Mister Mike Posted July 5, 2011 Posted July 5, 2011 Story of a Late Bloomer This is going to be long, and I'd like to thank whoever reads this in advance for sticking with it. Here I am, 3 months out from my first breakup and I'm still really struggling. I've been reading the forums here to cope, but thought it might help to put my story out there and get some feedback. To give some background, I'm 28 years old, and I had my first date with my ex a year ago to the day (fireworks on the 4th of July). She was my first girlfriend, my first kiss, and I lost my virginity to her after about 3 months of dating ( I was painfully slow to escalate the relationship physically). I had almost no dating history prior to her and for some reason she stuck with me through it, and I ended up falling for her hard.* Our relationship started out great. She was introduced to me by my cousin (they work together), and I kept hearing from my cousin that she was really interested in me, and thought some of our first dates were the best she had ever had. I had mixed feelings about our connection and compatibilty, but I wanted to see where things would go. I really needed to get the virginity monkey off my back and this seemed like my best chance. I know...probably a bad motivation in hindsight. As I said previously, about 3 months in we finally had sex. She had obviously caught on to the fact that I was a virgin, and we kind of scheduled a night when it would happen. We ended up going out for a few drinks beforehand because I was pretty nervous, and I thought it would take the edge off. Prior to this we had just been making out. As we were out for drinks, she decided to let me know that she has been engaged 3 times in her past and has broken it off every time. I was a little caught up with the fact that I was about to get some ass in the next couple hours, so for some reason this didn't strike me as a big red flag. I think in hindsight,*anything other than she had previously been a man, and I would have still been game. The sex was fine. I was happy that it finally happened and I wouldn't have to think about it anymore. As our relationship progressed, I began to see cracks, but I really was afraid of breaking up and the pain it would cause. She would get very cold on me at times, even though I was very loving. She mentioned her past relationships a lot, and would subtlety compare me to them. On Valentines' day she even opened up a package she received from an ex on her doorstep in front of me, and seemed happy with what he sent her. I felt like I was walking on eggshells a lot of the time, and was afraid to start an argument. If I did, they would last for 4-5 days and I would eventually have to apologize, even when I really felt I wasn't in the wrong. On the flip side, she would never acknowledge her part, or take any blame. About 3 months ago, things eventually came to a head. I was upset because she turned her phone off for an entire weekend without telling me. I was worried and also hurt because she didn't want to spend time with me. She had previously told me she needed to catch up on work, but then admitted she didn't even go in. About 3-4 days passed with some text messaging back and forth. She was angry at me for not giving her space. I apologized and tried to mend things, but it wasn't getting anywhere. Eventually I said we need to meet face to face, and she said "not anytime soon". I started to panic and just felt this needed to be resolved one way or another, so I drove to her place. When I got there I called her up and said we need to figure things out, and I feel terrible. She said she wouldn't let me in, and wouldn't meet me anywhere either. I cried and was pathetic, but she held her ground. I decided to go to her door and plead for her to let me in. (Yeah I can just see people cringing as they read this). Keep in mind, this was my first breakup, so I was really emotional. She refused to let me in, and told me to go home. I texted, left a couple voicemails, and nothing worked. She eventually called me a "stalker", "violent", and "dangerous" and said she would call the cops on me. I know you're probably thinking, this guy was pounding on the door and making a scene, but that was not the case at all. I was trying my best not to disturb the neighbors, and I felt really pathetic the whole time. So that was it. I left, went home, and she told me to meet me in a couple days at a park to give me my stuff back. We did, and she stuck to her story that I was going to be violent with her and she couldn't be with someone like that. I felt like I had been hit by a bus. I had never laid a finger on her, called her a name, or even raised my voice in the 9 months we were together. I left feeling stunned, went home and talked to my parents for some comfort (she had always been wary of me talking to them for fear they would think negatively of her). 45 minutes later she texts me and says "I don't know what to do, should we break up or take a break?". I didn't respond. It was just happening too quickly, and I needed to compose myself. A week later I sent her an e-mail explaining how I felt. I spent hours composing it. I tried to be fair. I told her how sad I was and how I felt some of the happiest moments of my life were with her, and I wrote her a list of some things I wished she could change. I told her I know I'm inexperienced, but I would be willing to keep learning and making changes too if it would make our relationship stronger.* The next morning I got a response e-mail and it was very cold. (I should have expected as much). She said I was blaming her for everything, and it was obvious we weren't compatible. She said good luck finding someone who will agree to your list.* So that's my story. I hope it was somewhat entertaining at the very least, and I thank you for reading through it. I know I made some mistakes, but I'm proud Of how I was in the relationship. I was very loving, I wanted to keep working on things even when they were tough, and I learned a lot about myself. I was I had set some stronger boundaries from the beginning, and I wish I saw some of the red flags, but I am happy for the experience.* The last few months have been miserable. I have never felt loneliness like this before, and have been suffering through severe depression and anxiety. I have hoped to hear back from my ex and get some further resolution or apology, but I'm finally coming to the realization that this will never happen. All I can do is move on, and try not to make the same mistakes.* Thanks again for taking the time to read this, and I'd love to hear people's impressions.
radiodarcy Posted July 5, 2011 Posted July 5, 2011 hi Mister Mike! welcome to love shack! i have to say, your story sounds a lot like mine. having lost my virginity at the age of 33 i too am a late bloomer (i'm now 35). the guy i lost it to was a friend and co-worker who had been pursuing me off an on for some time. i resisted at first but eventually gave in and wound up falling for him. things kind of fizzled out on his end after about two months and settled into a friends with benefits situation that lasted for two and a half years. i didn't lose my virginity until about 18 months after things had started. and he went out of his way to make it the most unmemorable awkward experience to this day it means virtually nothing to me; because it clearly meant nothing to him. even though it was his idea to do it. even though he and i had sex several times after that first time, i always felt as though he was holding me at arm's length. like i had the plague or something. he never wanted to see me face to face like on a date. the only time we saw each other was to have sex. it was very de-moralizing and extremely depressing. nevertheless i continued to beg him for a relationship but he said that he wasn't ready for one. anyway, long story short he eventually broke off the benefits part saying he just wanted to be friends. but when i went on his facebook and saw that him flirting with all these other girls i flipped out. we got into a big argument and he told me that he decided he was looking for a relationship - - only not with me. he had set up profiles on dating websites in an effort to find "the one". hearing that he was going out to look for someone to give the relationship i want to have with him hurt. A LOT. so i wound up going no contact (NC) for about two and a half months. i broke NC back in february of this year when he contacted me. but after three weeks of listening to him talk about other girls, i knew i couldn't stay friends with him -- told as much and went back to NC. while i've learned a lot from this experience it's made it very difficult for me to trust other people again. i already had a problem trusting people and now - - it's even worse. of course, i've never been anyone's "first". but i guess there is a great deal of pressure involved in being in that position. maybe it's because it can ignite intense feelings on the virgin's side. maybe this is what our exes ran away from. who knows. like you, i wrote emails to my ex begging him to give me a chance. and telling him how much it bothered me when he would talk about his exes and other girls. and like your ex, he would get irritated and upset with me for reminding him of my feelings. he talked a lot about his exes in front of me too. i'm guessing he did it because he missed that jealousy component --not having any guys to compare him to, it wasn't like he could compete or get jealous of any of the guys i had dated. but - - who knows. i could spend the rest of my life speculating but it won't do me any good so why waste my time? i've learned that the more you chase after someone, the harder they run. if they don't want to be in your life anymore you just have to do your best to accept it and move forward. i'm tired of being hurt and rejected. it's good that you recognize you need to move forward. just stick with NC, and allow yourself to feel the pain -- you won't be able to move forward without doing that. but don't let yourself dwell on it either. it's going to take time but you will learn a lot about yourself and hopefully, find someone who appreciates you for you.
Author Mister Mike Posted July 6, 2011 Author Posted July 6, 2011 Hey Darcy, thanks for the reply and I'm sorry about your bad experience. I know you're right about pursuing someone harder making things worse. I wish I could have been more clear headed, but when you're in the middle of things you get so emotional. Right now I just miss the comfort of knowing someone is thinking about me. I know my ex has likely moved on, and is dating again, and it leaves me feeling completely abandoned. This is the same girl that wanted to look for an apartment together, and described what our future kids would look like. I just don't understand how someone can go so cold after saying things like that. In reality all I did was panic when I thought I was losing her. Do I deserve such harsh treatment for that? She knew I was inexperienced in relationships. Why couldn't she at least have tried to let me down easier?
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