The Poster Posted July 5, 2011 Posted July 5, 2011 This community seems to be very supportive and offer great advice, so I signed up because I need some help after my girlfriend broke up with me. Here's the story...We started dating almost 2 years ago and we fell in love early and hard. We were inseperable for the first 20 months and very lovey dovey. She ALWAYS talked about how I was just what she wanted, always talked about our future together (getting married, kids, where to live, etc.) It got to the point where we were unbreakable. I've always been a jealous and paranoid guy, but for the first 20 months, I never had anything to worry about because she had no social life (she moved away from home when we met.) So it was ALWAYS just us or my friends. Then she re-joined the local rescue squad as she loves doing volunteer EMS, and started making friends with all of these guys. At first, it didn't bother me so much but then my jealousy and paranoia started to explode and it was obvious. I couldn't handle the fact she had all of these new male friends and that I lost some of my time with her. I made mistakes and one huge one by accusing her of cheating on me. It hurt her so she thought it was best we took a break so I can take a step back and realize what I had been doing. It worked. I killed myself for the things I said and did. Appologized a thousand times and showed her I was changing. Problem was, after a week or so, I couldn't handle the break anymore. I couldn't deal with how much things changed. I became clingy. I missed her so much and kept begging her to hang out and talk more. I couldn't handle feeling so disconnected to her. All of the lovey dovey stuff she used to do stopped and it drove me crazy. I didn't know what to think anymore. Even during the break she kept telling me I was the one and she loved me and wanted no one else...she just needed time. And then I made my next mistake by again bugging her about the lack of calls and hanging out and everything. She called me the next day and basically said "I don't want to break up with you but you're stressing me out and I have too much going on with school and trying to work enough to pay my bills" (which is all true). However, she also said that I was still who she wanted to marry and that she loved me and I was still the most important person in her life and that she's not interested in someone else. I'm not sure if she was lying and only said that to let me down easy or if she truly meant it. I'm just so confused and torn apart. I mean, I know it happens but I never thought it would come to this. I never thought we could be torn apart. And seeing her facebook posts just make it so much harder because she seems to be perfectly fine and happy. I don't know if there's someone else she wants but seeing her interact with all of these guys is torture. And it just makes it worse for me to know that I caused all of this. I caused the break, and because I couldn't give her enough space I caused the breakup. It's all my fault. I just want to know if there's still hope. We have a dog together, we co-own a car. 4 months ago she would have been on suicide watch if I broke up with her. That's how attatched to me she was. I've decided to go no-contact ever since the call. But I don't know what else to do. I can't let her go and a part of me feels like there's no way this could be over. I know it was long, but I needed to get it off my chest. Any advice would be truly appreciated.
Exit Posted July 5, 2011 Posted July 5, 2011 All you can do is leave her alone. If what you wrote above is the entire situation to date, then no, it doesn't sound like you're completely done. But showing her more jealousy and being clingy is the last thing you need to do right now. Try to be okay with the time and space apart, I know it's not easy. If you hate the thought of her finding someone else, don't be the one to push her to do it. If you keep bugging her and acting like you can't live without her, it's gonna turn her off, and she's gonna find some happy confident guy who makes her stress go away. To me it sounds like there is a decent chance for you to still save this one, if you just chill out and leave her alone. And then whenever you guys talk next you can say "look I've been leaving you alone and figuring myself out, the old me would have bugged you every day but I've been strong enough not to". And you need to figure out where your insecurity comes from. She talks about marrying you yet you get freaked out by her interacting with other guys. I was in the same boat you are. I met my ex last year, we talked and I told her I was a pretty isolated person, she said she was too, and for the first 7 months we hung out all the time and I never had to be jealous of anyone else seeing her. Then when she was able to afford internet and a cellphone again, she got more social, and she told me she was starting to resent me because she wanted to start seeing friends again and she didn't know how to approach me about it. So I've been there before, frankly most relationships have that period in the beginning where suddenly neither of you care to see your friends anymore, you just want to see each other all the time. But eventually that goes away and you need to be okay with that.
AlisaMarie Posted July 5, 2011 Posted July 5, 2011 At first, it didn't bother me so much but then my jealousy and paranoia started to explode and it was obvious. I couldn't handle the fact she had all of these new male friends and that I lost some of my time with her. I made mistakes and one huge one by accusing her of cheating on me. It hurt her so she thought it was best we took a break so I can take a step back and realize what I had been doing. First of all, you are blaming yourself for things that went wrong. You have to stop that to be able to move on. You said you apologized, so stop blaming yourself. She called me the next day and basically said "I don't want to break up with you but you're stressing me out and I have too much going on with school and trying to work enough to pay my bills" (which is all true). She said I don't want to break up with you... BUT... anytime a sentence ends with a but... it's a lie. I have heard "I love you ...BUT..." so many times. And seeing her facebook posts just make it so much harder because she seems to be perfectly fine and happy. Anyone can smile for the camera. My boyfriend left me 3 weeks ago, but when my friends take pictures for their Facebooks (not mine, I stay off which I advice you to as well) I wipe my tears and smile! I just want to know if there's still hope. We have a dog together, we co-own a car. 4 months ago she would have been on suicide watch if I broke up with her. That's how attatched to me she was. There is ALWAYS hope, but your job now is to go NC and work on you and only you. Try not to take the blame for the demise of your relationship, but work on the things that you knew you did wrong with your next partner. It hurts, and everyone on here can relate to how you feel. Remember NC is not to bring her back, it's to get over it... and if she comes back to you without saying BUT after... then talk to her.
Author The Poster Posted July 5, 2011 Author Posted July 5, 2011 Yeah, that's exactly what I'm trying to do. I'm leaving her alone and letting her be. It's extremely difficult but I'm doing it. That's really all I can do for now. I know she always wanted a social life, but I just wasn't used to it. I'm working on my insecurities as well. Working on staying calm.
Author The Poster Posted July 5, 2011 Author Posted July 5, 2011 I'm also always wondering how much she's thinking of me. How much I still mean to her. That's always on my mind.
AlisaMarie Posted July 5, 2011 Posted July 5, 2011 I'm also always wondering how much she's thinking of me. How much I still mean to her. That's always on my mind. You know what my problem is now? I am thinking of him less and less and I am actually worried that he is doing the same! Duh! He's thought of me less and less before the breakup or it wouldn't have happened. Ahhh... so frustrating.
Author The Poster Posted July 6, 2011 Author Posted July 6, 2011 UPDATE: One thing I forgot to mention was that my brother was supposed to move in to her apartment with her and a couple other people. When she broke up with me I mentioned what would happen with that and she said "He could move in if he wants." But it came out in a 'probably not a good idea' tone. My brother texted me today saying he sent her a facebook message and she didn't respond. So I was a little bummed. But then she texted me an hour later asking me to have my brother text me, so I told her that he wants to know if he can still move in and she said "Absolutely. Ask him when he wants to come look at it." Now, I don't want to look too much into things but isn't that kind of a good sign?
Author The Poster Posted July 9, 2011 Author Posted July 9, 2011 NC seems to be getting tougher but I'm not giving in. There's still so much I want to talk to her about, but I know my best option is to keep giving her the space and time she needs.
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