The "why's" of getting dumped....

[shortee143]

So, I am sure this is something lots of us dumpees are plagued with. Long story short- ex and I broke up 3 months ago, i see him all the time due to mutual friends, and he has now moved on to a new gf..all while I'm still going thru the motions of "moving on".

 

Not only is the blow of rejection taking its time to get over, but the whole not knowing why I was dumped! I got some of the red flags, as in, he became distant a bit, but when I confronted it a few times, he always made it seem as though there was no prob at all. But I just never got a reason for being dumped. All I got was "I dont want a relationship" (he swears at the time this was honest, but then how come 3 months later he's with a new one...ugh lame excuse) It hurts to see him moved on of course, esp when he never told me what was wrong, ever, or even gave it a shot. We didnt fight, had so much fun together, then BAM he becomes distant, and 2 weeks later, done.

 

Does anyone feel me on this? The awfulness of not knowing. I dont need a laundry list of put downs, and sure at the end of the day what matters is plain and simple that they dont want to be with you, but still....I cant stop wondering what was wrong. It hurts that he just quit on me, when we werent fighting, no issues....I just never knew what happened, and he's never given me anything...it's just always in the back of my mind

[GivenUp0083]

I used to be the same way and I often want to know why. I used to feel this a lot when I would online date, go out on 3-5 great dates (from my end) and then have them disappear. No goodbye, no rejection. I used to want to know why and I'd always look at myself. The truth is that you have to feel like you laid it all on the table and have no regrets. He got to see who you are and he walked. There's no shame in that on your part. Stay true to yourself, no regrets.

 

My ex dumped me 2 months ago (wow, seems a lot longer, maybe I'm much more over it) and she gave me reasons why, many of them nothing to do with me, some of them were about things I "didn't do right".....and honestly it doesn't feel any better than not knowing. I'd almost rather NOT know why. It's much much easier if you can just chalk it up to "their problem, not mine". I realize that's easier said than done, but there could be 100 reasons why that have nothing to do with you. You have to just think of him as an idiot for giving up on an amazing woman like yourself and keep perspective that someday you will meet a guy that appreciates you. That's the hardest part, but it's something to focus your mind on.

 

I don't know if I could handle seeing my ex with a new boyfriend. I'd probably just tell my friends that this just isn't going to work for me and that they can invite me to hang out when my ex isn't there. If they are really your friends they'll understand. If they couldn't, then it would be time for me to meet new friends. But props to you if you're strong enough to handle it, because I know 100% I am not. I have my best friends planning a camping trip where one of them is still dating my ex's best friend and I know my ex is invited. I will not be attending that trip if she is going. I won't make my friends choose between us, but they will realize that I have limitations and being in her presence is one of them so if they want to stay friends with me, they won't include her in invitations to our events.

[nikkinicole36]

Your story sounds just like my story and about everyone else's I'm reading lately on LS. I think it really does come down to it's not about you, it's about the other person. Someone that is willing to walk away from a relationship with no communication on how they felt or without giving the person a chance to fix those issues is typically someone that is looking for the "perfect partner". At least this is my experience. When things become real in the relationship and the honeymoon is over for the dumper this is usually their signal to move on to someone else, since you no longer meet their fantasy expectations. I spent a year trying to find out the why's only to realize as everyone else will tell you, it doesn't really matter. A person that willingly walks out of your life is obviously not the right person for you. It hurts like hell. Three months after my breakup my ex fiance was off with someone new. A woman who has two children nonetheless. I couldn't understand it, and still don't know. It just hurt way too much to try to comprehend how someone could love you so much one day and the the next they've distanced themselves and the blow comes and they walk away with no regard to you. In time you grow to consider yourself lucky to not be with someone that would give up so easily on a good relationship. The majority of the time my conclusion is this person typically has some type of commitment issue and if you dig back you'd see this person has a history that they managed to downplay to you in the beginning. Keep your head up. It does get better.

Edited July 5, 2011 by nikkinicole36

[shortee143]

I used to be the same way and I often want to know why. I used to feel this a lot when I would online date, go out on 3-5 great dates (from my end) and then have them disappear. No goodbye, no rejection. I used to want to know why and I'd always look at myself. The truth is that you have to feel like you laid it all on the table and have no regrets. He got to see who you are and he walked. There's no shame in that on your part. Stay true to yourself, no regrets.

 

My ex dumped me 2 months ago (wow, seems a lot longer, maybe I'm much more over it) and she gave me reasons why, many of them nothing to do with me, some of them were about things I "didn't do right".....and honestly it doesn't feel any better than not knowing. I'd almost rather NOT know why. It's much much easier if you can just chalk it up to "their problem, not mine". I realize that's easier said than done, but there could be 100 reasons why that have nothing to do with you. You have to just think of him as an idiot for giving up on an amazing woman like yourself and keep perspective that someday you will meet a guy that appreciates you. That's the hardest part, but it's something to focus your mind on.

 

I don't know if I could handle seeing my ex with a new boyfriend. I'd probably just tell my friends that this just isn't going to work for me and that they can invite me to hang out when my ex isn't there. If they are really your friends they'll understand. If they couldn't, then it would be time for me to meet new friends. But props to you if you're strong enough to handle it, because I know 100% I am not. I have my best friends planning a camping trip where one of them is still dating my ex's best friend and I know my ex is invited. I will not be attending that trip if she is going. I won't make my friends choose between us, but they will realize that I have limitations and being in her presence is one of them so if they want to stay friends with me, they won't include her in invitations to our events.

 

thanks for the kind words, and insight, I just wanted to see if others really got bugged by this-

 

Yea I try to see it that way too- like I want to know, but i dont also want to know all these awful things he doesnt like- it is just hard bc it gets to me, and thus I compare myself to his new girl. I am learning more and more from reading on here, plus hearing things from my friends that know him- that sometimes it is more about them then you. As odd as that seems, I kinda get it.

 

I try to be a tough girl and go see my friends, all whilst dealing with him. It is not easy, but I own up to it that it is the choice I make so that I dont miss out on things, plus my friends are pretty great. As they dont choose sides, but well, he's been on a not so nice path the last few months, so people are seeing his true colors. I know it takes some balls to do this- seeing him with another girl is really hard, but the sooner I face this, and continue trying to move on, the better. Bc in a mutual crew, esp one where he lives with some of my (our) close friends, it makes it so hard to not see each other,we are a really tight knit group as well, so we all get invited and included to so much. It stinks- and I suppose for awhile I'll continue to "wonder why her, and not me". But sometimes I think if I can get thru this rough emotional ride, I'll only get stronger when I come out on the other end of it, but lord it's been a brutal ride!

[shortee143]

Your story sounds just like my story and about everyone else's I'm reading lately on LS. I think it really does come down to it's not about you, it's about the other person. Someone that is willing to walk away from a relationship with no communication on how they felt or without giving the person a chance to fix those issues is typically someone that is looking for the "perfect partner". At least this is my experience. When things become real in the relationship and the honeymoon is over for the dumper this is usually their signal to move on to someone else, since you no longer meet their fantasy expectations. I spent a year trying to find out the why's only to realize as everyone else will tell you, it doesn't really matter. A person that willingly walks out of your life is obviously not the right person for you. It hurts like hell. Three months after my breakup my ex fiance was off with someone new. A woman who has two children nonetheless. I couldn't understand it, and still don't know. It just hurt way too much to try to comprehend how someone could love you so much one day and the the next they've distanced themselves and the blow comes and they walk away with no regard to you. In time you grow to consider yourself lucky to not be with someone that would give up so easily on a good relationship. The majority of the time my conclusion is this person typically has some type of commitment issue and if you dig back you'd see this person has a history that they managed to downplay to you in the beginning. Keep your head up. It does get better.

 

thanks nikki for the response, I was really hoping to get some insight from others who know what it's like to be dumped with very little communication on the dumpers part- you seemed to hit the nail on the head there. It is one thing I am learning- we blame ourselves and why WE arent good enough, but at the end of the day, it is more about THEM. I was who I was, loved him with all my heart- and if he can leave me with nothing...and then just bounce to a new girl...then his issues, whatever they may be, will continue to resurface in his relationships. It is hard- when you just dont understand what happened, def plagues my brain quite often. You are right- it all hurts like hell, I just will continue to keep my chin up as best I can. And it really does get better over time, I was at his house this weekend with his roomates who are our mutual friends, saw him very briefly, all while he spent the whole weekend elsewhere wit his new gf, and I didnt even cry once whoohoo hah. Sorry to hear about you experience with your ex- but you sound pretty level headed about it now, hope you too find the person you deserve who treats you with the proper respect! I always see it as - you came into the relationship with respect, why not leave with it! Ugh, shame on some dumpers..

[wilsonx]

trust me, you got the best end of the deal on less is better...

 

My ex told me 135035968 things but one in particular that I am adding to my resume... if this isnt GIGS then I do not know what is...

 

"You were a good boyfriend, you weren't great" hahahaha I still laugh to this day at this one as she left me for a guy that lives in a trailer and is 14 years older then her... you should see the smile I have right now

Edited July 6, 2011 by wilsonx

[shortee143]

ha wilson, WOW, some people will never cease to amaze me, def sounds like ull be better off!...and yea, sometimes I wonder if the insanity of wondering wtf, is better than the list of reasons why....it just still drives me batty bc I have no idea why...but I'll try to take it as a blessing in disguise

[fanatic31]

I had the exact same thing happen. Was with a girl and it was going great, almost perfect. Hung out alot, met each other's families, and just generally clicked. And then all of a sudden I could feel her subtly pull away, just little things like maybe less day to day contact. I would ask what was wrong, and she would always say its fine.

 

Then we had a great week together doing all types of things and the last day she said she needed to slow down. That turned into her needing space and then now completely ignoring me.

 

I dont think I will truly ever understand what went on. We were planning trips, a future, etc. And she just checked out. At the beginning I always thought, she will come back. Bull****. The right one will move mountains to make it work, not run and hide. I just adopted the position that I dont need someone like that in my life, even if it hurts every single morning when i wake up.

 

So I just did closure on my own. I left her a message that I was deleting everything and was done with it. Better to end it in your own head than have to deal with the horrible feeling of waiting and hoping for something to work out. No one needs that.

[shortee143]

thanks lovelyg- glad to see your a confident woman despite dealing with any BS. Your post made me smile, and remember that it is his loss I am surprised that although I am sadly in quite regular contact with him, that I am moving forward, slower process and I have seen and heard things one doesn't if they are not in contact, but it's happening, but certain things, like not understanding why he left me, still haunt me a bit. I am a confident girl- but a breakup, esp so sudden with no regard, well that takes a toll on anyone I'd think!!

 

fanatic31- sounds like we had very similar situations!! Glad you made your own closure! I feel quite often we do have to make our own closure, it just can be tough. It just amazes me in my,yours, and others on here...our situations on how someone can just poof disappear with no regard for the other person. Afterall, there is another person on the other side of the breakup, how can they just bail like that? Selfish. I would never want someone to be with me that didnt want to, but a little respect goes a long way. I see the ex in social settings often- I know it is a choice that I make to go out, but to not see him, would mean changing my life quite a bit, and I dont really want to do that. It hurts to see him, sure, but it'd kinda hurt too knowing he is having a great time with out friends and I'm sitting home. Tough now is the new girl in his life, that is a new obstacle I'll have to overcome, but I can do it! He does not deserve me at this point. I just cant wait for the hurt to subside a bit more, and all the what if's and why's to die down too. It is hard to not hold onto some form of hope, esp when seeing him, but I know it is nothing to the point where it'll hold me back. I know I will be just fine without him and will meet someone else

 

ugh, is there anything worse in life than these gut wrenching breakups?! (of course I know things can be worse tho!!)

[Mack05]

I posted these before Shortee. It is gut wrenching when your ex leaves you with no real explanation as to why the break up occured or won't answer questions you have for them. I wrote a thread describing these kind of people -> http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t281186/...

 

We just have to find acceptance and closure from within..

 

"You may have many questions, but you need to accept that some will never get answered. Even if you have questions that seem to drive you crazy, you must decide that the answers don't matter, probably won't make sense, probably aren't going to satisfy you and are not going to give you any sense of closure. It is your responsibility to accept that you may have to close this chapter without answers, explanations, and without input from someone else. It is not only possible for you to survive without the answers but it's necessary. Staying in the questions, repeating them and ruminating over the possible answers will only keep you stuck. Despite your fervent belief that somehow one final scene with your ex will lead to closure, it will not. You don't need to know what your ex thinks or why your ex did this or that, to move on. If you want closure, you need to do the grief work, intergrate the experience into your life and turn the page. That is how closure happens...FROM WITHIN.."

[california15]

once I got the

 

"my life is like cake, and you're the icing on my cake. But cake is pretty damn good without icing too"

 

regardless though of whatever we're told at the end, we have to find closure within ourselves because it's not going to come from them.

I just read from another post but I can't find it now, where someone said (i think it was geegirl) that it doesn't matter what they tell us or don't tell us, the outcome is still the same.

[shortee143]

once I got the

 

"my life is like cake, and you're the icing on my cake. But cake is pretty damn good without icing too"

 

regardless though of whatever we're told at the end, we have to find closure within ourselves because it's not going to come from them.

I just read from another post but I can't find it now, where someone said (i think it was geegirl) that it doesn't matter what they tell us or don't tell us, the outcome is still the same.

 

Wow I cant believe that was actually said to you!!! It is true "that it doesn't matter what they tell us or don't tell us, the outcome is still the same". It's like a double edge sword- I want to know, but then I kinda dont bc it'd probably hurt me more. I just wish my ex woulda thought it was worth it to tell me what was wrong, and work on it, however who knows, he might not fully be able to explain it. Just sucks! It just takes the brain (and ego) I suppose time to process it, bc its just gone, like nothing, with no explanation. Very hard to comprehend.

[california15]

lol I know! that was many many years ago and he and I are civil today, but I never forgot it because 1) it hurt so bad 2) it was..... unique i guess

 

but yes I agree absolutely. I think its almost human nature to need a reason. (I was raised in a house where my parents gave a reason for why they wanted something a certain way. I never got the "Because I said so." or "Thats the way it is." responses, so I think I was looking for a reason so badly because I've always gotten one my whole life.)

 

Reasons just make it easier to accept I think. Instead of my dad saying "You'll be home at midnight because I said so." and me resenting that, he'd say "Be home at midnight because bars close then and drunk people drive more after midnight and I don't want you out then" (or whatever he said lol) - to which I was more accepting and thought, 'well I don't like it, but I can see where he is coming from in making that decision and there are reasons behind it, not him deciding that on a whim with no supporting evidence'

 

since this break up is one of the hardest things (if not THE hardest things) I've been through I know if I can move on without a reason, then I'm a stronger person because of it and it proves I don't need them. I dont need their 'reason' because with or without it I could move on. And I didn't let his lack of a reason hold me back.

 

I guess technically I got a 'reason' but its not a reason I'm talking about here.

[shortee143]

mack05, thx, that "cowards" thread was a good read. So true. I too got dumped over the phone, never was 'allowed' to ask questions, or have a real face to face convo. Granted i see the ex often, I still never got the chance, in his mind, he just wanted to pretend it was no big deal. I made it clear it was unacceptable, and to a degree I got a mediocre sorry, but nothing worthwhile or genuine in my eyes. I am civil as best I can be when I see him, I dont want to make a scene or have it awkward for our friends, but sometimes I just want to punch him. He def bounces from relationship to relationship...in the last oh 6 years, I think he has been single about 2 months, and that was 2 months after me! Now he is with a much younger girl, and seems so devoted to her...ugh I swear if he ends up engaged in 6 months I'll puke!

 

caligirl- your posts resonate so well with me, we think alike with things. I know we all have heard "everything happens for a reason", well hellllo, reason please?! It makes it easier to accept and understand, but like i said, I wouldnt want a list of put downs from my ex, I just wish he had a little respect to give me some clarity. To bail, just like that, with nada...it is just not fair. As someone you once cared about, how can you not feel like you owe them something (my ex said he owed me nothing, ugh terrible).

 

I think for any of us who have dealt wit exes like this, it is clear they are selfish and cowards, and dont want to accept responsibility. All i ask if for a little respect. DEF not good partners for any of us to be with. It is just a shame to me, that he quit, with no reason to be shared with. I really thought he was so wonderful, but as one of our mutual friends actually said to me this weekend, "he will move on to the next best thing as fast as he can when it comes to anything, whether girls, or friends"...TRUE indeed. Thanks everyone!

[fanatic31]

Shortee, I agree. It is an odd thing. 2 days before she bailed she was talking with my friends of us all going away together. Then she just decided it was time for her to slow down.

 

I think in my case, she fell for me first, and was driving the relationship car, at 90 mph. Then I jumped in, and joined and eventually started driving. Once she wasnt going at her own pace anymore, I think she wanted to slow down.

 

I guess at this point, if it was all her just being scared, then she would have come after me by now, or at least not ignored me. So I just figured I can do better. But I still have bad days, like today. Especially considering there was no fighting, even arguing, or nastiness. It was the most unique relationship I have ever been in. With an almost instantaneous click.

 

I will always fail to grasp how people can just discard that. These dont come along everyday. But, as the insightful person above said, sometimes you just arent going to get the answers.

[cjo1978]

i too never got to ask questions....i was dumped by text and when i asked to talk was told "At this point i need us to be finished." dont know what i was expected to take from that but i think that was what hurt the most. we went out for a year but had liked each other for years. it went from being fine to zero in about two weeks with her asking for space and promising to talk before making any decisions....then i got the text!!

[GivenUp0083]

In several words, more or less, here are the reasons my ex dumped me after 5 months, encouraging me to say ILY, then saying it many more times than I did, making comments like "I hope you're going to keep me around a while since you've met my entire family" and "I have feelings with you I've never felt before" and then to breaking up with me at Liriano's no-hitter ball game, 3 days after I spent 7 hours helping her move up 4 stories of stairs to a new apt, and 2 days after meeting MY father....

 

- "My best friend has such a great love story and I want that too, I want to be head over heels in love at first sight and I'm almost 27 so I'm losing time to find that". (this is after her friend cheated on her bf on an island with a local, quit her job, sold her condo, and moved to the island to live with him.)

 

- "I've never had a boyfriend be so rude to me before" (she was pulling on my shirt in the 9th inning at the no-hitter, I said "don't touch me right now". She also admitted to me she had a bf who constantly called her a c*nt. I'm such a jerk)

 

- "Your my boyfriend, you're supposed to stay close and walk next to me even if I'm mad at you." (This was after I had apologized twice and she wasn't accepting it so I gave her space when she walked away from me the 3rd time).

 

- "My ex boyfriend treated me like a queen and I didn't give that up so I could settle" (Wow, didn't realize I was a step below that guy, but whatever, if he was so great then why did she give it up? Exactly, cuz she's an idiot)

 

- "I think I came into your life to teach you that you have the ability to love someone" (Right.....)

 

- "I hate that you think I don't care" (Ummm, if you cared about me, you wouldn't be breaking up with me.)

 

- "I've been thinking about this for months, and I was going to wait a couple more months to see if things got better before I ended it" (wow, so she was going to steal even more time from my life, but I was so incredibly rude to her at the ball game that it prompted her to have this talk now....damn).

 

These are all things I wish I didn't know. I don't want to know, they're so stupid that I throw up in my mouth a little each time I think about it. Trust me, you're better off not knowing. You just have to tell yourself it has nothing to do with you, it's his problem, not yours.

[GivenUp0083]

As for asking questions....I had the opportunity to ask them over the phone, and I didn't. I had nothing to say.

 

You need to get in the mindset that I don't want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with me and that is reason enough to turn me off.

 

Does it really matter why? It won't change the fact they don't want to be with you, that's all that should matter. Once you get that mindset established, it makes it a whole lot easier.

[wilsonx]

In several words, more or less, here are the reasons my ex dumped me after 5 months, encouraging me to say ILY, then saying it many more times than I did, making comments like "I hope you're going to keep me around a while since you've met my entire family" and "I have feelings with you I've never felt before" and then to breaking up with me at Liriano's no-hitter ball game, 3 days after I spent 7 hours helping her move up 4 stories of stairs to a new apt, and 2 days after meeting MY father....

 

- "My best friend has such a great love story and I want that too, I want to be head over heels in love at first sight and I'm almost 27 so I'm losing time to find that". (this is after her friend cheated on her bf on an island with a local, quit her job, sold her condo, and moved to the island to live with him.) Shes looking to settle down really fast... good she left

 

- "I've never had a boyfriend be so rude to me before" (she was pulling on my shirt in the 9th inning at the no-hitter, I said "don't touch me right now". She also admitted to me she had a bf who constantly called her a c*nt. I'm such a jerk) if shes pulling on your shirt give her a hug/kiss her on the cheek , let her know she comes a close second be the calm in the storm

 

- "Your my boyfriend, you're supposed to stay close and walk next to me even if I'm mad at you." (This was after I had apologized twice and she wasn't accepting it so I gave her space when she walked away from me the 3rd time). never apologize for doing what you think is right but at the same time shes right, if shes mad or angry, give her a hug, grab her hand and walk next to her and listen to her vent and just remain calm even if its about you.

 

- "My ex boyfriend treated me like a queen and I didn't give that up so I could settle" (Wow, didn't realize I was a step below that guy, but whatever, if he was so great then why did she give it up? Exactly, cuz she's an idiot) shes comparing you to her ex, terrible thing for her to do... every person is different

 

- "I think I came into your life to teach you that you have the ability to love someone" (Right.....) egocentic much?

 

- "I hate that you think I don't care" (Ummm, if you cared about me, you wouldn't be breaking up with me.) she cares as a friend

 

- "I've been thinking about this for months, and I was going to wait a couple more months to see if things got better before I ended it" (wow, so she was going to steal even more time from my life, but I was so incredibly rude to her at the ball game that it prompted her to have this talk now....damn). its fine you learned from it... just keep moving forward

 

These are all things I wish I didn't know. I don't want to know, they're so stupid that I throw up in my mouth a little each time I think about it. Trust me, you're better off not knowing. You just have to tell yourself it has nothing to do with you, it's his problem, not yours.

 

actually if you really listen to the reasons shes breaking up with you, you can learn from them. shes telling you what was wrong in the relationship.

 

you know my ex gave me a list of reasons why she ended it with me and i understood them but my biggest problem was i did not end this a year earlier. that's the only fault i take in our previous relationship. i allowed her to cheat on me and get away with it

Edited July 6, 2011 by wilsonx

[GivenUp0083]

actually if you really listen to the reasons shes breaking up with you, you can learn from them. shes telling you what was wrong in the relationship.

 

you know my ex gave me a list of reasons why she ended it with me and i understood them but my biggest problem was i did not end this a year earlier. that's the only fault i take in our previous relationship. i allowed her to cheat on me and get away with it

 

 

When I told her to "don't touch me right now" about 2 seconds later I saw the look on her face and I sat down next to her, took her hand, and I told her I was sorry, that I was just stressed out because of the moment and I didn't mean to snap at her (eventhough I didn't feel like I snapped). That wasn't good enough, she didn't accept that. She didn't accept it again when we were walking up the steps as she just walked away, and then down the ramp out of the stadium she still refused to accept my apology.

 

I'm not perfect, no one is, I acknowledged my small mistake when it happened and apologized, but that wasn't good enough. It wasn't good enough because she had already decided she was going to break up with me. It was just easier to do it if we were fighting about something, big or little, rather than do it before I helped her move or met my dad while things seemed to be going well.

 

It was all in her attempt to relieve herself of guilt because in her heart she knew that leading me on and using me was wrong. She attempted many times later to contact me and remain friends, constantly apologizing for breaking up yet reiterating that she "had to do it". That's fine, but she used me, she embarrassed me, and she took a once in a lifetime moment away from me. I wouldn't want to be friends with anyone who did that to me. Would you?

 

I have NO REGRETS about anything I ever did.