JustUnsure Posted July 5, 2011 Posted July 5, 2011 I been with my husband for 20 years. He left me and is now staying with another woman. I asked this person months ago to leave him along, that i loved him and he had two kids. She said I have kids to. I do not my girls around this person or liking her. I want to tell them what she did to their family.
PegNosePete Posted July 5, 2011 Posted July 5, 2011 How old are your kids? And why are you blaming this other woman for your husband's actions?
TaraMaiden Posted July 5, 2011 Posted July 5, 2011 Both good questions Your husband did this to you family, not her. You have one husband, one family. He could have done this with anybody. Therefore, the responsibility for what he has done, rests on his shoulders - not hers. people fall in love, and people fall out of love. All too often, that falling out leaves sadness, bitterness anger and disaster in its wake. Those who fall out of love should be more considerate for the damage they leave behind. Your husband is the one who has much to answer for, not her. but if he's fallen out of love with you, and has found solace in the arms of another, that's between you two; Not your kids, not her. You two. This is unfortunately your crap to deal with. It has nothing to do with your children, and really, nothing to do with her, either.... Your children are a separate issue. They are what bind you and your husband together, for ever. So you need to deal with this aspect of events separately. So you tell your kids that daddy met another lady, and he believes he can be happier with her. That's all you need to say, because anything else will just drip with vitriol, resentment and spite. Do you want those emotions to affect - and INfect - your children's minds?
scaredandalone1223 Posted July 5, 2011 Posted July 5, 2011 No, you shouldn't tell them. Your kids ages do play an important part in what they will be able to figure out on their own. Your husband's actions make him a POS husband, not necessarily a POS dad. It will just cause more resentment for them towards their father and you have to be very carefully because when one parent badmouths the other in many, MANY instances the children grow to resent the badmouth parent. My mom and dad divorced when I was 3. My biological mom was not a mother at all. My dad was far from perfect but he was my dad. My mom used every opportunity as a child to point out my dad's flaws and it only drove me further away from her. By contrast, my dad had much more ammo against my mom but his feelings for her never showed to me. I'm in my 30's now and to this day even though I have basically no relationship with her if I ever downgrade her in front of my dad he outs me in my place QUICK to let me know she is my mother and I will not talk about her like that in front of him PERIOD! I can discuss my feelings but I can not be disrespectful. I respect my dad for that beyond measure and to this day have zero respect for my biological mom. The kids are part of the family but they are not in the marriage nor do they need to be. Trust me they will build their own feelings of hate for this other woman as they figure things out. Let those feelings be their own and not influenced by you. Long after your marriage is over, if it comes to that, you will still be their mother and he their father. And if you do reconcile then you not only have to heal your marriage and family from the whole ordeal but you have very confused children trying to sort through a whole other mountain of issues. Read one of my other posts about children suffering through a bad marriage. My SOL is by far the worst mother I know and has done so MANY horrible things in my eyes but I would NEVER say anything about that in front of her children NEVER. That's my opinion.
What_Next Posted July 5, 2011 Posted July 5, 2011 The age of the children do make a difference, also what you intend on telling them. I DO NOT believe children need to be a part of the details of a situation like this, also they should NEVER be used as pawns. However, at a certain age they find things out themselves, and sometimes they make their own mind up on incorrect assumptions.
2010_Sorry Posted July 6, 2011 Posted July 6, 2011 I think regardless of the age of your children, it is not your place to tell them what has happened. Their father most definitely needs to come clean and tell them what is going on. Based on their age, he should determine how much he tells them because he doesn't want them to figure things out through the neighborhood/school talk.
Trimmer Posted July 6, 2011 Posted July 6, 2011 I been with my husband for 20 years. He left me and is now staying with another woman. I asked this person months ago to leave him along, that i loved him and he had two kids. She said I have kids to. I do not my girls around this person or liking her. I want to tell them what she did to their family. I think you've been getting good and thoughtful input from the others in this thread. I just want to approach from a slightly different angle, though. I understand - from having been in your position - that feeling of not wanting your kids around "her", and in spite of the comments here about this situation being your husband's responsibility, I think it's important to acknowledge that your feelings and that anger are real and completely understandable. What I'm saying is, you're not wrong for having these feelings and emotions. Having said that, it is certainly worth processing them using the lenses and thoughts that the posters above have suggested, because once you do start to deal with them on the intellectual level (yes, it really is your husband who bears responsibility for this...) this will let you serve the needs of your kids better. At the time we split, I had some serious resentment toward my then-STBX's new man, and it just seemed to make things even "messier" for our kids that they would be around him. Some of it was real concern for them, but I also admit that some of it certainly came from my own anger and resentment at my wife, the situation, everything that seemed to be out of my control. At that time, by sheer force of will and a knowledge of what I believed to be right for my kids, I held my tongue, dealt with my emotions elsewhere, and on the surface, supported my kids' mom (which is how I thought of her in that context) in her role as parent, and supported my kids' relationship with her, in spite of the presence of the new man. Now it turns out in my case, I consider myself "lucky" and I give my Ex credit that she also recognized and respected a good set of boundaries around our parenting, and I got back from her the same support and respect for my role in our kids' lives. I sure felt "owed", like I would have been completely justified if I were to to have been an @$$hole - I was hurt and pissed off - but through my anger, I had just enough clarity to know that if I had been that way, I probably would have soured the parental relationship, and more importantly, the environment in which our kids would grow and (supposedly) develop into adults. So I decided - and this was how I thought of it at the time - to "take one for the team" (my kids) and work out my anger elsewhere (i.e. counseling for me...), and I have never, for one minute, regretted that. My kids still know who their mom is, who their dad is, and they each have their special relationships and bonds with each of us, and I truly believe that those bonds and relationships have been able to grow healthy as they have, because the kids haven't had to worry about taking sides, about tiptoeing around sensitivities, loyalties, etc. Again, I'm lucky because I get the same level of support back from her, and I know that's not true with all situations like yours and mine, but while it's unfortunate that yet another burden gets put on the "left behind" partner, we really can be the ones with the power to set the tone in whatever the parental relationship is about to become. You certainly have the power to make it toxic - that's easy - and while you can't guarantee that you can make it all good (because that also depends on him) you can at least set the tone and hope that he is, indeed, a good enough father to recognize your lead, and take it in the right direction. I swear to you, I am really glad - for my kids - that we got off on the right foot, even though it was very painful for me for a good while...
Author JustUnsure Posted July 7, 2011 Author Posted July 7, 2011 My kids are 18 and 13 both girls. I blame both of them. I would not want my girls to look up to her or ever model her behaivor in any way. My feelings is even if we split which it is looking like it. If he remains even just friends in any way my girls would be around her. I want to tell them of the type of person she is.
TaraMaiden Posted July 14, 2011 Posted July 14, 2011 Well you can't. Because if you do, they may form an incorrect opinion of her they might wish to revise at a latter date. Which means that they will form an opinion of you too, which they may also wish to revise at a later date. My eldest daughter was all for supporting her father and his emotional fall-out when we split. She barely ever speaks to him now, and she and I are closer than we have ever been. Get my drift?
KathyM Posted July 14, 2011 Posted July 14, 2011 I'm sorry you had to go through that. I can understand why you have so much animosity for the OW. She broke up your family, as did your husband, and you are rightfully angry. But don't try to make the kids be in the middle of your hatred for the OW. They are going to have to be able to get along with her if she is a part of their father's life. But I do believe in standing up for what is right, and teaching your children to have good moral character. I see no harm in telling the girls that their dad made a big mistake and broke up the family, but that regardless, he still loves them (the girls) and wants them to be an important part of his life, and that will mean spending time with both him and this other person. That is all that needs to be said, IMO. Don't make it a war. The girls will do best if all parties can get along with each other. But I see no harm in saying their dad made a big mistake in breaking up the family.
TaraMaiden Posted July 14, 2011 Posted July 14, 2011 I consider it incorrect to even say it was a mistake. With the greatest respect to the OP (and I do see it from all sides, because I am a divorcee with kids too) we cannot know what factors contributed to the demise of the marriage, and while he certainly should not have committed adultery, the mitigating factor, from the side of the OP, is not revealed. And that's fine. But his actions were not a 'mistake'. His actions were his choice; the OP clearly and understandably does not agree with the outcome, but they cannot be termed a mistake. It's a life choice, pure and simple.
andyg99 Posted July 14, 2011 Posted July 14, 2011 My kids are 18 and 13 both girls. I blame both of them. I would not want my girls to look up to her or ever model her behaivor in any way. My feelings is even if we split which it is looking like it. If he remains even just friends in any way my girls would be around her. I want to tell them of the type of person she is. cheating is a major flaw, whatever the reason, get out and get divorced if the marriage is so bad, it's as simple as that... be the stable parent - it's going to be the hardest thing you'll ever have to do but just live your life, love your kids and be the best single parent ever... I did it for 15 years, I chose to stay single and raise my kids, never bashing the ex or her new hubby (from the affair)... at times it was lonely, frustrating, exhausting but overall I wouldn't have traded it for 10 million dollars!
Recommended Posts