, really offensive. I guess I can't.

 

The people I know who have been diagnosed with aspberger's are incredibly annoying to hang around and totally unaware of themselves. I know one in particular who just has no filter and does NOT understand what makes him socially inept. He would often say that the only "symptom" he had of Aspbegers was his obsession with perfection and often passed it off as a positive symptom.

 

My only tip would be to maintain keen self awareness of how you may come off to others as some could interpret it as rude.

 

So....my advice. You have to be yourself - even if that includes symptoms and all. To fight it too hard would be denying your self and you should never do that. Appreciate who you are, flaws and all. Someone out there will appreciate you. The guy I mentioned above is now engaged. Trust me - this will not completely hold you back.

 

Personal question but....is medication given to those with Aspberger's if they wish?

[vsmini]

Your friend is being himself. Ironically, healthy people accept others as they are. Besides, if he has a condition, why scold him for it? Do you scold people with spina bifida, or who were born with club feet?

 

I think Asberger's is a made-up condition, and purported by doctors that don't want to understand the human condition.

 

I'm not scolding - just pointing out what I observe from people that have it and what other people might see as well. Sorry if it's not all sunshine and roses for you.

 

The trouple with Aspberger's is - sometimes it's subtle enough for most people to assume someone is just rude or obnoxious. That's most people's go-to reaction. 9 times out of 10, if someone with Asperger's says or does something out of sync (and you don't know they are diagnosed), the person will write them off as being rude - they don't think "well maybe something is really wrong with him" which is why this guy is having problems dating in the first place. I'm not personally attacking his character. The guy I work with says really, really rude and condescending things - and unless he has a sign taped to his back nobody would know and would think he was just a jerk. Of course knowing he has a condition we're more understanding.

It's not as obvious as spina bifida - what an absurd comparison.

[iris219]

I don’t know if you have Asperger’s or not. If you do, it could be difficult, but not impossible, for you to maintain long term relationships.

 

Like vsmini said, people with Asperger’s often don’t see anything unusual about their behavior (it’s one of the symptoms—not being able to decipher social cues, like when someone is bored with you or thinks you’re being odd). In fact, they often think others are the “weird” ones, because again, they can’t understand why someone is doing or saying certain things. If they wouldn’t do or say something in a certain way, they often have a hard time understanding why others would.

 

My ex had Asperger’s. I could list some of the symptoms he had if you’d like, but since it’s a spectrum disorder, everyone will display different symptoms and varying degrees of the symptoms.

 

If I was you, I wouldn’t worry too much about what happens before a relationship begins. I would worry about my behavior in the relationship. This is where my ex was an epic failure. He has never been able to maintain relationships, BUT his brother also has it and is married. I'm pretty sure his brother's wife is an aspie as well.

 

There's no medication specifically for Asperger's that I know of, but therapy that teaches you to better recognize social cues can be helpful for some.

[iris219]

lmao.. well, I think it's just bruised egos on others' part. I don't really believe the condition exists, and is just something pop culture cites. Also, I think that man is the measure of all things, so it's just another variation of personality type.

 

Asperger's is a form of autism. Do you not think autism exists?

 

I guess it doesn't matter if there is such a thing. If your "personality type" is unlike most other's and this makes it hard for you to interact with others, the outcome is the same regardless of whether the disorder exists or not.

[vsmini]

lmao.. well, I think it's just bruised egos on others' part. I don't really believe the condition exists, and is just something pop culture cites. Also, I think that man is the measure of all things, so it's just another variation of personality type.

 

Speaking of pop culture. It's a very hip and trendy thing for people with little to no medical knowledge to completely dismiss a lot of medical conditions. I've never understood this. Are things over-diagnosed? Probably, but to completely dismiss a medical condition is pretty strange...and everyone seems to be doing it now a days.

[sugarlumps]

After thinking about it, I realized this is a silly thread for my case. I was diagnosed with Asperger's a while ago when I fit the bill for the condition much more accurately. Back then I couldn't look at people when I talked to them and did not understand ANY social cues. Now, if you met me in person you wouldn't believe I have the condition. I have some traits of it, but everyone has traits of it in one form or another. You could describe me as an outgoing funny guy who sometimes is a little eccentric (I talk to myself a lot, think out loud, etc)

 

Besides, as people here have said, it's only a label and means very little. For years I lived my life thinking I didn't have anything to do with it and I was right. There are just times now and then when I revert back to who I was a few years ago, when I was seeing doctors and on medication. That's far behind me, though.

 

i have an opinion on this i rarely see mentioned, so here it is now that your post brought it to mind.

 

having things to talk about is a function of experience. whether that experience be professional, or educational, or having traveled the world and knowing about other places and other people, etc.

 

so being young is a catch 22, you don't have anything to talk about because you don't have anything to talk about.

 

this is made worse these days by specialized education in the western universities, the liberal arts education idea is dead, for the most part, people are taught to go to school for whatever will make them the most money and finish as soon as possible so they can get to work. that leads to 30 and 40 year olds who have nothing to talk about because they have nothing to talk about.

 

as you get older it'll get easier, because your obsessive nature will drive you to learn a lot about many different things. so you'll have lots to talk about.

 

but in the meantime, don't worry too much about it, that's what you're supposed to be doing in your 20s, learning. so learn, travel, work lots of different jobs, etc.

 

Those were some wise things you said. I have friends who are getting jobs at big companies in the city now that we're out of college, but I don't want that. I don't care about making money. I want to travel, meet people, and pursue what I want to do. I don't care if I fail. I want to try. It's better than getting some job I hate now with my degree and waking up tomorrow in my 40's not having done anything.

 

How can I put this without being really, really offensive. I guess I can't.

 

The people I know who have been diagnosed with aspberger's are incredibly annoying to hang around and totally unaware of themselves. I know one in particular who just has no filter and does NOT understand what makes him socially inept. He would often say that the only "symptom" he had of Aspbegers was his obsession with perfection and often passed it off as a positive symptom.

 

My only tip would be to maintain keen self awareness of how you may come off to others as some could interpret it as rude.

 

So....my advice. You have to be yourself - even if that includes symptoms and all. To fight it too hard would be denying your self and you should never do that. Appreciate who you are, flaws and all. Someone out there will appreciate you. The guy I mentioned above is now engaged. Trust me - this will not completely hold you back.

 

Personal question but....is medication given to those with Aspberger's if they wish?

 

It's things like this why I think the condition doesn't apply to me. I was was unaware of myself socially. I did things that annoyed people without having any idea. Now, I'm just myself and I attract people around me. I just needed a few years of getting used to socializing to really come out of my shell.

 

And yes, I was given lots of medication in the past to treat my conditions. I've been off meds for well over a year now.

 

I don’t know if you have Asperger’s or not. If you do, it could be difficult, but not impossible, for you to maintain long term relationships.

 

Like vsmini said, people with Asperger’s often don’t see anything unusual about their behavior (it’s one of the symptoms—not being able to decipher social cues, like when someone is bored with you or thinks you’re being odd). In fact, they often think others are the “weird” ones, because again, they can’t understand why someone is doing or saying certain things. If they wouldn’t do or say something in a certain way, they often have a hard time understanding why others would.

 

My ex had Asperger’s. I could list some of the symptoms he had if you’d like, but since it’s a spectrum disorder, everyone will display different symptoms and varying degrees of the symptoms.

 

If I was you, I wouldn’t worry too much about what happens before a relationship begins. I would worry about my behavior in the relationship. This is where my ex was an epic failure. He has never been able to maintain relationships, BUT his brother also has it and is married. I'm pretty sure his brother's wife is an aspie as well.

 

There's no medication specifically for Asperger's that I know of, but therapy that teaches you to better recognize social cues can be helpful for some.

 

I don't know how I'd fare in a long-term relationship, but I certainly want a chance at it, which I haven't gotten yet. I'm confident I'd make a good boyfriend in a lot of ways, but at the same time I think a girlfriend that needed me too much to the point where she would interfere with my work would drive me away.

Edited July 7, 2011 by sugarlumps

[Red Arremer]

I've often felt "socially retarded" myself in that I don't really understand social cues a lot of the time and a lot of normal social interactions (dating and relationships especially) just completely mystify me, but I don't know if that's due to something like Aspergers or just a lack of social training/experience. I'm leaning towards the latter just because I don't feel like I really exhibit any other autism/Aspergers symptoms, but who knows.

 

In any event, I totally get where the OP is coming from and it's a crappy place to be in.

[Sith Apprentice]

Autism exists, but Asperger's does not. Aspergers is just an excuse that AFC's use to keep from self improving.

[welikeincrowds]

Autism exists, but Asperger's does not. Aspergers is just an excuse that AFC's use to keep from self improving.

Asperger's is an Autism spectrum disorder, so that doesn't make sense.

 

People with Asperger's have to do hard work to fit into social situations, because they don't get the subconscious information that we take for granted. They have to consciously consider what certain muscle contractions in someone's face might "mean", and then actively change their behavior -- posture, inflection, discussion topic -- to accommodate.

 

Surely there exists no end of people who employ various conditions or problems as excuses to not try. But there's no reason to imply that Asperger's does not present real challenges. Compensating for the shortcomings of Asperger's requires that one reject the workings of his own mind. That's difficult, for anyone.

[sugarlumps]

Autism exists, but Asperger's does not. Aspergers is just an excuse that AFC's use to keep from self improving.

 

If I used it as an excuse not to self-improve, I wouldn't be where I am now. In my mid-teenage years I was very overweight, secluded, and did nothing except play on the computer. At one point I got so tired of myself that I decided to make a change. I got fit, I got interested in music, acting, and writing, and spent years learning and refining my skills. I spent my entire time in college on a winning varsity swim team. I would have never believed I'd do that as some fat secluded 15 year old. I've made myself into something that I'm proud of. Don't you sit there and tell me I'm lazy and make excuses not to improve myself.

 

I just need some help with girls, which is why I'm on this site. It's the one thing that's always evaded me. I want to improve, and I don't want to make excuses.

 

I also think that's a ****ty thing to say about guys who are much worse off than me that definitely have a form of Asperger's/Autism.

[Sith Apprentice]

Asperger’s Syndrome is another one of those nonsensical psychiatric “diseases.” you may want to amuse yourself by visiting the Asperger Society website. Apparently, if a subject does not enjoy making vacuous small talk about pop culture, has interests which differ from an (unspecified) approved list or shows in-depth interest in any topic, displays “excessive” knowledge while answering a question, is not overly concerned with what others think and is resistant to peer pressure, then the subject is considered to have a disability and in need of psychotropic drug therapy?

 

This reminds me of high school when all the jocks had ADD and needed to be put in special classes. showing up at a psychs office and being willing to blame my problems on something else meant I was damn near guaranteed to be diagnosed with something.

[molimo140]

I don't think asperger's exists. That is, at least it certainly isn't a DISEASE and it isn't resultant from some genetic problem.

 

I think this is one of those nature/nurture things. How someone grows up plays a huge part in how they act in social situations.

 

People are obsessed with coming up with a label for problems they have. This is especially true of psychological problems. It's like they need to be able to call it something so that they feel like the problems they are having aren't just in their heads.

 

I have a lot in common with you, sugarlumps. I have no way of knowing how you'd fare in a long-term relationship, but my advice would be to not wait for girls to show interest in you (some people are too subtle anyway..) and to just ask girls you like out on dates.

 

It sounds like you can carry on conversations just fine, all you need to do is ask a girl if they'd like to go out sometime. It won't be easy, but I don't think that there is a simpler solution.

[vsmini]

Asperger’s Syndrome is another one of those nonsensical psychiatric “diseases.” you may want to amuse yourself by visiting the Asperger Society website. Apparently, if a subject does not enjoy making vacuous small talk about pop culture, has interests which differ from an (unspecified) approved list or shows in-depth interest in any topic, displays “excessive” knowledge while answering a question, is not overly concerned with what others think and is resistant to peer pressure, then the subject is considered to have a disability and in need of psychotropic drug therapy?

 

This reminds me of high school when all the jocks had ADD and needed to be put in special classes. showing up at a psychs office and being willing to blame my problems on something else meant I was damn near guaranteed to be diagnosed with something.

 

Another person who thinks he has all the answers and can dismiss and entire medical genera with limited experience. You think your opinion on this sets you apart. Though I'm sure ADD and Aspb is over diagnosed they are very real. And you're dismissal of the OP - even after he said he has bettered himself is disgusting. You'd rather stand by your stupid statement (with your head in the sand) then actually listen to someone who has the problem.

 

People like you are a dime a dozen. Snoooze.