Dysfunctional, much?

July 9, 2011

I don't know if I believe in fate, but even so, it seems that there could be less painful ways for it to come about.

July 9, 2011

here is the thing though --the pain is just your reaction to the situation. The piece below is a journal entry from an outstanding book by Mark Nepo called The Book of Awakening. I think it addresses the issue of pain that I have seen over and over again here at LS. And for the record, I am not holier than thou. Last December when I first came here (as a lurker) looking for advice, I was deep in my own pain. But this helped me see that the pain was within my ability to control, I just had to see that it was first.

An aging Hindu master grew tired of his apprentice complaining, and so, one morning, sent him for some salt. When the apprentice returned, the master instructed the unhappy young man to put a handful of salt in a glass of water and then to drink it.

"How does it taste?" the master asked.
"Bitter," spit the apprentice.

The master chuckled and then asked the young man to take the same handful of salt and put it in the lake. The two walked in silence to the nearby lake, and once the apprentice swirled his handful of salt in the water, the old man said, "Now drink from the lake."

As the water dripped down the young man's chin, the master asked, "How does it taste?"
"Fresh," remarked the apprentice.
"Do you taste the salt?" asked the master.
"No," said the young man.

At this, the master sat beside this serious young man who so reminded him of himself and took his hands, offering, "The pain of life is pure salt; no more, no less. The amount of pain in life remains the same, exactly the same. But the amount of bitterness we taste depends on the container we put the pain in. So when you are in pain, the only thing you can do is enlarge your sense of things ...Stop being a glass. Become a lake."

Once I stopped allowing MM to be everything in my life by adding other things to my life that I enjoyed such as visiting art fairs to collect pottery, photography, other friends, etc --I became a lake because by mere proportion, he became diluted and so did the pain associated with him. Am I making sense or do I sound like an idiot? This is new to me, but it feels so much better, so I dont have all the answers, just the answers that are working for me right now.

Edited July 9, 2011 by SBC

July 9, 2011

Wow chalkfarm, GentleGirl, Heart On... I can't believe what you have been through and come out on strong and on top. You are truly inspirational. You give me strength too. Thank you for being here to share your wisdom and for taking the time to do so with me. I hope I will get to your place one day.

Heart On and chalkfarm, I checked out those links today. There is no doubt in my mind that this man has narcissistic personality disorder. And the betrayal bond post was difficult to read, but really resonated. It helps to understand what really happened. Brainwashing, gaslighting... it's all so hard to think about.

Thanks Tenacity but I don't think I'm strong in this situation. I've managed to live through the worst of it but it doesn't make me a strong person. It just means that I've survived. Barely. I no longer have the easy out - my father's morphine pills that he was taking while suffering from cancer - as I took them to aid sleep. But "letting go" crosses my mind regularly. I now live with a crushed spirit, deflated sense of self, and without hope. That is a pointless/hopeless existence.

July 10, 2011

Hi, I am new here. My first post was sincere but I guess it violated rules and was removed. Please know that my question here is sincere.

I am a big believer in that everything in life happens for a reason. And maybe the reason your MM was sent into your life was so you would find the courage to leave your M and start a new direction in life. Is it at all possible that the real reason that your MM was sent into your life was that you were supposed to leave your H--and not for the purpose of ending up with the MM at all, but for the ultimate purpose finding some new direction without either of them?

I was the OW and he would not leave. MM and I met near the end of a 10 year long marriage for me and I was at first convinced that he was my next H. I was angry initially when he would not leave, but now that I have come to see that MM's appearance in my life was not so we would be together forever, but to lead me to that place where the real next stage of my life would begin. Once I realized this, my anger dissolved and I was able to move on with my life easily.

If it was only that simple of a rationalization.

You would have to know the whole entire story to know just

what I endured for having been upfront in my marriage,vs.

what his omissions caused me and the sheer magintude

of my limited choices that sent be back into my marriage,

pregnant and married for another 8 years thanks to my xH's threats

of outting the xMM to his wife.My betrayal bond to him(and his Narcissistm) kept me silent and suffering alone,while he went on at my expense, after leading me onto nowhere and throwing me under the bus.

But I do hear what you are saying.

Had I gotten away from my abusive husband and very unhappy marriage after I outted myself before it became sexual,your theory would fit.

I was simply a pawn for both these men's controlling and manipulative natures.

It "happened" because I walked into a massage office while I was in a very vulnerable state, while I was married to a man who had belittled me for years and my LMT took full advantage of that fact.

And I paid dearly.

If anything,it happened because I was dealing with a man with most of the NPD traits.

http://www.halcyon.com/jmashmun/npd/traits.html

And because I had always had a codependant streak,thanks to my dysfuntional upbrining I was easy prey.

http://loveaddicts.org/kindsofloveaddicts.html

[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif][sIZE=4]Codependent Love Addicts: CLAs are the most widely recognized. They fit a pretty standard profile. Most of them suffer from low self-esteem and have a certain predictable way of thinking, feeling and behaving. This means that from a place of insecurity and low self-esteem, they try desperately to hold on to the people they are addicted to using codependent behavior. This includes enabling, rescuing, caretaking, passive-aggressive controlling, and accepting neglect or abuse. In general, CLAs will do anything to “take care” of their partners in the hope that they will not leave—or that someday they will reciprocate. [/sIZE][/FONT]

Problem being,Narcissists NEVER reciprocate.

And codependants....tolerate WAY more abuse than they should.

So I will say that the REASON this all happened was so I could face my own demons,learn to protect myself from the demon's and learn what healthy love actually is.

But neither my xMM or my XH learned a thing because they refuse to face themselves or take responsibility for the pain they caused me and others in thier lives.

GOOD RIDDANCE to them both.

HELLO NEW ME!

Edited July 10, 2011 by Heart On

July 10, 2011

If it was only that simple of a rationalization.

<snip>

Had I gotten away from my abusive husband and very unhappy marriage after I outted myself before it became sexual,your theory would fit.

<snip>

So I will say that the REASON this all happened was so I could face my own demons,learn to protect myself from the demon's and learn what healthy love actually is.

But neither my xMM or my XH learned a thing because they refuse to face themselves or take responsibility for the pain they caused me and others in thier lives.

GOOD RIDDANCE to them both.

HELLO NEW ME!

I would say then that my theory (which isn't a theory, it is more of a belief system actually) fits perfectly. Whether you think so or not, you ARE in a different and better place. It may not be the place you thought you wanted to be, but here is the thing --if you had gotten what you thought you wanted (I am assuming MM) would you truly be better off than you are now?

To me, in having lost both the MM and H, it seems to me you have dodged not one, but two bullets! That is amazing and you must have a very strong internal compass to have done that. I mean this sincerely

It does not matter how long, or painful the journey was -- you have arrived at the destination. And soon you will be off on another journey and this time you are armed with knowledge you didn't have before. So, unless you choose not to use that knowledge this time around, things are bound to be better.

And it also doesn't matter if MM or XH learned from the experience --that is their journey and life will take care of them in its own time and way. No one escapes facing the consequences for their actions. No one. You may not get the satisfaction of seeing it happen, but no one escapes it.

I am happy for you, I really am. You are strong

Edited July 10, 2011 by SBC

July 10, 2011

I would say then that my theory (which isn't a theory, it is more of a belief system actually) fits perfectly. Whether you think so or not, you ARE in a different and better place. It may not be the place you thought you wanted to be, but here is the thing --if you had gotten what you thought you wanted (I am assuming MM) would you truly be better off than you are now?

To me, in having lost both the MM and H, it seems to me you have dodged not one, but two bullets! That is amazing and you must have a very strong internal compass to have done that. I mean this sincerely

It does not matter how long, or painful the journey was -- you have arrived at the destination. And soon you will be off on another journey and this time you are armed with knowledge you didn't have before. So, unless you choose not to use that knowledge this time around, things are bound to be better.

And it also doesn't matter if MM or XH learned from the experience --that is their journey and life will take care of them in its own time and way. No one escapes facing the consequences for their actions. No one. You may not get the satisfaction of seeing it happen, but no one escapes it.

I am happy for you, I really am. You are strong

Hi Tenacity. Sounds like you are doing well to have arrived at anger so soon. In homeopathy they say treat like with like, so I have found angry music helpful for working through it without resorting to taking it out on inaminate objects, or worse. The beauty of music (or journaling the rage) is that you can live it with half an eye on the futility of it. Which makes it amusing. I like to laugh at myself. It helps. (I have noticed you have the same characteristic in your sunnier moments!)

People told me many times that I had to concentrate on me when xMOM went back to his W. But I never understood, I have to admit. I thought they meant going for a walk or seeing friends would help, and while these were pleasant things to do, they did not shift the pain one iota.

So I quote SBC because while I am not sure of the practicality of her post, I think the type of shift she talks about is similar to the one I have recently gone through. Think about the question 'who are you?' And consider ways in which you can be more yourself than you currently are in feeling a bit stuck.

And I agree with SBC that you are strong, and even if you feel stuck you are actually moving.

I have been through a drawn out and horrible time moving on from my A. It was prolonged because I stayed with H until recently. And because closure was feeble and uncertain from xMOM. And because I let these facts dictate the speed of my recovery.

No-one knows how long it will be, and you are right there is no switch.

But I agree now with hindsight that the answer is about being you. Whatever that means as you grow out of this place.

You will be fine, and you can trust that even if it seems like a fantasy right now.

Edited July 10, 2011 by wheelwright

July 11, 2011

I would say then that my theory (which isn't a theory, it is more of a belief system actually) fits perfectly. Whether you think so or not, you ARE in a different and better place. It may not be the place you thought you wanted to be, but here is the thing --if you had gotten what you thought you wanted (I am assuming MM) would you truly be better off than you are now?

To me, in having lost both the MM and H, it seems to me you have dodged not one, but two bullets! That is amazing and you must have a very strong internal compass to have done that. I mean this sincerely

It does not matter how long, or painful the journey was -- you have arrived at the destination. And soon you will be off on another journey and this time you are armed with knowledge you didn't have before. So, unless you choose not to use that knowledge this time around, things are bound to be better.

And it also doesn't matter if MM or XH learned from the experience --that is their journey and life will take care of them in its own time and way. No one escapes facing the consequences for their actions. No one. You may not get the satisfaction of seeing it happen, but no one escapes it.

I am happy for you, I really am. You are strong

I like your attitude and perspective and appreciate the credit,

but don't think I deserve it as I can't blame them for my unhealthy choices.

And I hope you are right in terms of Karma though as the parts they played,they have yet to own.

I realized getting "even" with either of them would have only hurt MY karma in the end.Not to mention the xMM's family.

But I went thru years of being so ANGRY at them both and they didn't feel any of it and it only hurt me.

I just think had I been healthier mentally,(without so much childhood baggage to re-live in all my adult relationships)I would not have married so young,and stayed with an abusive,alcoholic man.(just like dear 'ole mom)

Nor fallen in love with a MM who acted as though he cared and wanted to help me escape him in the first place.At one point...he was the BEST damn thing that ever happened to me.He turned into the WORST.

I truly screwed up my life with my choices based on thier misuse of my trust,empathy and ability to forgive way more than I should have.

I figure,if I can survive sexual abuse at 8 ,being abandoned by both parents,almost drown by my birth mother when I was 3, raised by an Alcoholic/ Narcissitic Foster Mother,being in an abusive,alcoholic's nightmare of a marriage and having been sexually,financially and emotionally exploited by a Narcissistic Married Professional....

I should be able to bypass things like adult rape and murder happening to me?

I've got my fingers crossed.

Sometimes....my life felt as though I had a target on my head/heart that said...USE ME HURT ME LIE TO ME BUILD ME UP AND BEAT ME DOWN.....

:pAnd WATCH ME STAND BACK UP

and look down on you YOU *********S!

FIGHTER by Christina Aguilera

When I, thought I knew you

Thinking, that you were true

I guess I, I couldn't trust

'Cause your bluff time is up

'Cause I've had enough

You were, there by my side

Always, down for the ride

But your, joy ride just came down in flames

'Cause your greed sold me out of shame, mmhmm

After all of the stealing and cheating

You probably think that I hold resentment for you

But, uh uh, oh no, you're wrong

'Cause if it wasn't for all that you tried to do

I wouldn't know just how capable I am to pull through

So I wanna say thank you

'Cause it makes me that much stronger

Makes me work a little bit harder

It makes me that much wiser

So thanks for making me a fighter

Made me learn a little bit faster

Made my skin a little bit thicker

Makes me that much smarter

So thanks for making me a fighter

Oh, ohh

Never, saw it coming

All of, your backstabbing

Just so, you could cash in

On a good thing before I realized your game

I heard, you're going around

Playing, the victim now

But don't, even begin

Feeling I'm the one to blame

'Cause you dug your own grave, uh huh

After all of the fights and the lies

Yes you wanted to harm me but that won't work anymore

Uh, no more, oh no, it's over

'Cause if it wasn't for all of your torture

I wouldn't know how to be this way now, and never back down

So I wanna say thank you

'Cause it makes me that much stronger

Makes me work a little bit harder

Makes me that much wiser

So thanks for making me a fighter