Clubman35 Posted July 5, 2011 Posted July 5, 2011 Alright guys, let me have it. I trust most of you know my situation by now, but here's the latest. So, I found out that my wife told me another lie, a small one, but a lie none the less. I confronted her about it, via telephone, and she seemed shocked that I knew. I told her that I'd had it, I'm tired of her lies, and that I was going to file for divorce TODAY !!! She cried and begged me to not do it.... I told her that the only way I would not file would be if she moved back home & continued to agree to go to MC with me. Period. If you can't play by these rules, then I'm done. I truly mean it, I'm tired of the games. Well, she agreed to return. She'll be home tomorrow morning. Now what do I do? I'm not even sure how to act around her now. Do I tell her that I'm happy she's home? Do I play tough? Do I treat her as if she never left? Am I allowed to kiss her? I kinda feel like the only reason she'll be back is because I threatened her. But if she didn't want to save her marriage, she would have agreed to return, right? I'm so confused. What do I do? Please help....
Yasuandio Posted July 5, 2011 Posted July 5, 2011 Don't count on her being home until she's home. And if her body is in the house due to the ultimatum, don't consider her home either. Just because she comes home, physically, or more so, doesn't mean she is gonna stay put. If she agrees to your demands to go MC, that doesn't mean her heart is in it. I think you could have said the same thing without the ultimatums and toughness. You just intimidated her momentarily. Best bird come to you willingly. Also, don't make threats you won't back up. If there's a next time, just do it.
coolheadal Posted July 6, 2011 Posted July 6, 2011 Bad mess you got there. Forcing her to come back not going to make things right. I had did that myself she did come back but didn't want to stay too long. Like I had her on bait hook. But I had to let her go. I told her to get out of the house and pushed her out. Your not wanted here. Doing so and don't see her coming home again until I go..
Author Clubman35 Posted July 6, 2011 Author Posted July 6, 2011 I didn't force her to do anything. I gave her 2 options. She's a big girl, she can decide for herself. I'm not playing f*cking games with her anymore. If she wants to be with me and work on her marriage, here I am. If she doesn't, there's the door.
2010_Sorry Posted July 6, 2011 Posted July 6, 2011 Yes, everyone is right. As much as you want to tell her to come home and act right, you cannot "force" her to do it. She HAS to do it on her own free will to know that she is serious. I would go right back to being firm. Tell her it's over, you're filing for divorce period. BTW- I was a cheating wife. Never did it before, but had a terrible time letting the OM go. I hurt my exhusband terribly and truly feel I learned SO MUCH about myself by him playing hard ball with me through it all. I respect him for the way he handled it. Good luck and I'm so sorry that you're going through this.
Mz. Pixie Posted July 6, 2011 Posted July 6, 2011 First-calm down. I told you that before. Second-have you been to the marriagebuilders website? If not I urge you to go there tonight and register and start reading. You can read about the general concepts and then post in general questions. There will be people along to help you. I think you were totally within your rights to tell her to either come home or divorce. You cannot work on a marriage in separate places. That being said you are still going to need to work on the marriage. Just because she is home it doesn't mean that she will. She can still play single and live under the same roof with her. Do not let her. Listen very carefully to what I am saying here. You are very angry. It is common for wives to come back and then try to rope their husbands into a domestic violence situation. Not that you would strike her but she could play it up like you did. Especially if you have sent her angry texts or voicemails or emails. Be very careful. Very careful. Or you could end up out of your house while she is living there. Do not leave your home-but be very careful not to get roped into anything by your anger. Slow down and breathe. Go to marriagebuilders where they are experts on saving marriages. There are people there who will help you. Particularly look for Melodylane. She has been there for a long time and I am sure she still posts there (I have not been there in a bit but I bet she is still there). I would be loving but firm. I love you and want to work on our marriage but under no circumstances will I tolerate you acting like a single person or a third person in our relationship. Let's build the marriage of both of our dreams. Things like that. Do not beg, do not plead. Do not throw out how it's all her fault though- even if it is. Right now you want to present reconcilation as something for both of you-which it is. She just doesn't know it yet. Remember. Slow down. Way less anger. Breathe. It is okay to process what she says and not argue and say "I will have to get back with you on that" Example- "You are ruining my life by making me come back home right now" ie-by spoiling my fun and making me act married! "Yes, sweetie-I can see that you feel that way-but I am doing what I feel is best for our marriage. Let's watch a movie" On marriagebuilders they have lots of tools for dealing with someone who is actively in the fog like your wife. And she is. Keep posting and let me know if she comes home.
scaredandalone1223 Posted July 6, 2011 Posted July 6, 2011 I gave a similar ultimatum after a month of separation and my marriage is now better than ever. One thing I would like to point out however, ultimatums made out of anger usually do not have a happy outcome. Also, once she returns do not try to force anything. GO SLOW! Do not pick fights on a daily basis and if she does walk away. Sit down, talk, listen, but do not argue or push
Surfer203 Posted July 6, 2011 Posted July 6, 2011 Everyone is right here, be firm and assertive. SET BOUNDRIES AND RULES. I did not do this when my wife came back and it is biting me in the ass now. Do not take any s*** but still be loving. It is a balance you need to find. Be careful, don't get your hopes up too much in order to avoid being let down. Good luck and keep posting!
Author Clubman35 Posted July 6, 2011 Author Posted July 6, 2011 Thanks for the replies. Well, here we go again. Now she's backing out of what she said. She says she can't come home until some things get resolved through MC. The MC was to take place through a local University that offers free couples counseling. I called the University a few minutes ago (after waiting another week like they asked me to), and was informed that they would be going on break until September. Now what the f*ck can I do? I'm so pissed off right now it's not even funny. I'm not waiting until September or later for her to return home. That's crap. I'm really leaning towards a divorce. I'm so tired of her games.
Owl Posted July 6, 2011 Posted July 6, 2011 Thanks for the replies. Well, here we go again. Now she's backing out of what she said. She says she can't come home until some things get resolved through MC. The MC was to take place through a local University that offers free couples counseling. I called the University a few minutes ago (after waiting another week like they asked me to), and was informed that they would be going on break until September. Now what the f*ck can I do? I'm so pissed off right now it's not even funny. I'm not waiting until September or later for her to return home. That's crap. I'm really leaning towards a divorce. I'm so tired of her games. Start the process of filing for divorce. You set your boundary, you laid out the consequences, she intentionally and deliberately BS'ed you and violated your boundary. She clearly doesn't care...time to move on. Seriously...
broken_hearted Posted July 6, 2011 Posted July 6, 2011 Yes, everyone is right. As much as you want to tell her to come home and act right, you cannot "force" her to do it. She HAS to do it on her own free will to know that she is serious. I would go right back to being firm. Tell her it's over, you're filing for divorce period. BTW- I was a cheating wife. Never did it before, but had a terrible time letting the OM go. I hurt my exhusband terribly and truly feel I learned SO MUCH about myself by him playing hard ball with me through it all. I respect him for the way he handled it. Good luck and I'm so sorry that you're going through this. Are you still with your husband?
Lucky_One Posted July 6, 2011 Posted July 6, 2011 Thanks for the replies. Well, here we go again. Now she's backing out of what she said. She says she can't come home until some things get resolved through MC. The MC was to take place through a local University that offers free couples counseling. I called the University a few minutes ago (after waiting another week like they asked me to), and was informed that they would be going on break until September. Now what the f*ck can I do? I'm so pissed off right now it's not even funny. I'm not waiting until September or later for her to return home. That's crap. I'm really leaning towards a divorce. I'm so tired of her games. Owl is right. You drew a line in the sand. She stepped over it. Now it is time for the consequences. Time to file.
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