nini Posted July 5, 2011 Posted July 5, 2011 I know this should probably be in second chances, but posting here coz its such a yo-yo relationship and I've made previous posts here: Ok so today, I was feeling up and down, and he came over to my temporary apartment where am staying till the end of this month until I have the time to find something better... Greeted him calmly, everything was ok, we went for a walk, I think he could see how sad I was, and by the time we got back, I had again broken down, crying, begging, pleading, take me back, lets not mess this up, we used to be perfect, if you can only give it one chance etc. etc. Told him how I was struggling and cant focus and might fail exams. And then cried and begged some more (pathetic,pathetic, pathetic behaviour on my part, its like all my self-respect and dignity is out of the window). Then he unhappily said 'Ok, we can try again' and then he was like 'ok come move in with me until you find a permanent place' so now am in his house again! But am sooo confused...I know its not what he wants at all and I basically cornered him and guilt-tripped him into giving me a second chance , but I guess to me, I feel like if I could just show him the old me, the girl he fell in love with, the girl he loved to bits, maybe there's a chance for us? Now obivously, I am a lot more invested in making this work atm, and I really really really need to act right if this relationship has any chance of even getting anywhere it used to be. A bit of what he felt: He used to love me to bits, however, communication was always a problem, we had major major major fights (mainly instigated by me because he wouldnt understand my feelings), sometimes they would last days...there were times when I wanted to give up coz of the fights...but he never let me, he'd convince me that our love was so strong... The stage he is at right now is: majorly stressed out coz of work and thesis, all the fights dont help coz he can't do any work when we fight, and then he gets really mad at me...so basically his point right now is 'you've fought me too much and you've broken my heart, and the innocent love that I had for you is gone, my heart is broken, I'm a changed man, I dont wanna be with anyone, I cant see myself being with anyone for a long time, I just wanna be me'. Also, his parents have told him that this relationship (based on all the crazy fights) will never ever work and its best to get out before we're married. But he does still care about me a fair amount. Now, if he has given me and this relationship a second chance, I have to act right and I have to be tough (I know I am really really insecure and emotional, and I extrapolate tiny things in my head and make mountains out of molehills). If I can't make it right, then fair enough...but I have to try... Main aims are: - Not to cause him any more stress - To try and show him the old me, the girl he madly loved - To create a happy/playful/funloving chemistry between us, just like what we had before Right now, there is a fair bit on tension in the air, but I am soooo confident that if I can just get along with him for a couple of weeks without causing drama/fights etc. then things will have a small chance. I want to suggest therapy but right now is too soon, he doesnt have any spare time at all and I dont want to put him under pressure...he is already struggling a fair bit with work. LSers, please support me, please advice me and if you have any tips at all on how to mend such a broken relationship...I am willing to give it 100% and more.
Mack05 Posted July 5, 2011 Posted July 5, 2011 Nini, You are not going to like what I am going to say. I'm not even sure where to start. I think you have made him feel guilty. He knows you have nowhere longterm to stay, he knows you have exams coming up and he knows you are really upset/hurt/confused heading into these exams. He probably only feels sorry for you and wants to help you out. Is that the way you really want to restart things again? To make this guy happy, you are going to spend the next few weeks walking on eggshells. The chances of success going forward are so slim Nini (you are kidding yourself right now). When the exams are over the probabilty is very high that you are are going to be even more crushed then you are now. I see two things happening here. 1) Things end again straight after your exams.. 2) You try for awhile, but trust me a relationship can't survive if you are not being yourself and when you are walking on eggshells. This is a love based on need and a love based on need has no chance longterm. These fights that you are having that are so self destructive to the relationship...Can you imagine what you two would be like when life's real problems come along?. Real problems aren't when a thesis or a job are not going that well. Let me give you an example of real life problems. Sadly a year ago a couple close to me lost their child straight away after giving birth. The sight of them with a little coffin, burying their new born child is something I will never forget. Only the strongest of couples can survive life's true tests (they did and my friend gave birth to a baby boy recently) and I don't think you and this guy have a snowballs chance in hell of surviving such adversity.. When you meet your true love, WHEN. Your views on life will be the same. The things to make a relationship work will just click without even trying. Love, Respect, Loyalty, Honesty, Empathy, Compassion, Sincerity, Trust, Understanding, Compatabilty. It will all come naturally. You will not have to spend all your time convincing him to fall back in love with you. You will thoroughly enjoy the good times and support each other through the tough times. Can you honestly say you have that kind of relationship... Nini if you want my advice, I would agree just to be friends until your exams are over. Even better if you can get other accomodation I would go for that, but I too was a student and I know how hard that is. I'm sorry of I sound harsh, you seem like a really sweet girl. I see you heading for a big fall. I suppose I should stop trying to be your big brother.. Let me know how things go. I will send you a PM..
Author nini Posted July 5, 2011 Author Posted July 5, 2011 Thank you Mack05, so much of what you say is right..I know I guilt-tripped him, I just wanted one chance, its sooo sooo hard...knowing that all I've been through for him, for us, for it to come to such an end...it feels like a tragedy... You are right...so right about everything...why am I soooo weak Ok, I'm going to stick it out now that I'm in the house (and I have been able to study better with him around so I guess that's a big big benefit), I dont wanna create any more 'drama' as he calls it, just have to be 'normal' and not let the thoughts in my head takeover everything... I will re-assess the whole situation once the exams are over...lets see how the next 2 weeks go...I will update here everyday and be as objective so I can receive the best advice from you guys.. Btw Mack, your post made me cry...it's been such a while since I've heard nice words like that...sometimes I wish I could just run back home to my family, but I'd have to pay back over £15,000 to my employers for college if I decided to do that...so no choice but to stick it out here in Cambridge till January 2013 At the moment, he's withholding affection majorly, I dont blame him, as you said, this is not what he wants and he is well within his rights to (for all I know, he's probably waiting it out for my exams to get over and to send me packing). So I'm being a little affectionate everytime I walk into the living room (where he is working on his thesis while I'm studying in the kitchen coz need a table to work on lol)...just have to take in a day at a time, an hour at a time...I need to keep my sanity and no more drama until exams are over...
Author nini Posted July 5, 2011 Author Posted July 5, 2011 When you meet your true love, WHEN. Your views on life will be the same. The things to make a relationship work will just click without even trying. Love, Respect, Loyalty, Honesty, Empathy, Compassion, Sincerity, Trust, Understanding, Compatabilty. It will all come naturally. You will not have to spend all your time convincing him to fall back in love with you. You will thoroughly enjoy the good times and support each other through the tough times. Can you honestly say you have that kind of relationship... You are so right Mack, all those things are non-existent in this relationship...I guess respect went flying out of the window when we fought so badly and he was very verbally abusive towards me. Empathy, compassion, trust...we have spent so much time hurting each other that the other person can't look at anything besides their own feelings/pain... I dont know...am I holding on to this relationship out of fear? Fear that I wont find anyone who was as kind and loving as he used to be? Who would adore me like he used to? He used to be sooo nice to me, I have a mild case of keratosis pilaris and whenever i went on about how ugly my arms and legs were, he would kiss me and say 'you're beautiful, no one can even see it'...will I find another guy who will accept me so unconditionally like he did? With all my flaws? Will I ever be able to love anyone else? Be attracted to anyone like I am to him? Think the world of someone else? Tiny things that he did for me that I didnt appreciate much at that time seem so major now...I cant see another guy ever treating me so well I dont think I deserve to be treated so well
Mack05 Posted July 5, 2011 Posted July 5, 2011 (edited) Nini, Any person who hasn't felt the fear you are talking above about is lying. I had the same problems at the end of my last relationship. The difference is I am a good bit older then you are (36). I was cosumed with fear. "What if I don't meet someone as beautiful as my ex", "What if I don't feel that special connection" that I felt with her just after we first became a couple. I was single for 2 years before her, "What if that was my last chance" There are a million other 'what if's' but you get my drift.. When the relationship ended I was in a horrible place Nini. Full of self doubt, self pity. I had no self belief, no self confidence and no self esteem. I didn't sleep for 6 weeks and acted completely out of character. A million emotions being felt and a million questions going through my head. Even though are situations are different, believe me I know what you are going through.. I want to post a quote a famous boxer used 25 years ago. ""The Rationale behind hard training is to feed the belief and starve the doubt"..Now he was talking about physical training, but the above quote can be used on everyday life. I cannot over emphasize just important rebuilding your self esteem is. By rebuilding your self esteem, your feeding your inner belief and starving the fear, starving the doubt. To rebuild your self esteem you need to work on yourself..this can take time but it's necessary if we are going to find the relationship I described above. When we are lacking self esteem our relationship trends, tend to follow how we are feeling within ourselves. For example if we suffer from insecurities, the relationship will suffer from these types of problems (sometimes without us even noticing). From now on, I refuse to even consider entering into a relationship until I feel 100% within myself. It's not up to someone else to make me happy. It's up to me to make me happy. Once I am happy and secure the chances of me being a good partner going forward increases dramatically. There are different ways you can rebuild self esteem. 1) Emotionally (getting to truly know yourself, forgiving yourself for past mistakes etc etc), 2) Physically (working out) 3) Spiritually (whatever your faith). I also notice community work, helping people out is great for self esteem. Being a better friend and family member (i.e. making even more of an effort with loved one's) is another great way of building self esteem. Passing your exams. There are loads of ways to make yourself, truly love yourself again. This stuff you posted -> "I dont think I deserve to be treated so well" is nonsense. I've never met you and I can tell you have a heart of gold. Any man would be lucky to have you. Right now get through these exams. Put your focus on that. Afterall this is your future. You are still so young. You have the world as your oyster. Having a qualification opens up so many doors and opportunities. Try until the exams are over (as hard as it is) to just be a friend to your ex. In the meantime keep posting here, just don't lose out on too much study :-) Edited July 5, 2011 by Mack05
Wesker Posted July 5, 2011 Posted July 5, 2011 Tiny things that he did for me that I didnt appreciate much at that time seem so major now...I cant see another guy ever treating me so well I dont think I deserve to be treated so well Funny how you mention him doing all the little things. I was that guy to my ex of almost 8 years before she dumped me a month ago. I too wonder how she can possibly think any other guy will come close to doing the things I did for her. Hell, I even made her a surprise Easter basket this past April because she told how she misses all those chocolate sweets and stuff. What sucks is that now I feel all spent, that whoever I would meet next, I'll always be reminded of doing the same nice, and sweet things for my ex, and not have as much meaning.
geegirl Posted July 6, 2011 Posted July 6, 2011 (edited) You really need some counseling/therapy, something. You went from wanting to ruin his life to moving into his house. You're all over the place. When you didn't get your way, you wanted to ruin him. When you now get your way back into his life, you now want/hope to work it out. Granted you didn't go through with it, but the fact that you had strong thoughts of wanting to inflict damage, says a lot. You really need to try and control your emotions and refrain from being so reactive. Edited July 6, 2011 by geegirl
TaraMaiden Posted July 6, 2011 Posted July 6, 2011 Quit moaning nini. Stop complaining you keep messing up, and stop messing up. Your intial thoughts were on revenge and how to seriously ruin his life. Unfortunately, all you're doing is seriously ruining yours. How cack-handed is that? you really think so little of yourself that licking breadcrumbs off the sidewalk is all you're up for? Jeesh, you really do need a relationship - but with an analyst. You're in no frame of mind to make your own decisions, and you need some serious guidance on how to put one foot in front of the other. in the opposite direction..... Quit "poor me I'm such a failure"-ing, and do something positive. Otherwise, you know, folks will just lose interest in you, and you'll have to sink it or swim it on your own. And right now - you seriously need a life-jacket.
Sugarkane Posted July 6, 2011 Posted July 6, 2011 Nini you have to ask yourself is this guy even worth it? Especially as you had to beg and plead just for this guy to consider you. I think you should've taken time for yourself, after a breakup you aren't thinking very clearly and all you're thinking about is that you want to get back together, no matter what. I think you shoudl be focusing on yourself and not the ex.
Mack05 Posted July 6, 2011 Posted July 6, 2011 (edited) Nini, I have a lot of respect for the posters above, but I think they are being a little harsh on you here. I can see why you had gotten so angry. You have been left alone in a town (where u moved to be with your ex) where you don't really know anyone. You are left high and dry with nowhere left to stay. I can see why you would have had angry feelings towards your ex and why you vented. I would never say counselling is not a good idea, but being a student it's an expensive process when you don't have much money. Is there anyone on campus you could talk to? There is normally some sort of counsellor on college grounds and I would expect so in Cambridge. When we are hurt, we all have a dark side. Some of course more then others (->http://www.dragosroua.com/accepting-your-darkside/). There are people when they are hurt are determined to inflict revenge. These are vindictive people. I do not believe you are a vindictive person Nini, despite your vent. It's those people that have been hurt, that choose to forgive and not seek retribution are the people with real genuine hearts. These people tend to have healthy relationships as well as physical health and have an attitude which opens the heart to kindness, beauty, and love.. Ok I'm slightly going off track here. The posters above have a point, in that you are all over the place Nini. There is no doubt about that. From an outsiders prespective this relationship has virtually no chance of succeeding. It's the opposite of what a healthy relationship should be and time will show you this. Despite what we are saying to you, I have no doubt you still think the relationship can be salvaged. Realistically it can't be salavaged. It's over, but it seems you are not willing to accept that. You are consumed with fear and self doubt. Right now though your exams are the only thing that matters. Get the study done you need to do. It takes great courage to study and pass exams, when we are going through a personal crisis. I know a friend of mine who lost his mother, in a car crash driving home from his birthday (two weeks before his final college exams) and somehow still passed. Try view passing your exams as the first step as building your self esteem. When the exams are over then hopefully you can go back to your family and get some space from your ex. This is not only important but it's necessary..You need time and distance to reflect on the past few months. Also as I said above, you badly need to rebuild your self esteem. If you don't rebuild your self esteem, you will continue to have toxic relationships like the one you have been involved in. You will stay in the vicious circle. First 3-6 months great, then fighting over silly stuff until the relationship breaks down. Worse still, by having this opinion of yourself, you will not be living life. Right now you are involved in self destructive behaviour, Begging/pleading with an ex to take you back. Constantly putting yourself down. I don't want to sound harsh but that is not what someone looks for in a partner. I know Nini because I was like you. Hanging onto to false hope, trying everything (pleading, manipulating, begging) to save a dead relationship. You know what I think now that I am rebuilding my self esteem? I have no idea why my ex stayed with me as long as she did, because I didn't like me so why on earth should she!? My point is Nini as long as you have this opinion of yourself it's impossible for you to be in a happy, healthy, nourishing long term relationship.. Edited July 6, 2011 by Mack05
Author nini Posted July 6, 2011 Author Posted July 6, 2011 Thank you everyone. I'm just so tired, and so numb - feels like my brain, body, heart, soul...everything is frozen!! I took a train to Sheffield this morning coz I couldnt cope in that house, we had another big fight last night. I've phoned the exam manager and postponed my exams till November. Work has also suggested taking a leave if I need. I need time out, I keep going/banging/breaking and inflicting more pain on myself. I'm just going to spend the next 3-4 days with a couple of friends in Sheffield, and let myself be. I need to. I have spoken to my sisters in Toronto and we're discussing best way of me being with family for a couple of weeks. Either they come here or I visit them. Thank you LSers, some of your words stung, but I know all are true. I've hit rock bottom, its going to take a while to get up. Mack, thank you so much for everything.
Author nini Posted July 6, 2011 Author Posted July 6, 2011 Mack, you're right, this relationship is way over...there's no going back at all..too much has changed, too much has been said and done, too much was never right in the first place (I'll probably post more about this later). Please Mack, keep me in your prayers and good thoughts.
Mack05 Posted July 6, 2011 Posted July 6, 2011 Nini I really feel for you. Send me a Private message anytime you want to talk. Take care pet
Author nini Posted July 7, 2011 Author Posted July 7, 2011 Mack I sent you a couple of PMs but dont know if you received them coz they dont show up on my sent items. Feeling a bit up and down, but going to the cinema with a couple of friends tonight to take my mind off things. Keep looking at the phone waiting for his text/call tho...not good!
Mack05 Posted July 7, 2011 Posted July 7, 2011 Mack I sent you a couple of PMs but dont know if you received them coz they dont show up on my sent items. Feeling a bit up and down, but going to the cinema with a couple of friends tonight to take my mind off things. Keep looking at the phone waiting for his text/call tho...not good! Nini, I got them. I am just going to head to the gym for a dreaded spin class and then grabbing a bite to eat. I will reply later on..Talk soon
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