latexyankee Posted July 5, 2011 Posted July 5, 2011 Ok, I wanted some opinions on what i may do. I'ts been a month NC. I am on the verge of reaching out to her just ONE time. The BU wasnt messy, and I've been NC since the day after she ended it. I am debating calling her to see if she would meet for coffee. Obviously, I do want her back. the relationship seems fixable to me, although I am fully aware she most likely does not feel the same. Some say stay NC, that i'm only going to delay my healing. I dont want to hold on to any false hope. I was thinking if that I reached out and she denied any contact that maybe I could let go. I could say I at least tried. i'm not quite sure what to do, but I was thinking all weekend about doing it tonight. Any advice?
Chi townD Posted July 5, 2011 Posted July 5, 2011 Well, you know the deal. You said it yourself that this might delay your healing process. But, you probably already know the deal with receiving breadcrumbs and what not. Up to you. But, if you still have feelings for her, then it's probably not a good idea.
Mack05 Posted July 5, 2011 Posted July 5, 2011 (edited) If your ex wants to come back she will come back. Respect the fact she has moved on. If she wants you for something, she will contact you. It's time to accept the relationship is over. Your hurting and you think want to reach out to the one person who can take your pain away but this person will make you hurt even more, thus putting you right back to square one. Sadly, some people on this site don't listen to advice given here and break NC, because they feel their situation is different....It's not.. "There are normally 7 reasons that keep us stuck in a rut, that makes us want to break NC. These reasons are listed below.. 1) Why can't we be friends. After a breakup the work each person has to do is lose the couple identity. Each person needs to establish again his or hers identity and no longer see themselves as part of the couple they once were. Therefore being friends in the aftermath of a breakup is a complete NO NO! The atmosphere is too emtionally charged. You both need time to get yourselves together. If you leave each other alone initially you may come back later as saner, more grounded people with a better chance of being friends. But right now you need to concentrate on yourself and your healing.. 2) I Must have Closure. You may have many questions, but you need to accept that some will never get answered. Even if you have questions that seem to drive you crazy, you must decide that the answers don't matter, probably won't make sense, probably aren't going to satisfy you and are not going to give you any sense of closure. It is your responsibility to accept that you may have to close this chapter without answers, explanations, and without input from someone else. It is not only possible for you to survive without the answers but it's necessary. Staying in the questions, repeating them and ruminating over the possible answers will only keep you stuck. Despite your fervent belief that somehow one final scene with your ex will lead to closure, it will not. You don't need to know what your ex thinks or why your ex did this or that, to move on. If you want closure, you need to do the grief work, intergrate the experience into your life and turn the page. That is how closure happens...FROM WITHIN.. 3) "I just need to make sense of it all" and "I just have one more thing to say to you before I let go"...You may think that if you can just talk sense into your ex, then everything will be fine. You may have heard illogical or unreasonable explanations that left you stunned and speechless at the time, but now they go round and round in your head and you can think of a thousand rebuttals to them all. As you ruminate on the things your ex said, you come up with reasons your ex is wrong, and then you start to imagine how having a change to talk things out will resolve all the misunderstandings. It becomes your impassioned belief that you can have a conversation and turn the wrongheadedness around. If your ex dumped you and you think it was the wrong thing to do, he or she needs to figure that out. You can't be the one to "fix" your ex's thinking. The bottom line is that if your ex see's things in a cockeyed way now, he or she is going to continue to see things the same way whenever you are not around to correct this twisted prespective. It takes hard work and constant vigilance to keep someone "thinking correctly", and you don't want that kind of responsibility or control. The fact is you need to accept that you have been with someone whose approach to life is simply incompatible to yours. Perhaps it was evident that you thought in different ways, saw the world differently, and operated on irreconcilable differences but you chose to ignore it or worked hard to correct it. You can't ignore dissimilar viewpoints any longer. Accept the fact that you think differently and let it go so you can find someone whose way of thinking is compatible with yours. 4) I want to be available for reconciliation. Sometimes people don't acknowledge that they are staying in touch to keep hope of reconciliation alive. Examining your quest for contact and being honest about your real intentions will help you stop making excuses to make contact. Even if it is your fervent hope that you will reconcile, taking a break and going NC will help you regardless of what happens down the line. You both have been through a trying time, and you must face that a break will do each of you the world of good. Now is the time to reassess where you've been and where you are going, even if you are going there together. You will need to take stock of yourself and the relationship so that you can figure out what went wrong and what needs to go right in future. Until communicate ends (and it should end for at least 60 days and until your ex reaches out (you should never be the one that reaches out) it is impossible to do that. Even if you do reconcile, the relationship you knew has ended, so you must grieve for the relationship has passed and move on from what once was. Because if you do reconcile (and the odds are long against) it has to be different than it was before or it will just fail. Again. 5) I just need to give this stuff back...People become very creative in finding ways to stay in contact with their exe's. One of the most innocent ploys you hear about is when one person insists on retrieving something - a piece of clothing, a household item that belongs to him or her. Think about how important the item really is. If you need to return it, put it in a box and mail it. No note, no nothing. If you are the one who wants it, think about it. Is it worth more than your sanity?Probably not. Making a clean break is important, so clear up loose ends immediately. Avoid keeping anything or leaving anything that can be asked for later on. If you still have things return them. If there are things you have left behind ask for them once more (if its important to you) otherwise forget it and move on. 6) Im just so Horny! Continuing a physical relationship after giving up the committed relationship and its inherent respondsibilities is a prescription for trouble. Do not buy into "friends with benefits" scenarios. Benefits must have corresponding respondsibilites and if they don't you are using each other. So stop it and grow up. There is no such thing as "friends with benefits". There is only friends who have no idea what they're doing to the detriment of themselves and each other. Don't do it with your ex or anyone else for that matter. Conduct your life with dignity, and don't give away anything unless the person you're giving it to takes some responsibility toward you, especially if he or she is an ex lover. If it's dead bury it. Don't sleep with it. 7) We run in the same circles. There are many situations where full NC is impossible. In this case, NC means that you don't speak unless it's necessary and you don't use bumping into each other as an excuse to call, email or text later on. Work/College breakups are very difficult. It is hard to be prefessional when everyone knows your business. You might need to draw some lines with your ex and agree on saying nothing at work/college about the breakup. The last thing you need at the office/class everyday is all your colleagues gossiping about you. Try to talk to your ex about the ground rules for discussing the relationship at work before the rumour mill gets going. Agree to keep it very business like, and only share your personal pain with close friends who do not work/study with your ex. Keep the boundaries very clear. Focus on you not him/her, keep your side of the street clean even if your ex doesn't." Reaching out to an ex and them not reacting/replying will hurt so much...Really think about this because with your rationale (thinking) right now, you are kidding yourself. We have all been there.. Edited July 5, 2011 by Mack05
geegirl Posted July 5, 2011 Posted July 5, 2011 Ok, I wanted some opinions on what i may do. I'ts been a month NC. I am on the verge of reaching out to her just ONE time. The BU wasnt messy, and I've been NC since the day after she ended it. I am debating calling her to see if she would meet for coffee. Obviously, I do want her back. the relationship seems fixable to me, although I am fully aware she most likely does not feel the same. Some say stay NC, that i'm only going to delay my healing. I dont want to hold on to any false hope. I was thinking if that I reached out and she denied any contact that maybe I could let go. I could say I at least tried. i'm not quite sure what to do, but I was thinking all weekend about doing it tonight. Any advice? 1. The relationship seems fixable to you, but is it to her? Isn't her silence an indication to you? 2. You don't want to hold on to false hope? You are. 3. If you are fully aware that she most likely does not feel the same, then what is the purpose of asking her is she wants to try again. You are grasping at straws. The finality of it is hitting you and you're anxious. You're in denial and just cannot accept that it is over. Understandable. We all go through this. Trust me, if someone wants to be with you, they don't keep silent. You don't have to keep nudging and asking and pushing and reminding them that you're there. Stop ripping that bandaid off over and over again. Let the would heal. Accept things as they are, and as painful as they are and move forward.
Author latexyankee Posted July 5, 2011 Author Posted July 5, 2011 I know these things to be true, I really do. But I've heard stories and other advice stating it was eaiser to let go, find acceptance etc..after they had exhausted all their options. Will I forever wonder what could have been if I dont try at least once? This is my dilemma. Im not sure if it will help or hurt. I just want to tell myself "self, we tried to save this relationship, we gave it our best, she does not want us around anymore, time for us to move forward." I dunno, Im confused.
Exit Posted July 5, 2011 Posted July 5, 2011 Well, all the online "get your ex back" books talk about waiting 1 month with no contact and then trying to get in touch again, haha. I can see both sides of this discussion. You haven't heard from her at all, that's probably not the best of signs. But, maybe it actually would HELP your healing to reach out and find out that she just isn't interested at all. That little glimmer of hope in you is still alive, telling yourself that even after a month apart, some days she must be sitting there thinking about you, maybe even wanting you to call. If you reach out to her and find out she doesn't give a damn and hasn't been thinking about you at all, maybe that would actually get you on the fast track. Some of us are strong enough to cut the final threads of hope on our own. The rest of us kind of need our exes to show us that there is no hope. And then there's always the third possibility that she might actually like hearing from you. Nobody can decide for you. If I were in your shoes, I'm sure I would at least try. Just be very realistic and honest with yourself when you weigh out the risks, don't kid yourself by thinking this will hardly have an effect on you, it very well could send you back to square one if you face more rejection. But, will you be healing any quicker if you spend another month thinking that you'll contact her eventually? You'll just be thinking about it constantly, and one month from now you'll be in the same position, "i'm thinking of breaking NC, should I?" Also think about how much better it would feel for HER to be the one to break NC and contact you some day. And if that never happens then maybe you have enough of an answer about her. There are many ways to look at this. Do what you think is best. Don't do anything impulsive. Try making a decision without actually acting on it, and then let it sit with you for a few days, and see how it feels. Look at it this way, you've lasted a month of no contact, 2 or 3 more days won't matter. I would just do something like tell myself "Ok, I'll contact her this weekend, it's only Tuesday right now". And then see how you feel the rest of the week.
geegirl Posted July 5, 2011 Posted July 5, 2011 I know these things to be true, I really do. But I've heard stories and other advice stating it was eaiser to let go, find acceptance etc..after they had exhausted all their options. Will I forever wonder what could have been if I dont try at least once? This is my dilemma. Im not sure if it will help or hurt. I just want to tell myself "self, we tried to save this relationship, we gave it our best, she does not want us around anymore, time for us to move forward." I dunno, Im confused. What is it that you're "trying"? It would be a different story if she wanted to TRY or the very least, was showing signs of wanting to rekindle the relationship. But she is not. You're just trying to shove what you want so badly down someone else's throat. Exhausted all options = get hammered over and over again until you're stripped of you dignity and pride. That's not finding acceptance. That's just realizing that you can't take another hammering and you walk away broken, beaten down and feeling rejected. I don't believe You and Self need to go for one more go around to see if you are wanted. Her silence is loud and clear, LY. If you really just one to go out there one more time, get hit and call it quits then do it. No one can stop you. I think you're just in denial and tremendously hopeful that things may just turn around. Until you're completely satisfied that there is nothing left, you will be entertaining the idea of "trying". Think about the aftermath. Is it truly worth it? Homebrew's post rings true. If she was interested, you would have heard something by now. You can't clap with one hand.
Author latexyankee Posted July 5, 2011 Author Posted July 5, 2011 Well I know this woman well and Im really not expecting us to get back together. Once she makes her mind up, it usually does not change. But maybe Im fooling myself. If I don't think its gonna work out, then why do I feel the need to contact? I know she misses me but she is full of pride and would most likely sit in misery than let her pride down and pick up the phone. Now turn that around and think, why would I want to be with someone that has that much pride? This is such a difficult time, and I am getting to the hard part...acceptance. Im trying to figure out the best way to "feel" it. Stay NC or give it one and only one shot.
AlisaMarie Posted July 5, 2011 Posted July 5, 2011 I always think that with NC latex... what if... what if... they are just pining over me but are too damn stubborn to contact me! What if my silence is killing them? Well, it's sad to say that if you were the dumpee- it is entirely their job to move mountains to get back to you otherwise, you guessed it- BREADCRUMBS. Sadly, I took crumbs and even got my ex back for a couple months and guess what? Gone again. I will never break NC even though he tried blowing up my phone (being rude instead of nice- what I deserve) and even did a drive by past my house. That's not moving mountains, that's being a selfish stalking jerk that isn't getting his way for once. Whew... sorry I needed to vent. Anyways- unless this person is moving mountains and offering the you the sun and moon on a platter, let it go. You'll heal in time.
krifle04 Posted July 5, 2011 Posted July 5, 2011 Well I know this woman well and Im really not expecting us to get back together. Once she makes her mind up, it usually does not change. But maybe Im fooling myself. If I don't think its gonna work out, then why do I feel the need to contact? I know she misses me but she is full of pride and would most likely sit in misery than let her pride down and pick up the phone. Now turn that around and think, why would I want to be with someone that has that much pride? This is such a difficult time, and I am getting to the hard part...acceptance. Im trying to figure out the best way to "feel" it. Stay NC or give it one and only one shot. Im struggling with this too. Ive only been NC 2 weeks but I want to send my ex a pic of something that made me think of him, just so my name can pop up and maybe he'll think of me. Sounds stupid, but the more time that goes by, the more I'm afraid he is going to forget me.
geegirl Posted July 5, 2011 Posted July 5, 2011 Well I know this woman well and Im really not expecting us to get back together. Once she makes her mind up, it usually does not change. But maybe Im fooling myself. If I don't think its gonna work out, then why do I feel the need to contact? I know she misses me but she is full of pride and would most likely sit in misery than let her pride down and pick up the phone. Now turn that around and think, why would I want to be with someone that has that much pride? This is such a difficult time, and I am getting to the hard part...acceptance. Im trying to figure out the best way to "feel" it. Stay NC or give it one and only one shot. You feel the need for contact because eventhough you pretty much know the outcome, you are in denial. That little voice saying, "No, maybe, but what if..." You're giving into those thoughts. You know it but won't accept it and the only way you will accept it is by giving it one more shot. I just hope that after this "one more shot" (should you decide to do it), a month later you're not back on here wanting one more shot or wanting to try again. Acceptance doesn't just come. It's a gradual process. You hold on to NC, struggle through the up and down emotions. You may still be hopeful but your need to put yourself first outweighs that. Nothing is going to deter you from moving forward. You may still wish for things to go back, still have hope but you're also realistic about it so you keep going and going and soon you release that sense of hope as you grow further and further apart and slowly that acceptance will dawn on you. Breaking NC only keeps you stuck. It takes you back where you once started. It wasn't a good place, was it? If you are so determined for one more shot, maybe you need it to finally say no more and move on. Do what is right for you.
geegirl Posted July 5, 2011 Posted July 5, 2011 Im struggling with this too. Ive only been NC 2 weeks but I want to send my ex a pic of something that made me think of him, just so my name can pop up and maybe he'll think of me. Sounds stupid, but the more time that goes by, the more I'm afraid he is going to forget me. Krifle, I read this over and over again -- what if he/she forgets me? Do you really want to be with someone who needs to be reminded to "think of you"? And if he/she needs to be reminded, what does that tell you? You're not a meeting or a chore or a bill to pay. You send reminders for that. You're a person. A person that was involved in his life. You ate together, slept together, farted together, cried together, laughed together, loved each other, etc. If you need to remind him, you're doing such an injustice to yourself. You are worth far more than having to remind someone of your existence by sending a picture.
Mack05 Posted July 5, 2011 Posted July 5, 2011 Addictive Logic = Latex, Maybe if she hears what I say have to say she might want to give things a go. What if she wants me back, but her pride is in the way. I should break NC. Normal Logic = Family, Friends, LS members. Accept the relationship is over, respect you ex and her right to move on, her silence means she does not want to talk to you or hear what you have to say. I can't be a hypocrite. I broke NC. I thought if my ex hears this she will want me back. I had similar thoughts to you. If this is something you have to do, then that is your choice. You can be 99% sure, that you will not get the reaction you are looking for and hoping for. The reality is in her mind the relationship is not 'fixable'. The only false hope is the denial thats going on in your head. The best way to heal is to accept it's over. Keep your self respect and honor your ex and her feelings.. "Fooling people is a serious business, but when you fool yourself it becomes fatal"...
AlisaMarie Posted July 5, 2011 Posted July 5, 2011 Krifle, I read this over and over again -- what if he/she forgets me? Do you really want to be with someone who needs to be reminded to "think of you"? And if he/she needs to be reminded, what does that tell you? You're not a meeting or a chore or a bill to pay. You send reminders for that. You're a person. A person that was involved in his life. You ate together, slept together, farted together, cried together, laughed together, loved each other, etc. If you need to remind him, you're doing such an injustice to yourself. You are worth far more than having to remind someone of your existence by sending a picture. Geegirl, I love you I have to admit to Krifle- I think the same way. I was contemplating sending a blank text just so my name pops up and he'll ask what I was trying to send. Soooooo stupid.
Mack05 Posted July 5, 2011 Posted July 5, 2011 Latex when I broke NC it set my recovery back weeks, actually months. One day when I got over the embrassment of it all, I will tell my story detailing my breaking NC disaster. It's the reason why I post on nearly all the NC threads. I don't want people to suffer like I did..
geegirl Posted July 5, 2011 Posted July 5, 2011 Aww...schucks! Seriously, no sending pictures, blank text messages, blank emails, etc. I am sure that they remember you. But the situation is such that they know they can't contact because they can't give you what you want. They're doing you a favor by staying NC. Be thankful. Trust me. Contact is going to drive you bananas. And I know you're hoping for positive contact as in wanting to be with you, and that's completely understandable. If that were the case, you would be hearing from them. Anything other than that, keep fingers in pocket.
Author latexyankee Posted July 5, 2011 Author Posted July 5, 2011 I know, I know, I know. i believe that this is so hard because I've been waiting for this period and now its here. i decided to go NC and Im proud of myself for that. i sent one email 2 days after she ended it and that's it. Maybe I've been thinking if i could just give it enough time, just let her get her emotions together, so she may think straight once again. Maybe I've thought she would have reached out by now. The thing that kills me is this never gets any easier. Seeing as how I'm 32 and of course have been through this before, you would think it gets easier over time. Like you learn how to deal in this situation. I actually think it gets harder as you age, feeling as if the hourglass is running dry on love. She really was my world, and every decision I made, I would take into account her feelings. Is this normal? Does anyone go straight NC and never look back? I've had relationships in my past that I never broke NC and am starting to wonder if that was the correct decision now. I didn't get many answers as most of you. i keep thinking if she agrees to coffee that the emotions are not as high now and we have a rational conversation regarding our past and possible future....if any. i am sorry for basically repeating myself over in so many words, it's very hard to express.
lamp65 Posted July 5, 2011 Posted July 5, 2011 I'd advise to stick with the NC. Hard as it is. I stupidly kept in touch with my ex via e-mails for 11 months - he would sometimes reply, sometimes not. It's been 2 weeks now of no contact and, even though it hurts like hell, he's doing me a favour by no longer responding. It's over - if he wanted to contact me he would. If your ex wanted to contact you, she would. It's hard to let go, but sometimes it's the only thing to do. Good luck to you and everyone else suffering from broken hearts.
AlisaMarie Posted July 5, 2011 Posted July 5, 2011 I know, I know, I know. i believe that this is so hard because I've been waiting for this period and now its here. i decided to go NC and Im proud of myself for that. i sent one email 2 days after she ended it and that's it. Maybe I've been thinking if i could just give it enough time, just let her get her emotions together, so she may think straight once again. Maybe I've thought she would have reached out by now. The thing that kills me is this never gets any easier. Seeing as how I'm 32 and of course have been through this before, you would think it gets easier over time. Like you learn how to deal in this situation. I actually think it gets harder as you age, feeling as if the hourglass is running dry on love. She really was my world, and every decision I made, I would take into account her feelings. Is this normal? Does anyone go straight NC and never look back? I've had relationships in my past that I never broke NC and am starting to wonder if that was the correct decision now. I didn't get many answers as most of you. i keep thinking if she agrees to coffee that the emotions are not as high now and we have a rational conversation regarding our past and possible future....if any. i am sorry for basically repeating myself over in so many words, it's very hard to express. Latex- you mentioned you are 32, may I ask how old she is?
Author latexyankee Posted July 5, 2011 Author Posted July 5, 2011 She's 29, she is emotionally "screwed up", but she is not immature by any means
geegirl Posted July 5, 2011 Posted July 5, 2011 It hasn't gotten easier because you put yourself on a timeline. You filled yourself with anticipation a month from when you broke up, feeling that things would change by time you hit the mark. You were basically running to the finish line hoping to find something at the end of the race. Now, that there is nothing at the end of it, you're hugely disappointed and now looking for another way to find whatever it is you were hoping for. It gets easier over time if you are accepting and determined to move forward. You haven't given yourself a fighting chance. Yes, you've remained NC but your heart mind and soul has been stuck on her during that whole time, not forgetting the amount of anxiety and anticipation you've built inside you waiting for this day. NC is about releasing all that. It's about releasing all sense of hope. Until you are finally able to accept things for what they are, it will never get easier for you. It doesn't get harder or easier as you age. Each situation is different and each ending affects you differently. It has nothing to do with age. I'm in my late 30s and getting over this recent ex was even harder than getting over my ex-husband and that was years ago. Each situation carries different weight. Don't be so hard on yourself. Our exs meant the world to us too. We invested all we could to make it work. But it's not a contract that binds them to us. Just because we sacrificed, it's never a guarantee that it will be reciprocated till death do us part. We love and we lose. It's just the way it is. I never got answers too. But even if we did, the outcome is the same. And even if we did, how much of it would be true? You're going into the coffee thing not because you want answers. If that were the case, your post would be of a different tune. You want her to tell you that she wants you back. You mention that you could talk to her about the possibility of a future. You already have it in your head that there is potential. Hope. In that case, maybe you need to go and talk to her and lay it all out on the table. It will give you what you need to decide what you finally need to do for yourself.
AlisaMarie Posted July 5, 2011 Posted July 5, 2011 She's 29, she is emotionally "screwed up", but she is not immature by any means Yes, that's not a big age difference. You are both mature adults. I understand how you feel though... I am 33 and just so over the break ups. They seem to get harder and harder every time. You'd think I would be used to it by now!
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