patagonia Posted July 5, 2011 Posted July 5, 2011 In November of 2010 my wife and I got a divorce. We had been married for 3 yrs and I thought that I didn't love her like I should and perhaps married the wrong person. A few months went by and I didn't date anyone. She didn't date anyone. This past March we were going to get back together again and try to work on things. My end fell through and she was left feeling lost and insecure. In April I told her that I couldn't do the long distance relationship because I didn't want to be controlling so far away. This hurt her even more and thought we were over. I just moved to where she is. Right now she is saying that she is closed off and she isn't ready for a relationship. She just started talking to a man since I moved here which I am suspicious of, since she does enjoy talking to him. Where she is at right now is that she doesn't know if trying things with me is a wise decision. She said this is where her hang up is. She has been burned by the flame too many times. I don't blame her and feel for her. We have completely switched rolls. My question is how do I make her feel confident and feel secure about making a decision about us again? I moved my world to her(which might be too late) to show her how much I cared. She says that if she did things again, she would want them to be better and she has no confidence or security in that actually happening. What can I do to make her feel good about it and secure about trusting me again? Does it just take time? We are going to our first counselor session tomorrow.
Exit Posted July 5, 2011 Posted July 5, 2011 Just give her the time and space that she needs. You know you let her down before, her reaction is pretty natural. If she's willing to go to counseling with you it sounds like she wants to see this get worked out. There is nothing you can really do to convince her, except obviously not running in the other direction again. Let her figure it out for herself, just be yourself, be there for her when she wants, not when you want. All you can do is ask her straight out if there is anything you need to do, anything she needs to see from you, for her to understand that you are serious. I would express that during the counseling, say that you are willing to take steps to show her that she will not be burned again, and see if she comes up with any suggestions, or if she just says there is nothing to do but go with the flow and see what happens. Other than that, leave it alone. She has a heart and a brain and sometimes it comes across as kind of insulting when we try to "save" someone as if we know what is best for them. You don't need to change her mind, she does.
iceweasel6 Posted July 6, 2011 Posted July 6, 2011 We are going to our first counselor session tomorrow. Yup. Carry on. I think you will get all the advice you will need with continued sessions. Best of luck.
Author patagonia Posted July 6, 2011 Author Posted July 6, 2011 Thanks for the replies so far. I am guessing it does just take time but it is hard to keep my head up. I know I have gone through this phase and now it's her turn. Homebrew: as far as the controlling comment, there was an incident in April where she was hanging out with someone I didn't like her hanging out with...2 adults, 12am, didn't call when she said. This was the second time this had happened in a few months but I felt bad for telling her what to do and how to live her life 2500 miles away. Thanks again for the replies.
sd89 Posted July 7, 2011 Posted July 7, 2011 Homebrew: as far as the controlling comment, there was an incident in April where she was hanging out with someone I didn't like her hanging out with...2 adults, 12am, didn't call when she said. This was the second time this had happened in a few months but I felt bad for telling her what to do and how to live her life 2500 miles away. Dude I'm sorry but there is nothing wrong with that and if you have a problem with that, it might have fed to you guys not being together anymore.
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